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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit narked about this party

149 replies

StrangeGlue · 15/10/2012 12:17

oh my first AIBU....eek!

My friend and her sister are having a join 35th party. It's a train journey away (£72) and obviously I'll get her a present.

The invite has arrived and I have to take my own food and drink!

They both work and they're having the party in their well-off parents back garden (so no venue hire costs) so am I being unreasonable to think they could be supplying at least the food if not also the drink?

OP posts:
Error404 · 15/10/2012 20:43

Thanks for clearing that up, was bothering me Grin Though I'd argue it wasn't a joint 35th if it's a month before her 36th. Still, any excuse for a party I suppose.

Now that's out the way I can concentrate on your problem - I'm another one saying don't bother with the party, organise a visit another time.

solidgoldbrass · 15/10/2012 20:55

I think, given the time of year, that they've spent their money on fireworks and it's going to be a firework party.

Happylander · 15/10/2012 21:09

I have had quite a few parties where I have asked people to bring drink and nibbles if they want some but I do state I am skint though. My friends could not give a toss though as they come to spend time and have fun with me and don't let stuff like that bother them in fact on about 3 occasions they have come round and cooked dinner for about 12 people and bought me booze!

For my 40th I can't afford a party so according to a lot of people on here I shouldn't celebrate it because I can't feed lots of people???? How awful to think you wouldn't share someone's birthday because they could not feed you and supply you and their friends with booze all night. Clearly a lot of you haven't been skint. If you resent taking food just don't take any and if you resent paying for your own booze don't drink.

Personally I would rather join in friends celebrations than refuse on the grounds they can't feed me because at teh end of the day they are my friends. There may come a point in your life when you want to celebrate with people about something important to you and you don't have the cash to feed them and supply them with booze but according to these comments you should just sit in on your own. How miserable would that be.

whois · 15/10/2012 21:12

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro and bogeyface English hospitality is not as generous as other cultures (thinking Irish and Eastern European particularly) English love a pay bar at a wedding for example.

Anyway, you don't get rich by spending your money eh? Went to a party a few years ago. Well off family. Think £150k plus ooop north. And there was a bloody pay bar, at his house, staffed by his teenage kids. All rather embarrassing as most people had taken a bottle and no money! You were practically frisked at the door for your booze.

Iodine · 15/10/2012 21:20

As a teenager I went to a party in October where the host forgot to mention to people that his mum was a loon and wouldn't let people into the house, even to use the toilet. They had set up a camping toilet in the garden next to where everyone was sat. Needless to say, having not been warned it was outside and not dressed for it, people made their excuses quickly and left.

Bogeyface · 15/10/2012 21:20

Happy I dont expect to be fed at every party. But equally, I dont expect to be invited to a party where the host has paid out nothing on hosting! If you want a party with food, then pay for food, dont make bringing a dish a condition of the invitation. If you want a party with booze then buy some booze, people will always bring a bottle anyway, you dont have to spell it out.

I am of course exluding "potluck" suppers etc.

Bogeyface · 15/10/2012 21:25

Whois the English dont love a paid bar. In most cases, as in my wedding, a free bar is totally beyond the pocket. Even if we only had 10 people, the bar bill would have been far more than we could have afforded. My family is irish and we all had pay bars at our weddings, purely because of cost.

I would never have a pay bar at a place that wasnt a club, function room or restaurant and I dont know anyone else who would. It is true though that often those with the most money spend the least.

aldiwhore · 15/10/2012 21:29

Meh. There's no rule to parties. The party thrower decides, the invitee gets to choose whether to go or not.

There should be some rules though, and the first is 'nibbles and the first drink'.

When they say food what do they mean? Do they want you to turn up with a take out? Or a plate of food 'to share'? Or something to stick on a BBQ? I don't like the evasive nature of the invite so for that ALONE YANBU.

We often have 'parties' (read: gatherings) where we request that people bring their own food and drink, but these are non-special occassions, and we're very specific. In fact, too specific sometimes... I know one friends makes a great low fat pasta salad, so she has to bring that or be barred.

I don't have any issue with the 'bring your own drink' because really, everyone should take ONE bottle of something anyway.

pigletmania · 15/10/2012 21:39

What utter tightwads not much of a party tbh

Original poster
StrangeGlue · 15/10/2012 21:40

But happy they are by no stretch of the imagination skint. That would be a bit different.

OP posts:
curmit · 15/10/2012 21:47

We'd like to have a party at our house, you're invited! (Please bring a party with you).

cerealqueen · 15/10/2012 22:05

Tight or what!!!!

