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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think its ok to go out with people of opposite sex?

52 replies

Geordieminx · 30/09/2012 17:28

Dp and I have been having a "discussion"

In the interests of fairness this discussion stems from a work colleague asking me to his hotel for a quick dinner after work (expenses). This colleauge is married, and probably at least 25 years older than me. He thought I was single. Dp thinks he is "after me" I disagree but hey ho.

Anyhow. I say that it's perfectly acceptable to go out for lunch/coffee with a friend/ work colleague no matter their age/sex/sexual orientation whatever.. If you are in a relationship then you have trust. It shouldn't matter who it is.

Dp reckons whilst its fine to have girl friends, and go out with female work mates, should it be a hetro male then this crosses a line, and isn't acceptable...

He suggested MN as the voice of reason, and reckons "I'll be surprised at the outcome".. I laughed.

So what do you think?

OP posts:

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly · 30/09/2012 17:37

His view is rubbish! Comes from the "When Harry Met Sally " school of relationships - and frankly sounds a bit controlling g. Does the converse apply - i.e. would he never go out with a female friend?

However the particular situation you outline would concern me though - why does your colleague think you are single? If I was with someone that was meeting a member of the opposite sex that thought he was single I would have concerns.

larks35 · 30/09/2012 17:38

YANBU the trust needs to be between you and your DP and it doesn't matter what others' intentions are, however wrt "This colleauge is married, and probably at least 25 years older than me. He thought I was single. Dp thinks he is "after me" I disagree but hey ho", I'm with your DP here.

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 30/09/2012 17:38

One of my closest friends is male.

My DP isn't worried and his DP isn't worried. DP also has close female friends but due to distance they mostly communicate online.

Quite frankly, if you don't trust your partner then you shouldn't be with them.

Your DP is being odd. What about you gay female friends? Where do they come in?

Go out with your colleague and have a lovely lunch....!

Shutupanddrive · 30/09/2012 17:38

Would you be happy if it was the other way around and it was Dp going out with a female colleague? If so YANBU. He either trusts you or he doesn't

MamaGeekChic · 30/09/2012 17:42

I eat/drink with male colleagues and customers all the time... I'd think DP was joking if he suggested there was anything 'unacceptable' about it!

Original poster

Geordieminx · 30/09/2012 17:43

Oh I would be totally fine with it. He has a very good friend that he had a fling with at school (15+ years ago) they are still in contact and it doesn't worry me in the slightest.

I am of the opinion that just because someone is of the opposite sex doesn't mean they want to jump you at the first opportunity or vice versa

OP posts:

Fairylea · 30/09/2012 17:45

Hmmm. I think it just totally depends on your relationship. Different things are acceptable for different people.

I know both dh and I wouldn't dream of going out alone with anyone of the opposite sex. It's just a no no for us. But that's probably because in previous relationships we have both been cheated on and left so perhaps it's reassuring to us not to do those sorts of things even if others find them ok.

GrimmaTheNome · 30/09/2012 17:45

I've often been out to dinner with work colleagues either if I was visiting one of our other offices or if they were visiting my local office. More often than not it would be a man (more men than women in my industry). Marital status is immaterial, its a work relationship.

No problem in professionals having a meal together.

The only point on which your DP is showing sense and that he lives in the 21st century is referring the matter to MN

WinklyFriedChicken · 30/09/2012 17:45

Your DP is being a bit daft. Its really not as if all men want to jump all women's bones. How would he feel about you socialising with a lesbian?

Original poster

Geordieminx · 30/09/2012 17:45

The colleague thought I was single as I knew I was in the process of divorce, and wasbt aware I was seeing anyone.. He knows now however as we were at a colleagues wedding.

OP posts:

airforceone · 30/09/2012 17:46

YABU

It's not a breach of trust to be aware you're only human. Remember Lord of the Rings?! Your DP isn't doubting you - he's just aware that romance/temptation has a way of striking unexpectedly. But for your DP to be comfortably proved right, he will have to suggest you go on a conservative religious website, not MN.

GrimmaTheNome · 30/09/2012 17:47

wouldn't dream of going out alone

Having dinner with a visiting colleague is not 'going out'

DilysPrice · 30/09/2012 17:51

Normally absolutely fine to go out with membersof opposite sex - however IMO this specific scenario, evening meal at his hotel for no real reason, is a bit "datey", and gets my normally snoozy spidey-senses tingling.

Flojo1979 · 30/09/2012 17:51

I also wouldn't do this. I don't think its worth the risk of putting temptation in the way.
The amount of threads on here where ppl have cheated with friends, colleagues etc when they least expected it is testament to that. Having said that, I think some ppl are more likely to cheat than others, but how could u possibly know if u r one of them til the opportunity arises.

DilysPrice · 30/09/2012 17:52

However, if the colleague is only in town for a short period of time then that's a bit different.

DilysPrice · 30/09/2012 17:53

.....and can't you eat somewhere else? Is there another restaurant in the area that you fancy trying?

TidyGOLDDancer · 30/09/2012 17:53

Your DP is being absolutely ridiculous. HTH.

Meow75isknittinglikemad · 30/09/2012 17:53

I spent some time in London over the summer (was there some big event on?! )

I was away for a number of weekends, and my DH was home alone for most of that time as he had 6 weeks' leave after 4 months in the Falklands.

One Friday night he drove two hours to see his mate, R. She is single, in her early 40's (DH is 36) and absolutely gorgeous. It never even crossed my mind that something might happen between them. They have a mutual hobby, and that's why he went. They got pissed and spent the evening talking about their hobby - and her truly dire love life, from what I can tell.

The next day she went to work, and he drove home.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 30/09/2012 17:56

YANBU. I'd be extremely pissed off if DP didn't trust me to go out with a male friend without jumping on him and I don't think anything of it when he goes out with female friends.

OP's DP - you need to sort your trust issues.

airforceone · 30/09/2012 17:57

That's great Meow, but nobody's saying infidelity is likely. On the other hand, we could all come up with examples where somebody's been silly and lived to regret it, but one anecdote wouldn't prove much.

Original poster

Geordieminx · 30/09/2012 17:58

The colleague is a red herring. That was ages ago, he said he wasn't happy, I didn't go.

We are kinda just talking hyperthectically now. Not that person, any person of the opposite sex iykwim?

OP posts:

AKissIsNotAContract · 30/09/2012 18:00

I've had a couple of experiences with men who I thought were my friends, confided in them about things and then they tried to shag me. I do think some men see befriending a woman as a route to a shag. But they are in the minority. The majority of men are capable of a platonic friendship with a woman. I do think your DP may have been correct about your colleague though.

Meow75isknittinglikemad · 30/09/2012 18:00

I spent some time in London over the summer (was there some big event on?! )

I was away for a number of weekends, and my DH was home alone for most of that time as he had 6 weeks' leave after 4 months in the Falklands.

The next day she went to work, and he drove home.

BrainSurgeon · 30/09/2012 18:01

YANBU
You sound comfortable going, and if you don't have any reasons to think there could be anything dubious, then your DP should trust that.

GrimmaTheNome · 30/09/2012 18:04

As I said, I've frequently had dinner with male colleagues, and I can't imagine any of them behaving other than professionally. (and not because I'm a dragon, I was a cute enough blonde!) . I think if that's your expectation, nothing untoward is likely to happen.

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