Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

to tell DP we are co-sleeping and if he doesn't like it he can sleep on the sofa (long)

201 replies

lola88 · 16/10/2012 13:51

I want to co-sleep with DS 8mo DP doesn't. I want to put my foot down and tell him i'm bringing DS in with us if he doesn't like it he knows where the sofa is. I know that makes me sound like a total bitch but i can asure you i'm not, i've never put my foot down and demanded anything before i'm usually a bit of a people pleaser.

BUT DS is driving me to the point where i feel i am losing my mind. He has never been a good sleeper and has got worse as he gets older i have tried EVERYTHING to get him to sleep he just won't. A good night is 2 wakings the record for worst night (not counting teething and illness) is 9. Now that he's 8 months he's started to get seperation anxiety from me and the wakings are getting to every 1-2 hours just wanting me. He's lovely but even in the day very high needs.

I have now got to the stage i'm so tired i'm constantly upset, angry, weepy, i'm so forgetfull it becoming a problem in day to day life, i'm a shit friend constantly cancelling things (or forgetting them) because i want to try to sleep, i snap and DS and DN to much, and can't be bothered to do anything. The house is decending into a hovel but i just can't be bothered doing anything but the basics. I'm turning into this crazy woman i don't even know.

The last 2 nights i've brought DS from his cot into our bed at 11ish and have slept so much better sunday night he woke twice and needed resettled 2/3 times but i could settle him before he properly woke stopping it turning into an hour trying to get him back down, last night for the first time in his life he only woke once slept soundly until 7! I feel like i'm coming back to being a human being again i've managed to clean the house and be a fun mummy.

I want to keep going with bringing him in DP says no because then we have to try to get him to sleep alone when he's older and he knowss how tired i am but i should keep going. Well i say bullshit doing it one night a week then getting to sleep in til 12pm does not mean you know what it's like i need sleep for my sanity especially when i go back to work so DP will have to like it or lump it. I do see his point about then having to get DS back on his own at some point but to me that seems like the lesser of the 2 problems.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Baaartimaeus · 16/10/2012 16:02

I also did not want to co-sleep but you do what you have to to survive (literally! )

It was interesting (in hindsight) that for several months DS slept really badly and it was when he was learning to crawl and walk (walked at 10months) so would spend the entire night rolling around. In his cot he hit the bars so woke up, but in our big bed he had more space so didn't wake up so much. I just made sure he couldn't fall out by building walls around our mattress with spare duvets.

There was even a couple of "aww" moments through the mist of tiredness when Ds would roll around the bed (whilst asleep) and end up cuddling against my ankles . meant I wouldn't move for fear of waking him though

oh and if you put a single bed in your DS' room make your DH sleep on it. You'l need more space for co-sleeping (if you have a roller like me)

GhostShip · 16/10/2012 16:03

She wants the kids in her bed - what is wrong with that? A lot of families co sleep until the kids decide they don't want to any more. If they are happy with it, then really, what's the problem

If my partner wanted our kids of ages 6 and 5 in bed with us everynight there would be a big problem.

Baaartimaeus · 16/10/2012 16:05

Ghost but what if both parents are happy with it?

Davsmum · 16/10/2012 16:05

Her husband isn't happy with it.
They don't get a good nights sleep. Her 6 year old is the size of a 10 year old.
4 of them in a double bed... not ideal.
Its all about her and what she wants - so sod her husband?

I doubt there are many men who really want that situation,.. they tolerate it because they have wives who cannot move on from their children being babies.

I am not against co-sleeping - but a woman who just ignores her partner and dictates what will happen when her kids are that big is selfish.

yousankmybattleship · 16/10/2012 16:06

I so sympathise and understand how crushing lack of sleep can be, but I'm afraid I agree with your DP. Remember it is his son and his bed too! Surely he gets some say in what goes on.

Baaartimaeus · 16/10/2012 16:08

Davsmum ok but it he's not happy then it's a problem they need to sort out between themselves.

No point in derailing an OP who would like to co-sleep temporarily in order to starve off collapsing from exhaustion!

And it is possible to co-sleep temporarily. We did. And at no point did DS try to come into our bed once he was put back in his cot. Because he'd gotten past the clingy stage and I had found new energy to get up to him in the night.

QuickLookBusy · 16/10/2012 16:08

Well Ghostship, it might be a problem to you, it isn't to other people. Every family is different.

As it happens I wouldn't want my 6 and 5 year old in bed with me, my DD went in a room with her sister at 2 and a half. However my Dsis had her dc in bed for a very long time, due to her DD1 dying during birth. Her DH was very happy with this as it happens. They liked co sleeping, they wanted to know they were ok during the night. I would never judge anyone for co sleeping. There are often very valid reasons.

