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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel that most females have been the victim of some kind of sexual abuse?

638 replies

SoleSource · 05/10/2012 14:46

AIBU?

I was very nearly raped by a taxi driver. Also my cries of NO have been ignored on a couple of occasions.

OP posts:
Makingmama · 05/10/2012 17:24

When I was 14 I was home alone in the afternoon. A 19yo or so male who lived on an estate close to our home knocked on our door, I answered and he forced his way into the house and started kissing/groping me and dragging me upstairs Sad I was quite literally terrified. I was shouting at him, begging no, telling him that my dad was just at the shop next door etc. I don't know what changed his mind - if he realised that maybe my dad would walk in any second, maybe...but he just walked out then...I never told anyone and never have until now. I wish I'd had the courage to tell my parents.

When I was 16 I was working late at a hotel about 5min walk from my house. Left there about 11pm to walk home. As soon as I was outside of the back of the hotel another 16yo boy I had known of at school was walking past and decided to grab me and drag be down the side of an alley into a dark car park. He started kissing/groping me Sad and trying to undo my belt/trousers...I was frozen in fear. I think someone must have come by or something but he suddenly decided to stop his attempted rape and ran off. I was terrified (again!) A woman from work called me a taxi to take me home as I told her i didn't want to call the police Hmm

When I was 19 there was a party being held in the shared house I lived in. I was drugged and raped.

I have started thinking about this all a lot more this year (now being a monther of 2 ds's and 1 dd)...it is very disturbing. I don't feel I would be believed if I told someone that all of this had happened to me.

I will bring my dc's up to respect people's boundaries and that NO means NO!!!

PeshwariNaan · 05/10/2012 17:26

I was groped at church by someone who was visiting when I was 11 - it was really bizarre. They'd been in the audience for the feelgood musical we'd just finished. I never told anyone.

cbeebiesatemybrain · 05/10/2012 17:26

Yanbu, its only now that I'm older and have 2 dcs of my own that I can look back at lots of incidents in my past and see that they were not right. My boss gave me a lift home one night after work, invited himself in and refused to leave until I showed him my boobs. I pretended my dad had just woken up and would go batshit if he found him there, he scarpered pretty quickly after that and I just thought it was a minor annoyance, I was only 16 ffs! A colleague later complained about him sexually harassing her after he did something similar to her. There were loads of raised eyebrows and tuts about that because it was just his way apparently, he was just the comedy pervert Hmm and every female in that place had a story to tell about him.

Also one night I was "accused" of being a lesbian by a friend of a friend because I wasn't interested in sleeping with him. That night I slept at the mutual friends house while a few others carried on drinking downstairs. I woke up to find him in the bed with his hand in my knickers! I shouted at him to leave and he persisted for a few more minutes before leaving while shouting at me that I was frigid, gay, nothing special anyway and various other insults Angry. I sort of just shrugged it off and thought he was a cunt but now I think wtf?! I would be horrified if that happened to my dd!

GoldShip · 05/10/2012 17:28

Defo

When I was younger (15?) we used to go drinking in a house with some girls we knew. Her dad would come and give us coke.

I slept the house one night and he got into bed with me in the middle of the night. :( trying to touch me and saying 'ill give you anything you want'

Never spoke about it before actually. Not something I like to remember.

GoldShip · 05/10/2012 17:29

Some horrible stories in here. Feel so sorry that women have been through stuff like this :(.

Hope every single one of you are ok x

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 05/10/2012 17:34

I've never been raped, but I have been sexually abused more than once and had unwelcome attention at work, and had to fight off a man that I believe would have raped me. I also think I had a drink spiked once, although I can't prove it either way I hate to think of what could have happened if I hadn't had friends around.

It's not from reading MN that I realised how common this is, I always just thought it was something to do with me.

MotherOfSuburbia · 05/10/2012 17:34

I have never experienced this and, of the people I know who I am close enough that they would tell me, the majority have not experienced it either. I'd like to believe that this is the norm but obviously there's no way to tell.

So sorry for people who have had terrible experiences. There is never any excuse for this kind of behaviour.

chipsandmushypeas · 05/10/2012 17:38

I think we need to teach our dds to speak up if anyone violates them, but also teach them it is wrong if someone does something they don't like, give them the confidence to tell someone.

GoldShip · 05/10/2012 17:39

Defo chipsandmushy. I knew I should have done, but never did because I know my (step)dad would be in jail still now if I had.

