Is it me or him?

[TheHeirOfSlytherin]

Recently I can't help but notice that certain things dh does piss me off no end - specifically in relation to his mother. I am posting to get an idea of whether I am unreasonable or justified on repeatedly getting so pissed off. I am beginning to sound like a jealous, selfish bitch.

So firstly, dh swapped our £50 Morphy Richards slow cooker for MILs £10 unbranded one. The reasoning? Our was too big for us but MILs was too small for her. Fair enough, except we're now £40 down. This annoys me. When I last raised it with dh he put the phone down on me.

Secondly, for the second time in as many months MIL has offered our belongings to friends of hers to borrow. The first instance was our travel cot, we don't use it so not a problem and we lent it out. I was slightly annoyed that MIL offered our stuff before asking us though.

Today, she offered our "spare" carseat to a friend we don't know for an unknown period of time. Dh thinks I'm completely unreasonable because when he told me about this (after he agreed to lend it and handed it over to MIL) I asked the following questions/stated the following reasons why it shouldn't have been lent to someone:

1. The carseat is only spare because dh told me the buckle was broken, so I bought a new carseat > therefore in my opinion it's not fit for use by anyone (dh claims it wasn't broken but ds just didn't fit - it's a 0-4 car seat and ds was 18 months at the time!, I clearly remember him telling me the buckle was broken as I immediately ordered a new carseat to replace it.)

1. Since it was declared broken, it has been sat in a smoky, mouldy, damp broken down car on the drive (waiting to be delivered to the tip). Therefore even if it wasn't potentially broken it would need a hell of a damn good clean before any baby goes near it imo.

1. We have no idea if the person borrowing the seat knows how to fit it correctly, or if it will even fit in their car (it doesn't fit in most small cars) and the instruction book is not with the seat. We don't know the age or weight of the baby and it doesn't have the newborn insert with it.

Overall I am very worried that this seat is not fit for use for any child and I am very annoyed that dh lent it out and that MIL offered it! Dh says I'm paranoid for worrying about that as it's the parent's decision to use it. I say they haven't been given enough information about the seat to make an informed decision.

I also pointed out that even if we had wanted to use the seat again, lending it out means we no longer have any idea if the seat has ever been dropped etc. Lending carseats to strangers is not something I would ever do.

His mum won't answer my phone calls so I can't tell her any of the above.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? And why are dh and his mother pissing me off so much lately?

Oh, Slytherin... That's such a sad post.

((((Hug))))

Cross posted:(

Don't get yourself in a tizz over a car seat. If it's important to your mother in law let her get dirty, or your husband if he's so keen. Go have a nice shower and ignore the issue, as it's not of your making.

Oh you poor love! Come down from the loft and look after yourself. They can buy their own newborn insert FFS!

I am really cross on your behalf!

I really don't think you're being unreasonable. I'd be annoyed if DP gave away any of our appliances for cheaper ones without running it by me first, just as I wouldn't give any of our appliances away without checking with him first. And yadnbu about mil giving away your stuff even just to borrow - it's not her stuff to give away!

Exactly. Why didn't you say to mil that she offered the car seat she should come look for the thing. Also why did you mention the slow cooker yet again to your husband over the phone and he put the phone down. ?

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all

I would get him to tell MIL that you have lost the part that makes the seat suitable for a baby

given that it is a legal requirement, for a child to sit in an appropriate child seat, and yours is not appropriate, they will need to find another car seat, so the sooner they start the hunt the better.

and then take broken car seat to the tip

awww don't be crying :(

what is it really?

oh heck. I would be annoyed by the slow cooker. these things belong to the family. both of you. you may like the one you had even if it is not practical.

oh and you should not be in the loft looking for the insert. send h and mil up there... then take away the ladder

YANBU
It's your stuff they should check with you first.

I think you are very good and responsible to think of the safety aspects concerning the carseat especially as you don't know the people.
I was very ignorant about them, until a nice guy at Halfords explained lots of safety things to me.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Perhaps you should start giving their stuff away and see how much they like it.

I think there are a whole bunch of issues here, none of which have anything to do with slow cookers and car seats (and I bet the people with the baby just said yes to be polite - you know how sometimes people are insistent they lend you something? They'll get a new one or something. Not your problem).

So what's going on?

Just everything is wrong. I'm slowly destroying my relationship with dh because I'm turning into my mother, a mad unreasonable evil cowbag who flys into a rage over nothing.

Incidentally today my mum called the fucking police and threatened to overdose because the water company haven't fixed her toilet. She does things like this all the time and texts me to tell me about it even though I ignore her, but it's so draining. She thinks I don't love her but I can't help her, she won't be helped and I need to think about ds, but I'm failing at that because she still gets to me.

I have a certain amount of debt, all accumulated in the past 12 months and I'm just an idiot because of it. I can't even tell you what I've spent the money on, I've just not thought about it for a year. This time last year I had no debts at all. Dh will not have a job by the end of November so we've cut back on everything we can. We wouldn't have a problem if I hadn't got us into debt.

