To have a quick rant and then get over myself?

[THERhubarb]

I'm too annoyed to analyse whether I'm being unreasonable or not now.

Brief summary: Our back garden can be extended by 3ft. All the neighbours have done theirs. I suggested we get someone in to do it before winter. Dh says that he'll do it as it'll be cheaper and done the way we (or should that read HE) wants it.

Every nice weekend we've had for the past 6 weeks has seen him working on the wall. He has to knock down ours and rebuild it 3ft back, incl foundations so quite a bit of work I realise. Every evening he comes back from work, he works on the wall (which he's admitted is now a bit of a hobby), finishes at around 6.30. We have tea, put the kids to bed and he falls asleep on the settee.

This is his birthday weekend. I've worked hard at 2 jobs for the past 3 months and we've hardly spent a weekend together. I finished early yesterday and cleaned the whole house from top to bottom. Today is a nice day but again, he's working on the wall. Has a friend in to help and will be out there all day. To top it off, he's brought something in from work to fix which is lying in my kitchen making the room smell very strongly of oil.

Now this bit prob is me being selfish but we're supposed to go out for a meal this evening. He's chosen a curry house. I hate curries. He has a curry every single week on a Sunday. A Sainsbury's one whilst the kids have a korma and I have to make myself something else. I really don't like curries at all.

So we've no babysitter (again), I shall drive us to the curry house, pretend not to be annoyed with him, pretend to enjoy my omelette and then drive home, put the kids to bed and watch him fall asleep on the settee. Oh and tomorrow we're going to his brother's because they are doing some kind of race. We have to be up early so there's no chance of a late night in any case.

Yes it's a rant and yes it's petty and hardly a problem compared to some but today I just feel really really pissed off and that's a problem if I am to try and remain cheerful for his birthday meal tonight.

[Gumby]

I'm assuming it's Saturday night
I'd rather go to a family friendly place at 6ish
Is that ok? I'm sure you'll pick a load of reasons why you're local curry house is family friendly on a Saturday evening

[perfumedlife]

Let him take his friend for a thankyou curry and you order in chinese and have some wine. You will only go to the curry house resentful and have to drive in to the bargain.

The issue is, did you suggest wanting the garden wall and did he really think he could do it cheaper? If you wanted the wall then I think it's fair to expect it will take longer than he said and that will leave you with the bulk of childcare. He still needs to be mindful of how much time it's taking though and YANBU for feeling resentful of that.

Honestly, this weekend is going to be crap so why drag it out by driving all of you to a curry house when you'd rather not?

[Latara]

Rhubarb - Give in to your husband's choice this time because it's his birthday.

At the Indian Restaurant; i recommend speaking to the waiter yourself obviously.

Ask the waiter for the none-curry options; for example most curry places offer marinated (usually Tikka or Tandoori) meat (usually halal chicken / lamb / king prawns) - it's cooked in the Tandoor oven - check what veg they are served with (usually marinated stir fried peppers / tomatoes & onions.) & a salad.

If you dislike Tikka or Tandoori then ask for Plain, with no flavouring.
Also no marinade / sauce with the veg or salad.

Accompany with plain boiled rice or a plain naan bread.

These are usually the most expensive but healthy & tasty options on the menu.
You could ask for 'mixed pickles' on the side or 'mint yoghurt sauce' so that you can flavour the food yourself.
Most Indian restaurants will even provide English sauces.

IMPORTANT:
Remember to smile nicely & talk in a pleasant friendly manner with the waiters. Really dress up - attractive & stylish in pretty colours; flatter your figure but don't reveal to much.
Act slightly shy too.
The waiters & even the manager will then treat you like an attractive woman rather than another customer.
Your husband should feel proud to be with you but also feel slightly threatened as he realises that other men find his wife attractive.

You want him to know how lucky he is to be with you - but if you sulk then he may be the one looking at other women who are smiling & he may wish he was with them.

You do a lot for your husband & family; he just needs to appreciate it all a bit more.

Ps. everyone is allowed a rant; & online is better than in public!

[redandyellowbits]

Can you not leaving kids to play in the garden whilst you get the food shopping? Your DH will be out there anyway?

And then treat yourself to coffee and cake before coming back home.

[Gumby]

The waiters & even the manager will then treat you like an attractive woman rather than another customer.


Wow !!!!

Stay home in your jammies with your Chinese & wine!

[Condensedmilk]

I believe your DC's would love to know how to build a wall - very important they learn skills and I'm sure your DH would love some helpers.

Of course, you really ought to keep out of their way. I suggest coffee, wine or some other relaxing beverage.

