To think that this mum shouldn't have brought her other child?

[SmoothOperandus]

I don't know the parents of the other children at my DD's class because the childminder takes her to school. My DD had been talking about this other girl and boy with whom she plays a lot, so I got in touch with their respective mums to arrange a playdate. As we don't know each other, I extended the invitation to them as well and said that other siblings would be welcome too. Mum 1 arrived with her DS, an absolute treasure of a boy, he behaved beautifully all afternoon. Mum 2 arrived with her DD who is my DD's friend, lovely little girl, played beautifully too. Now, Mum 2 also brought DS, a 3 YO. Now I'm sorry to say he was a little terror. He screamed the whole entire afternoon, gave me a horrendous headache, interrupted our conversation constantly... but worse still, when I was having coffee with the mums downstairs and he was playing upstairs, he caused absolute mayhem. He was extremely destructive, breaking toys, tearing pages off books, banging toys against the doors and chipping the paint off and causing several dents... I was very shocked when I went upstairs after everyone had left and saw the damage. I understand that he's only 3 but surely the mum shouldn't have let him off her sight if that's how he behaves!

YABU I feel sorry for the other Mum tbh.You said she could bring siblings. She then turned up with a spirited 3 yo, and instead of finding some age approriate activities for him or engaging him yourself you put her in an impossible position. As for expecting your dh to be able to work with 4children having a playdate, words fail me.

I think you have been extremely lucky in the past and are quite naive tbh

naughtymummy my DH was working upstairs because the other ladies arrived with no husbands, otherwise he would have joined us. It wasn't up to me to find activities for the 3 YO, there's a playroom down here with a wooden train track, a wooden garage, dozens of cars and lots of lego and playmobil. There are baskets with books in the living room (where we were) and a basket with dolls and animals. There's a little table with 2 chairs and lots of colouring books and crayons right next to the sofa. There really was no shortage of age appropriate activities both downstairs and upstairs.

I read that as the child is so pissed off with your DH that he's now opened a bottle of wine

Perhaps I need to slow down on it myself

He is 3 years old, and children of this age can be rough in their play. These things happen. You did say she could bring siblings.

Some of the loveliest, best behaved little children I know can get a bit like this if sent upstairs to play without supervision. If I really want an adult conversation with their mums, I tend to just let them get on with it and accept the mess afterwards (I know there is nothing really breakable up there).

It's a shame about the books - he really should have been supervised more closely. Perhaps you could both have taken your coffee upstairs. The mum should have realised that he might get overexcited and out of control if left on his own upstairs - but then again, you might also have realised this, and the older children should perhaps have had the sense to come and tell you there was a problem.

Chalk it up to experience.

Blimey OP YANBU at all. DD2 was a evil little bugger spirited child. You couldn't leave her alone for 2 seconds without something happening. I practised an extreme form of attachment parenting until the phase passed. IMO parents of spirited children know they are little sods, and she should have supervised him better.

I never let DD2 play upstairs where I couldn't see her. She played downstairs, beside me, with stuff I had brought along to occupy her. Although it sounds like there was more than enough available to keep him quiet.

Duct tape also works

So realistically, you were insincere in your invite and unrealistic in your ideas on how a 3 year should behave! If I was mum two, I would stay clear of you all together as those sorts of views and opinions wouldn't be welcomed in in my family. No child should be talked about so viciously because he chipped a bit of magnolia off the wall! Get real!!!

Well IME 3 yos need a bit of direction ,just having the toys there isn't going to be enough. Or were you expecting the 5yos to help him ? FWIW I have dcs the same age as you and when I have 3yo guests (yes this lad was your guest) I end up with the mum playing with the 3 yo. Staying downstairs chatting for the whole time was unreasonable IMO

Insincere, absolutely not. Unrealistic yes, completely.

Why didn't you go upstairs periodically to check? What age were the other children?

I haven't said anything vicious about the child at all. My 'gripe' has been directed to the mother.

Next time you arrange a play date at your home, you should email all of the mums a set of rules and expectations on how YOU expect their children to behave and maybe you will have only like minded people turn up. And I seriously cannot believe all of the comments on here re the damage of material items that could easily be replaced! Let kids be kids!

Bisjo I didn't because I was kinda nervous preparing teas, coffees and snacks for everyone, as well as trying to get some conversation going and get to know two women I had never met before. The kids came downstairs periodically to show us what they were doing, playing dress up and making paper chains and coming downstairs to show us.

TwoKidsAndCounting that's just stupid

OP I cannot believe the posts, YANBU about the damage. The other mother is responsible for her child, if I take my young children to someones house I am responsible for their behaviour. The childs mother could have checked on him from time to time, if needed she could have taken action as necessary, brought him downstairs, played with him downstairs, especially if he is spirited. As a mother of young children I accept that I cannot have an uninterrupted coffee or a conversation where I actually look at the person I'm talking to (checking on the kids the whole time over their shoulder). I know that other parents will accept that I need to do that.

Having said that, I do keep a check on all playdates, popping up with snacks every so often to check all is OK.

And your dh ?

I do apologise, I've just realised you are a mum of just 1 DD, therefore will not be able to empathise at all with the other mums of more than one child. It's almost like a childless woman commenting on the screaming kid in the restaurant whilst they are trying to enjoy their spaghetti carbonara in piece. I sympathise with you, if you ever have another child I hope you remember this thread, your harsh words and unrealistic views and opinions on child behaviour.

YANBU. If this child is prone to this kind of behaviour (which his Mum would know he is), then she should have been keeping an eye on him. No excuse for it.

My DH just wasn't sure about the best course of action. He's certainly never hosted a playdate before, he also doesn't know these women, we actually don't know anyone in the area so we're just trying to get to know people, he would have never brought the kid down and ask the mum to keep a close eye on him, rightly or wrongly, he just could have never done that so chose to watch him and wait for the playdate to end.

TwoKidsAndCounting I honestly don't know if you're talking to me. I have a son who is 8 years old and a daughter who is 5. I am 100% accountable for their behaviour whenever they're at somebody else's house. Accidents do happen and that's fine, but I'm not talking about accidents here.

Of course the ds in question is his mother's primary responsibility.But it dosen't sound like you made it easy for her to give him the level of supervision/ interaction he clearly needs.

I understand it was difficult having the other Mother there but why was'nt your dh downstairs helping you out ? He could have stayed chatting while you gave the other Mum some support in interacting with her pre-school age boy.

You have an 8yo and your dh has never hosted a play date ??? Why ?

And I seriously cannot believe all of the comments on here re the damage of material items that could easily be replaced! Let kids be kids!

And who pays for that?

My DH felt that as it was just the 2 mums that turned up, he would leave us to chat and he went upstairs to finish off some stuff. He would have joined us all had the other husbands turned up too. I did try to make everyone feel comfortable in my house, honestly. Obviously had I known what this little boy was like, I might have organised things differently, but that's my point really, I didn't know but the mum did.

I don't think you are BU. I'm shocked the mum didn't get the child downstairs. However if it had been me I would have asked them to stay downstairs if there were toys etc.

I think the problem is your thread title doesn't match with the invitation of siblings- the other mother SHOULD have supervised her ds more closely but, YABU to think she shouldn't have brought him because of his behaviour.