to feel that most females have been the victim of some kind of sexual abuse?

[SoleSource]

AIBU?

I was very nearly raped by a taxi driver. Also my cries of NO have been ignored on a couple of occasions.

How do you start be embed the message of empowerment in very young girls when you are of a generation of permissive women? I know my rights, and I am old enough, confident enough and strong enough to enforce them when a scenario warrants it, but my whole life I have rarely ever done so...

So how do I get this message fed to my daughter who is three when I have been a hypocrite and weak in myself?

How do you prepare a child for the things that we have all discussed on this thread? When you can't even trust those entrusted with your health and well being?

I am not going to pretend that I am finding this thread incredibly upsetting for a number of reasons, but most of all because of what everyone has experienced.

ansypants do you mean you are finding the thread upsetting or that you are not?

Blimey, no I mean I find it upsetting, sorry about the typo.

It should have said I am not going to pretend, I am finding this thread incredibly upsetting...Sorry

My older brother used to do things to me but I have always passed it off as childish curiosity, I still do really.

Several colleagues at work have made a move on me - one groped me whilst I was driving him somewhere.

A teacher at school would wrap his hand round me and pull me close to his desk, he did it to a lot of the girls and it was a 'joke' that he was a perv but if it happened today he'd be out of a job I think.

Most of these things I dismiss as being half my fault, except possibly the teacher one. But even that I think I naively assumed there was nothing in it because I thought of myself as an ugly duckling. Sad really.

ansty have been having exactly those same worries myself...

i am going to;

1. be a out-spoken gob-shite of a role model, so it will be 2nd nature for dds to raise objections immediately when they feel compromised

2. keep them fit and running...i reckon being able to outrun is valuable

3. keep them in judo (whether they like it or not) Not because i think they can/should be able to fight off an attacker, but so that they have the confidence to. My dad always told me about punching attackers/kneeing them in the balls...but I have never physically 'assualted' anyone..i dont think i could do it

4. keep up self-esteem and confidence in clear boundaries....although this one i think may prevent abusive relationships it wont prevent attacks or assualts/gropings etc

I have stood up for myself in these situations a couple of times. It is bloody hard, as it involved crossing an invisible line that no-one wants to join you on the other side of.
Once, I was on a bus coming back from a party at university, and a male student took the seat next to me and started touching me - thighs, then crotch. There were no other seats. My friends were also on the bus.
After telling the guy a couple of times to get off me, I snarled "Touch me again, and I'm going to harm you physically." He stuck his hand in my crotch again, so I head-butted him.
He left me alone, but no-one who saw what had happened tried to intervene, or even asked me if I was okay. To fight back is to cast aside part of what we think of as femininity, and it genuinely scares people. If you fight back, nine times out of ten, it is a lone struggle.

oh...and if dds are going to wear heels (and it is looking that way) then they will always have flats in their bag to come home in

sorry clanger x-posted...well done, that was brave. i can imagine exactly what you mean about it not being very feminine

it almost has to be a reflex response doesnt it...that is what we should condition our dds to do...if you think about it too much you wont do it

i really think for things to change...it has to be parents of boys, which make the difference...

TheOnlyPersonInTheRoom, It's so often not strangers that are the ones who do the bad stuff, is it. Family, teachers, colleagues... Hope you are ok.

I remember seeing a man verbally (and looked on the verge of physically) abusing his girlfriend outside a crowded bar. One person said something. It was the friend of my friend, who stood about five one and maybe weighed 95 pounds. Maybe.

He said something like "no one asked you bitch" and leaned down in very threatening manner toward the friend-of-friend. We were screaming for the bouncer but she just knocked him square in the jaw and took off running. He was completely shocked,as were we.

She told us later that she grew up with big rough brothers who taught her to fight early on, since she was so tiny. The man at the bar seemed thoroughly, completely nasty but I do like to think he'd think twice now...

I started a new job in a big plant. I was about 28 and was being trained by an older man. He took me to tea break and I was sitting in room at a table of men, me the only woman. One guy started talking about blow jobs, it was my first day and with all these men whom I had never met before, some were old enough to be my father. No-one said anything, including me. They were a nice bunch of guys and I became quite close to some of them. To this day, I can't stand the one who talked of BJ and tried to humiliate me. I'm furious with myself for not tackling him in front of them all, strange but that incident left more of an effect than all of the gropings, even the more serious ones where I was jumped by a group of guys and groped and kissed and pushed about. It least with some of those I took control and fought back and was very vocal. It's the sneaky or sometimes even blatant attempts to humiliate and bully verbally and where I didn't feel strong enough to say anything that really stick with me and still get to me all these years later.

Well done Clanger!

