Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To think its ok to go out with people of opposite sex?

52 replies

Geordieminx · 30/09/2012 17:28

Dp and I have been having a "discussion"

In the interests of fairness this discussion stems from a work colleague asking me to his hotel for a quick dinner after work (expenses). This colleauge is married, and probably at least 25 years older than me. He thought I was single. Dp thinks he is "after me" I disagree but hey ho.

Anyhow. I say that it's perfectly acceptable to go out for lunch/coffee with a friend/ work colleague no matter their age/sex/sexual orientation whatever.. If you are in a relationship then you have trust. It shouldn't matter who it is.

Dp reckons whilst its fine to have girl friends, and go out with female work mates, should it be a hetro male then this crosses a line, and isn't acceptable...

He suggested MN as the voice of reason, and reckons "I'll be surprised at the outcome".. I laughed.

So what do you think?

OP posts:

Original poster

Geordieminx · 30/09/2012 18:04

I have told him angelina jolie nigella and kylie could come a knocking and he would be more than welcome to take them out for a pie and a pint,

OP posts:

Kalisi · 30/09/2012 18:05

There is no black and white answer really. It totally depends on your relationship with the person in question and the type of outing it is. My husband and I both have a great deal of trust in each other and each have friends of the opposite sex that we hang out with alone occasionally. However if either of us came home one day with 'there's this new guy/gal at work that I'm going out to dinner with I think we would both be perfectly entitled to respond with 'like hell you are!!"

Meow75isknittinglikemad · 30/09/2012 18:11

I apologise for my double post, I don't know why it did that.

airforceone We can only give our own life experiences. Mine are that fidelity is totally possible. If all a person reads is MN, they'd wonder if ANYONE'S DP/DH/DW if faithful.

JMHO.

eurochick · 30/09/2012 18:58

He's being ridiculous. I've frequently had dinner with male colleagues. In my line of work I often have to travel and stay in the same hotel as male colleagues. I have thus far managed to keep my hands to myself, and so have they.

One of my closest friends is male, and we go for drinks on average once a week, and dinner pretty frequently. Sometimes his wife, my husband or both will join, but often we just go alone.

Original poster

Geordieminx · 30/09/2012 19:05

See that's what I thought.

He also said he wouldn't be happy about me going on a course or whatever and staying in the sane hotel as a male colleague. Which in itself causes problems as I work in a very male dominated industry

OP posts:

AKissIsNotAContract · 30/09/2012 19:09

In that case he is being ridiculous.

GrimmaTheNome · 30/09/2012 19:25

He also said he wouldn't be happy about me going on a course or whatever and staying in the sane hotel as a male colleague.

I'd be pretty insulted if my DH said anything like that to me. It essentially indicates he sees you more as a sex object than as an adult with a profession. And that he thinks that your colleagues may see you that way too.

MsVestibule · 30/09/2012 19:29

I know it's an unfashionable view, but no, I wouldn't be happy if my DH started a friendship with a woman, or even just went out for a sociable drink. I trust him 99.9% (I honestly don't think it's possible to trust anybody 100% - everybody is capable of cheating) and whilst of course I wouldn't mind him meeting somebody in work context (he does have to travel on business), friendships with members of the opposite sex are a no-no for both of us.

Not saying I would be critical of anybody else who does have them, it just wouldn't work for us. And honestly, neither of us are in the slightest bit controlling/jealous.

Original poster

Geordieminx · 30/09/2012 19:31

I do feel insulted if I am honest.

I just can't see why he has a problem with me spending time alone by which of course I mean in a public bar/cafe whatever with anyone of the opposite sex

OP posts:

GrimmaTheNome · 30/09/2012 19:38

I am gobsmacked that anyone would rule out 50% of the population as potential friends based on gender.

blueshoes · 30/09/2012 20:30

I would not like the fact the dinner is at his hotel. Could you have a more neutral location, like near the office?

If your colleague had any intentions at all, your switching the location would make it clear(er) that you are not after that sort of distraction.

Dahlen · 30/09/2012 20:30

I have male friends and female friends (more female than male, but several male ones nonetheless).

The truth of the matter is that I could go out with a man who was head over heels in lust/love with me and if I wasn't interested nothing would happen.

It's down to trust. The question of whether men and woman can ever really have truly platonic relationships is a complete red herring.

In my opinion, however, they can. No one goes around wanting to shag every member of the opposite sex that they come across. Therefore, it's possible to have friends of the opposite sex who you don't want to shag. Sex may be the driving force behind humanity, but come on - there's an awful lot of life that doesn't revolve around it.

musicmadness · 30/09/2012 20:30

I'd be completely screwed if I had a partner with this opinion. Quite a lot of my friends are male and I am in a male dominated industry. On top of that I'm bisexual so following the logic that you shouldn't spend time alone with anyone that you could potentially ever be attracted to, I'd never be able to spend time with any friends one on one.

I think I'd be pretty insulted to if someone tried to control who I spend time with like that, I'd think they didn't trust me which would be horrible.