Also in the past year, I just stopped doing everything. I want to sleep all the time I feel like such a failure of a mother. I had a shitty job until June and now I have a fantastic boss who really thinks I'm worth something and now I have to prove it but I want to be with ds, except I need to work to pay for my stupidity.

I'm trying to dig myself out of the hole I'm in by starting to work towards things. I have started an OU degree and been enrolled on the Duke of Edinburgh gold award through work. There is a residential next week but I will be away from ds for 5 days, that makes me so sad for me and for him. What if something happens to him while I'm away and I'm not there for him?

And today, a colleague went on paternity leave. He announced his wife was pregnant earlier in the year, the day after I had a miscarriage. I should be on maternity leave right now.

none of those things would bother me (but sod looking for stuff in a dusty loft!)

Oh, Slytherin, I think you need to see your GP and talk about how you're feeling. You're carrying a heavy load and it's hurting you. Please, please stop beating yourself up.

You've got too much going on OP.
Can you say all of this to your DH?

Slytherin you're depressed. Go and talk to your GP.

And big unMNetty hugs xx

Oh bless you, I really feel for you and can relate to many of the things that you are saying.

I know that feeling where you take your eye of the ball for a bit (i.e stop thinking through every single purchase, and decision) and suddenly things seems a bit out of control. Especially with the worry of DH not having a job coming up.

It sounds like you are under an enormous amount of pressure at the moment. Please don't kick yourself about things that you don't think you have got right. Be proud of yourself for taking steps to try and make things better.

Look at it this way, you are in a job where you are valued, you are starting on an exciting degree course and you have a lovely DS. There any many things there to be proud of. Everyone has days like this where everything feels shit, especially as your work colleague has gone on paternity leave.

I hope you are not still in the loft. Can you draw a line under today and do something nice for yourself, or with DH? Have a glass of wine and a cuddle?

When I feel overwhelmed by worries I write each one down in turn and think hard about what I can do to make them better/how much they actually matter and it helps me feel more in control.

awwww sounds like you are having a really hard time

must be extra hard to be searching through the baby stuff at this time.

sending you an un-mumsnet-y hug.

You deserve one xxxx

Ditto Nosey...very well said.

You poor thing - you've had a hell of a shit time. No wonder it's all become overwhelming.

Do you think your ability to cope with the shit now is different to your ability to cope with shit say a few year's ago? The OU and the Duke of Edinburgh is admirable, but it does sound a bit like displacement (as the money-spending probably was) - you've lost a baby, your mother is nuts, and you're dealing with it with ambitious distraction techniques which might not actually get to the root of the problem, which is that it's possible you're suffering some sort of reactive depression as a result of the miscarriage and the stress of your mother. I really think you should talk to your GP about how you're feeling.

Slyth I was all ready to wade in with a big fat YABU but now I've read your other posts I just want to pop round, rifle through your loft for the bloody inset and make youa cuppa

You probably realise, now that you've written it down, that the slow cooker and all that crap is just a symptom of bigger problems, not the problem itself.

See it's not about the slow cooker is it?

Nosey's post was good.

You are overwhelmed, and you have a goodly dose of maternal guilt to go with. From both ends.

You aren't your mother, you aren't going to be like her.

Have you spoken to your DH? I am projecting massively but when I get like you are now I pick fights (slowcooker, travel cot, car seat) instead of crying into his lap. DH would like it much better if I cried into his lap and we could pull together.

poor sausage, try and look after yourself.

Maybe try another thread somewhere more friendly? (not AIBU)

I don't know what to say to you all, I haven't got anyone I can tell any of this to. My mum doesn't even know about the miscarriage. I should be able to tell her, she had nine miscarriages so she knows. But I can't because she would go completely over the top with it all.

Dh knows about all of this but I don't think he knows what to do with me. I don't even know what to do with me. I enolled on the OU course and the DofE to keep me busy, stop me dwelling on things and stop me spending money. I want to do it to show ds that he could achieve anything he wants, if I can do this after messing up my life so badly.

There are other things to do with my brother and sister, that I try not to think about because I can't do anything to help. I'm supposed to be the successful, happy one out of the three of us and look at the state of me.

Hassled, a few years ago I wanted to die and was self harming, though no one knows this, except dh. I don't feel anything at all like that now. Then I felt like I had sunk and there was no hope, but now I'm trying to keep my head above water iyswim? Funny because when I look back, my problems were nothing then compared to now.

Sorry but you seem to obsess over things and have to right. Oneupmanship is unhealthy.

Maybe see a therapist my lovely, just once, see how you feel? Nobody is perfect especially me x

I was about to come in with a YABU but reading your later posts it does seem that you are depressed, everything is on top of you and you are understandably focusing on what are really minor issues.

Please go and see your GP and talk through things with her/him. Sit down with your husband and explain how you are feeling, particularly in light of your miscarriage. Try not to bring up specific examples but talk through what you are feeling.

Your DH may be feeling a little bit confused and explaining to him what you're feeling and why things seem to be getting to you will help him to see things more clearly from your point of view and he'll then be able to give you the help you need.