to tell DP we are co-sleeping and if he doesn't like it he can sleep on the sofa (long)

[lola88]

I want to co-sleep with DS 8mo DP doesn't. I want to put my foot down and tell him i'm bringing DS in with us if he doesn't like it he knows where the sofa is. I know that makes me sound like a total bitch but i can asure you i'm not, i've never put my foot down and demanded anything before i'm usually a bit of a people pleaser.

BUT DS is driving me to the point where i feel i am losing my mind. He has never been a good sleeper and has got worse as he gets older i have tried EVERYTHING to get him to sleep he just won't. A good night is 2 wakings the record for worst night (not counting teething and illness) is 9. Now that he's 8 months he's started to get seperation anxiety from me and the wakings are getting to every 1-2 hours just wanting me. He's lovely but even in the day very high needs.

I have now got to the stage i'm so tired i'm constantly upset, angry, weepy, i'm so forgetfull it becoming a problem in day to day life, i'm a shit friend constantly cancelling things (or forgetting them) because i want to try to sleep, i snap and DS and DN to much, and can't be bothered to do anything. The house is decending into a hovel but i just can't be bothered doing anything but the basics. I'm turning into this crazy woman i don't even know.

The last 2 nights i've brought DS from his cot into our bed at 11ish and have slept so much better sunday night he woke twice and needed resettled 2/3 times but i could settle him before he properly woke stopping it turning into an hour trying to get him back down, last night for the first time in his life he only woke once slept soundly until 7! I feel like i'm coming back to being a human being again i've managed to clean the house and be a fun mummy.

I want to keep going with bringing him in DP says no because then we have to try to get him to sleep alone when he's older and he knowss how tired i am but i should keep going. Well i say bullshit doing it one night a week then getting to sleep in til 12pm does not mean you know what it's like i need sleep for my sanity especially when i go back to work so DP will have to like it or lump it. I do see his point about then having to get DS back on his own at some point but to me that seems like the lesser of the 2 problems.

AIBU?

Oohlaalaa, the baby doesn't have to be next to the H, so there is not a chance he could smother the baby.

Most babies sleep next to the mum, with the mum in the middle of the bed.

Dp wasn't against co-sleeping, but probably wouldn't have gone down that route if i hadn't wanted to. I wanted to because it was the only way I got any sleep. It was ok for the first 6 months, but as dd got bigger she disturbed dp more. He wanted to stop co-sleeping and I didn't, partially because dd was a terrible sleeper, and partially because I liked co-sleeping.

In the end we put a double futon in dd's room and I slept there with dd while dp stayed in our room. I know a lot of people would say this is bad for your relationship, but it worked for us, and now dd's 17 months we're back in together.

Oh I co-slept with all 3 of my children - worked well and they all moved into their own beds by 18 months at the very latest.

I think getting more sleep is the most important thing at the moment for you. Can't say my DH was at all impacted by babies in our bed - I did have a bedside cot though which gave the illusion of more space I guess.

I don't know anyone whose co-slept whose had long term sleep problems with their children or destroyed relationships.

My relationship has always been much happier when I'm getting some sleep.

For every person who has a damaged relationship and terrible non-sleeping 3 year olds, there's the people who it did work for.

So what's your point? That it's a crap shoot? And co-sleeping works for some families but not for others? Well, of course.

The OP is so exhausted thet her family are starting to wonder if she's suffering from PND, surely co-sleeping (even if it's temporary) will eleveate the very real possibility of the OP becoming ill?

So do you think the DH should be helping with nights then? Or that the OP should just run herself completely into the floor - because we all must become martyrs to motherhood!

There are some babies that just won't sleep - alone or otherwise. I tried every damned thing going with ds1, even controlled crying. Believe me, absolutely nothing worked except bringing him into bed with me.

Years later, I find out he is tongue tied and suffering from sleep apnoea. I'm very glad that I didn't leave him to sleep alone.

He finally started sleeping through when he started school.

Do what you have to do OP

I know of one relationship where the woman went against her "D"Hs "wishes" and it led to divorce.

She was better off without him, he was a selfish tosser who refused to help at all at nights, even though she was also working. He was a knob.

Surely co-sleeping isn't the only option? how long did you try CC for? sleeping on the sofa is hardly ideal for someone in the long term.

