to be upset by this comment about my child (and any advice while I'm at it)

[smeraldina]

Background for this is that I have a very spirited three year old DS who is going through a high tantrum period - often involving resistance to walking - and who is waking up at around 5.40am so is tired by 9am. Also have a one year old. Second day in new job today.
Decided to take children for a walk before work. Considered walking on foot with both of them as 1 year old has just started to walk. Then reflected that DS was at a tipping point mood-wise so put them in the double buggy.
At front door, normally lovely elderly neighbour stopped to chat. DS noticed a spider. I picked him out of buggy and put him down in the garden to look at it more closely. Neighbour said 'His legs are going to atrophy in a moment'. This is the second such 'snide' comment of this nature.
I dissolved into tears in front of the neighbour.
Hideous weekend of tantrums, so much so that I started to either wonder if DS has some sort of ASD - or if I should give up work (my dream job). I would love DS to walk/run more. He will when he is in the mood. However, it took me 40 minutes to get him to walk a 2 minute stretch the other day and I had to get a stranger to carry DD while I gave him a fireman's lift for the last stretch as it was pouring with rain.
Any advice/sympathy welcome. Not quite sure why I've posted in AIBU as I'm not feeling particularly resilient....!

There is an old saying that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all

Your neighbour could do to be reminded of it.

Take not a jot of notice.

OP, I also have a 3yo DS and just 1yo DD. I chuck DS in the double buggy so I can get more than 100m without a pavement tantrum or escape attempt into the road. Had a few snidey comments at toddler group but you know what they can quite frankly do one. Do what you need to do to get through the day. As my (very lovely) MIL says, they won't be doing it when they are 15 so don't worry.

Both of mine did this (DS is midway through it at the moment). I have back problems so couldn't carry him and when DD was doing it I had baby DS so my options were limited.

The only thing that helped me was 'walking boot camp' where we went out every day for a very short walk but with no time limit. I started with a walk to the postbox at the end of our road. Lots of praise for good walking and total ignoring of silly behaviour. Because we didn't have to be anywhere I could relax a bit and ignore the really annoying stuff. We built this up over several weeks until I could trust DD to walk sensible distances without a meltdown. At all other times we used the buggy. She is now 5. Her legs did not atrophy. I didn't have to sit on the high street and cry (often). Ignore all comments.

I think your neighbour probably had the best intentions as I would imagine parenting was very different when she had a 3yo! Just smile and nod and keep putting him in the buggy. He's only three, he's only had 36 or so months on the planet, that's still a baby in the grand scheme of things.

He's three for goodness sake! And he has a one-year-old brother/sister. Of course he has tantrums and of course he wants to go in his buggy - his baby brother/sister is in there after all. Don't beat yourself up. You'd been up since 5.30am and you have a new job to go to - no wonder you burst into tears. Remember the MN mantra - this too will pass. In the meantime lots of hugs.

I used to tell people that ds was in the buggy for my benefit not his. It was much easier for me to watch all of them of ds (most likely to run) was strapped in.

Just checking in (at work...feeling a bit more composed). No tea making facilities in the vicinity so thank you for the virtual one! Neighbour is really a lovely man, no children, lives alone. I think he just has a preconception that a child of DS's age (and DS is also a tall child) should be frolicking merrily around the streets and meadows and collecting nature samples. Not sitting in his buggy and bonking his sister over the head with a foam Mike the Knight sword. DS is in nursery some days and with nanny on others. But guilt level for returning to work is just running high. Phone DM on the way to work who has offered to come and help but she also highlighted the fact that 3 to 5 years is a key psychological stage with the not quite tacit message that it is not totally impossible that I should consider giving up the job I have worked for all my adult life...which made me feel a bit wobby/desperately conflicted. So your messages of Keep Calm and Carry on are immensely appreciated.
I will consider the walking boot camp idea - it will have to be timed at a good point in the day - which is never mornings or evenings - and I am at work in the middle. We have a scooter but he has a perfectionist streak and when it doesn't go perfectly he becomes very cross (if tired) and then we have a tantrum - sigh...
Back to work x

Please don't relate the walking thing to the work thing.

They aren't the same.

He's 3. We had to start a training regime with the scooter in the holidays when ds was 4 so I could get him to walk to school. He sounds normal normal normal.

The ony thing I will suggest is when you have a lot of time get him to walk to the sweet shop in his own time. Then he will be keen to go, to get a treat ( if not sweets then magazine or something). You will see he can walk but is choosing not to because its not what he wants to do.

