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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that this mum shouldn't have brought her other child?

142 replies

SmoothOperandus · 27/10/2012 19:49

I don't know the parents of the other children at my DD's class because the childminder takes her to school. My DD had been talking about this other girl and boy with whom she plays a lot, so I got in touch with their respective mums to arrange a playdate. As we don't know each other, I extended the invitation to them as well and said that other siblings would be welcome too. Mum 1 arrived with her DS, an absolute treasure of a boy, he behaved beautifully all afternoon. Mum 2 arrived with her DD who is my DD's friend, lovely little girl, played beautifully too. Now, Mum 2 also brought DS, a 3 YO. Now I'm sorry to say he was a little terror. He screamed the whole entire afternoon, gave me a horrendous headache, interrupted our conversation constantly... but worse still, when I was having coffee with the mums downstairs and he was playing upstairs, he caused absolute mayhem. He was extremely destructive, breaking toys, tearing pages off books, banging toys against the doors and chipping the paint off and causing several dents... I was very shocked when I went upstairs after everyone had left and saw the damage. I understand that he's only 3 but surely the mum shouldn't have let him off her sight if that's how he behaves!

OP posts:

Original poster

SmoothOperandus · 27/10/2012 22:51

No my DH has never ever hosted a playdate. He commutes to go to work and doesn't get home until 7:30pm. I am a SAHM. Simple really. The Saturday playdate was unusual and only happened because my DC are at different schools and I can only do the school run for one of them. A sitter does the other, hence the reason why I've never met the other parents. We've recently moved to a new area and my dc have been allocated different schools.

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fluffypillow · 27/10/2012 22:54

This thread is madness! If you are invited to someones house with your children, then you supervise them! You don't let them run riot, breaking things etc..... without stepping in and correcting their behaviour, or they will never learn!

Never heard such rubbish!

TwoKidsAndCounting · 27/10/2012 22:54

In my experienced, albeit, limited experience of play dates, there was no coffee drank by parents, no nice chats about the weather, no time to get acquainted, just lots of running around after 2, 3, 4 and 5 year olds all having fun, shouting and screaming to their hearts content, because that's what play dates are...aren't they...? A chance to get all of the kids together and have some fun...? Or was this an adult play date/ coffee morning whereby if you couldn't pawn your kids off at grandma's house they could come but better not make any noise or they would be vindicated later?

difficultpickle · 27/10/2012 22:57

May I just say that I find it really rather odd that your dh stood and watched the 3 yr old without coming downstairs to get you or the dcs mum. If you have an 8 yr old then 5 yrs ago your dd was 3. Did you not have her friends over to play?

I work full time (later home time than your dh) and I know how to deal with other parents' lively dcs. It isn't rocket science.

If the mother knew her ds was misbehaving and didn't do anything then you would have a point, but if she didn't and your dh did nothing then YADBU.

Simple answer, the next playdate you organise should be in a park with a cafe.

difficultpickle · 27/10/2012 22:58

I'm also surprised your dd didn't come and tell you, but I assume she thought her dad would. My 8 yr old would have told the 3 yr old to stop and taken him downstairs to his mum and politely explained the problem. Shall I ask him to pop over to have a word with your dh?

mathanxiety · 27/10/2012 23:01

I have never invited parents to playdates. Only the one child to play with my own child. Or children to play with my own children (but no more than one friend per child as more than one generally leads to tears until they are older).

If parents want to get together and have coffee then that should be separate. I find I can supervise better and in my own terrifying style when I am not pinned down by another guest at the same time

naughtymummy · 27/10/2012 23:01

I have to say, I do think that is extraordinary in 8 years and a little bit sad. For your dh not to know your dcs friends. Anyway that is not the point of this thread so will retire. Good luck in your new area. Don't write this family off on this one episode.

Original poster

SmoothOperandus · 27/10/2012 23:01

TwoKidsAndCounting, there was a great deal of fun, shouting, music, dressing up, dancing, eating, playing, singing crafting... Children benefit from initiating their own games with other children without having adults constantly sorting things out for them. Nothing wrong with parents enjoying a coffee amongst the mayhem. This was never the issue.

