AIBU to be concerned about this (re:DD2 and reasonable noise)??

[matchpoint]

My DD2 started in Reception last month. She is really enjoying herself so far and I am really pleased.

However, in her class, there is a little girl who has a tube in her neck which is attached to a breathing machine, whihc is quite noisy (no idea why, none of my business I suppose). There are two full time members of staff who work with this child.
My DD2 has consistently complained that the noise from the breathing machine is "annoying" and she "doesn't like it". So far, I have (nicely!) told her to get over it, but I am starting to get concerned about the effect this may have on her education.

WIBU to go to the teacher about this, and ask for some kind of solution? I'm not asking for this little girl to go be educated in a shed far away from other children. I am concerned, however, about the effect of this constant low-level noise on my DD2 who does deserve to be educated too.

First post here, I'm slightly at a loss here, and could do with some MN advice!

[matchpoint]

Wow, good thing I put on my flame proof clothing.

To those who wrote the rude, unhelpful posts, I sincerely hope hiding behind a computer screen and spewing vitriol at a stranger gave you the excitement that you are clearly missing in your life.

Thank you to those who wrote the reasoned, well thought-out responses. Your input was appreciated. It has certainly given me a lot to think about and mull over tonight-although having read every post, I am leaning towards the "DD2 needs to get over it" side of things!
Thanks again.

[PunkInDublic]

Noticed you came back. Brave.

It's not that "DD2 needs to get over it", children at that age need to learn about differences and how we all have to give and take in life so that everyone can enjoy the same things. Children can be crass and at times seem rude about people's differences, that's normal.

Adult's not understanding about respect towards others and give and take isn't. Going to the teacher and presenting it as a problem would be beyond crass IMHO and show little empathy or understanding on your part.

Don't tell her to get over it, help her understand it, if you don't know what it does, ask! A polite question to the child's parent might be the best way here, "My DD is confused about your DD's equipment, could we ask what it does and how it works so she can understand it doesn't hurt your DD and is there to help her?" I'd look to ventilatormum for advice on that though. Play dates and familiarisation would be my choice of the way forward. Not only to help your DD in the classroom but for life in general.

[BigWitchLegsInWailyTights]

Definitely try to speak to her Mum... a Mum in our reception playground recently organised a get together for the DC and Mums in the local soft play over the half term...it's a good way of all getting a chat and to know one another.

You could do that...and then see how the Mum is getting on with it all and mainly just give your DD the chance to get to know her.

It's really important that DC of all abilities get to mix...for both. My DDs get a lot out of all their friendships and smetimes, the parents of children with real difficulties can be very estranged from the others....people are afraid to mix with them...afraid to ask their DC on playdates...don't be afraid to get to know the child.

Really though, the teacher should help the other DC to understand about the ventillator as well.

[WilsonFrickett]

Exactly what Kungfu said. I absolutely understand a 4 yo could find a breathing tube distressing, but that's not what the OP asked for help with, is it?

And ventilatormum. I actually don't have words for you. You rock.

[steppemum]

I am going to wade in a bit here.

first I agree with ventilator mum, and thought that was an amazing very thoughtfully worded response.

BUT I think there maybe an issue here, and i am not talking about op's dc having sensory issues.

My dd2 has a problem with her throat which means she sometimes gets food stuck and then retches till she is sick. My dd1 and ds have seen it for years, but I rememeber one occasion when dd1 (about 5 at the time) got really distressed by her being sick. Shouting out horrible things 'it's disgusting, she shouldn't do that at the table, yuck yuck yuck' and so on. It turned out that she was very worried about 'catching' what dd2 had. Although she had seen it for about 2 years at the time, something in her had just worked out (wrongly) that illness is catching. We had to work with dd1 explaining what was wrong and give her the information to understand.

I do think that disability can be confusing for children, and it can generate fears and strange ideas. It is then our job as adults to ask what they are thinking, listen and explain to our children what is going on. They have genuine questions and we need to hear them and take them seriously.

