To ask the MN jury to help me and DP solve an argument? (warning trivial)

[woopdiedoo]

DP came home from work and spotted a sweet wrapper left on the floor. It had been there since yesterday but I had forgotten to throw it away and hadn't been in that room today so didn't see it.

There is a rule that there is no eating in that room (his rule) but I sometimes let the DCs eat sweets, crisps in there.

We have just had a blazing row about it because he just left it there and told me to pick it up as I let the DCs eat in there and I'm at home all day anyway (SAHM with toddler) so should have dealt with it. I thought that he should because he'd seen it and even though I am a SAHM does not mean that I should do ALL housework and he should do none at all and I do not like being ordered to pick up rubbish as I am not a litter warden.

Who is being unreasonable?

Yup Im worried now too :(

Sorry... only got this far:

HecateLarpo....

If my husband did that, he'd have that sweet wrapper rammed so far up his arse his dentist would think it was a filling.

hahahah asolutely priceless

Hi all. I am quite touched that anybody thought to worry about me. I'm fine, I had to go out, PTFA meeting.

The reason I/we posted was because he knows I go on here, we were having a huge row and he asked me to ask your opinions. I think he genuinely thought you would side with him.

I've just hit home and logged in. Not spoken to him yet but he was sulking earlier. He wanted me to tell you all that he takes DD to her ballet class and swimming Saturday but I doubt this would redeem him much in your opinions based on what has already been said.

I am exasperated by the situation. All we do is argue over the house and the division of responsibility. I think I do as much work as the average SAHM but he doesn't think I do enough. TBH, I think he would like me to keep our house like his Dsis but as much as I try, I just can't.

I have no problem with doing the lions share of housework but as a minimum would like go be appreciated and respected for all I do and right now in not getting that from him.

With so many HIBUs I hope this is a wake up call to him and he starts to understand that his attitude towards me is unacceptable. Thank you to all who have taken the time to reply .

I have not read to the end of this... yet!

I just have to tell you that your DH sounds like my STBXH... I was accused of never dong anything. Whatever I did do was criticised and belittled. So I stopped doing all the things he thought I didnt do! I sat about all day, only looked after myself, okay I did a bit for my kids who are young adults... :) (they have to do their own washing and ironing now).

My STBXH had to do all his own washing and cooking and shopping. I stopped cutting his hair (which I hated doing!) I didnt change his bedding.... etc etc....

Damn I am just sick that I spent so many bloody years doing what I was told to do :( I am verging on being so bitter that I consider marriage to be not much more than modern slavery............. only verging though... :))

Sigh!

I have say that when I was at home with my little ones, I kept our home absolutely immaculate, I even bloody polished floor tiles in the hall on my hands and knees .... I also had to do work from home for our jointly run business. Looking after 2 children is a full time job, looking after a big family home is a full time job, running a business is a full time job... I did it all...but I never (in my STBXH eyes) did enough :(

Now I go out and have fun :)

I'm going to be a lone voice here, but I can kind of see your husbands point at the start of the row. I know the thread has moved on since then and he has begun to sound like he might be an arse, but he had a point about the sweet wrapper. You knew it was there yet you were telling him he should have picked it up when he saw it. Why didn't you pick it up when you saw it?

I think a lot of this depends on how messy your house actually is. But either way, it sounds like an argument that has been blown out of all proportion and it needs to be put into perspective. Even if your house is messy, the fact that you love each other and your family is more important than a tidy house. Your DH needs to realise that.

Blimey, he sounds a treat and a half

Not much to add as it's all been said but just wanted to add another voice!

(That Hecate's scarily perceptive isn't she? No messing, cuts straight through the crap to the heart of the problem like a hot knife through butter.)

Please tell your 'D'H to start his own thread, I'm begging you

Thanks for your reply my. He wants to have an immaculate house all the time. I want the children to be happy. I don't want to miss out on the short early years because I was stuck at home cleaning.

I have on the odd occasion totally gutted the house. It took all day. He was very pleased. He said I would be able to keep on top of it. The kids had a different idea.

What I hate most about this is that the DCs are listening to the what he says to me. I don't want them to accept that for themselves. He can't see that there is anything wrong with how he treats me.

