to tell DP we are co-sleeping and if he doesn't like it he can sleep on the sofa (long)

[lola88]

I want to co-sleep with DS 8mo DP doesn't. I want to put my foot down and tell him i'm bringing DS in with us if he doesn't like it he knows where the sofa is. I know that makes me sound like a total bitch but i can asure you i'm not, i've never put my foot down and demanded anything before i'm usually a bit of a people pleaser.

BUT DS is driving me to the point where i feel i am losing my mind. He has never been a good sleeper and has got worse as he gets older i have tried EVERYTHING to get him to sleep he just won't. A good night is 2 wakings the record for worst night (not counting teething and illness) is 9. Now that he's 8 months he's started to get seperation anxiety from me and the wakings are getting to every 1-2 hours just wanting me. He's lovely but even in the day very high needs.

I have now got to the stage i'm so tired i'm constantly upset, angry, weepy, i'm so forgetfull it becoming a problem in day to day life, i'm a shit friend constantly cancelling things (or forgetting them) because i want to try to sleep, i snap and DS and DN to much, and can't be bothered to do anything. The house is decending into a hovel but i just can't be bothered doing anything but the basics. I'm turning into this crazy woman i don't even know.

The last 2 nights i've brought DS from his cot into our bed at 11ish and have slept so much better sunday night he woke twice and needed resettled 2/3 times but i could settle him before he properly woke stopping it turning into an hour trying to get him back down, last night for the first time in his life he only woke once slept soundly until 7! I feel like i'm coming back to being a human being again i've managed to clean the house and be a fun mummy.

I want to keep going with bringing him in DP says no because then we have to try to get him to sleep alone when he's older and he knowss how tired i am but i should keep going. Well i say bullshit doing it one night a week then getting to sleep in til 12pm does not mean you know what it's like i need sleep for my sanity especially when i go back to work so DP will have to like it or lump it. I do see his point about then having to get DS back on his own at some point but to me that seems like the lesser of the 2 problems.

AIBU?

My Dsd was a bad sleeper and co slept with her mom. At 7 she still insists on sleeping with Dh and I. And she still sleeps with her mom.

I am expecting in December, and I don't see all 4 of us co-sleeping.

So my Ds will likely not be in the bed, but next to us, and Dsd WILL be in the bed. Hows that for messed up?

Actually, I'll probably send Dh and DSd to go sleep in her bed together.

Yanbu.
I co slept with dd from younger than 8 months in and off until she was 2.5 when she went angelicly in to her own bed and hasn't been back. Rod - back - whatever!!!

If your dp is knowingly depriving you of sleep that's a much bigger issue and is downright selfish.

you're confusing that poor baby by putting it in different beds all the time, sometimes with you, sometimes without you. Sometimes coming in when he's crying, sometimes not. Whatever you choose to do, be consistent. Consistent. Consistent. Consistent. Day in, day out, same thing. No more chopping and changing. Okay.

I am all for co sleeping and it has helped me maintain sanity whilst bringing up 5 kids. I didn't do it for my first two, but my third baby was such a restless little thing and my friend suggested co sleeping. I am so glad she did, it was so much better. My DH never wanted too, but he appreciated that I needed the sleep to function, so we bought a king size bed.

When I had my fifth child we bought a double bed for his room, knowing that I would probably share with the baby and that DH would have uninterrupted nights in our bed. The baby is now four and transitioning to his own bed. It hasn't been easy, but a lot easier than settling a young baby as we are using star charts and incentives.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, you are being practical.

Can you get a bed for your DH, so he doesn't have to sleep on the sofa?

I,ve not read the whole thread, so sorry if I have missed something.

Some people are saying you should persevere with him in his cot and he will eventually sleep through. This might be true but at what cost to your health and sanity. My dd woke on average 5 times a night until she was 2 and half. She always slept better in bed with me but like your DH I thought I would make things worse by encouraging this. In the end I cracked as needed sleep due to being preg and having terrible ms. So I slept in with her. I just had to sleep. When morning sickness wore off after about 6 weeks, I returned to our room and the night time wakening ceased. The pattern had been broken. It may also have been to do with something developmental but I am now a firm believer of doing what you need to in order to SLEEP. I also got a lot of support from a sleep thread in here; we would all keep each other company in the middle of the night and share sleep tips.
Good luck

I'm not sure how helpful the "oh, I sleep trained very gently at this age - that's what you should do" type comments are, tbh.

Just because one particular baby responded well to something or the other doesn't mean that it's a panacea for all babies. These sorts of comments often have the effect of making the mother feel like they're doing something wrong, rather than the simple fact of the situation that their baby is different.

It's hugely inaccurate and unhelpful to say to a complete stranger on an internet forum that their a 8 month old baby 'should' be able to self-settle. Where on earth does that come from?

You need to do what you need to do to sleep. My babies were completely different sleepers. When dc2 came along, I assumed that I'd do pretty much the same as with dc1 and he'd be more or less sleeping through by 6 months .......

My least favourite parenting homily = 'rod for your own back'. Absolute bollocks. Both ds's coslept as needed til 11-14 months and moved into their own beds when they started sleeping better. Do whatever it takes to get through.

Kiwi is utterly right. Routine and consistency are your friends.

