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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Schools rewarding badly behaved children

236 replies

blondiemommy · 15/10/2012 14:07

I am sick of DS's school rewarding the children who are frequently naughty, unruly in class and cause misery to the other children. Ds has been having bother with such a child at school, I have had to visit his teacher twice this term to explain how upset he has been. He was withdrawn from playtime for a week for hitting and punching my DS. First week back in the playgound and he is rewarded star of the week. It stinks! What about the children who are well behaved and try on a daily basis? I understand the school are trying to encourage good behaviour but I think it is demoralising for the others.

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 15/10/2012 17:18

whatthewhathtebleep - my thoughts exactly, I could have written that post and mine is academically gifted. I am so grateful for a school that will punish but reward equally as quickly as without them where else would he be? Its other parents unkindness and refusal to accept that these kids NEED the extra good comments just to survive that really gets my goat.

CockBollocks · 15/10/2012 17:20

Ouch, are you really talking about 5 year olds here?

Threads like these are exactly why my DS has had a horrific first few years at school.

Surely after being punished the slate should be wiped clean - or do you think a forever punishment is more suitable.

Vagaceratops · 15/10/2012 17:24

Maybe now is the time to teach your well behaved children about tolerance OP.

catwomanlikesmeatballs · 15/10/2012 17:38

yanbu, rewarding bad behaviour only encourages it, it's not fair on the other children to have to tolerate that nonsense either. They wonder why the hell they should bother behaving when they could get lots of positive attention for disrupting the class or bullying others. Funny how every year the number of kids who 'can't' control their behaviour increases every year. Huge coincidence that...

socharlotte · 15/10/2012 17:40

The OP should teach her child to be tolerant of being punched in the face should she?

OwlLady · 15/10/2012 17:54

The child in question was punished.
He is 5.
The behaviour that was rewarded was food behaviour.

Come on ladies, it's not some alien concept being discussed here

OwlLady · 15/10/2012 17:55

snort at food behaviour, touch typing has never been my strong point

tiggytape · 15/10/2012 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BigBoobiedBertha · 15/10/2012 18:08

Bad behaviour shouldn't be tolerated but once the punishment is over, its over. You can't or shouldn't hold a grudge against a child, especially a 5 year old like some of you seem to be suggesting. Apart from anything else they will forget what they did wrong in the first place and the punishment will have been for nothing. Any on going punishment will be lost on them.

Whilst I am all for punishing wrong doing, I think some of you need to grow up a bit and learn to draw a line under something once the punishment has been dealt. If nothing else consider how you would feel if your angelic little darlings put a foot wrong and they are never allowed to forget it. All children do something wrong sometimes. Do you never praise them at home on the basis they did something wrong last week or last month or last year?

If you want a child to behave well you have to let them know what good behaviour is and the way to do that is to tell them. If it takes being Star of the Week then so be it. Hopefully, and it may be very gradual, they realise where the line is. It can take a time but if you are consistent with the punishment and reward they will get in the end.

CassandraApprentice · 15/10/2012 18:22

Ds last year was quiet and very well behaved and completely ignored.

End of year he started misbehaviour in response to another DC picking on him. He'd done what we'd told him to do - told an appropriate adult - and they didn't want to know - what he said and what we experienced when we went in.

Lashing out got him noticed and made the other Dc back off and his good behavior subsqently led to rewards. Then I had TA telling us it was our home parenting causing the issues and it was on us to sort out completely ignoring his previous excellent bahavior and his behavior at home being fine.

A more experience teacher and he is back to his old self but he'd clearly paid attention the previous year and figured out how to work the system and home punishments couldn't compete.

YANBU - it does affect all the other DC seeing poor behavior being rewarded.

BonVoyageCharlieBrown · 15/10/2012 18:23

Agree with everything Tiggytape has just written. People on here are NOT saying that the children should not get rewards for being good.

It is acknowledging the fact that just because a child is quiet and shy and behaving, doesn't mean that they do not need rewards and encouragement too.

My dd doesn't understand why she doesn't get the stickers and certificates. She thinks its because she is stupid. No matter how much I tell her thats not the case. How is that ok for her confidence?

I just think that these reward schemes need to be done in a fair way. Making sure children aren't overlooked just because they are being quiet.