I was talking to DH about this last night. I worked in PR in the 80s, some of it quite glamorous with travel/celebs etc and I said I thought I had never been sexually harassed, til DH pointed out the time a completely naked (male) minor celeb I was working with appeared in my hotel room one night. Nothing happened, I just told the git that he must have got the wrong room and off he went.

I didnt feel harassed by it because my company was mostly women, and I knew I would have received full back-up if I had chosen to say anything.

I think perhaps that gave me extra confidence?

Just pointed out to a family member that the photos he keeps liking on Facebook are completely inappropriate. (Scantily clad women).

Asked him how he'd feel if it were either of his daughters in the photos.

He just replied "I'll consider myself told off shall I?"

I think that men don't like it to be pointed out that their behaviour is unacceptable as that puts them into a category with sad men who perve at women.

Ah well, tough luck I'm afraid!

YANBU OP. I actually wonder how many decent folk there are in the world. If a guy is not cheating on you, he is looking at porn or paying for sex. Including well educated, seemingly respectable guys with their nice big homes and oblivious perfect wives/family. Have you heard of adultwork.com ? I have thanks to my ex hubbys indiscretions. That website is quite frankly shocking and disturbing. The world is a sick, sick place.

I was groped on numerous occasions in night clubs

I was groped at a gig. It was scary as I was alone and he was persistent.

An ex BF tried to rape me.

I had my bum pinched on a few occasions by a colleague. When I complained to my manager he blamed me because of the way I spoke to the men. I was only 18, and funny enough only that twat took my chat the wrong way.

Stalked by an ex.

I have to say, when I was younger and more naive, trusting and sometimes had probably too much to drink I put myself in many situations with guys I barely knew or had just met, sometimes went back to theirs for coffee or went quite far with foreplay type behaviour, slept in the same bed. With the guys I chose to go with, they all tended to respect my boundaries and when I said no to sex and had already made it clear it was not an option, accepted it. It was the idiots in the streets or in night clubs etc who were the pests and assaulted me with no encouragement. I like to think there are still a lot of good guys out there who would never push the boundaries in an unacceptable way.

West Mids Police New Campaign

Interesting quote:

Detective Chief Superintendent Simon Hyde, who leads the team of officers who investigate sexual assaults, said: ?Much of the time offenders don?t even realise what they?ve done is a crime and are almost delusional about what has happened."

Glad to see the focus on offenders.

Me too, i have commented on their page to say well done and it's long overdue, giving the link for here.

Oh good. Thanks, Things.

If DCS Simon Hyde is looking at this, I think your phrase 'almost delusional about what happened' is very important.

Totally agree and i hope it goes nationwide and not just West Midlands..

At ages 15 - 21 groped pretty much every weekend at the local nightclub. The worse experience there was when a group of 'men' were hanging around the ladies toilets and all of them assaulted each and every woman who went into the toilets. It was a good weekend when no one touched me.

At 17 my boyfriend waited until I was asleep before assaulting me. I woke up during it and he moved his hand, turned over and ignored me.

At 18 attempted rape by a man who knew people in the group I hung about with. He groped me, put his hand over my mouth and tried to push me into a doorway. Luckily another man on a motorbike had driven past, not like what he had seen and came back. He shouted, chased after him and made sure I got home safely. There are good men about, he was my guardian angel.

At 21, 22, 23 I was in a relationship where my 'boyfriend' raped me and bullied me into sex I don't know how many times.

I have 2 daughters and I'm terrified about the world I've brought them into.

Not making any excuses AT ALL about Jimmy saville but I can't help thiking that he was probably no better or worse than many other sick jokes of manhood at the time.

A lot of very deluded men actually think we women love it, and when we say no we really mean yes. A few years ago, I was on holiday with a group of singles, 4 women aged 50s-85, and one man 84. I was in the lift with him once, and as I exited the lift with him behind me, I was startled, but bemused, when he pinched my bottom !! I was not offended, but the next year, a very attractive man in his 50s, was in the lift with me and a lady friend, and as he got out before us, he placed an arm round our waists and gave us a peck on the cheek, but with me, the younger, he slid his hand down to one buttock and squeezed it. I was horrified and humiliated as his intentions were very clear, and he actually thought I was up for it. I was also upset to think I had given him that impression.

When I was a young teenager 15-17, the dirty old men brigade were drawn like a magnet to me, exposing was the thing in those days, and the touching and subtle rubbing of their knees against mine on public transport. Although, once I had knitted myself a tight dress and was standing on the underground escalator, when a man came running up the side of me and stopped just to whisper in my ear what a lovely little bum I had, and then moved on. I was quite flattered. No touching !!!!!!