to tell DP we are co-sleeping and if he doesn't like it he can sleep on the sofa (long)

[lola88]

I want to co-sleep with DS 8mo DP doesn't. I want to put my foot down and tell him i'm bringing DS in with us if he doesn't like it he knows where the sofa is. I know that makes me sound like a total bitch but i can asure you i'm not, i've never put my foot down and demanded anything before i'm usually a bit of a people pleaser.

BUT DS is driving me to the point where i feel i am losing my mind. He has never been a good sleeper and has got worse as he gets older i have tried EVERYTHING to get him to sleep he just won't. A good night is 2 wakings the record for worst night (not counting teething and illness) is 9. Now that he's 8 months he's started to get seperation anxiety from me and the wakings are getting to every 1-2 hours just wanting me. He's lovely but even in the day very high needs.

I have now got to the stage i'm so tired i'm constantly upset, angry, weepy, i'm so forgetfull it becoming a problem in day to day life, i'm a shit friend constantly cancelling things (or forgetting them) because i want to try to sleep, i snap and DS and DN to much, and can't be bothered to do anything. The house is decending into a hovel but i just can't be bothered doing anything but the basics. I'm turning into this crazy woman i don't even know.

The last 2 nights i've brought DS from his cot into our bed at 11ish and have slept so much better sunday night he woke twice and needed resettled 2/3 times but i could settle him before he properly woke stopping it turning into an hour trying to get him back down, last night for the first time in his life he only woke once slept soundly until 7! I feel like i'm coming back to being a human being again i've managed to clean the house and be a fun mummy.

I want to keep going with bringing him in DP says no because then we have to try to get him to sleep alone when he's older and he knowss how tired i am but i should keep going. Well i say bullshit doing it one night a week then getting to sleep in til 12pm does not mean you know what it's like i need sleep for my sanity especially when i go back to work so DP will have to like it or lump it. I do see his point about then having to get DS back on his own at some point but to me that seems like the lesser of the 2 problems.

AIBU?

OP, first off, my sympathies.

My DS 2 was like yours. He was like it for 18 months. I am going to tell you a horrible story about how I didn't do the co-sleeping as much as I should have done because of DH's objections.

One cold winter's night when DS 2 was about 8/9 months old, after months of broken nights, he woke me. For the ninth or tenth time that night. I sat down with him in the nursing chair (if you have one of those, burn it. Don't use it at length at night) and I shook him in my arms I was so mad.

Immediately he started laughing, like I was playing and jostling him. I stopped straight away, no harm done, before it got violent enough to cause harm. When he started laughing, I got the "What the fuck am I doing?" thing.

No harm done, but I knew how close I came. That was my darkest moment and I still remember it. I am very honest about it. DH doesn't like me to talk about it
as, understandably, it upsets him. It still upsets me thinking about it.

When things get near this point, it is safer to co-sleep OP. So if your DP won't pull his finger out at night time, co-sleep. It is tough shit. He cannot say "I won't/don't want to help at night, but you must do it my way and not co-sleep". Bollocks to that: when we we regress back to the 50's?

As for the "making a rod for your own back" crew, a 2 or three year old will be far more robust if you find you have to reaclimatise them to their own bed and you will have a clear head.

What do you do usually when he wakes up? Do you leave him to cry at all? Even for 5mins? Is he teething? Does he nap well during the day?

All of these things I think contribute to how well a baby sleeps at night.

I am not a fan of cosleeping and if your dp isn't keen I would look at alternatives.

Have you got a daytime/bedtime routine?

At this age my dd had a very set bedtime routine, was put into her cot sleepy but awake and left to self settle, if she cried I would pop back in 10 min intervals to reassure. If she then woke in the night I would leave for 5mins, offer water, change her nappy (she has always hated feeling wet!) if she still wouldn't settle I would assume her teeth were bothering her and give her some teething powder.

Obviously some nights were better than others but on the whole dd was and still is (age 6yo) a good sleeper.

Personally I can't stand co-sleeping but if it works for you and your ds and your dh isn't prepared to help with the nights then I'd say YANBU.

I'd try the cot next to you, when he's bigger he can always have a mattress on the floor.

