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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have a quick rant and then get over myself?

111 replies

THERhubarb · 29/09/2012 09:26

I'm too annoyed to analyse whether I'm being unreasonable or not now.

Brief summary: Our back garden can be extended by 3ft. All the neighbours have done theirs. I suggested we get someone in to do it before winter. Dh says that he'll do it as it'll be cheaper and done the way we (or should that read HE) wants it.

Every nice weekend we've had for the past 6 weeks has seen him working on the wall. He has to knock down ours and rebuild it 3ft back, incl foundations so quite a bit of work I realise. Every evening he comes back from work, he works on the wall (which he's admitted is now a bit of a hobby), finishes at around 6.30. We have tea, put the kids to bed and he falls asleep on the settee.

This is his birthday weekend. I've worked hard at 2 jobs for the past 3 months and we've hardly spent a weekend together. I finished early yesterday and cleaned the whole house from top to bottom. Today is a nice day but again, he's working on the wall. Has a friend in to help and will be out there all day. To top it off, he's brought something in from work to fix which is lying in my kitchen making the room smell very strongly of oil.

Now this bit prob is me being selfish but we're supposed to go out for a meal this evening. He's chosen a curry house. I hate curries. He has a curry every single week on a Sunday. A Sainsbury's one whilst the kids have a korma and I have to make myself something else. I really don't like curries at all.

So we've no babysitter (again), I shall drive us to the curry house, pretend not to be annoyed with him, pretend to enjoy my omelette and then drive home, put the kids to bed and watch him fall asleep on the settee. Oh and tomorrow we're going to his brother's because they are doing some kind of race. We have to be up early so there's no chance of a late night in any case.

Yes it's a rant and yes it's petty and hardly a problem compared to some but today I just feel really really pissed off and that's a problem if I am to try and remain cheerful for his birthday meal tonight.

OP posts:

Original poster

THERhubarb · 29/09/2012 10:21

No sookie, I asked him last week not to work this weekend.
He told me yesterday that his friend was coming to do the wall. I still assumed they'd only be doing it half a day but last night he said he was planning to spend all day on the wall.

But ok, so I'm a cow. A selfish cow.

OP posts:

Gumby · 29/09/2012 10:22

Even if it's his birthday surely he could choose a restaurant you can all enjoy

Nagoo · 29/09/2012 10:22

Hmm.

I think YANBU for ranting. The ranty thing is reasonable, as he is pissing about on a thing he wants to do and leaving you to do all the shitwork.

YABU about the birthday curry. Let him have a curry it's his birthday.

Why do you get curry every sunday if you don't like it though? You should take it in turns to pick. I have recently rediscovered the joy that is the delivered shish kebab :)

I think you need to say to him that you don't mind how long the wall takes, let it take twice as long and he spends more time with the DC.

If you want to aviod a row, you could possibly go down the tack opf saying he is spending all his time working and you think he should enjoy some relaxing family time. Insist on it.

sookiesookie · 29/09/2012 10:23

I do wonder when I get my break? that is reasonable since you see he see this as a hobby.

The problem is that you have left it until this morning when Things have been arranged to moan.

Why not tell him last week or the week before that while you appreciate the work he is doing, you want the weekend together.

Had you have just been going out for tea and it wasn't his birthday, just a family meal put, I would get the being upset about going to a curry house. But its his birthday.

Original poster

THERhubarb · 29/09/2012 10:23

fiftyval, it's tomorrow.

And he gets to do what he wants tomorrow too. Which is to go to his brother's where they will talk about races and his brother's wind turbine project as they always do. And I will be left to make small talk with his brother's wife and teenage daughter whom I hardly know.

I've been left in that situation before. I said I didn't want to go but he made me feel that I was being selfish and said that I wanted to be with family over the weekend and that was my day to be with family.

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 29/09/2012 10:24

I think the curry thing is U because it's his birthday, yes.

The wall - honestly I do see why you're so frustrated, honestly I do and you're right to ask when you get your break. But now he's started, he has to finish it - a builder won't touch a half done wall. So I am sorry for you but you'll have to grit your teeth and get on with it. Arguing with him won't get it done faster. And he probably wants to get on with it today because it's the last nice weekend. You can't do cement in r rain.

And make plans / book a spa day / organise something for yourself in a couple of weeks time so that you do get a break.

MsOnatopp · 29/09/2012 10:24

Er, yes you would be about the wall, but not about the curry.

It should be OK like you say, but it isn't according to you. You do realise that building a wall isn't 'a break' right?

It's not my problem if you feel shitty for me answering you honestly. Don't ask if you don't want the answer. We are not here to tip toe around stropping OPs.

I understand you missing him and wanting his time and time for yourself, that's OK, but as the wall is for both of you then YABVVU. Whether he now views it as a hobby or not is not the issue. He is still doing it for everyone. Was he supposed to hate it? Is that the only acceptable way?

Gumby · 29/09/2012 10:24

I'd order in a curry for him
And a Chinese for the rest of you
Or let him go with his mate to the curry house tbh

sookiesookie · 29/09/2012 10:25

You didn't say that. What was reason he couldn't? Already arrange the equipment.

