Schools rewarding badly behaved children

[blondiemommy]

I am sick of DS's school rewarding the children who are frequently naughty, unruly in class and cause misery to the other children. Ds has been having bother with such a child at school, I have had to visit his teacher twice this term to explain how upset he has been. He was withdrawn from playtime for a week for hitting and punching my DS. First week back in the playgound and he is rewarded star of the week. It stinks! What about the children who are well behaved and try on a daily basis? I understand the school are trying to encourage good behaviour but I think it is demoralising for the others.

Have one of each - naughty and well behaved. Do we parent them differently, probably because one is always get negative feedback and one positive. They just came that way - one finds social life a trauma and the other just breezes along making friends easily.

Don't think the rewards help or really make a difference, there are so many awards that don't think they have any value, don't think the kids really aspire o them. And as soon as you don't get them think they lose interest.

Especially rife in primary and junior school. Shouldn't be sitting on their bottoms, should be running around, it's just an experiment in control !!

Not a good week, then, for the good kids who tried really hard but hate rounders?

Haha! Yes, this would have been absolute torture to me (was quiet bookish well-behaved child). Fortunately they didn't have things like golden time in my day. They just told you off if you were naughty and gave you stars on your work if you'd done it well.

surfingbabies - of course every child should be praised for good behaviour but it isn't essential for those who already know what good behaviour is. That is what Golden time is for anyway - as a reward for everybody. If you misbehave you lose time do the badly behaved miss out that way.

Children understand more than you seem to think with a little help from their parents. Even 5 year olds. They get, or at least mine got it at 5, that if you know how to behave you just get on with it. Those who don't know how to behave get need to be told when they are doing the right thing and therefore they get the rewards. There is no point in praising a child for something they do anyway and is just part of who they are. It just comes across as insincere. I still remember that from when I was a quiet, well behaved, child. I hated it then and I still hate it now. DS2 is the same as me. Extremely well behaved (role model to the other children as all his teachers have called him) but to tell him he was well behaved and give him a sticker for it would just leave him like this

DS1 couldn't give a stuff either way but that is the joy of AS. He can't be doing with stickers and rewards, he just doesn't want to get told off!

I know what you mean OP. Of course "naughty" children should get rewarded for their effort when they try to be good, but what grates is that consistently good children are always, completely, ignored when it comes to rewards.

How do I know my DC are well behaved? Their teachers say so at Parents Days. Also, if teachers come up to you at the end of the year to to tell you that your children are a pleasure to teach I think it's safe to assume that.

My dd1 told her teacher off when she was in year 1 because she hadn't had a single reward by christmas while there were other children who had been given 7 or 8. My shy and retiring child who would never say boo to a goose (because she was so incredibly, painfully shy that every single day at school was torture) shouted and stamped her feet at her teacher that it wasn't fair and she didn't understand what she could possibly do to get a reward. That day was the first and only time I have ever been called in to school to discuss her behaviour. That week was also the first time she was given any form of reward.

I absolutely agree with rewarding children who need that encouragement to behave 'well' and I do it a lot myself at work. What teachers and schools need to be aware of is making sure the quiet children don't get lost.

We moved schools for dd1 not long after that incident of shouting at her teacher. Her new school gave her a star every time she joined in with a louder activity, tried hard at a game in PE (she has rather poor coordination), asked a question, etc. She was so much happier at that school because she could understand that everybody was being rewarded for the effort they put into things they found difficult. She has never looked back, and now at 13 it is difficult to remember that this happy and confident young lady was once a shy child who was convinced that everything she tried must be falling short.

YANBU

Rounders would have been a punishment for me too. I can't remember any worse humiliation or anything I've ever been worse at, I am feeling a bit sick just thinking about it.

When I'm in charge of the world, rounders will be banned :)

I think shy children should be rewarded for any little input they put into the classroom.

putting thire hands up to answer a question is a very brave thing for a shy child to do, and imo they should be encouraged to do this and rewarded

I eagerly await no more rounders. Thank you in advance.

YANBU but if he has done well in class of ourselves he should be rewarded and if he is naughty punished. If he continually is nasty to your ds it is bullying and needs to be dealt with in a more serious way

My DD1 has always found expected behavior easy - DS has not and it has require real effort on his part.

For that effort to be ignored and for him to see others rewarded who didn't make the same effort was hard for him and demoralising and diffcult to get a 4/5 year old to understand. There was lots of but I'm really trying to - which was obvious to me and his previous nursury teachers and at least one TA but never acknowledged by that teacher.

I think DD1 was bit none plused to be rewarded for behavior and attitude that was as natural as breathing - though like any DC liked the praise. I think if DS had expeienced the same praise we'd have had no issues at all with him as he'd have kept on trying.

Having said that DD1 and now DD2 have been praised for good manners and helping others, which are we a bit about seeing this as basic requirement, but I've seen DS display the exact same behaviours and even when obviously observed never praised.

I don't know if its a boy girl expectation thing or if DS wears a cloak of invisblity.

DD explained at length to me how it was much harder for some children to behave and that is why X gets rewarded for not refusing to participate. If dd ever refused to partipate she would be punished by the school.

I was a bit but she seems fine with it most of the time. I think DS might find it trickier to accept.

I'm voting for Ephiny, too. Can you get rid of netball as well, while you're at it? Oh, and lacrosse.

