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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel that most females have been the victim of some kind of sexual abuse?

638 replies

SoleSource · 05/10/2012 14:46

AIBU?

I was very nearly raped by a taxi driver. Also my cries of NO have been ignored on a couple of occasions.

OP posts:
owlelf · 05/10/2012 15:52

holy that is an interesting and really tricky question. Personally, it happened to me a number of times, but by the same person.

If it were all men I think it would have happened more often. I've said "no" a few times and other than that one person, everyone has respected my decision without question.

Original poster
SoleSource · 05/10/2012 15:52

I still recall the drunk man wanking in broad daylight up the side of StMartins church in B'ham on a Sat afternoon at around 2 or 3 pm!.

I was going past on the bus and he cum all over the wall.

We renember because flashing etc is so unusual maybe. It isnot something we see everyday.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 05/10/2012 15:56

Sorry Worra, I put it the wrong way, what I meant was your sexual boundaries were crossed without your permission. It didn't bother you particularly but I'm sure you didn't want it to happen. I'm not saying it has to mean anything, because it was just something that happened, but what I'm saying is that when you opened a thread about sexual abuse, it came to mind, which means it does have some significance in the sense that you categorise it in that way

My sexual boundaries were not crossed because I don't see nakedness as anything to do with sex necessarily.

It came to mind because the poster directly before me mentioned being flashed at.

People see things differently I guess, but I most certainly don't see it as sexual abuse personally.

CailinDana · 05/10/2012 15:58

Fair enough Worra. I would see flashing as being quite intrusive and disturbing, but that's just my own view.

TrustNobody · 05/10/2012 16:00

I've had therapy.

I still will never trust a man again. I tried to have a relationship after my marriage ended. He gave me herpes. That pretty much ended my desire to ever date or try to be 'normal'. I'm a serial victim.

TimothyTumblespring · 05/10/2012 16:00

I'm not sure if it actually counts as sexual abuse. I was certainly "taken advantage of" as a teenager. I was 17 or 18 and I was a lot less streetwise than I thought I was. I thought that hanging around with lads a lot older than me made me look "cool."
In hindsight they were clearly only after one thing. I look back on it now and feel a bit ashamed and grubby. I don't think I was assaulted, just very naive. Sad

PosieParker · 05/10/2012 16:00

Flashing is a sexual crime, whether you think it is or not.

CailinDana · 05/10/2012 16:02

Why do you feel ashamed Timothy?

WorraLiberty · 05/10/2012 16:04

I didn't say it wasn't Posie, although I have no idea if it is or not.

BreconBeBuggered · 05/10/2012 16:04

Interesting question of boundaries. I was flashed at once when I was in a telephone box; he then proceeded to have a wank right outside the door so that I couldn't get out. I spoke of it as an amusing anecdote afterwards, but it was quite intimidating at the time. It didn't compare with the times I was actually assaulted, though there was the fear of what might happen next.

ClippedPhoenix · 05/10/2012 16:04

I also think flashing as a sexual crime to be honest.

MotherOfNations · 05/10/2012 16:07

How strange. I logged in to start this thread myself and found yours. I'm currently battling my youngest daughter's fathere in court. She was conceived through rape. I stupidly never reported it and then in my hormonal state even let him put his name on her birth certificate. I even let him see her up until she was 4 months old when he tried to abduct her. For some strange reason he was only charged with breach of the peace but never turned up at court. My dd is now almost 4 and he has come out of the woodwork saying he wants to see her. He is a failed asylum seeker and I believe he only wants to see her as he thinks it will help his immigration case. He made very strange sexual comments about dd and I even caught him sniffing my older girls underwear. He claimed he was sniffing to check if it was dirty so he could put it in the wash.
Unfortunately my experiences with this man weren't the first time I've been sexually assaulted but it's the one time that is still having an impact on my life.

SarryB · 05/10/2012 16:07

I have too.

BF when I was about 15 very nearly forced himself on me in a carpark. I kicked him in the nuts and ran off.
BF when I was about 23 nearly forced himself on me on several occasions, and would make me do things I was quite uncomfortable with.