Lola since you tried it his way can you get him to agree to try co-sleeping for 2weeks or a month. Then re-assess and see. Just because you decide to cosleep for a bit doesn't mean you'll end up with your dc in bed with you forever. You're still the parent and you can decide its time for your dc to go back to his own bed whenever you want. Plus after a few nights of good sleep you may feel more up to sleep training.

The op says in the thread they tried cc for two weeks. If it was going to work (which it doesnt for all babies) they should have made progress in those two weeks.

8mths is still very little, most nutrition will still be coming from milk and lots if developmental change may be affecting sleep.

Some babies sleep through from a young age and some can self settle, my ds4 did but others did not. For now getting sleep is a priority or the op will find her mh suffering.

If her dh is not willing to help then she needs to do what works for now and reasses once she has more energy and strength to deal with it.

Co-sleeping does not have to lead to an older child still in your bed or a crap marriage! You get inventive with regards to sex for one thing. Some gave very negative views regarding co-sleeping, when it can and does work very well for many.

I think your child should be helping with the baby before he pronounces on how you parent over night.

and for those who are saying controlled crying, gina ford, etc etc - ha fucking ha.

we have tried every bloody method with 3 yo DS and our sleep specialist HV has even come to the conclusion that we just have to let him grow out of it. controlled crying does not work with every child (believe me, we tried it. 4 hours of screaming followed by 2 hours sleep for the first few nights, then just relentless screaming until we gave up. each time we tried.). and even now DS self settles he still wakes 2-8 times a night. and is up from 5 or 6 for a day of tantrums (and is in bed by 6 or 7).

yet for some reason this is not considered a sleep problem by doctors.

Agree with you 100% OP. It's your sleep that's getting screwed up, not his, so you get to make the decision! Bring the little one in with you and get your DP to sleep on the sofa.

I am finding this thread totally depressing tbh; lots of talk about how her husband should 'help' (Baby is his child FFS), lots of mutterings about poor husband and his feelings and wants should be taken into consideration. And even a suggestion that the OP goes off and sleeps elsewhere with her baby. To accommodate an arse hole who won't compromise on anything and wants the world to revolve around him.

Are we still in the 1950s?

Ooh I just wrote a post saying as much, 5madthings, but it disappeared.

I think the 2 weeks controlled crying has traumatised baby. It is far too harsh and I'm really quite peed off that people still advocate this as an appropriate method.

I don't agree with co-sleeping long-term either though, but controlled comforting seems to be about the right balance, when everyone is ready for it though. OP is clearly not ready and neither is baby.

Babies and adults need sleep. Their brains develop at night. I would co-sleep for a while and take baby onto the sofa and watch DP feel the shame. No decent bloke would want their wife and baby to sleep on the sofa. Call his bluff.

Kveta have you tried controlled comforting?

Controlled crying gives me the shivers.

Don't sleep on the sofa with the baby though OP, that is not safe co-sleeping practise.

I don't agree with CC either, but each to their own. My DH couldn't bear leaving a child to cry either, if often the first out of bed when DD wakes up to come to our bed and he brings her in. For me, a very responsive dad is a very attractive dad .

OP how was last night?

(Obvs only if it's a proper sofa-bed - and it's just a bluff anyway, to see if DP rises to it.)

an attractive DH rather!

achillea - yeah I know! But when you are so tired and your DH doesn't want baby in the bed, I bet the sofa can seem very inviting.

Kveta- Why are you putting him to bed so early when he is such a bad sleeper?

OP- is this baby your only child? If so Why don't you sleep during the day instead of arranging outings with friends, cleaning etc? It's more tricky when you have more than one child, but being at home wth one child should be easy to catch up on sleep?

My DP was actually the complete opposite to yours OP, he was always up, waking with every whimper (waking me up in the process). Cuddling to sleep every night (so if she woke again she wouldn't be able to get herself to sleep again). It made it very hard for me to get her to sleep alone.

In the end I just had to take over and put her in the other room and deal with it. Sometimes it is just better to do what you need to and expect very little from DP as his kind of help isn't always helpful.

Eg 'I'll look after the kids, you go out'. You get back and the place is wrecked, sink fully of dishes and you have twice as much work to do. Sorry, now I'm just moaning.

Am I the only one that finds the reality of Co-sleeping very disappointing? We tried it out of desperation the other night, after DAY (9 months and sleeps through in his own room normally) just would not go back down at midnight. It. Was. Hell. He wriggled and kicked and headbutted me so hard he gave me a black eye. He had to go between us, so he didn't climb out of the bed, then kept shuffling down the bed, under the duvet. Every time he woke up he tried to climb over me to get to the night stand, or pull himself up in the headboard, or lick one of our faces etc etc. I got NO sleep, I wanted to cry in the morning. Never, ever happening again. I would rather rock him in a chair all night than do that again.

The IDEA of Co-sleeping is lovely, though.

No real advice for the OP, other than to maybe just do what works for now and reassess in a couple of weeks when you are feeling a bit better.

I agree with you OP. Tell DH to like it or lump it. Its not good for you, your mental health, physical health, children etc for you to be at what sounds like breaking point.

EasilyBored - My DD does go through phases of kicking and screaming in the bed, but it's always been when she's been teething, so she was in pain. But on the whole both my DC's have just..err slept in the bed and it doesn't disturb me. Depends on the child I guess.