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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset by this comment about my child (and any advice while I'm at it)

65 replies

smeraldina · 02/10/2012 10:29

Background for this is that I have a very spirited three year old DS who is going through a high tantrum period - often involving resistance to walking - and who is waking up at around 5.40am so is tired by 9am. Also have a one year old. Second day in new job today.
Decided to take children for a walk before work. Considered walking on foot with both of them as 1 year old has just started to walk. Then reflected that DS was at a tipping point mood-wise so put them in the double buggy.
At front door, normally lovely elderly neighbour stopped to chat. DS noticed a spider. I picked him out of buggy and put him down in the garden to look at it more closely. Neighbour said 'His legs are going to atrophy in a moment'. This is the second such 'snide' comment of this nature.
I dissolved into tears in front of the neighbour.
Hideous weekend of tantrums, so much so that I started to either wonder if DS has some sort of ASD - or if I should give up work (my dream job). I would love DS to walk/run more. He will when he is in the mood. However, it took me 40 minutes to get him to walk a 2 minute stretch the other day and I had to get a stranger to carry DD while I gave him a fireman's lift for the last stretch as it was pouring with rain.
Any advice/sympathy welcome. Not quite sure why I've posted in AIBU as I'm not feeling particularly resilient....!

OP posts:
Ithinkitsjustme · 02/10/2012 10:31

Sorry, no advice but hugs (thought I'd get in before you get pilloried! Grin) Thanks

WorraLiberty · 02/10/2012 10:32

Ahh bugger that, I'd bung them in the buggy any day rather than bring on that sort of stress before a day at work.

Ignore your neighbour, there's always someone in the street who'll know everything about everything.

Smile, nod, walk past and swear in your mind...big cunty swear words!

Diddydollydo · 02/10/2012 10:35

Aw you sound exhausted Sad. Just ignore, ignore, ignore. People love to make comments on other people's children but they have no idea what goes on in your life so don't let them get to you.

JammySplodger · 02/10/2012 10:35

You have my sympathy! Not sure I have much advice but would having a purpose to the walk help? E.g. taking a little paper bag and looking for leaves to stick onto paper at home (might also slow it up thinking about it).

If it helps, 'going for a walk' means completely different things to me and DH compared to our two DSs, who take it as - going to look for things to climb / jump in / investigate with no interest in covering any distance whatsoever.

JammySplodger · 02/10/2012 10:36

Oh and ignore your silly neighbour, she obviously doesn't know what she;'s talking about.

Alurkatsoftplay · 02/10/2012 10:37

Goodness please don't worry about silly comments like that! You sound lovely especially getting him down to see the spider. That's sweet. He is only three I'm sure he spends all day running around.

Good luck with your job- only advice would be to ignore parenting advice!

Alurkatsoftplay · 02/10/2012 10:37

(not all advice obviously)

Original poster
smeraldina · 02/10/2012 10:37

Thank you thank you. Helpful to share this.
Will try and do some work now and try and practice swearing rather than crying as it is less exhausting. x

OP posts:
katykuns · 02/10/2012 10:37

I had comments like that with my DD, who when tired, would just tantrum like mad until I put her in the buggy. I don't care what anyone says, you just don't need the extra work when they are in that phase of tantrumming for basically no reason.
If we were going anywhere that required a fairly large amount of walking, I would take our little fold up buggy and take it with us. She had a few stints in it up to about 4 years. She is now 6, and will walk miles without complaint.

Funnily enough, its usually child-less 'friends' with their 'helpful' input that usually said stuff, or much older people Hmm

Iheartpasties · 02/10/2012 10:38

your neighbour can take a running jump. Poor you - you must've been feeling pretty bad to just start crying. I hope it will work itself out for you. sorry no advice.

flyoverthegoldenhill · 02/10/2012 10:41

Wot ! She is a silly old cow ! Ignore her ! Your dc's sound exactly like everyone elses. Good luck in your job

yellowkite · 02/10/2012 10:42

Ignore the neighbour and anyone else who feels the need to make snide comments. They generally don't really mean it/don't know what they're talking about.

And for your 3 year old I think we all go through that awful phase of tantrums and generally being difficult. I'd just say make sure you've got your routine and boundaries in place, always talk to him and tell him what's coming next, I always get down to ds eye level and say well we're going to do 'x' now so I expect you to do 'y' ok? No means no, ignore, ignore, ignore, choose your battles if he's strong willed.