VeritableSmorgasbord · 05/10/2012 17:41

I've had experiences which I have laughed at with friends, but which were abusive in a sexual context - I learned from them and don't consider that I've been attacked or anything, but they are a grey area.
Many of my friends have too. We laughed a lot about useless men and how stupid we were around them.
Then we had kids, I suppose, and grew older, and realised where the men were coming from.

chipsandmushypeas · 05/10/2012 17:42

Yy same re stepdad. When I'm out, I feel very aware of people near me and I'm always ready for a man to do something violating i.e touch bum etc which is terrible in itself

chandellina · 05/10/2012 17:47

Yanbu, I was groped at 10 by a boy my age, flashed at 11, harassed by boys at school at 13 and lots and lots of street harassment when living in new york city. I consider all that pretty mild though and in a way it's just part of life.

Boys and men have their own issues too, most I know have had fights started or other violence inflicted on them.

GoldShip · 05/10/2012 17:47

Ill just add that I don't mean my stepdad did anything to me, I meant he'd have seriously hurt the man who tried to. (I re-read and realised it could be misconstrued)

ZeldaUpNorth · 05/10/2012 17:47

I haven't read all the replies, but I am one of the very lucky ones who has never had any unwanted advances. But I am a very private person, dont have many friends, dont go out much so that is probably the reason.

I think about my childhood and i used to go places with my friends dad (with my parents permission-they didnt know him particularly well) and he used to take me in his friends houses and so much could of went on, but luckily it was all innocent. I would never let my dd's do that ( i was about 8-9)

I'm really shocked at how many women have had to go through that and I feel so sad for them, and hope they can still have a good, happy life regardless.

chipsandmushypeas · 05/10/2012 17:50

Ah! Yes I thought you meant that gold

defineme · 05/10/2012 17:57

YANBU because it happens everywhere.
However, I've never had an unwanted sexual advance beyond an embarrassing wolf whistle/saw a flasher but was with my Mum/large group of friends and didn't feel any fear-just 'how tragic you saddo'towards the bloke. I've always put it down to being tall and intimidating looking, but I imagine it's just luck.

Original poster
SoleSource · 05/10/2012 18:02

Just awful, sad stories. I hope they get their commeuppace :(

OP posts:
hippermiddleton · 05/10/2012 18:03

Reading this has really opened my eyes, in a sad way. I can honestly say I've never endured any sort of unwanted sexual advance, or been flashed at or groped, or harrassed - any exploration with boyfriends was always mutual. Clearly I've been lucky, or just led a very sheltered life.

CwtchesAndCuddles · 05/10/2012 18:08

I'm another of the lucky ones thank God.

TheBigJessie · 05/10/2012 18:08

I've mostly led a lucky life, with a few blips here and there.

I'll relate the weirdest one.

Now, to give the background, I was home-educated, and didn't know anything about sex except the biological mechanics until I was 15. Very important detail.

When I was 12, I was on my own in a supermarket queue one particular day. There was a man behind me, who kept pressing his crotch to my bottom. When I moved forward in the queue, so did he, and he regained his position against my bottom.

At the time, I simply had no idea that there could be a sexual dimension to his actions. I thought it was odd, and thought he must be doing it by accident. I just pretended it wasn't happening, in the same way I would have done if he'd been repeatedly stepping on my foot, because I didn't want to embarrass him. I really wish I'd known about sexual activity back then.

pigletmania · 05/10/2012 18:12

I thank my lucky stars I have never been abused in any way. Sad for those of you that have

CouthyMowWearingOrange · 05/10/2012 18:15

Raped at 4yo. As soon as I grew breasts (was 28E by 14yo), daily gropings in school and out, was raped again at 15yo, every time I went into a nightclub I would be groped, had bosses threaten to sack me if I didn't sleep with them, raped repeatedly within an abusive relationship, propositioned frequently even now, often while doing innocuous things like shopping, taxi drivers often, it's constant tbh.

The only difference now is that I won't accept it and that I challenge it each and every time.

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 05/10/2012 18:15

Another person here who was snapped at by a police woman about what I was wearing when reporting a rape. I'd been wearing jeans and a big hoodie for 'the incident' so she was talking utter shite. I wish sooooo badly I hadn't gone. She made me feel worse than my attacker did. Set me back badly.

Was also groped in the street by a group of French tourists. Cunts.

Numerous older men in nursing homes I've worked in too.

bubalou · 05/10/2012 18:16

I'm very lucky to have never experienced any of the awful things and I'm very sorry for all of you that have.

I literally can't think of anything. I've had the odd jerk touch my arse in a night club but nothing that a quick slap in the face or kick in the crotch didn't sort out. Smile

LineRunner · 05/10/2012 18:19

Another one of the unlucky ones, here, too.

But I suspect we are in the vast majority. Conditioned to be unspeaking.