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Runningblue · 27/10/2012 23:02

I think op is getting a v hard time. I think your only lesson in the scheme of things, is that you've been very blessed to date with visits by well behaved and/or well supervised kids.
The mum of this 3 year old is negligent to say the least. Op could have maybe said 'is it easier to bring xxx downstairs so we can chat and play with him too ?' but honestly you know when your child is being a little git. And it's your job to sort it, not the playdate host.
Its last parenting of the part of the visiting parent, to the extreme.

Runningblue · 27/10/2012 23:02

Lax parenting !

fluffypillow · 27/10/2012 23:05

bisjo I think you are missing the point.

It is up to a mother to supervise her 3 yr old when at someone elses house. It was not the responsibility of OP or OPs DH. She should have gone up to check on him regularly, because that is what you do when you are the mum of a 3yr old.

She was aware that he was not behaving well, as he was downstairs some of the time screaming ect........Seems to me she was just pleased to have him upstairs, and not bothering her, and didn't care what he was getting up to.

I would be totally pissed of at this woman..........no one else should get the blame.

Original poster

SmoothOperandus · 27/10/2012 23:07

I couldn't ask for the parents to just drop their kids off as we don't know each other. Otherwise yes, I'd prefer to just have the kid over to play.
naughtymummy my DH has never hosted a playdate because they usually happen after school at around 3:30 until 5:30 and he's not around during those times. He has met some of our kids' friends when he takes them to rugby and gymnastics on weekends and we often have our own friends and their kids join us for lunch but playdates with kids from school? well no, that just doesn't happen. This might make you sad but I'm sure it's reality for a lot of people.

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fluffypillow · 27/10/2012 23:08

Pissed off

fluffypillow · 27/10/2012 23:13

I think it's usually Mums who organise and host playdates. That's my experience anyway.

Still trying to work out why it's relevant to this thread though

TwoKidsAndCounting · 27/10/2012 23:14

I didn't suggest there was no fun had by all, as the 3 year old obviously enjoyed being upstairs all on his own, unsupervised, yet supervised by you DH who you are saying let him destroy things..? In all honesty I can see both sides of the argument, what I don't understand is why you are griping about it after, put it down to experience and move on. It's certainly not the child's fault. Next time chose a park with a cafe for take out coffee, take some paracetamol and prepare yourself for some raucous, ear splitting fun. Kids may like to initiate fun but they live nothing more than their parents getting involved, have some fun

Original poster

SmoothOperandus · 27/10/2012 23:16

Of course it's not the kids fault. I've made it very clear that I think it's the mum's fault and I've come here to see who else thinks the way I do. I'd say it's 60% in my favour .

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fluffypillow · 27/10/2012 23:21

The thing is OP, if it's true that 60% agree with you, that means 40% think either this childs behaviour was fine, or the Mums 'couldn't give a toss what my child gets up to' attitude was fine...............and that is shocking.

difficultpickle · 27/10/2012 23:25

I agree that the mother should have supervised but maybe she thought she didn't need to knowing the op's dh was upstairs? If the same happened in my house I would have popped up periodically to check, particularly if I didn't feel able to say anything to the mother about supervising her ds.

TwoKidsAndCounting · 27/10/2012 23:26

Oh didn't realise this was a test. Okay, you pass with a C grade, not bad but could do better!

Original poster

SmoothOperandus · 27/10/2012 23:28

Bisjo I wish I had done that but when you're trying to keep a conversation going with 2 women you've never met before plus prepare refreshments, you end up feeling a little flustered and don't want to interrupt the conversation and leave your guests. But yes, I should have done exactly that.

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Original poster

SmoothOperandus · 27/10/2012 23:29

TwoKidsAndCounting you however get A+ on passive agressiveness

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InspiredToBoot · 27/10/2012 23:33

TwoKidsAndCounting I'm curious about your approach here. Do you by any chance have a 'spirited' child yourself? Is your parenting style really lax? Do you not care if other kids damage your property?

BlueberryHill · 27/10/2012 23:34

Either that, or TwokidsAndCounting is the other mother

TwoKidsAndCounting · 27/10/2012 23:35

Ooh maybe you need to look up such terms before throwing them around, try google, however, steer clear of Wikipedia, it's neither reputable or peer reviewed.

Original poster

SmoothOperandus · 27/10/2012 23:37

TwoKidsAndCounting you're very odd

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