Original poster

Geordieminx · 30/09/2012 20:39

Dahlen.. That's exactly how I feel.

not that it makes any difference at all, but when I said "dinner" I meant tea at 5pm at the Brewers Fayre attached to the premier lodge he was staying because he gets a set meal allowance, not a candle lot table for 2 at the Savoy or anything But I didn't go anyway.

OP posts:

GrimmaTheNome · 30/09/2012 20:41

I would not like the fact the dinner is at his hotel. Could you have a more neutral location

Hotel restaurants are 'neutral'. There are lounges if you want coffee after.

Do the people who don't find dining with a colleague at a hotel entirely unremarkable ever do any travelling?

MsVestibule · 30/09/2012 20:44

Tea at Brewer's Fayre? Good grief, no wonder he was jealous of a man who knew how to show you such a good time!

FreudianLisp · 30/09/2012 20:46

YANBU.

If you can't trust the person you're with, why be with them?

I like the fact that my husband can relate to women at a friendship level. That means, of course, that he has some female friends. His best friend is a woman and sometimes they go away together for long weekends. I really don't have a problem with this. They even share a room (though not a bed - I'd draw the line at that!) I trust him. I trust her. And frankly, when he's being too stubborn to listen to me, she often talks some sense into him.

GrimmaTheNome · 30/09/2012 20:47

A Brewers Fayre? At 5pm? Well, if that's what your DP considers as a potential romantic tryst, you're probably safe letting him loose anyway!

Seriously...both for working relationships and for non-work friendships, I'm interested in the contents of a person's brain not their pants.

Numberlock · 30/09/2012 20:49

So OP. Let's imagine you get a job that involves a lot of travel with male colleagues and entertaining male clients, both in this country and overseas. Lunchtimes and evenings.

Your partner would say this was wrong?

Numberlock · 30/09/2012 20:50

Just noticed that you said you didn't go anyway.

Purely because your partner wasn't happy?

HmmThinkingAboutIt · 30/09/2012 20:58

Your DP is being ridiculous.

Even if your Dp thinks this guy is "after you" and he's right then its down to you to handle it, which I'm sure you are more than capable of without ending up with your knickers around your ankles.

His insecurity is HIS problem not yours. He clearly doesn't trust you to fight off all these men who clearly can't control themselves around you.

OP you are clearly unbelievable irresistible to men by your DP's logic. Perhaps you should be flattered by this worship. On the other hand, I think you are also within your rights to tell your DP hes being a twat.

TalTangerine · 30/09/2012 21:15

I'm bisexual, so I guess I can't go for a drink with anyone if it was me sad face

DH and I don't worry about this kind of stuff, but if the two of you wanted that in your relationship I wouldn't judge you. But since he does and you doesn't there'll have to be some compromise! Depends how strongly you both feel. I would feel very trapped dating someone that possessive and wouldn't continue the relationship. However, jealousy is something that can be tackled. He needs to work out what the root of the problem is - has someone cheated on him before, is he insecure? If he can really think about it and try to work out what he thinks and feels and where the jealousy comes from, he can tackle it. It might be something simple could make him OK with it, like if you asked him before such an outing if he minded. Or it might be that this guy didn't know you were seeing him that set it off. Have him think about what he imagines will happen - is he assuming you'll cheat on him given the temptation, and why would he think that? I think that's important to tackle for the sake of the relationship whether or not you compromise on this.

missingmumxox · 30/09/2012 21:16

good grief by his reckoning I would have to starve or eat in a cupboard if I could only eat with women, 90% of the workforce where I work are men and at my grade and above I imagine we are looking at 99% I regularly have to travel away for work and can be the only women present, some of this travel involves long hours in a car with my male co-worker, eating together and to be honest I can't imagine the heady delights of a Brewers fayre, he seems to favour vans in lay by's :)

Lovesabadboy · 30/09/2012 21:46

I have a couple of male friends that I went to school with that I am still in touch with.
One popped in to see me at work a couple of times when he was working in the area and we went over to the pub for a drink and some lunch together. Honestly, you would have thought that we were going to bonk each other's brains out by the fruit machine with the attitude of my 3 colleagues (2 male, 1 female)!
Not one of them could accept the situation for what it was and all of them said that their partners wouldn't 'allow' them to do the same with someone of the opposite sex!

Funnily enough, one of my female friends popped in to see me a few weeks later and we did the same. Of course, not a word was said! So I challenged them and said 'Well, what would happen if she was gay?'. They all said that wouldn't be a problem!

Double standards much?!?!?!

The other male friend did actually take me out for a lovely meal in the evening and we got a bit tipsy and spent hours reminiscing...my husband was perfectly fine with it. He trusts me!
We have some best friends that we go on holiday with etc and my DH will often go for coffee or lunch with the woman as they used to work together. I don't mind. I trust him!

Very few of my friends understand this arrangement though and say that it is not something they could ever do in their relationships. It is refreshing to see on MN that most of you are open-minded and trusting enough to accept it.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 01/10/2012 08:00

What does your DP think of the responses so far, OP?

Flip

1 2 3