EverybodysSpookyEyed · 15/10/2012 18:44

I agree that this isn't about bad kids and good kids. It is very rare that ds tells me about an incident at school and I think the child was naughty. Its usually more cheekiness or not understanding boundaries. This is part of the learning experience.

I don't care what other children have in place to encourage good behaviour as it should be tailored to their needs.

I just think that using the same reward system but having different criteria for different children can be confusing and demoralising for some

Beamur · 15/10/2012 18:48

I've noticed this recently at my DD's school - rewards seem to go to the children who the teachers want to influence to behave in a certain way and the high fliers. Well behaved but unspectacular children (like mine) seem to be being ignored - my DD is only 5 and has noticed that however good she is, no-one seems to be noticing.
I will be asking the teacher at open evening about this. I'm not too impressed!

surfingbabies · 15/10/2012 18:52

I am with you on this one.......my daughter came home last week and said from now on she's going to be naughty so that when she's good she'll get a reward from the teacher.......when I suggested this wasn't a good idea, she said why? being good doesn't get you anything!!! I did answer but I did find it hard to explain as I actually think she's right

Ireallyloveautumn · 15/10/2012 18:53

How else can you encourage good behaviour though without a positive reinforcement when they have been? That child has to understand that when they're good they get rewarded, and as long as the punishment when they are misbehaving is as balanced then surely its the best way to teach them?

How else can a school teach them how to behave

Beamur · 15/10/2012 18:54

I've nothing against rewards for good behaviour and can see the logic to this totally - but it is demotivating for those children whose behaviour is good to start with when they are not being recognised equally for it.

Ireallyloveautumn · 15/10/2012 18:55

surfingbabies surely you discuss with your daughter that the only reason they get rewarded is because that child struggles normally and is consistently in trouble, going to head etc, therefore when they are well behaved the teacher HAS to encourage them to continue on that path.

surfingbabies · 15/10/2012 19:02

BigBoobiedBertha if the op's school is anything like ours then I think what she was saying is they get punished for their bad behaviour but then they also get rewarded for their good behaviour but the children who are always good don't get anything!! Forgive me if I'm wrong........this is how it works in our school and I think it's fair to punish for bad behaviour but I also think every child should get praised for their good behaviour.....that way it's fair!

BonVoyageCharlieBrown · 15/10/2012 19:03

perhaps the quiet ones are struggling too but in a different way. Just because they are quiet doesn't mean they don't need positive reinforcement

eBook · 15/10/2012 19:04

blondiemommy maybe they're ensuring they all have a turn at being "star of the week"?

Woozley · 15/10/2012 19:04

Surely golden time and house points are good ways used by most schools to reward the averagely well behaved child.

tiggytape · 15/10/2012 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beamur · 15/10/2012 19:07

That's it tiggytape.

Theas18 · 15/10/2012 19:08

Takes me back almost exactly 15 yrs.

4 yr old dd1 stormed our of school under a cartoon black cloud pretty much and yelled "x got a sweetie for not hitting. I don't hit no one not never and I never got one any day"

Even her grip on the English language had deserted her she was so cross!

We ended up rewarding good behaviour our selves with little treats after school every now and again-magazines etc

I can understand the poster who said expect good behaviour, punish bad.that doesn't work though apparently and rewards do.

surfingbabies · 15/10/2012 19:12

Ireallyloveautumn yes I do explain to my DD in ways she would understand but it's very hard for a child to understand that if someone is naughty they get punished but if their as good as everyone else they get praised but the ones who are good all the time don't! I as an adult completely understand why the school does this but my DD and my DS don't, my DS is far too laid back to say anything but my DD gets really upset by it as every child loves praise! The naughtiest girl in her class got a "token" for the school shop the other day so she bought a pen with it........my daughter has been practising her spellings so hard so she could collect enough tokens to buy this pen and she was in tears that night because all the naughty girl had to do was be good at play times all week, but my DD said "Mummy I'm good at playtimes all week and I do all my homework to earn my tokens, said girl does no homework and is naughty in lessons but because she's good at play she got enough tokens to buy the pen...why can't I get tokens for being good at playtime?" what do I say to that??!!! I told her to ask the teacher as I'm getting fed up of trying to justify the system to her

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