OP, why don't you just show him the thread? If you think he can handle all the "cockbadgers" etc which he (rightly) has been called over the original sweet wrapper thing then it might be the fastest way! What is his sister's situation? Does she have 1 toddler or school age kids? Does she have a cleaner? does she have any fun with her kids? A friend of mine has one 6 year old. They have a beautiful house - like a show home, but apart from a couple of very tasteful black and white photos you would not know there was a kid living in the house and I think that's really sad. Its their home too, so if half my living room is covered in brightly coloured plastic, fine. The other half has books and a big fuck off TV so that's ok. Its reasonably tidy but far from perfect - I must have picked up the pretend food and put it back in the pretend trolley 20 times today and eventually I decided just not to. I bet when your DP does some work, the recipient doesn't rip it up, put it on his desk and then say, actually I did want that, can you do it again. You need to have a serious talk and he NEEDS to spend one whole weekend with your DC just to really get the idea.

I didn't see the wrapper. The day before it was on the floor and I picked it up. I got distracted and put it down again. I forgot about it until he came straight in from work and said something along the lines of why is that still the? Pick it up. I went mad. This is not th first time he has gone this. He lives to point out a pile if mess, odd thing dropped on the floor but do nothing about it himself. It is my job. He works so I should pick up any crap on the floor.

During the row he said he would start picking up stuff on the floor and chick it. But that means ANYTHING he hinds. So if I have left something I want to keep on the floor it will honing the bin. Unless of course, I tidy everything.

His sister probably cleans more than she builds lego... both are valid (ish) but if you define yourself as a SAHM then you are a mum. Not a SAHDG (domestic goddess) the rules are different.

Most SAHMs I know think a personal treat is a cup of coffee without children in a supermarket, or a charity shop 'find'. A SADG has a lovely chic clean house at all times, and prefers tiffany to tinker.

Tell your DH, if he thinks he's 'paying all and getting nothing' that a SADG costs considerably MORE!!!

I DO sympathise with those who work whilst their partner SAH. I sympathise because the roles have very different challenges and remits, and I've been both. When I SAH I constantly felt inferior on the social circuit, when it came to money I felt I was having to go 'cap in hand' for stuff I usually bought with my wages, and felt constantly knackered. When I worked I felt I had little for me, felt the burden of paying the bills, and felt constantly knackered.

I think when you both acknowledge the validity of the 'downsides' of each role, and can agree not to put the other down to feel justified because comparison is wrong really, you may be able to JUST BEND DOWN and pick up a sweet wrapper when you see it, rather than using it to delve into deeper issues.

YANBU to put this thread your way. YABU to only see your PoV. Likewise your DH IBU for not considering what you actually do, day in day out, but is NBU for being knackered, blinkered and wondering why everything isn't just tickety boo compared to his sister's whenever he comes home... because he's not done it, because he sees his sister (who's probably lovely, I don't know, but I don't instinctively want to drop by for coffee) and because he only sees his own stresses and burdens.

I think that's hopefully fence sittery enough for both you and your DH. Ultimately though HeIBU and you're trying to prove a point you shouldn't have to make.

I have read him the thread. He laughed so he obviously liked everybody's wit . But, he would only home in on the points that were on his favour and explained away the rest. It was the way I wrote the op apparently. I didn't do it right. So the. I wrote exactly what he told me to. But you're all lazy, Jeremy Kyle watching women so of course you will agree with me.

I am so very sad for you! You wont get these years back with your little ones, (speaking from bitter experience).

An immaculate home doesnt make happy childhood memories! :( Your children will be grown all too quickly. You can make your home immaculate once they have flown the nest, now, you should be enjoying your time with them :)

Yes, I agree totally. I wish he would see things from my perspective.

He has honed in on the idea that we put equal time in. I do ten hours to his ten. But I have a feeling he thinks that should mean ten hours cleaning not the other stuff like raising our DCs and taking our youngest to play groups etc.

He often says that the kids are at school all day. My reply is that only 2 are and the school day is short. He doesn't understand or wants to understand .

Dear OP's Husband.
Do you realise what will happen if you carry on like this? One day your lovely partner will have a flash of her old self and realise that you have been treating her like a scivvy. And you will lose your wife, your kids being in your life daily.
You promised to love and cherish her. Do you think this kind of behaviour is doing that?
That's why I have an xh too.

woopdiedoo, neither your husband nor your kids should be treating you like this. Would you consider starting a thread on Relationships for a more measured discussion?

What Did I Do Today?