BobblyGussets thank you so much for telling me that, i have to admit the thing thats made me give into co sleeping is havin the hurt to throw DS away on sat night actually chuck him at the wall. I am so ashamed it was a split second thing that flitted through my mind. I feel so guilty about it i didn't tell DP but have told him earlier when i explained i want DS in with me i think that swung it for him realising how bad i feel.

My (ex)P was totally against co sleeping, he insisted ds would sleep in his own coat etc. I was breast feeding and up every hour in the night, even when ds didn't need feeding P refused to get up and do anything at all. I was exhausted, resentful, and decided that I was co sleeping and that was that - if P had made any effort to help in the night then I may have taken his opinion into account. Co sleeping for me has been wonderful, ds is 16 months now and I love snuggling up with him, he is like a baby koala bear wrapping his little arms around me and giving me kisses. Babies grow so quickly, I wanted to enjoy every second of it not resent it and be desperate for it to end.

I agree with those that have made the point that if your husband refuses to get involved at all at night, then he doesn't get to call the shots. It's all very well being on your high horse when you are getting a full night's sleep! If he wants to make decisions about how little sleep you are getting, then he needs to get off his arse.

I thought that I would say YABU, but having read that he doesnt do a damn thing, I think that YANBU, and this is as a confirmed "everyone in their own beds" mother!

If he refuses to help, refuses to support your sleep training and leaves it all to you then he has no right to impose his wants on your sleep decisions. When he steps up and is prepared to get up in the night then, and only then, can he have his opinion taken into account.

He knows where the sofa is.

Oh, I am glad it helped OP. I was expecting a flaming for being a near murderous witch, but well, safety first eh?

This is not about what you prefer/fancy. Sometimes it is about coming through unscathed. It sounds like you are doing really well at explaining to your DP and getting him on board too, which is not easy when the lack of sleep has dulled the brain. Well done Lola.

has my daughter been on this thread yet? she loves 'rod for your own back' comments.

she says 'yes, here i am, the rod my mum made for her own back!' she is my joy, and my greatest blessing.

nothing, nothing you can do to meet the needs of your baby is making a rod for your back or anyone else's.

co-sleep -with all the necessary protections like not drinking alcohol, keeping the bed safe for the baby etc. meet your baby's needs.

First off poor you. I remember the sleepless nights and frankly it wa hell, so I totally understand where you're coming from. But I do think yabu to expect DP to have a restless baby in bed all night. I also think yabu to expect this of yourself!
What worked for me was controlled crying a la Gina Ford. I went from a baby not settling to a truly contented baby. She now asks me to go to bed! It's what worked for me and so many other mums I know. I would suggest a night or 2 more of co-sleeping to get your brain rested, get reading GF's book and start as you mean to go on. Whichever route you choose, I wish you a heartfelt good luck :)

Baby She tried CC and her DP complained about the baby disturbing him while he was sleeping!

OP, I was going to say YABU until I actually read the thread, your DP doesn't want to help to make his life easier and doesn't want to have the baby in the bed to make his life easier.

Where do you come into all of this? You have been and gone past breaking point, if this is the only way to fix it then so be it but be prepared for some major fall outs with your DP if he is really very against it.

I'm with Bobbly Gussets, do whatever the hell you need to do to get yourself and your ds safe. My ds was such an awful sleeper (broken nights plus waking really early for the day,) that even with a very supportive dh, I nearly came to an awful end A FEW times, because I was so exhausted. I nearly crashed the car once with the kids inside and I developed severe enough PND that I two half hearted attempts to take my own life. He's 22 mos now and a much better sleeper, but I'm still suffering the effects of the PND. I'm on meds and getting counselling which is helping, but it's a long old road.

I have no time for "d"h's who don't pull their weight with the kids. Even if he works full time and you're a sahm, parenting should be 50/50 when he's home, no ifs, ands or buts about it.

I wish you the best of luck OP. I sincerely hope you get a good nights rest tonight.

Hi op, no you are unreasonable as you are totally knackered.

I was like you and would have hurt my ds1 if I hadn't done controlled crying( it only works if you are at the end if your tether as I was).so please ignore posters who say it doesn't work as it does.

Just catching up on the thread -

Oh yes, look, those 'rod for your own back' comments are flying like confetti! Yawn.

