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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be concerned about this (re:DD2 and reasonable noise)??

156 replies

matchpoint · 08/10/2012 18:53

My DD2 started in Reception last month. She is really enjoying herself so far and I am really pleased.

However, in her class, there is a little girl who has a tube in her neck which is attached to a breathing machine, whihc is quite noisy (no idea why, none of my business I suppose). There are two full time members of staff who work with this child.
My DD2 has consistently complained that the noise from the breathing machine is "annoying" and she "doesn't like it". So far, I have (nicely!) told her to get over it, but I am starting to get concerned about the effect this may have on her education.

WIBU to go to the teacher about this, and ask for some kind of solution? I'm not asking for this little girl to go be educated in a shed far away from other children. I am concerned, however, about the effect of this constant low-level noise on my DD2 who does deserve to be educated too.

First post here, I'm slightly at a loss here, and could do with some MN advice!

OP posts:
Whitecherry · 09/10/2012 09:29

Gosh!

This girl is likely to go through the school years with your dd. Can't you encourage a friendship? Invite her round to play?

Maybe your dd is a little fearful and it's coming across to you as she's 'annoyed' by it.

I know my own dc would be a little scared. But 5 mins spent with the person or a quick explanation, fears allayed, and it's on with playing.

Helpyourself · 09/10/2012 09:33

From your OP My DD2 has consistently complained that the noise from the breathing machine is "annoying" and she "doesn't like it". So far, I have (nicely!) told her to get over it, but I am starting to get concerned about the effect this may have on her education.
I would have been gentle the first time she mentioned it, and explained why she uses it and that DD has to accept that there will always be distractions, and that the only thinng she can control is how she reacts to things, but the 2nd time- there would be no 'nicely'. You're not doing your daughter ant favours indulging her here.

onceortwice · 09/10/2012 09:35

I don't really get the level of vitriol being aimed at the OP for this.

DO all of you really think she is the only mother who has said something like this? She's not.

Shit happens. If the OP can't / doesn't want to deal with it, then that's the way it is. Life's not perfect. It could be that her DD does have some sensory processing issues which are making this a much bigger deal than we see it to be. Here's one: My DS finds it physically painful to have his hair cut... We all know that it doesn't hurt him, but he actually screams in pain when made to have a hair cut... I don't think he does it purposely. And yes, my DS lacks empathy. It's not something I'm going to 'teach' him anytime soon.

Fair enough, I progressed a DX for my DS to try and ensure that he wasn't simply labelled as some sort of naughty / horrid boy at school, but I am sure there are parents at that school that wish he wasn't there. In fact, I am damn full SURE of it.

It's perfectly within the remit of the OP to take her DD out of an environment in which her DD is struggling. Obviously, it is not acceptable (nor would it ever happen, BTW) to expect another child to be withdrawn because your child wasn't happy with them. But, as I said, that would never happen.

OP - You do need to look at WHY your DD finds this so difficult and also look at other options for her schooling / education.

Badvoc · 09/10/2012 09:36

MNHQ does not tolerate disablist views.....
Riigghhhttt....
And yet this disgusting thread is still here?
Op.
You are a disgrace.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 09/10/2012 09:41

I can't believe its still here either. Reported last night told that MNHQ are "keeping an eye",

Badvoc · 09/10/2012 09:45

I have reported it too

Whistlingwaves · 09/10/2012 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

McFarts · 09/10/2012 10:15

Dear oh dear me! you need to get a grip on reality OP you are a total disgrace!

Fucking disgusting that MNHQ will let this thread stay!......because its educational for other!!! Angry get it deleted! its vile and stands to benefit NOBODY!

Lilylightfoot · 09/10/2012 10:16

If after all the avice on here you are still concerned about the effect your DD education you can alway home ed then will be no have noise to complain about

TandB · 09/10/2012 10:20

OP, I don't actually think telling your DD to "get over it" is any more appropriate than raising it as an issue with the school.

You are her parent. For whatever reason she has a difficulty/lack of understanding about something she is going to encounter throughout her life, ie disability.

Why would you not talk this through with her, and perhaps take some of Ventilatormum's advice about how to help her understand better?

It seems like one extreme to another - either talk to the school because it is such a big issue, or tell herto get over it. There is a middle ground.

onceortwice · 09/10/2012 10:25

If I could 'like' your post Kungfu, I would Smile

Helpyourself · 09/10/2012 10:26

Sometimes get over it is the best advice.
Obviously for a 5yo, you phrase it differently. 'You're struggling to concentrate because of this noise, the noise isn't going to stop, so you need to ignore it'

onceortwice · 09/10/2012 10:32

But, Helpyourself - if the child has SPD (which I feel must play a part in this), then that is not the case. There are things my DS just cannot cope with.

Buzzing lightbulbs or air in raditors are two that freak him out completely.

There may be a reason that this frequency is so upsetting.

But at no point does it become anyone's problem other than the OP / OP's DD.

Ephiny · 09/10/2012 10:32

I can't imagine what kind of 'solution' you expect the school to provide. And it seems unlikely the noise is so loud that, for example, she can't listen to the teacher.

