to tell DP we are co-sleeping and if he doesn't like it he can sleep on the sofa (long)

[lola88]

I want to co-sleep with DS 8mo DP doesn't. I want to put my foot down and tell him i'm bringing DS in with us if he doesn't like it he knows where the sofa is. I know that makes me sound like a total bitch but i can asure you i'm not, i've never put my foot down and demanded anything before i'm usually a bit of a people pleaser.

BUT DS is driving me to the point where i feel i am losing my mind. He has never been a good sleeper and has got worse as he gets older i have tried EVERYTHING to get him to sleep he just won't. A good night is 2 wakings the record for worst night (not counting teething and illness) is 9. Now that he's 8 months he's started to get seperation anxiety from me and the wakings are getting to every 1-2 hours just wanting me. He's lovely but even in the day very high needs.

I have now got to the stage i'm so tired i'm constantly upset, angry, weepy, i'm so forgetfull it becoming a problem in day to day life, i'm a shit friend constantly cancelling things (or forgetting them) because i want to try to sleep, i snap and DS and DN to much, and can't be bothered to do anything. The house is decending into a hovel but i just can't be bothered doing anything but the basics. I'm turning into this crazy woman i don't even know.

The last 2 nights i've brought DS from his cot into our bed at 11ish and have slept so much better sunday night he woke twice and needed resettled 2/3 times but i could settle him before he properly woke stopping it turning into an hour trying to get him back down, last night for the first time in his life he only woke once slept soundly until 7! I feel like i'm coming back to being a human being again i've managed to clean the house and be a fun mummy.

I want to keep going with bringing him in DP says no because then we have to try to get him to sleep alone when he's older and he knowss how tired i am but i should keep going. Well i say bullshit doing it one night a week then getting to sleep in til 12pm does not mean you know what it's like i need sleep for my sanity especially when i go back to work so DP will have to like it or lump it. I do see his point about then having to get DS back on his own at some point but to me that seems like the lesser of the 2 problems.

AIBU?

I'd tell your dh to piss off to the sofa myself. I think he's totally underestimating the effect of a bad night's sleep. Mulitply that by 8 months worth of bad night's and then it's completely understandable that you would do anything to get some more sleep.

Perhaps he should do one night and see.

And anyway 8 months is too young for sleep training.

I co sleep with my very clingy 5 month old (also bad during the day) and I completely understand why you would do it. if it actually improves your nights, then it's a no-brainer as far I can see.

ScaredySquirrel he does one night at the weekend BUT then i get up in the morning, still he seems to think this makes him know how tired i must be.

He's just been told straight it's happening

Your DP either needs to come up with a better solution that allows you to get an adequate amount of sleep and doesn't result in endless crying, or he needs to accept co-sleeping.

And to those who think it's not "normal" for an 8 month old to wake every 1-2 hours - it is normal for some. It's not great from the parents' perspective, but it is normal i.e. it doesn't mean there's something wrong.

Good luck Lola, I co-sleep and it means I can survive! Tbh i'm still knackered, but much less knackered than I would be if I had to actually get up. Some babies just need their mum a lot in the night. There are several gentle methods for trying to help your baby sleep for longer once you're cosleeping, which you might want to look at when your DS is a bit older if he's still very wakeful.

8 months is the perfect age for sleep training for lots of babies.

They eat/drink enough during the day for the parent to know they do not need a night feed, after the 10/11pm one.

I am with your DH, in a way, but my sympathy is with you, if that makes sense!

The only two friends I have who co slept ended up with their 2 and 4 year olds still in the bed, and the sex life out of the window (and not just sex, but just that bit of couple time), and the husbands massively resentful, yet, I think they patched it up eventually. But it led to the husbands feeling unloved and unwanted.

FWIW, I think that your DH should help out more at night, and THEN he can have a say.

On the co-sleeping and DHs feeling unwanted - you can still snuggle with your husband in bed if the child is on one side! And many co-sleeping families start the night with the baby in a cot which may well be in a separate room, so parents have the first part of the night on their own in any case. Not trying to argue with you Chandon but saying there are various ways of doing it that can make it work for both partners.

I would give him a choice:

1 he can do the nights his way

OR

2 you can do the nights your way

He can't force you to do all the night waking and then refuse to let you make decisions about what works best.

The only rod anyone makes for their back is having to listen to people using that bloody stupid expression just because they're choosing to give a baby what he/ she needs

Of course babies want to sleep close to their source of food, warmth and protection. Millions of years of evolution have programmed them to want that and fgs, if your dp isn't mature enough to cope with sleeping on his own how/ why does he think a defenceless baby should be able to? Babies don't know they are safe and their parents will return, how could they know that?

Am now hiding this thread. Sleep training makes me sick. Babies do not 'learn to self settle' they learn that there is no point in crying and that no one cares to comfort them. Sorry op that your dp is being selfish and immature.

mummysmells, that is not how I sleeptrained.

I guess there are many ways. For me sleeptraining involved me going in, but not feeding him (other than offering water). Just to get used to 6-8 hours of no milk/food during the night. Once I swapped milk for water at night feeds, they weren't bothered and slept through. This was around 8 months old. I would also go in and comfort, but not for hours and hours.

I think it is possible to sleeptrain gently, and bit by bit. It is not about harsh parenting.

I really have thought about it for 8 long months i've thought about it it is not just an idea thats popped into my mind.

