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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder - is it normal to feed you children cheaper food than you eat yourself?

418 replies

Mrsbiggs · 30/09/2012 13:36

We (OH, me and 5 of our various children) had corn on the cob with dinner last night. DS (15) and DD (13) said "we aren't allowed to have this at dads - its "adult food"".

I was a bit Shock and asked them what they meant. Apparently their dads OH (they have been together 4 yrs I have never met her but she has caused many many issues, and destroyed a once amicable and friendly divorce) - buys economy food for the children ( she has 2 DC of her own) and finest food for her and the kids dad. They have Heinz beans and the kids have value range, at BBQ's the kids are only allowed a burger or a sausage, not kebabs or chops etc and they aren't allowed pudding (and have to watch the "adults") eat theirs, and they are not allowed to talk at the dinner table Hmm. The adults have chops etc while the DC have pasta bake.

Am I right in thinking this is appalling, and bordering on abusive or do other people do this?

OP posts:
AllDirections · 30/09/2012 16:58

I was brought up like that including the cheap foods and not being allowed to sit on the sofa. It escalated into not being allowed into the living room at all and having to knock on the door and wait to be allowed in if I wanted to speak to my parents Shock but that was a different generation.

I feel for you Mrsbiggs and I believe what your children say. My ex does many things like this and those of you who are saying don't let the DC go there until things change are also the ones who if the OP had stopped the contact would have been going on about her ex's rights as a parent and how he can parent anyway he wants.

My 16 year old DD can handle her dad (in my case it's my ex who insists on this level of control, not his DW) but my 12 year old is IMO being emotionally abused. There is no talking to him about anything so all I can do is support my daughter who is emotionally affected by his behaviour. She would also be emotionally affected if I stopped the contact. Rock and a hard place anyone Sad

Tailtwister · 30/09/2012 17:05

Well OTTMummAA, what a disgusting way for you to be treated. I don't really know what else to say really. I can't imagine what it must have been like for you to go through that. Im really sorry.

I can see that fostering could sometimes attract the wrong type of person, but surely there's adequate screening to prevent that. I can't bear to think of the fragile young people out there who are suffering at the hands of unscrupulous carers (no matter what their motivation is). My parents looked at fostering (many years ago now), but as we didn't have a spare bedroom they were rejected. I can see how sharing (same sex as I have a brother) wouldn't be ideal though. They would need their own space, somewhere to retreat to. It's something I would like to do, but again space is the problem. The boys share a room as it is. Maybe if our situation changes it would be something to consider in the future.

Original poster
Mrsbiggs · 30/09/2012 17:09

I think it's "the children" in general - not specifically "my" children.

I asked DS what would happen if the baked beans got mixed up he said "oh I dunno - she'd melt" Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrsbiggs · 30/09/2012 17:13

Alldirections - there are no easy answers and it's never as cut and dried as people make out is it?!

I don't need to meet some one I already know stands for everything I hate (has confiscated a load of her DD's things atm which will be returned when she passes Grammar exam Sad - I can't choose who my ex is with/how they choose to parent or the fact that he is still their father.

OP posts:
ddubsgirl · 30/09/2012 17:14

i know people who do this,never done it with my kids apart from the odd steak but now they are abit older they have that too.
when i was allowed to live at home at my step mums she would always buy her dd pure oj,i love that and asked if i could have some too but told no as it was expensive and i had to have apple juice,ok its not a major thing but we were treated very differently as it was her house.

pigletmania · 30/09/2012 17:15

God no that is awful. Usually kids will have what we are having. If we have a chineese though I cook dd 5 something different as she does not like it.

yellowkite · 30/09/2012 17:18

I've got to admit, say if me and dp are having taste the difference battered fish I might give ds fish fingers, purely because the fish comes in a pack of two and ds who's four is likely to leave half of it half chewed on the plate. I also buy basics fromais frais if the other stuff isn't on offer and I buy sainsburys basics pizza for ds and add extra cheese and tomatoes he asks for them though as they are small and the right size for him so I use them for a lazy Friday night tea sometimes. But in general I don't believe in 'kids' food, ds has what I have and generaly can't stand chicken dippers and crap like that.

But all of those things I would eat myself (not the fromais frais!), and everything else we eat exactly the same, if we're having roast chicken or chops we all have it, if I buy heinz beans we all eat them, ds has even got the taste for smoked salmon! I think what they are doing is a bit cruel and could create real food issues. But sometimes I think people are a bit ignorant and think the kids won't eat the grown up food (but like me with the fish).