You can build up to walking to places he doesn't want to go as he gets older :)

And don't feel bad about work, that's nothing to do with this

I just had to google to find what atrophy meant ...your neighbour was being insensitive and you are as you say a little fragile after a lousy weekend ....it doesnt last you know...you trade tantrums about walking into tantrums about food/tv/shoes right up until body piercings and alcohol ...the sooner we parents get used to this the sooner life gets easier lol...youll never stop worrying about the next milestone so accept it ...flick a v at your neighbours back then get on back to business with a sparky 3year old ...sparky kids are great!

Hi can I just say I thought most byggts were designed for children up to age 4. I still let my 4 year old go in the double when I'm having a bad day and need some added control (and 5 minutes quiet time). He's hypermobile so can sometimes need a lot of encouragement and I don't always have the energy for it or time if in a rush!

He is also wearing himself (and you!) out with the tantrums, and so is getting plenty of alternative exercise as well, IYSWIM. My 2 would not walk far at all when they were 3 if it was doing "boring" things such as going down the street, shopping etc, and so to get the everyday tasks done, so, yes, they went in a buggy. Put them in a park, with play equipment, ducks to chase, and things to explore, tho, and they ran around like mad things. As is commonly said on Mnet- Pick your battles- he is not going to lose the use of his legs, I can guarentee that, oh and have some to go with the

I would of held him out and said here you go love you take him for a walk and watch her run a mile

DD just turned 3 hates the buggy, insists on walking everywhere and has a tantrum when she sees that I'm still taking the buggy with me but after taking half hour to do the normal 5 min walk to the park, her legs are so tired she begs to get in the buggy on way back

You are doing the right thing. I didnt get a double buggy (eldest was 2 years 8 mths when baby born.) In reality all it meant was that instead of taking them for walks in the buggy as i had done with just one, I drove them to places so eldest could run around while i sat on my arse and ate cake. I put on 2 stone after younger one born (sleep deprivation probably contributed.) So for the sake of your waist line, use the double buggy i say! You could reply to your neighbour with a simple Miranda style "Rude!" and then carry on chatting as normal.

I'm actually very grateful for this thread as I have a DGC who is very similar!
So ignore silly comments OP and do what works for you.

No pressure then smeraldina! Not really very helpful comment from your DM. Every flipping stage a baby/child goes through is developmentally important - if you are going down that route. It sounds as though your children have a good support network: they have you, they have a nanny, they have your DM, they have nursery. Lots of familiar faces & lots of social contact. Sounds like you are trying really hard to do the best for them, and that they are perfectly normal & healthy DCs. So, resist the implied criticisms & digs from other people. To help you put it in perspective, your children are probably some of the most priviliged in the world!!!!

Do you have an OH/DP by the way? What does he think?

What about a balance bike? My ds never really liked scooters but loved the balance bike at this age.

Ignore all 'well meaning' comments!!!

I had this when doing the school run, big ones walking the mile each way trip two little ones in double buggy. Loads of the mums commenting on how big dd1(2years) looked in the buggy. My reply was that at least I was walking the short distance to school that most of them drove.
My friend passed on to me a 'Bibi buggy strolli seat' (google it as I can't do linky things!!!!) she is now three and she loves it, no one has said anything but what an amazing bit of kit it is. I still use my double when it is pouring down and don't give a stuff what other people think!!!

I have a 3.6 year old DD who will race to beat the 22 month old DD to the single buggy every time. I usually take the double buggy if I'm going any distance and always for a long walk/ out to the zoo etc.

DD1 is also at the grumpy/tantrum/shouty/sulky stage. I think there's a lot going on in both her head and with her body growing. She seems to have mini-regressions and I'm letting her get on with it. She went back to having a dummy (having stolen DD2's in the night) but is off it now again. She wants her night milk in a bottle and as long as she brushes her teeth thoroughly afterwards I'm letting her. The buggy is another backwards step.

If questioned about it (which is rare as I think I come across as confident to other people) I breezily say 'Oh it's just a phase. She's taking a few steps back at the moment - I think it's to get a run-up to jump to the next phase. You know how you have to get a run-up to do a decent jump'.

Ignore silly comments from people who are looking at the world through a long distance, rose-tinted, telescope.

Another few words of support from me!

My DS is only 2 but going through a very varied stage when it comes to walking: sometimes he loves it and will do it happily, sometimes ... well let me just give yesterday for example, it took us about 20 mins to get 500 metres down the road, then I just couldn't make it any further (34 weeks pregnant) with all the standing around/trying to carry a kicking screaming toddler, and had to call my DP who was sick in bed to come and help me!