Move your daughter to another school if it's that much of a problem.

And as it happens I have what you'd probably call 'sensory issues' and always did as a child - I don't expect the world to be arranged for my convenience though, and I can't imagine a scenario where I'd expect someone to provide a 'solution' to a disabled child annoying me by breathing.

Just think for a moment about what you're actually saying here.

threesocksmorgan · 09/10/2012 10:35

why is this thread still here?
It is vile and disgusting and very disablist.

Helpyourself · 09/10/2012 10:39

If this child has SPD all the more reason to instil resiliance. Life is going to be unbearable otherwise. If you can't carpet the world, wear slippers.

SarkyWench · 09/10/2012 10:40

Somewhere in that OP was a reasonable question ... (how do I help my DD adjust to a new situation that she is finding difficult).

But it was phrased in a manner that showed a complete lack of empathy for either the little girl involved or the people on these boards who deal with disabilities and their consequences on a daily manner.

Would the OP have phrased her question like this to a person with a disability who was standing right in front of her? Probably not. And yet she thought it an appropriate way to write on a public forum.
I find this very sad.
I find it even more sad that she can't see that she has done anything wrong.

OhChristFENTON · 09/10/2012 10:53

matchpoint I think looking at your OP this comment is your biggest obstacle to finding a 'solution' (no idea why, none of my business I suppose) - your daughter has articulated her feelings about the noise as annoying because she doesn't understand it, and she is no doubt more worried about it than actually irritated. I doubt this is the most distracting noise in a reception classroom.

By telling her to get over it you have shown her that you too don't really understand it either which hasn't helped her feelings of discomfort about it, - and I'm sorry but you've had a thrashing here because you have come across with the attitude 'don't know why she's like that but it's not my problem, and it's causing my child distress', and have shown no compassion for the child herself.

You need to help your daughter understand it in simple terms, and that it's necessary for her classmate to function and be able to go to school like she can. She can breathe in and out without even thinking, she needs to know her classmate can't and needs help from this machine.

Goldmandra · 09/10/2012 11:00

"If you can't carpet the world, wear slippers"

I thinks that's what the OP was asking. How does she help her DD to create these slippers and should she enlist the help of the class teacher?

The advice to instil resilience would be more akin to "If you can't carpet the world, go barefoot and put up with it."

There are strategies which help children with SPD. Telling them to just live with it because someone else is worse off is not one of them.

You can't make hypersensitivity go away. You can, however help children learn to create their own 'slippers' by finding ways to manage the stimulus and their responses to it. A reception child needs a teacher to help them develop these strategies.

If this is SPD, the child can't just ignore the noise because it is not socially acceptable to find it irritating due to the fact that it is there to help a child with a severe disability, nor is it a reflection of her attitude to the child.

If a problem like this is ignored and the child becomes conditioned to feeling stressed around her classmate it could affect how she views this child and others with disabilities in the future.

If the OP's child is seriously finding this noise a problem it is in everyone's interests to find a way to solve the problem. Clearly this solution must not involve imposing changes of any sort on the child with the ventilator. It is about helping the OP's child to find a way to manage her responses to the noise.

pigletmania · 09/10/2012 11:05

Op I am glad that you are taking this on board, people are a bit sensitive because this is a sensitive area, a few people on here inc myself have a child with disabilities. Now is a good time to educate your dd bout people in the world. That poor little girl has no choice but to have that ventilator that keeps her alive, it's not like she can switch it off or she will die. I don't blame your dd she is only 4, but you should know better. Put yourself in tat little girl parent shoes, a bit of empathy op

threesocksmorgan · 09/10/2012 11:09

I am sure the op has disappeared now

solidgoldbrass · 09/10/2012 11:11

The thing is, just because one person has a problem, it doesn't mean that everyone else just has to 'get over it', end of story. If a child has SN to the extent that s/he bites, kicks or thumps other DC, would you all be screaming and ranting at the parents of NT kids who wanted something done so their own DC weren't coming home scratched and bruised?
The OP's asking for ways to help her DD cope with a situation the DD is troubled by. She seems to be getting a mugging on here for not having remembered to apologise for having a healthy child when other children have physical or mental longterm issues.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 09/10/2012 11:14

She is getting a mugging on her because she is showing no consideration of the little girl with the breathing tube, she is just concerned about her little girl being bothered by it. Like someone else said, if she had posted the same OP but with a different title and a bit more understanding people would react differently.

Helpyourself · 09/10/2012 11:16

You see I see 'wear slippers' as quite an encouragement! It's empowering the subject- in this case the OP's daughter, to see that she can't change what's going on around her, but that she can manage her own reactions to it and cushion the impact.

HeadfirstForHalos · 09/10/2012 11:17

I am also impressed that you came back too OP. Kudos to you.

I do share Kungfupandas train of thought though-

" I personally would have responded very differently to an OP that said " My 4 year-old is irrationally distressed by the sound of another child's ventilator. What do I do to help her?"

But what I was actually responding to was an OP that said "My 4 year-old is annoyed by the sound of another child's ventilator and I am concerned about her education.""

This is why you have needed the flame proof clothing.