OF COURSE the point is that we help our kids to understand, and help normalise the situation so that they can them become friends with the child in question, and it becomes part of everyday life.

and that may be not true at all and it is at the level of 'I don't like x because they are coughing' and she needs to get over it.

[steppemum]

and my I also remember my friend being moved to tears the first time her ds was asked to a party. He has asd.

[DayShiftDoris]

Firstly I thought Ventilatormum has written some fantastic posts.
Hats off to you for what you have managed to achieve for your DD.

I actually logged on to say what Stepmum has said - that your DD might not like the noise because she is scared. If the importance of the machine has been explained in terms of it being needed to keep this little girl alive then she might actually be worried it will stop...
When I practiced as a midwife I did have, on a couple of occasions have women who asked me to turn the sound off the heartbeat monitors as they couldnt bear it... and without fail when you delved they knew someone close who had had a stillbirth or had had a pregnancy loss themselves.

One thing you could try if it is really getting to her are ear plugs / ear defenders - these do not merely shut out noise anymore but rather you can get ones which filter out background noise.

With some gentle understanding support alongside 'you need to live with it' I am sure she'll be ok and she'll not even notice it soon.

[NeDeLaMer]

I would suggest you 'keep leaning'.

[Secondsop]

Most of what I would want to say has been more than adequately covered by ventilatormum but there's one thing I wanted to add about your comment on the effect on your daughter's education. I was at secondary school with a quadriplegic girl in my class from year 7 onwards (so we shared classes for 7 years, up to and including a-levels) who needed carers to write for her, so when we had quiet lessons where everyone had to sit and get on with something there was always the sound of my friend dictating and her carer possibly asking questions. BUT, we all got on with our own work and learnt to tune it out and to deal with it because that is what you do in an environment where people's different needs have to be accommodated. This was a highly academic school and an environment where the noise could legitimately have been said to have possibly affected our education, but it would not have occurred to any of us for a second to have complained about it. We were obviously much older than your daughter but we understood perfectly that sometimes things cannot be exactly as we would, in a perfect world, want them to be, because we share this world with other people. This is a lesson that I don't think is too early to teach at age 4 and a lesson that is as important to learn in reception as anything else that is being covered in class.

[Stonefield]

For one thing it's a Reception classroom, she's not sitting an exam, and I seriously doubt it is ever quiet, she needs to get over it.
You need to teach her some consideration for others and perhaps learn some yourself while you're on.

[WofflingOn]

OP, I think you are a very poor example of parenting.
However, has anyone considered that the OP's daughter may be saying that she finds the noise annoying and that she 'doesn't like it ' not because of the sound but because of the idea of having a tube stuck in your neck to breath with? That she is using the wrong words to describe her feelings of discomfort at seeing something she is shocked and surprised by? She may need support with that, rather than ear defenders.
Yes, she will have to overcome those feelings, and in no way should the child in question be tidied away so that the noise doesn't bother the OP's daughter.
I just wonder if the problem isn't as it first appears.

[WofflingOn]

Bum.
Or exactly what steppemum and DSD posted.

Speedreading fail.

[Proudnscary]

OP, your post made me angry (and no it's not whiny arse to feel fucked off with this kind of attitude, SGB).

What a fantastic opportunity to talk to your dd about disability, differences and why she's so lucky - that having a bit of a noisy machine in the classroom is nothing compared to what this child will have had to endure. Four is WAY old enough to understand empathy and to take on board all of the above. Talk to the teacher about talking to the kids about this little girl (with her parents' blessing).

To say 'I don't know why she has a breathing machine'...totally lame and a missed opportunity.

Talk about a situation where you really need to put yourself in someone else's shoes and think about it from the opposite way round.

[madmouse]

I'm not often speechless OP but I am now. Your poor DD deserves a parent who will teach her some vital skills to get by in life. Pull your socks up. Forget talking about the teacher. Educate yourself and your child.