I can well imagine that there will be times with the new baby when I just have to put DS in the buggy because I am absolutely bloody exhausted and cannot face the possibility of having to carry him (plus will probably have new baby in the sling anyway), not to mention having less time as need to rush around between feeds! If anyone dares to make a rude comment about it, I can assure you that they will live to regret it!

Another good comeback is, "Oh yes, I was a much better parent too, before I had children!" Used that once with a good friend, he took it as intended (teasingly pointing out that he had no experience in that area whatsoever) & we all had a good laugh; anyone who is offended by it can go and do one. Parenting is not always as easy as it looks!

OP this is what cattle prods were designed for

I have a wilful three year old - if we didn't have several double buggies we'd only ever be able to go out when we were both at home. DD has only JUST started walking reliably to nursery, which is five minutes away from the house. I tried to take her for a walk in the park with some friends a few days ago and she screamed, howled, clung onto my legs, insisted on being carried (I had eighteen month old DS on my back at the time), yelled 'pushchair' and basically made us go back home while my NCT pals (from DS so only have eighteen month olds and don't understand the 'joys' of two and three year olds) looked askance at us. I would have been very upset too, but honestly, it will get better. Just use the damn pushchair. Nobody else has to live your life but you, so do your best to ignore snide comments. In five years, nobody will care when your children stopped using the pushchair, although if DS is still in it by then, I might look at you funny ;)

Ignore the silly comments OP! I'm sorry you are having a rough time.

I had the same type of comment of a nursery worker of all people. I have a nearly 4yr old and a 2yr old and I take them in a double buggy to nursery in the morning. A few months ago (when DS was just gone 3) she said that he really should be walking at that age. I told her I walk for 30mins briskly for work/nursery (next to each other) and I was in a rush in the morning.
I bet she doesn't say this type of comment to kids who get dropped off by car at the door of the nursery. At least one of us is walking!

At nearly 4yrs DS still goes in the buggy to nursery in the morning. He is very good on his scooter, but even then he will stop to look at stuff on the road, stop and stare at building work for ages (we live in a city so plenty of things interesting to look at for DS), and I just can't afford to be late for work in the morning and I don't need that stress in the morning. And DD, 2yr gets fidgety and wanting to get out of the buggy if I don't just keep going fast with it. and then she wants to get out and he is scootering and it all gets very stressful. In the morning, I just want to bung them both in the double buggy and run to work! No difference from people ferrying kids around in a car. My buggy IS my car!
DS sometimes scooters on the way back home from nursery and on the days that I don't work he scooters everywhere and never sits in a pram. He scoots miles and miles on our days off so I don't feel any guilt in using the double buggy on nursery days.

Ahhh fuck 'em.

You know what? We took DS for a walk in his buggy the other night, as a treat - it's been in the shed for the last year and a half but before that was still getting regular use up to nursery etc. He's nearly 5!

Exercise doesn't have to mean shouting them along the street - there's kicking about a ball, soft play, trampolining, going to the park - all much better fun. There is no need to force a 3 year old to walk along the street when they don't want to and you have an easier alternative - pick your battles.

Re the tantrums, there's heading them off at the pass with diversions as a first recourse (like if it's I waaaannnnt thaaaat, ignore and derail rather than head-on collision iyswim). He's old enough for the naughty step, but read up on how to do it properly first, and bear in mind you'll need to apply it a few times (which can be stressful) before seeing results. That said, we did it and all I have to do now is start counting if the little guy begins to misbehave - if I get to 3 he knows he'll be taken to it.

For the sleep.... ummm... blackout blinds and a slightly later bedtime?

ANYWAY all your problems sound perfectly normal, and it's a classic case of your mother blaming you for not being a SAHM, which is bollocks. Do what I do when my parenting is criticised by my parents. Smile and nod, inwardly remind yourself of the myriad ways in which they cocked up, and do what YOU think is best.

YANBU, it is exhausting when they're reluctant walkers. My DS was very enthusiastic when he started to walk but it became a chore quite quickly and by about 3 my DP and I would be think of all these elaborate things to get him to walk into town. Where we lived was a parking zoned area so we would coax him further into town by getting him to press the big button on the machines that were scattered intermittently on our route into town. He enjoyed doing this because the machine made a noise. He would walk on walls if it was appropriate. TBH it was very tiresome and the reluctance was worse in the Autumn:winter weather- except if it was snowing which was unusual!

How old us your neighbour? My Dad is in his mid 60s and has told me that when he was a baby in the late 1940's children were expected to walk quite long distances at a young age as pushchairs didn't exist to transport 2/3 year olds. If he is very old he may just be coming from that perspective? Still rude to comment.