I can only tell you my own experience and that is that co-sleeping has been a godsend for me, a wholly positive experience. I had to go back to work full time quite early on and just couldnt have coped with that amount of broken sleep every night. As youve found, if they wake in the night when you co-sleep its so easy to setlle them quickly. I have to say that my DH was in agreement though, I do think you should try talking to your DH again and stressing how bad you feel
Oh and all this rod for your own back shit, god I wish Id had a pound for every time Id heard that. I think it comes from a place of ignorance and I just completely ignore. I love waking up and seeing my dd sleeping peacefully beside me, it really is priceless
And for the record, all this talk of ruining relationships, you can actually have sex in places other than your bed with the lights off

Meant to add, this man who was a friend off DH, seriously felt upset that this baby was having an effect on the amount of "quality" time he spent with his wife. Wtf did he expect, especially as he didn't ever do anything with HIS child.

Oohlaalaa, just to warn you, getting up at 6 is a serious lie in with a newborn. I remember nights with both of my DDs when they were up from 0130 or 0200 until DH got up for work. That is not a joke. Desperate times call for desperate measures OP!

I think you need to get the sleep thing sorted first. Talk to DP and get him to help you out. DS should be able to sleep more often than 1-2 hours and it is in his best interests to get this dealt with.

I would go to your GP or HV to talk to them about it - they may help you get to the bottom of what's going on - he may have a genuine medical problem. At 8 months dcs need more calories - is he getting enough during the day? Is there anything that wakes him? Noise? Could it be particularly painful teething?

Don't get grumpy with DP, he's probably as tired and drained as you are and I'm sure you can sort it out together.

Do you take turns in dealing with his wake ups? It might be easier if you take yourself to the sofa and leave DS in bed with DP.

I co-slept with all of mine too - I can't do without sleep.

I really do sympathise, a friend of mine has a 4yr old DD and a 3yr old DS and neither have slept all night in their own bed EVER! Said friend got so desperate she rang the HV and begged for help and the HV has been amazing, both children after 5 weeks are sleeping in their own beds, DS waking only once but staying in bed to wait for mummy to tuck him back in and DD sleeping right through. Is your HV approachable? Maybe it would take someone not exhausted at the end of their rope to be able to see a solution, it often helps to have an outside perspective. IMO the most important thing is for your hubby to give you some support, good luck hope you find a solution

Get a saw and cut the side off his cot and push it up to your side of the bed , find a way to wedge it in place, maybe between a wall and your bed.That way you can cuddle him when he needs it and push him back into his space once he's asleep. Tell Dh its not for always, everything passes but at the moment you need to sleep!
Some kids are more work than others , My first ds left me totally exhausted he was such high maintenance and I ended up doing this with his cot.

OP, this sounds like me and my DS to a tee!

Co-sleeping saved my sanity. No exaggeration.

You need your sleep, DP will survive. Anyone told you you're 'making a rod for your own back' yet? Don't worry, they will. Along with ''if you don't leave baby to scream himself to sleep he will never learn how to sleep blah blah.'

Ignore them. Do you know any adults who can only sleep in their parents' bed? Thought not. Just get on top of the sleep and then you will be so much better equipped to do any changes or try other arrangements when you feel it is right.

Op- if co sleeping is what you need to do in order to function then go for it. A reasonable conversation about your husbands contribution at night is best but If he's unwilling to help with his child then it's not his choice to make. As posters have said before, children grow out of co sleeping, you can manage that how you choose, you're not making this choice lightly and obviously are ill with exhaustion. An ill mum both physically and mentally won't be any use to help.

Do what you need to, as long as you're doing it safely then you'll be healthier for it.

oohlaalaa that is exactly what we said before DS was born and we have stuck to it until now. Things with babies don't always work out how you plan.

I've been to the docs and HV they don't think anything is wrong with him i have no idea why he wakes there seems to be no reason for it at all. I tried CC for 2 weeks and it just did not work for me DS screamed for hours becoming more and more upset i also found it very hard it felt wrong to me.

I feel that bringing DS in with us is the only way that will work for us

I would do whatever it takes to stay sane. I co slept with dc until they were 11 months old. If your dh cant help with night time then it is unfair of him to expect you to get no sleep at all.

Ds (20mths - also a bit pants at the sleeping game) and I sleep on a kingsize mattress on his bedroom floor - you could pick up a cheap mattress? Then avoids falling out of bed and keeps the living room free of the inevitable mess of dp living downstairs. Yes ds room is a bed but at least he Oscar getting used to that as his bedroom and will eventually turn unused cot into toddler bed and coax ds in to it.

Can't believe some posters are advocating leaving a child to cry instead of both getting a good nights sleep. God forbid a baby actually being a baby and, you know, needing their parents to look after them