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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To of phoned the school and asked them to withdraw this?

141 replies

quoteunquote · 15/10/2012 12:21

The year 7 have been set homework to share in class,

What makes you frightened and why?
When did this fear start?

I know that amongst DS's friends there are children with serious medical situations going on, children with parents with terminal illness, children with dead siblings, children with a dead parent, children that have suffered serious sexual abuse, children in care, a child who's older sibling has had recently very nearly successful suicide attempts, and children with parents who have mental illness, and children who are facing homelessness.

I feel that this is a situation where, "Can opened and worms all over the place." will sum up the situation nicely,

I don't feel that children sharing these kind issues with their peers is going to do either side much good, even the children sharing normal fears are going to be laid open to teasing.

I know that the children that are receiving counselling and support are having that structured very carefully, none of the people proving those services have been contacted to advice on this.

So my first AIBU, strapping hat on.

is a link to the thread I started last night, asking this question in chat, without the reason why, I did so as I wanted to see what responses to such a question would be, because I have now have phoned the school to express concern, I thought I would ask for the MN views while I wait for someone to phone me back.

OP posts:
Yellowtip · 15/10/2012 13:00

No Worra it seems a spectacularly unfortunate class.

OP YABU.

MaureenCognito · 15/10/2012 13:02

yy i stopped looking a s1s in Y9 and that was a major fail - all went wrong then

Original poster
quoteunquote · 15/10/2012 13:03

do you not trust the teacher?

We(concerned parents, carers and support givers) have never met the teacher(the children have only been in school since September), we haven't had parents teacher meetings yet,

We haven't seen any counselling qualifications, or know if this person is trained to deal with specialist situations, with several of the situations, there are weekly meeting to look at how the support is structured, we haven't seen this teacher at those meeting, nor has there been any requests for advice, I'm not sure how they intend to deal with the confidentiality aspect.

It certainly is not the way that anyone with training would approach dealing with fear.

I think for lucky children that haven't got any issues going on, it an interesting question, but for those with serious situations, it a very poorly handled mine field.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 15/10/2012 13:04

At the very least I think the homework should encourage the children to discuss the homework with a parent or guardian first.

so we can encourage them to lie as that seems to be the expected approach!

Yellowtip · 15/10/2012 13:06

Alternatively it may be an excellent way of flushing out problems, in an oblique way. That's no doubt not the motive, but it could be an incidental positive.

Woozley · 15/10/2012 13:07

At that age though I definitely wouldn't have been honest with my peers about real fears - the dark, ghosts etc, for fear of teasing, so not sure how useful the exercise would be.

Yellowtip · 15/10/2012 13:08

In fact since you've just highlighted the fact that the kids have only been in school a few weeks, how on earth do you know so many personal details about so many kids. It's breathtaking tbh. What is your profession OP?

Kewcumber · 15/10/2012 13:09

yellowtip - half our year 6 pupils go to the same secondary. We know each other quite well by then - its not that uncommon surely?

MaureenCognito · 15/10/2012 13:09

nosy parker and rabblerousing ringleader? ( i am KIDDING)

Kewcumber · 15/10/2012 13:11

OP already addressed that

"How do you know so much about your DS's peers and their families?

I do a lot of support work with children in difficult situations,

I know a lot of the children's families as friends, and we are a rural community, so confidentiality is key, when certain situations arise."

WorraLiberty · 15/10/2012 13:14

Rural community or not that is still a breathtaking amount of children to have so many serious problems in one class.

And the OP uses children as in plural so there's more than one child with a dead parent/sibling/parent with mental illness/suffered sexual abuse etc etc...

JoInScotland · 15/10/2012 13:15

If there is scope for the children to choose the topic, that's a good start, but perhaps the teacher really hasn't thought through the issues that might arise? We were made to talk about our family tree when I was in school - I had a word with the teacher about how uncomfortable it would make me feel - and I still had to do the project. All the other children had one brother or sister, a lovely married couple of parents and a dog in a leafy neighbourhood. You get the idea. My mother had been married 3 times, my father 6, and I had to make an enormous chart to explain all 10 of my siblings (including the one who had died). I hated it.

Yellowtip · 15/10/2012 13:16

Brilliant. Great way to keep all these kids' problems confidential then, post them on MN Hmm. I personally would have some doubts about whether or not you're in the right job OP.