What did I do today?
Today I left some dishes dirty,
The bed got made around 3:30.
The diapers soaked a little longer,
The odor grew a little stronger.
The crumbs I spilled the day before,
Are staring at me from the floor.
The fingerprints there on the wall,
Will likely be there still next fall.
The dirty streaks on those window panes,
Will still be there next time it rains.
Shame on you, you sit and say,
Just what did you do today?

I nursed a baby till he slept,
I held a toddler while she wept.
I played a game of hide and seek,
I squeezed a toy so it would squeak.
I pulled a wagon, sang a song,
Taught a child right from wrong.
What did I do this whole day through?
Not much that shows, I guess that? s true.
Unless you think that what I?ve done,
Might be important to someone,
With bright brown eyes and soft brown hair,
If that is true?I?ve done my share.

??Author Unknown

Every now and then, I feel that my DH looks disaprovingly on the state of the house (wouldn't dare say anything though ) I always end up feeling like I have neglected my wifely duties and spend the next day being a domestic goddess. Those are always the days that I go to bed feeling like crap because i've completely ignored my poor DS. The next day we play with jelly all day and we all go to bed much dirtier and happier.

Do not pick up the wrapper!!

I agree he is being completely out of order - he isn't pulling his weight in the home, end of story.

But in the original post the OP said that her DH has a rule that there is no food in the room in question - but that she let's the kids have sweets/crisps in there.

So the OP deliberately undermines her DH in front of her kids by allowing them to ignore his rule? And then complains that he is disrespecting her by the way he speaks to her in front of them?

There is some hypocrisy there.

How many threads have there been where OPs are complaining that their OH's ignore the rules for the children - and how many responses that that is simply unacceptable? Countless responses saying if you disagree you discuss out of earshot of the children but you never undermine the other parent.

I would be furious if my DH deliberately allowed our children to ignore a rule I had set - if he disagreed with it I would expect a discussion in private and either the rule to stand or be removed. I would not expect him to allow the children to ignore me. I get the feeling if this had been the other way round and the OPs husband had allowed the children to deliberately flout a rule she had set we'd all using this as another reason to berate him. Yet noone has said anything about it when it's his rule - because he's being an arse about other things? Doesn't change the fact that undermining the other parent isn't right.

(Before you get on your high horse Mr OP - you are as bad by speaking to your wife in the way you do - and worse through demonstrating seriously fucked up gender roles and massive inequality in your home.)

op,

i used to have a sah partner he provided all the childcare and i provided the money he was not under any circumstances my skivey or my cleaner.

he would do the basics during the week and i would do the dinner when i got home unless i was stuck at work, but evenings and weekends we both split everything i was extreamily thankfull for his contribution to our family and tried my hardest to make sure he knew that our family had the standered of living that we did because he made me able to concentrate on work knowing the children were happy.if i had of demanded he picked up a sweet wrapper because he was the skivey tbh i would have expected him to divorce me keep my house and my kids and force me to make him rich by having to pay a huge ammount to him for maintainance. and it would have been my own fault.

its not ok to disrespect the contribution a sahp makes to the family.

just incase he picks up on the used to have a sah partner no we didnt divorce i was widowed and instantly had to outsource the contribution he put into the family it cost me a fortune.

i have never been a sahm so have no bias.

Coola, he flouts the rule himself all the time. It gets reinstated when he feels like it.

So what he's saying, woopdiedoo, is that he prioritises the cleanliness of the house above the nurturing and raising of your children?

And for the OPs DH..... There are things in life more important than a tidy house.

I hope my child looks back on today
And remembers a mother who had time to play.
There will be years for cleaning and cooking,
But children grow up when you?re not looking.
Tomorrow I?ll do all the chores you can mention
But today, my baby needs time and attention.
So settle down cobwebs; dust go to sleep,
I?m cuddling my baby, and babies don?t keep.

So Mr OP - what do you want your children to have? A mother with time for them, or a completely spotless house? Because your children's view may differ from yours. They need attention to be all they can be - a tidy house will not do that for them.

Randall - in love that poem. I'm going to read it to him.

Kalisi - that's exactly how I feel. I sometimes find myself being a little harsh on youngest when she makes a mess. She's only doing what young children do but I know I'll get it in the neck of the house is a mess so I get quite stressed with any extra work.

He thinks I should be able to do both. But then because he's never done it, he doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that any housework I do I have to neglect DD while I do it.