BigBoobiedBertha I said to my DP I wasn't going to post on this thread anymore but I can't help myself........my DD understands why the naughty children get rewards and she understands why the good children don't, she understands what golden time is but she doesn't get why a naughty child gets tokens to buy something from the school shop for being good at playtime all week but not doing their homework and for being naughty in class when she is good at playtime, in class, does all her homework and spends every night practising her spelling just so she can earn tokens. Like I said in a previous comment, she has been wanting that pen for so long and has been working so hard to earn her tokens yet the naughty girl gets the pen for what my DD sees as behaviour that my DD has shown yet she gets nothing! As an adult I understand how it works but I can also see why my DD thinks its unfair!!
If I'm honest I think the whole thread has been blown up into a row, my comments were basically saying I and most adults understand but children don't and I can see why! It doesn't make them less educated, it just makes them children as children don't care about why a child behaves bad to them it's just naughty and they can see that child being rewarded. My DD knows that the naughty girl in class doesn't have a great home life and she needs praise at school because she lacks it at home etc but I really don't think she cares and why should she, she's a child who as far as I'm concerned works really hard and deserves a bit of praise herself which she gets at home and I buy them all treats for doing well but I can see her not bothering in future with school as their not bothering with her!
I'm not knocking the naughty children, my DP nephew is one but I don't think they should get praise for behaviour that every child should show........we didn't when I was at school and the children weren't half as naughty as they are now. Makes you wonder if a lot of other children misbehave just to get rewards/praise because I know I would have done when I was at primary school, I wouldn't have cared it child X had a bad upbringing because if I'm honest I'd probably wouldn't have really understood what a bad upbringing was as I'd never experienced it and I'm sure my DC and a lot of other children think the same!!

It is harder for some children to behave than others.

Hopefully your child has had a solid night's sleep, a good breakfast, and at least one stable parent.

Hopefully when they were a baby they were exposed to gentle touch, eye contact and talking.

Hopefully they know that when they come home after school the people or person that they care about the most will be there, in one piece, ready to support them.

This post shows that you are emotionally available to your child, which is amazing, lucky them. Lots of children aren't so lucky. When I see a child who has been emotionally neglected trying their level best, even for one week, to show the good and kind behavior that they have never experienced at home then yes, I do think that that deserves a reward.

Learning about different people and different experiences is all part of growing up, and if you model empathy and understanding to your child then they will quickly grow to empathise with others too. That's a wonderful trait.

Caveat: of course teachers should reward those children who are always doing the right thing too, and I'm sure that most of us do.

It's a valuable lesson for your child, OP.

In the world of woolly-liberal schooling, being good and trying hard will get you nowhere in the short-term.

surfingbabies - dd1 is painfully shy, and struggled with being picked on, she got certificates for being brave, and for being caring. But, yes she understands that the girl that picked on her, got certificates for the times when she played nicely, or sat still in class, because we have talked a lot about how things can be more difficult for children for all sorts of reasons - sn, difficulties at home etc. She goes to a school counselling group (the girl who picked on her goes too) and they talk about a lot of this sort of stuff there too.

Dd2 has never had a certificate, and doesn't really care whether she gets one or not, she loves it when her table or her house get a mention in assembly or win lots of house points, and she understands that just because xxxx is naughty sometimes, or mean sometimes, it doesn't mean he is a horrible person.

Ds doesn't go to school yet, but he goes to a sn nursery, he has an undiagnosed genetic condition, and I am preparing that there maybe problems in his future with behaviour due to his lack of speech, and his self injurious behaviour (hitting self, banging head etc).

This is a difficult discussion to have, because all our children go to different schools with different systems in place!

My ds has ASD and finds it really hard to get through a day without getting into a squabble with another child (usually ds's fault).

But he responds SO well to rewards and praise, so ends up getting quite a lot.

"In the world of woolly-liberal schooling, being good and trying hard will get you nowhere in the short-term."

What bollocks. My other child is hard-working and well behaved and gets lots of praise and rewards.

All children need to be encouraged to do their best. For some children 'best' is not going to be as good as other children, in relationship to behaviour and school work. Doesn't mean they haven't tried really hard.

Netball, lacrosse, hockey (oh definitely hockey, what kind of sadistic brutal thing is that?), all gone. We might have to keep cross-country slow walking with a sneaky fag behind the hedge running for appearance's sake though.

Maybe I should start another thread for school sports survivors...

In the world of woolly-liberal schooling, being good and trying hard will get you nowhere in the short-term

....except becoming a good person who tries hard, which is quite a nice thing to be.

tiggytape well said! Couldn't have put it better myself, no one can argue with that

Children know very early on that the behaviour that gets them rewards isn't necessarily the best behaviour. They also see it as unfair very quickly.

I have had the conversation with my children about why some children seem to get rewarded (in their eyes) more than others. I explained that for some children behaving well for 5 minutes at a time was a very big thing that needed to be encouraged and thats why they got rewarded. It took a while though before they completely understood it and stopped feeling that they were being overlooked.

I don't think people hate children getting rewarded, just that if the child doesn't understand it, or feels they are being ignored, thats quite hard for a parent to see. None of us like to see our own children upset whatever the reasons for it.

Maybe a fairer system where the children understand it better would work although I am not sure what that could be. Or perhaps some lessons around children (generic) who find it hard to behave and the consequences of that for the whole class?

What hermione said

That's what I tell my kids when they complain about it. And they do notice.

My kids are the 'just a minute' squeezed middle.Neither naughty nor G and T.They join in play nicely and get on with their work.What do they get? Fuck all.No praise.No stickers and no 'treats'.Pisses me off.