BikeRunSki · 02/10/2012 10:43

DS is equally spirited and was just the same at 3 (has just turned 4). Got lots of remarks when I got a p&t double when DD was born last year, but there was no way I was going to get him to nursery last winter otherwise. He has only reliably been walking everywhere for about 6 months.

When I was expecting DD and wondering if I'd need a double, a friend with the same age difference between her DDs said, " when the 3 yo is tantruming, the baby is crying and you just have to get out, you'll really need it. DS is tall and too big for the double seat now, but for 6 months last year it was a Godsend.

Ignore your neighbour, he sounds like he was being deliberately obtuse. I bet there would be no comments if you drove your DC everywhere.

porcamiseria · 02/10/2012 10:43

double buggy

hang on in there XXXX

Numberlock · 02/10/2012 10:46

Sympathy from me too, smeraldina. I also had a very spirited 3-year-old and was sick to death of comments like this, even from his nursery who would take great delight in pointing out the 'problem' and offering fuck all in the way of solutions. I also ended up in frustrated tears on a couple of occasions. Before removing him to a fantastic childminder who completely 'got' him.

He is now 14 and looking back I wish I'd told them in no uncertain terms what I thought. Hindsight eh.

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 02/10/2012 10:46

put him in the buggy and sod the rest of them.

she is an ignorant bugger who does not know about hidden disabilities. some children just don't walk. no cajoling persuasion, discipline gets them to walk. ds is one. dd can be jollied along, ds can't. he occasionally goes in the buggy at 4 as I am not capable of carrying him, and holding dd's hand (hypermobile)

we have one who has an opinion on potty training!

if you are worried about his behaviour, go see your gp and start the process moving. it is a long process. at least you can say he is getting assessed when people get arsy.

oh and I remember being really upset when he kicked off several times in church/playgroup/library/school assembly/at home. things have improved now.

PostBellumBugsy · 02/10/2012 10:48

Grrrrrrr at your neighbour! Don't think about her for another second.

Sounds like you have alot on & it is pushing you to your coping limit. If you have a DP / OH could he help out a bit?

Small children are exhausting & can be so contrary about when they are up for walking & when they want to remain glued to their buggy. I know it probably doesn't seem that way now, but it will all pass. Before you know it you DS will be surgically attached to his scooter or bike or adamant he is going to walk everywhere. Whatever phase he is going through right now, it won't last long. Hugs to you.

OddBoots · 02/10/2012 10:49

My brother was just like your ds - he grew out of it, don't worry.

My own dd used to moan like crazy about walking if it was along pavements but would go wild in a park or forest and you should have seen her run when she was trying to fly a kite - children see things differently and you definitely need to pick your battles and make life as easy as you can for yourself if you have just started a new job.

HaggisMcNeeps · 02/10/2012 10:51

You really do sound lovely. Next time just say to your neighbour that you can't do everything at a 3 year olds pace!

bowerbird · 02/10/2012 10:55

You sound knackered and have my sympathy. But I disagree with other posters, I think your DS needs exercise (if only to encourage a better sleep pattern) and would resist the dump-them-in-the-buggy.

At the risk of stating the obvious, what about a scooter for the 3 year old?

LimeLeafLizard · 02/10/2012 10:57

You sound knackered - can I get you a Brew?

I've noticed it is often older people who make comments about children needing to walk more, so perhaps partly a generational thing. But like all unhelpful advice, just ignore.

I think the fact that you cried suggests that you are a bit overwhelmed with the pressures of working, being a good parent to both your children etc. Do you have a way to let off steam in RL? A night out with friends, a gym session etc.

missymoomoomee · 02/10/2012 10:57

Tell your neighbour to go and fuck herself. It totally baffles me when people feel the need to wade in and make comments like this.

If I was in your shoes this morning I wouldn't have even taken them out, I would have been far too lazy knackered after getting up at that hour, so you are already SuperMum. It is so hard when they go through relentless phases of tantrums, if you feel its more than a phase then please go to your doctor, and try and get some rest too.

LimeLeafLizard · 02/10/2012 10:59

YY to scooter - DS2 is not a great walker and it has been a godsend. They aren't great in crowded places but along a quiet street double our speed. Child needs to be capable of handling it though.

dysfunctionalme · 02/10/2012 10:59

Your neighbour is horrible. Why are people so horrible? Doesn't everyone know that parenting is bloody difficult, can't they part with the odd kindness? Please ignore her.

cestlavielife · 02/10/2012 10:59

is he at nursery while you work ?

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