I've told DP i'm doing it if i need to and i must deal with todays problem before worrying about problems that might possibly come up down the line, i certainly don't have a Feck off out of it attitude with DP i've done it his way for the last month and it doesn't work. If our relationship can stand 8 months of non sleeping and me being so tired i go to bed instead of spendiing time with him then i'd hope it can stand a while of DS being in our bed.

I can't stand the thought of any more sleep training just now i'm to tired to fight with DS maybe once he's sleeping better and i don't feel so down i will have better luck with it.

YANBU
The early months and years with your baby are so precious and so fleeting. You don't want them to pass you by because you were in the thick fog of sleep-deprivation. It's miserable.

Besides, if it is right for you, co-sleeping with your little one feels very special. Our DD co-slept with me until she was about 13 months old then we transitioned her into her cot by sleeping on a mattress in her room for a while. She is now 19 mths old and sleeps through the night in her own cot. I miss her in bed but have a newborn so can't co-sleep with them both at the moment as DS would wake DD too often.

During the time that she co-slept with me, DP slept on the sofa during the week and with us at weekends. When he slept on the sofa he got to stay up late watching TV knowing that he'd get a good nights sleep and that I wouldn't be such a mardy cow in the morning coz I'd have got a better nights sleep too. At weekends he would take her downstairs in the morning so I could have a lie in.

I'm sorry but I think your DP is being a bit shitty about this. Do it your way. After all, you are the main care-giver and besides the needs of your child should come first.

If you need a bit of reassurance about co-sleeping visit the Dr Sears website. It's heartwarming stuff.

Good Luck

From the OP "I have now got to the stage i'm so tired i'm constantly upset, angry, weepy, i'm so forgetfull it becoming a problem in day to day life, i'm a shit friend constantly cancelling things (or forgetting them) because i want to try to sleep, i snap and DS and DN to much, and can't be bothered to do anything. The house is decending into a hovel but i just can't be bothered doing anything but the basics. I'm turning into this crazy woman i don't even know."

This person NEEDS to get some sleep. Ignoring that need, in favour of her Hs preferences is ridiculous.

Her H should be trying to make her life easier, either by helping at nights or agreeing with how his wife wants to do the nights. If he chooses not to support his wife in any way, he is a selfish arse and I'm afraid it is time for the OP just to get on with things.

I am a big fan of co-sleeping. I have a 2yr old and 3.11yr old.

A few points:

1. Why does your dh have to sleep on the sofa just because there is a baby in the bed? My dh has never done this in the nearly 4yrs of doing this. We have a normal double and baby sleeps between me and bed guard. I'd have thought your dh would be more disturbed with an unsettled dc waking up and crying every 2hrs than having a baby in the bed.
2. Our dcs start off in cots and come to our bed around midnight. Our sex life is great. I don't suffer from sleep deprivation even though dd still wakes up at night. If Iam tired there will be no sex.
3. They sleep on their own through the night eventually. It happened with my ds shortly after 3yrs.
4. Perhaps I biased as I absolutely love co-sleeping. Personally for me it is one oftofthe best things about being a parent . Luckily dh hasn't any complains either.

Yanbu

Just do it, do whatever it takes to get some sleep.
Think of it as something you are doing for a bit to get some sleep.
Present it as such to your partner.

Then get some sleep. All of you sound desperate for it.

Babies change so fast. You can have another crack at settling him in his cot in a few weeks, try again a fortnight after that if it doesn't work out.
At 8 months they are just starting to eat food but still filling up on milk.
You might find in a month's time once he's got some protein and carbs and a banana or porridge down him, pre bedtime, that he sleeps much better.
Or he might be crap like my DS who only slept through at 17 months old.

You could compromise by starting him off in his cot and then moving him in with you if and when he wakes.

Elizabeth Pantley wrote a very good book called The No Cry Sleep Slution which you might find reassuring.

Lola88, good for you, I'm sure your H will see a big difference in you, once you get a few good nights sleep and understand why you are co sleeping.

Sleep tight tonight

He doesn't need to sleep on the sofa but he can piss of there if he doesn't want to sleep with us he can sleep with us, he's even admitted that he slept well the last 2 nights DS was in with us.

Well then he's just being a tit and will get used to it

There's a lot of negative bollocks thought surrounded co-sleeping, but it is a life saver for a lot of people. And even when its not, a lot of families enjoy it.

Get a good nights sleep.

Please just do it. We co- slept with DS1 ( it wasn't called that in those days ). He is now 20 and absolutely fine emotionally and physically.
My advice is listen to your instincts and you won't go far wrong.
DS1 was in own bed by age 3 and has always been a great sleeper.
DS2 never wanted/ needed to co- sleep and was a happy bunny for most of his early years.

Like maddening we do the crack-den solution. mattress on the floor in DDs room. I start the night with DH, then get in with DD when she cries. That way we can get a bit amorous/have a cuddle if we fancy it, and I can also give DD what she wants. Only loser is me playing musical beds really, but like you, OP, I do every single nightwaking so it's my way or the highway.

Do whatever you need to get some sleep, tell your dp from me to do one

Whilst getting enough sleep is vital I don't think with an 8 month old baby co-sleeping is the answer.

I agree with your DP though - if you want to co-sleep go and sleep in your DS's room.

By 8 months your DS should be able to settle himself, you need to work out how to teach him to do this.

But wouldn't it be better for the op to catch up on sleep before starting sleep training?