If he has done this all the time for 6 weeks why would you assume its a half day.

Honestly, I get your annoyed but being shitty with people is making you look like a spoilt brat.

sookiesookie · 29/09/2012 10:26

Even if it's his birthday surely he could choose a restaurant you can all enjoy

So this dh can never go out for a decent properly made curry because his dw doesn't like it. There is still things she can eat. I am sure she gets to pick on her birthday.

Original poster

THERhubarb · 29/09/2012 10:27

Oh we've hardly spoken since he told me yesterday about the wall actually.

We have a curry every Sunday because that's what he wants. It's easy enough so I don't normally mind, he buys one from Sainsbos that gets whacked in the oven and I make myself something else.

I have asked him on several occasions not to work a particular weekend and he's said no.
His argument is that it needs to be done and he wants to get it finished. I can understand that and yes, selfishly I am feeling a little bit sidelined, a bit ignored and as though I'm being left to sort out the kids on my own.

OP posts:

MsOnatopp · 29/09/2012 10:27

fiftyva I did not mean he gets the weekend to do what he want, just the meal that is for his birthday.

ladyintheradiator · 29/09/2012 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsOnatopp · 29/09/2012 10:29

Unless you are getting dirty and helping build the wall too then he is doing that on his own... So you are both 'working' on a project each.

sookiesookie · 29/09/2012 10:30

We have a curry every Sunday because that's what he wants

No he and the kids have a curry and you have something else. The Sainsburys ones are nothing like going out for a proper curry.

ladyintheradiator · 29/09/2012 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsOnatopp · 29/09/2012 10:31

lady it isn't just curries at the curry house so OP should be able to find something she likes. It shouldn't be a case of 'partner sitting hating it'

She should want to do this for her DH.

What happened to sacrificial love? (and obv this works both ways, same for OP on her birthday which I am sure it is)

It's all me me me these days.

Original poster

THERhubarb · 29/09/2012 10:31

sookie, I guess I assumed it would be half a day because he knew that I wanted him to spend some time with us for a change.

I originally wanted to get someone in to do the wall as I could see this happening but he was adamant he would do it. Yes he wants to get it done as it's a nice weekend. Last weekend his mate didn't show up (still spent all day on wall and if you read back on Mumsnet, last weekend was really horrible as ds had a panic attack and moreorless ruined his friend's birthday by refusing to go on a day out with him.) I spent last weekend working too whilst looking after a very distraught ds and dd + her two friends working on their homework project.

I honestly thought that this weekend we'd end up doing something together to make up for it.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 29/09/2012 10:31

It is difficult when you both like different food. But there is absolutely no point in making a big issue out of this. Either take turns or eat different meals. And the DIY stuff is also hard. My DH takes lilterally years to do DIY then complains if I get somebody in.

Gumby · 29/09/2012 10:31

So this dh can never go out for a decent properly made curry because his dw doesn't like it

What a load of shite
He's surely got friends he can go with
I wouldn't be taking my kids to a curry place on a Saturday night
He could go to a beefeater type place & eat curry & they could eat something else

WandaDoff · 29/09/2012 10:33

YANBU for having a moan about the situation, I certainly would in your position.

YWBU is you spoiled his birthday by sulking about it though.

sookiesookie · 29/09/2012 10:35

sookie that's so funny, why could he 'never' go for a nice curry because his wife doesn't like it? He can get a take away or go out with friends. The way you say 'decent properly made curry' as if he is SO deprived, oh that poor man under the thumb. And she is bloody going anyway and having an omelette - I can't imagine anything more depressing. But I think my DP would live without tripping over his lip about it.

Its his birthday. The OP even says he has agrees to go somewhere else but it wasn't in the right way.

I was responding to 'he should want to go somewhere else type comments.
Maybe its me I have been out to restaurants I don't like because the person celebrating does like it. I think that's quite normal.

Original poster

THERhubarb · 29/09/2012 10:35

MsOnatopp, with all due respect you don't know me. I cook every day, I cook meals that I think my family will all like. I put real effort in. I don't eat the things I like (such as liver and bacon or lamb's kidneys) because I know they don't like that.

I used to cook them all a curry every single Sunday and I'd have a pie (you can't buy liver for just one person). So every Sunday I would make separate meals. This way works better.

And yes, we go for a curry quite often. Whenever it's his birthday and for Father's Day and some days inbetween we go for a curry.

This is an equal relationship and I will suck up things if it makes him happy and I'm sure he does the same. I'm being honest about my feelings here but it's hard to read such judgemental posts by people who actually don't know me.

OP posts:

MsOnatopp · 29/09/2012 10:36

as if he is SO deprived, oh that poor man under the thumb

See this is the kind of rubbish one sided garbage that gets spewed on MN so often.

If it was the other way round you wouldn't come out with that patronising pointless drivel.

sookiesookie · 29/09/2012 10:37

I wouldn't be taking my kids to a curry place on a Saturday night

Why not?

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