How do they expect you to travel so far with a dish of food? Just turn up with an empty plate and say it was such a long way to come you got peckish on the way.

expatinscotland · 16/10/2012 12:22

Why are you bothering to go? They sound like tight arses. Just arrange to see your friend in a more comfortable location than a back garden in November.

RuleBritannia · 16/10/2012 12:39

I've read these messages and I can't believe that all that's being provided is a garden in which to meet. It would be too cold to hold a glass safely and my fingers would be unable to hold a sandwich. I couldn't eat with gloves on either.

I wouldn't go, OP. For all we know, other invitees have the same opinion and there will be very few people in attendance there.

Laquitar · 16/10/2012 12:51

I find it more weird that they have a 'joint 35th birthday' when their birthday is 11 months apart!! One of them must be 34 or 36, no? Weird. Why do they need a joint party?

Unless there is something else going on and there is a big surprise?

I really hope that you go OP because i'm dying to hear how will the party go. From my warm comfortable sofa.

Jusfloatingby · 16/10/2012 12:57

A 35th isn't exactly a landmark birthday so I wouldn't feel particularly bad about missing it in any event.

Lovecat · 16/10/2012 13:05

I too am a bit Hmm that 35 is a 'thing', although I remember my SIL bitching about no-one offering to take her out for dinner on her 35th as "you're only 35 once, after all" - given you could say that about any birthday, I didn't follow her reasoning. And got given the evils for pointing it out...

Laquitar · 16/10/2012 13:19

I think it depends what year you have had. If you feel that your 35th or 41 or 28 is important because you had a rough year and came out of it then why not?
But it is not 'their' 35th (i insist on this point Grin)

mameulah · 16/10/2012 14:44

And also, I don't think that my celebration should infringe on the daily runnings and reality of everyone else's normal life. If someone is happy to share their time with you then I really believe that is the most important thing of all. AND, if you have good friends then they will find their own way of being generous and acknowledging the moment you are in.

When we got married we invited 27 people because we knew we could afford to cater and provide for them. We also said 'no gifts'. Practically everyone brought a gift and hopefully everyone had a great time because everything was on offer free flow throughout the day. We figured they would have already spend more than enough new outfits, days off work, hotel accomodation and petrol etc.

A few years ago I spent nearly £1000 attending a friends wedding at the other end of the country. It was a lovely day but I am NEVER getting sucked into doing that again.

ps And I know this is not the topic of this thread but I cannot even describe how rude I find 'wedding lists!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

Jusfloatingby · 16/10/2012 15:04

I agree with mameulah. Its nice to celebrate important occasions with friends and family, but some people treat said friends and family with a huge lack of consideration when they are planning an event and expect them to fall in with what makes them happy regardless of any inconvenience eg couples getting married in picturesque out of the way locations that involve long journeys, expensive overnight stays and extra time off work for their guests or brides holding hen 'weekends' in European cities or spanish resorts that again involve huge amounts of money, time off work and overnight babysitters. That's fine if you're prepared to accept that a lot of people will turn down your invite, but not fine if you're going to get into a huff when some of your friends decline to take part in the occasion because they just can't afford it either financially or time wise.

kerstina · 16/10/2012 17:10

As others have said it sounds like they might be buying fireworks. Early November and outdoor would be a bit of a let down without them.
Just text your friend say you will not be bringing food because of the distance you are traveling. A bottle would be fine.
Studenty sounds fun to me Smile

SusanneLinder · 16/10/2012 17:26

I Usually have a big Halloween party every year. I ALWAYS do food, do a punch(lethal :o) and supply wine and beer and some mixers.If anyone wants anything else, then they can bring it.I wouldnt dream of asking guests to bring their own drink.

We do have an outside area for the smokers, but we have heaters.

theodorakis · 16/10/2012 17:54

My life has changed beyond all measure since I stopped going to things I don't want to go to. I don't even lie, I just say tat I can't justify the fare or my weekends are so precious because we don't spend enough time together during the week. If it was me I wouldn't go but would spend the 70quid on having a fab weekend. I missed a baby shower (my nemesis) last month and spent the fifty quid on a massage. My excuse was that I am not comfortable in big ladies only groups.

theodorakis · 16/10/2012 17:55

I forbid you to go. Sounds bloody awful.

Original poster
StrangeGlue · 16/10/2012 18:06

I don't think I'm going to go to be honest. I was going to suck it up when I thought I was being unreasonable but now so.many of you agree with me I think I'll make my excuses.

Some of you have suggested they'll be fireworks - I'd be very very surprised if there are.

OP posts:
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