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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving out one child from party invite

143 replies

DixieD · 18/10/2012 10:52

I am not a horrible cow. My DD is having a princess party for her 6th (hopefully we will be out of this princess phase soon!). We are inviting all the girls in the class. Or at least we are planning to.
The problem is this. One girl in the class is a Jehovah's Witness. She can't go to parties, play dates etc with non JW kids. I know that she will not come to the party as does DD. I was planning on inviting her anyway just so she wouldn't be the only one not getting an invite. I don't want her to be upset and think DD didn't want her there.
However it has occurred to me that it may be disrespectful to her parents beliefs to ask her to something she is bot permitted to attend. Would it be undermining them? It is common knowledge that she doesn't attend parties so its no like I can claim ignorance.
So WIBU to invite this girl despite knowing its against their religious beliefs?

OP posts:
Whistlingwaves · 18/10/2012 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sudaname · 18/10/2012 11:11

Why dont you ask the mum outright ? As she is lovely as you say , just tell her your dilemma and that you dont want to either offend them or hurt their daughters feelings. Ask her if there is anything else you can do for her daughter in place of the party invite or anything you and her daughter can do together which is not at odds with their beliefs.

procrastinor · 18/10/2012 11:12

Ah give her an invite. It'll let her know people still like her and that they're not overlooking her. Poor girl - ok I can understand its her family's belief but I hope she knows lots of other JW children otherwise it's just sad :(

Bunbaker · 18/10/2012 11:12

DixieDThe family you know must be stricter. Although now that they are in year 8 I think that the JWs I know are keeping a tighter rein on the company their daughter keeps. What does surprise me is this has been allowed to wear quite a lot of make up, wear "older" clothes and look like a teenager even at ages 11 and 12.

I don't what what handing out an invitation will achieve as the girl knows she can't attend birthday parties so won't expect an invitation.

procrastinor · 18/10/2012 11:14

Ooh like yellowriver note.

zombieplanmum · 18/10/2012 11:15

Why not speak to her parents, just tell them about the party and that all the other children are invited, say that you feel awkward and realise that it is not their religeon and ask them how they would like you to approach it. Their daughter will be used to this i suppose but they know her better than you do, so they will know if she will prefer to receive the invite which she can then turn down or if she would rather not know about it.

FWIW i think its really sad for her. Her parents are being selfish and she is missing out, but this is not your fault. They may be good people but they are misguided - what exactly do they think will happen if they allow their daughter to have friends.

pumpkinsweetie · 18/10/2012 11:17

Send her an invitation anyway, that way she won't feel left out.

squeakytoy · 18/10/2012 11:19

I cant see how handing a child an invite to a party that you know she will not be allowed to attend is the best way to deal with this.

DesperatelySeekingPerfection · 18/10/2012 11:19

bunbaker she may well know she won't be allowed to attend but I would imagine it will still be hurtful not to be invited.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 18/10/2012 11:20

But won't she feel worse, being given an invitation to a party that you and she both know she won't be allowed to attend?

whistlestopcafe · 18/10/2012 11:22

Don't give her an invitation because she may be upset that she can't go. Speak to the parents and arrange a separate playdate. JW children are fully aware that birthday parties are not something that they can go to but to give her a specific invitation to something that she cannot attend is a little unfair.

PeppermintPanda · 18/10/2012 11:30

Give her an invitation, but instead of it being one for the birthday party, make it an invitation to go to the park on another day after school (with her mum there too if the parents prefer that). Make it clear that it's not to celebrate your DD's birthday, just to play.

zzzzz · 18/10/2012 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 18/10/2012 11:33

Well bunbaker I can assure you this child is not allowed have play dates with non JW children. I don't know if this is a common rule for JW but its certainly one this family follow

All the more reason to invite her then...it may make her parents less secular and bigoted although I won't hold my breath.

RubyFakeNails · 18/10/2012 11:37

I'd invite her, because its her parents who have created this rule and therefore they have the responsibility to enforce it.

Knowing she's at least been invited might mean a lot to her.

WorraLiberty · 18/10/2012 11:47

There are two ways this can go.

  1. You send her an invite and she's upset because her parents won't let her go.

  2. You don't send her an invite and she's upset because she thinks she's so unpopular, your DD doesn't want her there.

Personally, I'd opt for number 1 because what her parents allow her to do is out of your hands, and sadly she's going to have to get used to having this situation forced upon he by her parents.

Not sending an invite makes you and your DD look horrible.

Sending one will probably make her parents look horrible, but then they're choosing that so they won't mind.

Wethoughtitwasanotherday · 18/10/2012 11:51

Invite her. If she isn't going to come that is her parents decision but at least she knows that she is welcome and that you would have liked her to have been there.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 18/10/2012 11:53

I'd invite the little girl anyway. Mainly because I'd value her feelings (which could be hurt if she didnt get an invite) over some adults' religious beliefs.

PropertyNightmare · 18/10/2012 11:53

Worra is right. Don't collude with the parents and their unreasonable treatment of this little girl. Let the little girl see that she is wanted and that people generally don't want to exclude her.

BelleJolie · 18/10/2012 11:54

I would invite her and I like the idea of yellowriver's note.

Spatsky · 18/10/2012 11:56

Atmosphere vote for speak to the mum if she is indeed lovely.

I would say to the mum that your daughter is having a birthday party, she doesn't want to leave the friend out but is aware that she cannot attend and allow the mum to deal with the child's expectations and or disappointment, if any.

If, having spoken to the mum you decide not to give an invite you ca ask the mum to reassure the child that this is not personal but if, having spoken to the mum you decide to send the invite you can do so knowing you won't be causing offence.

Spatsky · 18/10/2012 11:56

Another vote for. Sorry ipad

Viviennemary · 18/10/2012 11:57

I agree with the others. Definitely send the invitation.

WorraLiberty · 18/10/2012 11:59

I'm sorry but I wouldn't be bothered about causing offence to someone who wouldn't allow their child a 'play date' with mine, because we're not the same religion.

I find that fucking offensive.

edam · 18/10/2012 11:59

I would send the invite but with a note saying you understand if they do not feel able to attend but your dd did not want to leave her friend out.

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