I am sitting here, looking out the window where DH is putting up a tent for a sleepover. He has two DD 'helpers' who are giggling and getting in the way.

[HeathRobinson]

'IMPORTANT:
Remember to smile nicely & talk in a pleasant friendly manner with the waiters. Really dress up - attractive & stylish in pretty colours; flatter your figure but don't reveal to much.
Act slightly shy too.
The waiters & even the manager will then treat you like an attractive woman rather than another customer.'

[HumphreyCobbler]

jesus wept

I actually came on to say YANBU, you have put a lot of effort into his birthday, he is choosing to do something that excludes you. I would find this hurtful. But well done for having a rant on here and getting on with it.

[COCKadoodledooo]

I honestly thought that this weekend we'd end up doing something together to make up for it.

And there's your problem. Lack of communication. Unless you'd explicitly asked him not to do the wall, then YABU. If he hasn't got it done by when it needs to be done, that would be wrong too, wouldn't it?

As for when you get your break, send the dc out to help or to play in the garden, or take them out somewhere fun. Or send them with him tomorrow and spend the day by yourself. Don't feel guilty about it. Oh and along those lines, imo guilt comes from within - he can't 'make' you feel guilty, you are in charge of your feelings. Nobody can make you feel anything you don't want to.

[breadandbutterfly]

YABU for having a rant on here rather than mouthing off at him - well done.

The rest of it, of course YABU - you know that, that's why you posted on here. It's his birthday. So he gets to choose.

[breadandbutterfly]

Sorry, should read YANBU for having a rant on here rather than mouthing off at him - well done.

[Latara]

The Wall: suddenly become very helpful. Say you want to join him in his new hobby and so do the children.

Ask him and your bro-in-law for personal brick laying instruction; turn up in wellies etc. & start 'helping'.

Put a garden table next to the wall (wrap up warm though) & read a book there; get the kids to play nearby very loudly.

Offer tea & biscuits at regular intervals - make sure the biscuits take a lot of time to eat and must be his brother's absolute irresistable favourite type.

You will find the wall gets built very quickly & possibly completed by builders.

(Or you may find a flair for wall-building too. That would be ironic but you never know.)

Brother's House:
Use BIL's wife & daughters for information-gathering on BIL.
You need to make BIL your friend - so if he visits your house he should want to talk to you & your husband equally.

IME it's not normal to have a male/female split when you visit each other's homes.
You should all be able to talk together; if not then your DH should see BIL alone.
Splitting up the sexes to talk after dinner is straight out of Jane Austen.

Honesty:
Use subterfuge when it comes to certain things that DH won't budge on (eg. the Wall).

Use honesty too though - it is the best policy to be straight & honest.
Try really hard (like me at work!! It's very hard!!) to remain unemotional, calm, pleasant yet assertive when trying to get someone to listen.
Especially some men.

Be honest re: the restaurant; say you will compromise but you'd like to find other favourites too. Try Tapas, Turkish Restaurants, Thai etc - the children will enjoy it too hopefully.

Be honest re: visits to relatives. Say you'd like the family to stay together rather than split up after meals; it's old fashioned to do anything else.


You sound like a very lovely & caring wife & mother - but let things slide sometimes & let the small things go.
Eg. mud on the floor - just put sheets down for DH to walk on.

If you get cross over small stuff then he won't listen about the bigger stuff.

He probably does appreciate you in his own way; but it helps to keep men on their toes sometimes; just to remind him that he should appreciate you even more...

[StepAwayFromTheORANGECakes]

I know exactly where you are coming from. I love my DH to bits BUT it often seems his needs come first. He does exactly what he wants with his life and the family fit in so when kids were little we went out at weekends walking and birdwatching cos that's his hobby. TBH he would compromise if I felt strongly about doing something else but apart from shopping I rarely feel like doing much else (boring) so I was happy enough to fit in with him. Now the boys are older they do their own thing and I am happy having the house to myself but sometimes I do get a bit pissed off that he does what he wants first and then chores, time with me come second. the assumption that all will be done in his absence is what niggles me, he doesnt expect it as such just doesnt and never has thought about it tbh, lovely man but inherently selfish and I guess I have allowed it. good job we love each other.

[Latara]

HeathRobinson: Yes, i know. I'm sorry. I'm usually a good feminist but sometimes... i'm not.

I will award my first to, er, me & have a & a rethink on that one maybe.

[RandallPinkFloyd]

Of course you're being ott and ranting but you said that in the flipping op for goodness sake so I have no idea what all the wee humphy faces are in aid of.

What is MN for if it's not to let off a bit of steam?!