I cannot imagine what it must be like to be raped - just being close to that scared the life out of me.

marshmallowpies · 05/10/2012 16:07

I hope it has not happened to 'most' women, and I've certainly, thankfully, never had anything really bad happen to me, but when I was being bullied at school, in 2 cases the way boys behaved towards me would be classed as sexual harassment if it happened between two adults (mainly trying to grab me or making inappropriate crude comments to me - and it happened on the school bus so I couldn't even get away from the situation).

It was very upsetting at the time (I was in the first year of senior school, so only 11/12) - the worst thing I remember was having to sit next to him when there were no other spare seats on the bus. I asked a friend to swap with me, which she did, but he then started hitting her and wouldn't stop unless I swapped back and went to sit next to him again. Hurting my friend to get at me - what a hideous, hateful thing to do. It's that memory that haunts me more than the sexual bullying.

As an adult, I've not experienced it very often, but was once groped in a bar by a man who was trying to chat me up. I was abroad on my own, so realised I was in a fairly vulnerable situation, but was able to make my excuses politely but firmly and leave.

I had to go and sit in a Starbucks and drink a cup of tea after as I was shaking and quite upset, but as an adult responsible for my own life & my choices, told myself chalk it down to experience, be grateful it wasn't worse and get on and enjoy the holiday. I was in New York by myself so I really didn't want to spend the rest of my time there feeling scared - but it did make me wise up to the fact that people who appear to be friendly & chatting to a tourist may actually be looking for something else. I hadn't realised the bar I was in was a 'notorious pick up joint' - as i later read in my Rough Guide.

MadBusLady · 05/10/2012 16:07

Another here who has never had any unwanted sexual experience - not flashing, groping, nor worse. I'm also fairly sure I can vouch for two (at least) close female friends who haven't either, but I can think of at least one person in my wider circle who has.

SarryB · 05/10/2012 16:09

I was also flashed at when I was about 5, my older sisters were with me aged 6 and 7.

TimothyTumblespring · 05/10/2012 16:09

Cailin - I think I feel ashamed because looking back I didn't want to do the things I did. I don't recall often actually saying no or physically trying to stop any of their advances but I remember not enjoying it, wishing I wasn't doing it and feeling dirty afterwards.

BegoniaBampot · 05/10/2012 16:13

I've been assaulted probably on more occasions than I can count, luckily more minor and didn't really affect me that much other than to think I had been really lucky a few times as it could have gotten very much uglier. Always thought ever female had been at the least assaulted or inappropriately touched, threatened, whatever at least once.

spoonsspoonsspoons · 05/10/2012 16:15

Interestingly amongst my male friends all have been physically assaulted to varying degrees.

LadyFlumpalot · 05/10/2012 16:16

A male (ex) friend texted me a picture of his cock last week...

Apparently I'm up for it because I am an occasional photographers model.

I got pinned down by another ex friend 10 years ago on a night out, not raped, but almost. He stopped when I started crying. He said I was a prick tease because I had accepted a drink from him and gone outside for fresh air. I actually wanted fresh air!

BegoniaBampot · 05/10/2012 16:16

Just read some more posts, really surprised that some women have never been assaulted. No one grab your breast, slapped your arse when they walked by - at the least. saying thatvsome of the worst assaults were when I went backpacking in countries not known for their good behaviour towards women and they were the more serious and scary ones. you just accepted it.

NoillyPrat · 05/10/2012 16:16

YANBU :(

I was abused by a family member from the age of 8 until I was 15.

Nottigermum · 05/10/2012 16:17

YANBU. I was abused by member of extended family.

Once at university I was on my own in a laundrette and a bloke came in, took his clothes off (I really mean, all his clothes) and put them in the washing mashine. When I actually noticed what he was doing I ran away and called the police, and he had left all his clothes in the washing machine but obviously had other clothes in a bag and he ran away! A bit funny, a bit traumatic... I was also flashed by a bloke in a car with his bits out in full view, that was much more worrying as it was around the corner from a secondary school - called 999 right away. He did get arrested and went to court.

Original poster
SoleSource · 05/10/2012 16:17

Spoons by other males, females or amixture of both? As adults?

OP posts:
trafficwarden · 05/10/2012 16:17

I wrote a post and decided not to post it in case, as someone else said, it came across as smug. Anyway, I am another woman who has never experienced sexual or any other kind of abuse. Nobody close to me has ever discussed it with me but that says nothing I realise, just that it's not a subject many women would freely admit. Maybe I'm lucky, if so I am very grateful.

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