I would certainly never ever sit and eat pudding in front of a child and not give them their share.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 30/09/2012 17:19

I am glad your kids can see how ridiculous she is OP, and that they can laugh about it. But I feel very sorry for her own kids who dont have a choice and have to live through it all the time.

pigletmania · 30/09/2012 17:20

The woman sounds like a fecking nightmare, rather like my toxic sister who would do the same thing. Needless to say I have not seen her since 1999, I would rather not

pigletmania · 30/09/2012 17:22

Can't your kids see him alone or searately

ddubsgirl · 30/09/2012 17:22

little kids its not so bad,such as another poster put about fish & fish fingers,but older kids/teens then now,my boys can eat more than me and unless its something they really do not like then they have the same,we love a chinese but dt1 cant have it as it gives him mirgraines,so we all avoid it.

FredFredGeorge · 30/09/2012 17:26

I don't see anything wrong with it at all, obviously if it's less nutritious then that's bad, but given the dietary needs of an active growing child and a sedentary adult are completely different eating the same meals would be mean a poor diet for one of them (although I think that's generally the adult given the amount of obesity...)

Our 15mo old eats the same as us (in differing ratios often but from the same food), but certainly if money was tighter I could see doing different. It's the same where if money was tight but there was some extra I might treat DP or DD or someone to a particular favourite but not have it myself. It's part of being a family you give treats that individuals would most appreciate. DP wouldn't appreciate a pony ride, but DD might, so I wouldn't insist everyone rode a pony out of fairness.

Mrsjay · 30/09/2012 17:27

an Ex friend of mine used to do this. things were for the adults usually the kids would get economy it all started happening after she married her husband not the kids dad, anyway it didn't end well her kids are older but 1 left home as soon as they could and the other lives elsewhere, not just over the food obviously but step dad wanted them to 'know there place' and ex friend followed his every word

Original poster
Mrsbiggs · 30/09/2012 17:28

No pigletmania she has even started coming with him in the car when he collects them and staring at me (always make sure I am looking hot on a Friday Wink) - if the kids don't go and make a point of saying "Hi [insert name]" directly to her when they arrive/get in the car she winges to ex and the kids get punished - but when they do say hi she rolls her eyes and says hi though gritted teeth looking at them like something she has trodden in.

OP posts:
wannabedomesticgoddess · 30/09/2012 17:32

She sounds like she may have MH issues tbh.

Original poster
Mrsbiggs · 30/09/2012 17:33

You'd think wannabe - but apparently not.

OP posts:
BartletForTeamGB · 30/09/2012 17:34

Sounds like our childhood. We were given the cheap and nasty economy meat with lots of gristle because the good stuff would only be wasted on us.

IneedAsockamnesty · 30/09/2012 17:40

ffs people can just be compleate fuck wit twatty jealious cunts with no mh issues.

most people who do have mh issues are not cunts

pigletmania · 30/09/2012 17:46

No mental health issues just a nasty piece of work. She could do well with remembering that she will be at the mercy if her kids when she gets older

pigletmania · 30/09/2012 17:48

Your ex sounds like a pushover

alistron1 · 30/09/2012 17:48

My dad was brought up as the OP describes and IMHO it has lead to the issues he has with hoarding.

With my own kids we all have the same food, although now and then DP and I will have a nice steak meal together after feeding the kids burgers/pizza and whacking a movie on for them.

Inneedofbrandy · 30/09/2012 17:51

If its her kids as well it's them I feel most sorry for. Your kids are lucky enough to of been brought up . What a horrid life they must have.

piprabbit · 30/09/2012 17:51

Encourage your DCs to quietly remove the labels from tinned goods Grin.

She sounds like a nightmare.

Mrsjay · 30/09/2012 17:55

there is a difference btween having a pizza and fishfingers in the freezer for a quick dinner that just feeding children rubbish and giving adults the 'good food' alistron Smile

IvanaHumpalot · 30/09/2012 18:00

Mosman & OTT

My DM (single parent) fostered for 20+ yrs and specialised in long term individual placements for teens. My sisters (I did (& do) think of them that way) usually came to us when they were 13/14 and stayed till they were 18/19 (extended care orders) - by when DM and SW got them a flat, usually locally.

I struggle that SS would think it's ok to treat f children differently to other children in the house. My DM absolutely treated us the same, Christmas, Birthdays and the very occasional holidays. No weekend respite care for the carer (wtf is that about); if you lived with us, you were absolutely part of the family - warts and all.

For my DM it was never about the money and all about teens. You are right about the quality and quantity of social workers, fosterers and the support available to carers. Everything lacking. I think if a 'carer' cannot treat a foster child as part of the family they have no business fostering. But then for them it is a business, especially if they have multiple f children.

She gave up fostering about 10 yrs ago. My DM is getting on!