TheBigJessie · 16/10/2012 16:11

This is the kind of tiredness that kills. If co-sleeping means sleep, co-sleep.

Sometimes, you must think about your needs now and not hypothetical problems in four years' time.

Davsmum · 16/10/2012 16:11

Baaartimaeus

So who derailed the OP ?
I said I don't blame her taking the baby in with her and that her husband needs to pull his finger out and help if he doesn't like it !!

Baaartimaeus · 16/10/2012 16:11

"Remember it is his son and his bed too! "

Right so the OP has to do everything her DH says? Even though she's the one getting up every single night? She's the one crying from exhaustion but she has to do what DH says because it's his bed?

Original poster

lola88 · 16/10/2012 16:13

A single bed in the babys room isn't much of an option our house is tiny the 'big room can fit a double bed and set of drawers the cot won't fit unless against the cupboard (we need that is only storage apart from drawers) and if we got a single bed in the other room we would have to get rid of DS brand new cotbed and drawers to fit it in. TBH we don't have the money to buy new things/get rid of things.

I've tried to just get on with it for months but it's effecting me to the point my mum and gran sat me down to ask if i thought i had PND, i'm not doing it out of selfishness i'm doing what i think is best for myself my son and DP in the long run. Having to come home to me either upset angry or just not interested in anything can not be fun for him. DP can be very closed to new ideas a lot of the time he often needs to see results before he will accept anything new. On the note i'm off to finish cleaning and stick some slap on before he comes home :)

OP posts:

GhostShip · 16/10/2012 16:14

Baaartimaeus then thats brilliant, but in the case we're talking about here they both aren't happy with it.

quicklookbusy yes but it is a problem, they're both not happy with it.

SusanneLinder · 16/10/2012 16:15

At first I was going to say that YABU, but now I see that your DH does nothing to help.Sorry but there are TWO parents in this household, so therefore two should share the sleeping issue.

Tell him to Man Up and grow a pair, and state its co-sleeping or he can get up during night.

Davsmum · 16/10/2012 16:16

I think your DP may need a good shake.

yousankmybattleship · 16/10/2012 16:17

Baaartimaeus, the OP asked for opinions. That is my opinion. I don't think she has the right to dictate what will happen if her husband is not happy with the situation. I think they have to reach some sort of compromise.

Climbingpenguin · 16/10/2012 16:17

OP do what you need to do. This separation anxiety stage can last a while, but they do start sorting themselves out.

DS couldn't co-sleep with me but now co-sleeps with DH and he brings him through for feeds. He still woke 2 hours for a few weeks with feeds at 3/4 hours but has had a few nights of going 6/7 hours and normally sleeping at least 3/4 hours by himself first.

If you want a independent baby you don't do it by forcing them, you give a secure attachment and let them learn you will be there.

Sometimes sleep training and even CC/CIO can be required, but it comes with a price and there is a right time for every baby. For some it might be 8 months for others 16 months.

DD was a every 2 hour feeder, she stopped.

GhostShip · 16/10/2012 16:18

On the note i'm off to finish cleaning and stick some slap on before he comes home

please tell me this is because you're going out for dinner, not because you need makeup on to great him?

SirBoobAlot · 16/10/2012 16:21

Finish cleaning and put make up on? Hope this is because you've got plans, not because he expects it from you.

Baaartimaeus · 16/10/2012 16:21

Sorry davsmum I felt that talking about older kids wasn't helpful as this is an OP about a baby going through a clingy stage and not sleeping. Might have mis-read.

I guess it's a subject close to my heart as I've been criticised quite a lot in RL about co-sleeping with DS (being told my poor husband etc. and what about when the children are older / rod for own back ) when we've found it helped me and DS is now back in his cot all night.

Original poster

lola88 · 16/10/2012 16:21

Ghostship it was a wee joke since i'm feeling human again

OP posts:

GhostShip · 16/10/2012 16:22

Oh sorry

Climbingpenguin · 16/10/2012 16:23

ps post in sleep or bf

Original poster

lola88 · 16/10/2012 16:26

I might smile at him tonight when he comes home if he's lucky :P

OP posts:

oohlaalaa · 16/10/2012 16:28

DH has already said that we are not co-sleeping, when our PFB arrives. I decided he was the one that had to be up at 6am for work, and he doesn't think he would sleep properly, out of concern he suffocates the baby. It fulls him with fear.

I think it needs to be a joint decision. Sorry.

MrsMuddyPuddles · 16/10/2012 16:30

definately smile as you offer him the choice of co sleeping or being the one to do all the nights, all the time from now on :)

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Swipe left for the next trending thread