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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel that most females have been the victim of some kind of sexual abuse?

638 replies

SoleSource · 05/10/2012 14:46

AIBU?

I was very nearly raped by a taxi driver. Also my cries of NO have been ignored on a couple of occasions.

OP posts:
soverylucky · 05/10/2012 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Deux · 05/10/2012 16:19

I haven't, ever. But reading this thread I do wonder if it's because I had a lovely boyfriend from the ages of 15 to 23.

And we were joined at the hip so perhaps that, in its way, kept me safe. He would have thumped anyone who came near me.

Original poster
SoleSource · 05/10/2012 16:20

You are bloody lucky and I am very glad for you traffic :)

OP posts:
MeFour · 05/10/2012 16:21

I would put myself in the lucky category
Except actually it's not that I'm lucky is it. I'm how it should be.
I just wish it was the same for others

spoonsspoonsspoons · 05/10/2012 16:22

Teenagers and young adults, males always involved but not exclusively.

I thought about it because what i know from female friends about not being assaulted etc. came up in the context of being happy as a woman, not feeling restricted because of our sex.

MadBusLady · 05/10/2012 16:23

I hesitated for the same reason, trafficwarden.

But I do think it's important to keep in mind that while these experiences may be a lot more common than society at large would think, they are nonetheless NOT our inevitable fate. Some of us, somehow, have not had these experiences. That alone, I think, would make me angry and in a fighting mood if I was one of those who had. I wish all strength to anyone considering reporting/speaking up.

WorraLiberty · 05/10/2012 16:23

Deux I'm quite sure you would have gone out without him during your 8 years together...even if it was just to the shop for a bar of chocolate.

SinisterBuggyMonth · 05/10/2012 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatBintAgain · 05/10/2012 16:24

YANBU.

I was flashed at as a teenager, assaulted a few times whilst travelling alone in India and raped by an acquaintance in my mid 20's.

I'm amazed (yet very pleased!) that there are women that haven't!

Binkyridesagain · 05/10/2012 16:25

I was abused as a child. When I was nineteen a friends brother pinned me down and tried to assault me until I threatened to scream. ExP raped me. My grandfather stroked my arse, supposedly he did this with all the women of the family and he was just being affectionate Hmm. Male work colleague pulled my skirt up, showing my underwear to a shop floor full of staff.
IMO I don't think you are U

CailinDana · 05/10/2012 16:25

Timothy you have nothing to be ashamed of. Those bastards are the ones who should be ashamed of themselves. They did things to a young girl when she clearly wasn't enjoying it. Arseholes.

LadyFlumpalot · 05/10/2012 16:27

Sinister you have just reminded me of a time at brownie camp when one of the older girls said she had something weird down below, so she stripped off and got one of the other girls to look. The pair of them then got some of the younger girls to take their knickers off and be examined as well. I pretended to be asleep, as was deeply embarrassed by it all.

Deux · 05/10/2012 16:27

Yes of course i went to the shops! Just never happened. Socially we were usually together or in large groups.

I don't know anyone who has experienced sexual boundaries being breached but realise that it is maybe not talked about.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/10/2012 16:28

I don't want to define what happens to other people. However, if we want to protect people and prevent assaults we have to be vigilant to what is unacceptable. Flashing for example. I'm really glad for the people who felt unaffected by it. I have seen a lot of rapists' offending history. Very, very frequently flashing is there. They may try it to see how they feel, how it is prosecuted or not, then they may escalate. If we took flashing more seriously, as the Police are doing now, would less people escalate?

On the subject of whether most men are therefore abusers. I know how prolific the men who sexually offend are. I think that most women could be sexually assaulted and the number of male offenders be quite low. They are some of the most prolific offenders.

CailinDana · 05/10/2012 16:29

I definitely appreciate the women who are coming on to say they have never experienced it. I find it really reassuring. I am pregnant with a little girl and I am so afraid for her already. The fact that she at least has to chance to go through life never having to experience the shitness of abuse/rape etc, is heartening for me.

SnotandBothered · 05/10/2012 16:29

Lots of little incidents - being pushed up against a wall and having someone stick their tongue in my mouth when I neither wanted nor knew what to do with it (about 13)

Being intimidated by two older boys (family friends) into pulling my knickers down whilst my mum chatted to their mum downstairs (about 9)

And the one that really sticks in my mind. On my first ever 'with my friends' holiday (16) to get to our apartment, we had to walk across a bit of a building site. One evening i had to walk past a snarling, spitting dog that was pulling at his lead and seemed to be able to 'reach me' as his rope was so long. I tried a few times but was really scared of getting attacked. An older man (40s) offered to walk me past the dog to the door which was only a few metres away. I turned round to thank him at the door and he'd whipped his penis out and tried to pull my head down to him. I kicked him and ran in.

Saw him a few days later in a supermarket. He looked me straight in the eye and I left. He didn't seem remotely embarrassed.

To be honest, I have never told anyone about this or let it play on my mind because there is a part of me that thinks "stupid 16 year old girl on holiday - what did you expect?" I know that's wrong but it just shows how deeply we are conditioned to take responsibility

Nothing like the trauma that some of you have suffered and I am truly Sad for you.

So OP no, YANBU - I think the vast majority of women will have been subjected to some form of abuse or a varying scale at some point.

Angry
QueenStromba · 05/10/2012 16:31

When my sister and I were about 6 a man was masturbating while looking at us at the beach. When I was 15 a dirty old man on the bus put his hand up my school skirt. When I was 16 I lost my virginity to an older man who took advantage of the fact that I was drunk. I've had sex with a couple of men because I had a feeling that if I didn't then things would turn nasty.

WorraLiberty · 05/10/2012 16:31

MrsT I agree about the flashing which is why I reported to the Police.

However, I didn't feel sexually abused or anything by it.

I just didn't want him to be able to do it to someone else who might actually have felt scared IYSWIM.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/10/2012 16:32

Good for you, reporting, Worrra.

shewhowines · 05/10/2012 16:34

I just hope there are more people out there who haven't had incidences, but haven't bothered opening the thread or posting. It's very worrying.

A couple of minor incidences (including one groping on a train) for me, but generally a lot of respect from men thankfully.

Is it to do with your own confidence in yourself, when they are people you know, do you think?

ThatBintAgain · 05/10/2012 16:35

I told my parents about the flashing but they did nothing.

I'm wondering now if their total indifference to the things that happened to me conditioned me into thinking that I shouldn't report the rape.

I did, in the end. Took years though.

Original poster
SoleSource · 05/10/2012 16:35

I too feel a serial victim of men TrustNobody for all kinds of reasons.

OP posts:
Badvoc · 05/10/2012 16:36

Lots of low level abuse aimed at me over the years...from schoolboys to grown men.
It's depressingly common.
Been flashed etc
Followed home.
Menacing phone calls.
The usual....:(

MoomieAndFreddie · 05/10/2012 16:36

YANBU

i have been, would rather not say exactly what, but it was "mild" ie think being groped in a club etc...and most of my friends have too :(

LadyFlumpalot · 05/10/2012 16:36

Now I'm thinking about it, I'm remembering loads of things. They just did not seem like assault at the time.

Being coerced into playing "kissing" with a teenage lad at the age of 6.

Walked home with a lad who I fancied, stopped for a snog, he rammed his hand up my skirt so hard I yelped and had bruises.

An ex "persuading" me into a strip club and coercing me into having a lap dance from a woman.

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