[threesocksmorgan]

WHAT THE FLYING FUCK
you are moaning about a childs breathing tube
I mean
really?
this must be the sickest thread ever.

[Peachy]

What threesocks said

DS2 has a child on his table at school who has autism, he plays up every day and they get held behind (comp). It's especially difficult as ds3 also ahs 3 siblings with autism who basically rule our lives.

It's still get over it.

Well, I guess feel free to complain but expect to be mocked in the staff room.

Starting reception is a difficult time and full of nerves, ds4 started this year as well so I know this. If you run in every time something small comes up, you will end up with a breakdown. School teaches acceptance and tolerance, and indeed that other's needs can take preference sometimes

[Goldmandra]

I agree with the posters who say that this is a good opportunity for your child to learn about disability and those who say that her concern may be about catching the disability or something bad happening to the child. These are things you need to look into carefully and see if you can inform your DD enough that her worries go away and she is able to 'tune out' the sounds and concentrate.

However, children in reception are playing and it is noisy but they are still learning which, to be effective, requires them to concentrate. It is possible that the low level noise from the ventilator is consistently disrupting your child's concentration. If it is, and it continues, it could very well have a long term effect on her education. Learning through play is just as important as learning through lectures.

Last night my DD1 who has AS and Sensory Processing Disorder could not concentrate on the tv or a conversation because of the very, very low level noise being made by a light bulb. Most people could tune that out very easily but it destroyed my DD's ability to concentrate and it made her anxious and angry. If this noise had been in a classroom she would not have learned a thing.

The fact that the noise in question is linked to supporting another child with a serious disability is very unfortunate as this thread demonstrates but it doesn't negate the problems it could cause for a child with sensory processing difficulties.

If I were you I'd Google sensory processing and hypersensitivity to sound and see if this could be the issue. If it is then your DD has a need which is also valid and the teacher should be expected to find a way to help her manage it.

Some possibilities would be ear defenders, giving her a space away from the sound to work in when she is finding it hard to concentrate, using some headphones with music or white noise to disrupt the sound, teaching her some relaxation techniques to help her accustom herself to the sound.

It is hard to tell from your post how severe this problem is for your DD but you can make that judgement and ask the teacher to observe your DD in the classroom to see if there is any evidence of it disrupting her concentration.

[procrastinor]

Firstly OP I am impressed you came back.

I don't think I've got anything more helpful to add except to reiterate what more wise posters above have said: talk to her about what is actually going on, teach her about disability and diversity and encourage her to talk to the little girl.

Now you've had heaps of advice from people like ventilatormum. what are you going to actually do about it?

[threesocksmorgan]

wow you would really aske the teacher if someone breathing is affecting a child??
it is breathing.....

[Badvoc]

I think your comment about this child's life saving medical equipment possibly affecting your daughters education utterly disgusting.
You should be ashamed op.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

I am leaning towards the "DD2 needs to get over it" side of things!

Only leaning?? Seriously OP, you need to get over yourself and thank your lucky stars you have a healthy DD!

I am literally at this and a bit :( as well that someone would even think like this.

[Tailtwister]

What exactly do you expect them to do? Turn the machine off?

I'm afraid that your daughter is just going to have to put up with the noise, just like the child concerned has to 'put up with' the fact she's attached to this machine 24/7.

Maybe she could sit closer to the teacher if she's having trouble hearing them? Otherwise, this could be a useful lesson for her to learn some tolerance.

[MainlyMaynie]

Surely, surely this is a reverse AIBU? I cannot believe anyone would seriously ask this question.

[EnjoyGOLDResponsibly]

So, OP are you going to take her advice?

[DappyHays]

Glad you're leaning towards DD getting over it . Meantime you can try some attitude adjusting yourself.

Good luck to the wee girl on a ventilator. Classmates are probably a lot less problem than the parents of the classmates to children who need extra care.