To think that this mum shouldn't have brought her other child?

[SmoothOperandus]

I don't know the parents of the other children at my DD's class because the childminder takes her to school. My DD had been talking about this other girl and boy with whom she plays a lot, so I got in touch with their respective mums to arrange a playdate. As we don't know each other, I extended the invitation to them as well and said that other siblings would be welcome too. Mum 1 arrived with her DS, an absolute treasure of a boy, he behaved beautifully all afternoon. Mum 2 arrived with her DD who is my DD's friend, lovely little girl, played beautifully too. Now, Mum 2 also brought DS, a 3 YO. Now I'm sorry to say he was a little terror. He screamed the whole entire afternoon, gave me a horrendous headache, interrupted our conversation constantly... but worse still, when I was having coffee with the mums downstairs and he was playing upstairs, he caused absolute mayhem. He was extremely destructive, breaking toys, tearing pages off books, banging toys against the doors and chipping the paint off and causing several dents... I was very shocked when I went upstairs after everyone had left and saw the damage. I understand that he's only 3 but surely the mum shouldn't have let him off her sight if that's how he behaves!

YANBU, OP. I'm surprised at some of these responses.

Smooth your actual question was whether it was reasonable to bring the child. Since you invited siblings, that was reasonable, therefore YABU on that point.

I think everyone has said YANBU to be annoyed about the mess etc.

halloweeneyqueeney that was the precise reason I gave everyone the option, but the mother did then mention that her DH was at home putting together a treadmill.

Yes YABU.

And how do you KNOW it was this little boy if you were all downstairs?

If I left my 2 and a half year old upstairs alone he too would cause mayhem and depending upon his mood sometimes I'm unable to finish a conversation.The difference is I would have just dropped my other child off and left because I would not want him to spoil the day.I would not have had the option to get him minded.Don't be too harsh on him he is still very young.

Would you have been happy if mum 2 had gone upstairs to look after her DS?

I do understand why you're saying that I'm being unreasonable, but what I'm thinking is that if the mother knows a child behaves in such a way, then why would they bring them to a person's house they've never met before? I would have been mortified.

Because they don't have the same standards as you and think its not that bad?

The other mum's lame parenting was unacceptable. Some 3 year olds are jaw-droppingly "characterful", so you keep a gimlet eye upon them till it wears off with age. Knackering. Don't ask them back.

and I don't care about the mess, but I do care about the dents on the doors, the chipped paint, the torn books and broken toys.

He is a small child. If you were bothered you should not have let them play upstair unaccompanied.

I think you were a little naive to invite siblings - I know you were trying to be nice, but if you invite numerous children of different age groups into your home you either need to plan a lot of activities to keep them occupied, or you need to expect collateral damage. Perhaps the mother felt she needed to keep talking to you as it was your home and you seemed to want to have coffee? Could you have suggested some sort of activity that would interest him.

Three year old boys will often behave like this - and a lot worse. If you haven't encountered much worse behaviour by the time your DD has reached school age, you are very fortunate.

Difficult for the other mum, though - should she have kept her DS downstairs, where he screamed, or go upstairs to watch him, thus being antisocial? Neither option sounds particularly appealing as a guest, especially when you've never met your hostess before. I suppose she picked the option that was less immediately mortifying and hoped for the best.

YABU to think the mum shouldn't have bought her other child.... you invited him.

YANBU to be pissed off your house was trashed. Sometimes other peoples children give us headaches and trash our house. Funnily enough they don't tend to get invited back.

But the more children you invite over, the more likely it is that your house will get trashed if you let small children play unattended. I wouldn't let someone elses 3 yo play upstairs unsuperviesed (I have learned from experience). I would have put age appropriate toys downstairs or thrown them into the garden. The children, not the toys.

Given that it was a first visit, the other mum probably didn't realise that the kids would be playing upstairs out of sight for much of the time, and thought that her 3 yo would be fine. Having found out otherwise, she would just have had to muddle through.

You are being very unreasonable to think she shouldn't have brought the little boy, as you actually invited him.

I can't understand why you don't see that to be honest.

However, I can understand why you're upset about the damage. It would have been better to have had some structured play for the little ones, or at least to have supervised them. His mum probably didn't want to go upstairs in your home as she felt it wasn't appropriate. Not many people would.

Hi schmee . I have an 8 YO DS and a 5 YO DD. I have hosted countless playdates for several years and I have never ever encountered this - from what some of you are saying it looks like I have been very fortunate. Obviously lesson learned and I guess this family won't get invited back, because it will be very tricky to say that the 5YO is invited but not the 3YO.

His mother obviously knows he is 'spririted' and really should have watched over him or left him at home. I bet she wouldn't like her home getting wrecked or toys broken.

From my observations the majority of mums who have 'spirited' children actually do not watch them very much at all, and so of course they can end up doing all sorts of damage, and if there are other little ones sometimes some nasty hitting.

I would have been horrified if my child had done that to someone else's property, but to be honest, I wouldn't have let him do it in the first place!

(A little bit surprised she wasn't worried about him falling down your stairs).

Just invite the child, rather than the whole family, next time. Don't discriminate against your DD's friend because her little brother has behaved badly on one occasion.

Well, you said siblings were welcome. She probably wasn't to know her son would behave like that. Perhaps he was ill, or teething or something like that.

The only way I can think it could have been partly 'your fault' is if perhaps it could have been something you said or maybe you looked annoyed? Did you tell him off when he interrupted your conversations downstairs? If so, perhaps the mum sent him upstairs thinking it would serve you right, some people are like that! (but at that point, I would have wanted to go upstairs, as a 3-5 year olds shouldn't be left unsupervised, as I have also learnt the hard way. (I was tutoring at home, parent brought their DS1 and 3, the youngest went to the downstairs loo on his own and peed all over the place! Mum was asleep, I was teaching.)

It's not like the mum could have left with her son, as she would have had to take her DD as well and that would have been virtually impossible, so if you wanted her to stay downstairs to chat, but wanted her son to be quiet, what choices did you give her?

Why op dident you say omething to the boy at the timeor his mum.

Also agree that if you are going to invite siblings, you really need to have something for them to do - Duplo, playdough, or something like that to occupy them on Mum's knee. Drawing or scribbling won't entertain many 3 year olds beyond a few seconds.

Huh spirited is code for badly behaved

What happened is that I said siblings welcome not having a clue about whether these kids had siblings or not. I just wanted to be welcoming and make it as easy as possible for them. None of the mums said in advance whether they were bringing other kids or not so preparing some activities in advance wasn't really possible as I had no idea who was going to turn up. When this mum turned up with the little one and she let him go downstairs, I did express my concern about him falling down the stairs but she said he would be absolutely fine. Staying downstairs would have been a fine option for the little one as there are toys everywhere, but he wanted to follow the big ones I guess. As for me showing irritation when he interrupted, not at all, as the host I tried to seem unfaced over his screaming, but I did catch the other mum's expression of horror. I guess what I'm thinking is that if she knew the way her ds behaves, perhaps she shouldn't have brought him, invited or not, as I have not got a clue about his behaviour. Now that I know what this little boy is like, if I invite him again and then complain, I understand I would be unreasonable.