Original poster
quoteunquote · 15/10/2012 13:17

Yellowtip I covered that up thread,

but as a lot came from the same village primary school, and the other feeder schools are close by,I know a lot of the families, I also do support work for children with issues.

I included as many examples of some of the things that are going on in these children lives so I could give a clear picture,

The question has been set to the entire year, quite a few classes.

Those who have experience of children who have less than perfect situations going on seem to understand why concerns are being raised.

I'm starting to think no one has a real fear of spiders it's just the thing to say to cover up more serious fears.

OP posts:
OhDeerHauntingFENTON · 15/10/2012 13:17

I am not in the position the OP is in with regards to confidential information, but I happen to know that in DS1's class of 30 there are children affected by 6 of those 9 scenarios the OP has listed, so I'm not that staggered by it either, sadly.

Kewcumber · 15/10/2012 13:18

maybe OP is making it all up (or exaggerating)

but this is exactly the kind of homework I may well have/have had a problem with.

Many teachers don't think through the non-standard situations.

And I'm sooo hoping the discussion isn't going to focus on how religion is the answer to your fears Hmm

Original poster
quoteunquote · 15/10/2012 13:19

sorry yellowtip missed your post, I doubt anyone will know who I am talking about?

unless you think Quoteunquote is my real name.

OP posts:
Loobylou222 · 15/10/2012 13:20

Not sure how I feel about this one, I think it's insensitive of the teacher to set this as a group homework, If it was Individual homework it would be a good opportunity for the children to open up of they wanted too.

My other half had a pretty rough childhood and, although te situation is different and he was a lot younger, he saw a councillor was asked questions and to draw pics of how he felt and lied, pretended everything was ok, as he was scared of gettin into trouble at home. He certainly wouldn't of told his class what was going on, he was bullied and was scared it would get worse of everyone knew.

I do think teachers should try and, probe if u like, into what's going on at home if they think there is something wrong.

Kewcumber · 15/10/2012 13:21

Oh god I live in fear of family trees! And "chart your family members eye colours" to illustrate genetics.

AlwaysInWonder · 15/10/2012 13:21

Agree with Kew. No one is expecting them to tell the truth, especially if it is so personal.
They are certainly being taught that there are certain things you should not be sharing or rather that aren't safe for sharing (either because they will make the choice not to say so, will be 'guided' by their parents/carers or will be learning it the hard way...).
Which means that things such as abuse in the family is something that you have to hide, not the best message to give to the victim really.
And not the best message to teaching to children, esp in RE...

Pagwatch · 15/10/2012 13:22

"Those who have experience of children who have less than perfect situations going on seem to understand why concerns are being raised"

I am not sure if I am being picky here but it is starting to irritate me that you seem to be determined that anyone who disagrees with you simply doesn't understand and has only experience of 'perfect' childhoods. Which s not true fr me, nor fr my children.
Am I misunderstanding your tone?

Sokmonsta · 15/10/2012 13:22

I think it's likely that the homework was set as a discussion about how emotions, particularly fear, shape belief. It's basic but many classic philosophers attribute religious emotion to the universal phenomenon of fear. There was possibly no more thought than that which went into it. The teacher does not yet know their class. Although I assume they would be been briefed of any significant issues which may cause concerns within the learning environment. I would ask for the context in which the homework was set. As without that, it would be difficult to know whether it would be inappropriate for that class or generally, and to guide an 11 year old towards writing something suitable to be shared.

MaureenCognito · 15/10/2012 13:23

my sons school in science weighed and measured all the kids - can you IMAGINE?! i was gasping

Kewcumber · 15/10/2012 13:25

"Although I assume they would be been briefed of any significant issues which may cause concerns" - I've never come across a teacher who had more than a sketchy knowledge of DS's adoption or his issues which arise from it. I meet the teacher every year (so far) to talk to them about it and they've never been briefed.

I can't imagine I'll still be briefing teachers when he goes to secondary school!

LonelyCloud · 15/10/2012 13:27

YANBU.

I'm fairly sure that most 11 yr olds who have those sorts of issues will just say spiders / heights and the like... but... it's all too easy to imagine an overly literal and obedient child taking the homework far too seriously and telling the class all about these serious personal issues.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask the school how they're planning on handling it if a child does say, for instance, "My brother died, and I'm scared that my sister is going to die too."