FWIW I completely understand where you're coming from OP. 6 weeks of spending the weekends looking after the kids alone would piss me right off. I can only imagine how much you regret even mentioning moving the fecking garden wall now!

I think Infinity has hit the nail right on the head. Being the "default childcare" is pretty wearing after a while.

It would be totally different if your DH had said in the week "Rhub, do you mind if I crack on with the wall on saturday? Only it's probably the last nice weekend we'll get in a while so I really want to get it finished. I know it's taken ages but next weekend we'll do something nice."

IMO what's unfortunate is the fact that it's all come to a head on a weekend that happens to involve his birthday.

Of course you'll suck it up, it's his birthday, you love him, and you're not a total cow (contrary to what some people seem to think!). However I suggest a quiet word next saturday about how the children are his responsibility as much as yours and that you are going out for the day and will be back in time for tea

[RandallPinkFloyd]

I believe your DC's would love to know how to build a wall - very important they learn skills and I'm sure your DH would love some helpers.

Oh, forget all the other advice. This is the one ^^

[THERhubarb]

Thanks all!

The dc's don't want to go anywhere near the blasted wall and yes, I am very very sorry I ever mentioned getting the wall done before winter, although it was MY idea to get builders in!

He's still out there, only now with axel grinders (?) and his mate is there all the time so I can't talk to him.

Yes I did make it very abundantly clear that I would appreciate this weekend as a family weekend. I could not have made it clearer. He has said sorry, but this weekend is a sunny one so he wants to get it finished and his mate wants his cement mixer back.

PinkFloyd, yes to all that. And you know what? Next weekend will be the same because they haven't finished the wall (just looked) and there is a fence that needs putting on top of the wall yet. One layer of the old back wall is still up (at my insistence as people could look straight in otherwise) and that will need bringing down plus dh wants to knock the mortar off so he can sell the bricks.

So this will not be the last weekend. I predict another 3 weekends in fact. This is why I'm so annoyed, because IT'S TAKING BLOODY AGES! As I knew it would and that's the reason I SUGGESTED GETTING BUILDERS IN!

So yes, normally I would go to the curry house on a Sat night with the kids - and I did try and fail to get a babysitter - and I would suck it up (I will not dress attractively and act shy for the waiters and even if they did pay me any attention, dh would not notice. He's never noticed before so I doubt he will now) but right now I am BLOODY ANNOYED.

I will try very very hard not to sulk, but how the hell do you snap out of it when you feel like smacking him round the head with the bloody cement mixer?

[RandallPinkFloyd]

Wine. Wine from the bottom of the wine list

[Nanny0gg]

YANintheleastbitU.

Your husband is spending every weekend doing something he wants to do, and spending no time with his wife and children.

And it doesn't matter whose birthday or celebration it is, in this house, the chosen restaurant suits everybody,

(I don't like curry either).

[Vilt]

What nanny ogg just said, absolutely. YANBU at all

[EnjoyGOLDResponsibly]

The wall: yeah totally NBU, is he fecking Hadrian?

The birthday curry: YABU and I say that as someone who is also going out for DHs birthday to an Indian restaurant tonight, and I don't like curry either.

Having sad that, the alternative was me making dinner for 8 after being at work all day.

No brained really

[Abitwobblynow]

I dont' think you are being unreasonable at all.

When this is all finished, you must. YOU MUST go off and visit an old mate. Going on Friday evening, and coming back on Sunday.

Think of someone, ring them up and arrange it. Train, camping, off you go!

[BerthaTheBogBurglar]

On Monday, talk to him. Start with what HandHolding said upthread about telling him that next time, big decisions like this have to be made jointly.

Tell him that you have looked after his children and his house single-handedly for however long it has been, in order that he can do what he wants.

Point out that he should have asked you first, to see if you were willing to do this for him. Tell him that you would have said no, and that, actually, you want something in return. You've done 6 weekends so far singlehandedly, which means he owes you 3 weekends. The fact that he has built a wall doesn't make any difference, since you'd have preferred to spend a hundred extra and get it done properly quickly.

Then tell him you've decided to take the first of those weekends off, next weekend. You will not be available for any childcare/household jobs/cooking at all, all weekend. (If you can manage it, go away!)

He can't carry on doing this, unless you let him. I know what you'd like is to spend the time with him and the children, all enjoying being together, but getting him to do his share is the first step.

and if he arranges for his mum to look after the kids for him, leave the bastard

[DeWe]

I'm just intriged by how you can extend your garden by 3 feet. Assuming you're not just pinching 3 foot of common land, or knocking back your kitchen by 3 foot how come the wall wasn't just built there is the first place?