I am BOGGLING at those posters who think that the OP making her husband sleep elsewhere for part of the night is going to be a deathknell for the relationship.

Because clearly having a wife who is 'constantly upset, angry, weepy', feels like she's going crazy and snaps at partner and son must be a source of marital delight and harmony. I mean, the constant sex must be AMAZING apart from anything else.

I hope things improve for you OP, and if co-sleeping helps you mend, then great.

Oh, and if you tried CC for 2 weeks, and it didn't work and you hated it -

You've given it a go. It didn't work, so you are sensibly trying something else. I think you have a very good idea of where you are and what you need.

I found controlled comforting worked with my pita difficult sleeper. She started crying, I would pick her up give her a cuddle, put her her back down and leave and then when she cried I would do the same again. After a while she realised that I wouldnt play, feed her or get her up, so she stopped waking.

But as I said above, if he wont do a bloody thing to help then he doesnt get to dictate how you deal with it.

would he prefer you crash the car because you are too tired to concentrate...

or get distracted and leave something on the cooker to catch fire as you are so tired?

make mistakes with ds's care and safety?

you do what you need to do to survive. if he does not like co-sleeping, he needs to share the load of getting up in the night at least twice a week and giving youlie ins/sleep time at the weekend to make up for night wakings. he also needs to take on more of the care of the house so you can catch up on sleep in the day. he can not have it all ways. you will be ill, then he will have to do everything.

the relationship is already suffering due to lack of sleep and resentment at being awake when you could have a solution will build up. ok so his resentment may build up co-sleeping but unless he can come up with an alternative to get you some more sleep then tough. it will be a lot tougher if you have an accident..

I'm with you, OP. Sleep is absolutely fundamental to everything. Some babies just DO sleep better in with someone else. Unless you dh is prepared to take on the nights, then it's your call.

I co-slept from the start with dc2, having had such a miserable time whilst trying not to co-sleep with dc1. Absolute best decision I made.

I don't buy the 'oh they'll have to sleep in their own beds at some point' argument tbh. Yes, of course they will. Either when they're ready or old enough to respond to bribery or the like . Babies learn to walk by themselves at some point, but no-one suggests that you don't carry them when they need it.

Good luck. Hope that ds carries on sleeping better and that you start feeling yourself again.

dd would wake in the night, she would co-sleep with us on top of the duvet so as not to get too hot. i got a lot more sleep that way... we had to put her in her own room at about 20 months as a new baby was on the way. (couldn't do that before as the roof leaked and we had to wait for the freeholder to fix it)
it took a while to withdraw gradually from her room. but by the time baby was here she was sleeping by herself and is now fantastic at getting to sleep and staying asleep all night despite people telling us she would neve sleep on her own and that we would have to do controlled crying at some point..

our dr was very focussed on needing to look after mum as well as baby. mums health is crucial. you dp is not taking that into account. you have to look after you too.

Either bring baby in to your bed all night or not at all. If you currently only bring baby in after 5am, then of course baby won't settle otherwise- he will want in with you. Babies can't tell the time and won't understand why sometimes when he cries he gets in with you, others not!

laqueen you say that it's important to consider the needs of the whole family, but its clear that the OP's husband isn't considering her needs at all.

I havent read the whole thread but your OP really struck a chord with me. My DD2 was exactly the same, by the time she was 9mo old she woke every 40 mins for a quick soothe or feed at night, I was beyond desperate with a DD who was 15 mo older to deal with as well so no daytime napping. I actually fell asleep driving the car when stopped at a red light, I feel so ashamed to admit that :(

I lost the plot completely after the car incident and told a, pretty much oblivious DH at this point, that I was going to bed and my EBF baby was his responsibility to bottle feed with BM & soothe through the night or else it was divorce courts. Amazingly enough after a night of howling from DD2 and DH, DD2 actually slept on the 2nd night for around 5 or 6 hours!

I do not recommend "mad woman losing it sleep training" but I do gently suggest trying my approach if all else fails...

huge unmumsnetty hugs, I've been there and it is awful X

should have added that i co-slept up until i put DH in charge... sometimes mum needs a break regardless of who is sleeping where