To have a quick rant and then get over myself?

[THERhubarb]

I'm too annoyed to analyse whether I'm being unreasonable or not now.

Brief summary: Our back garden can be extended by 3ft. All the neighbours have done theirs. I suggested we get someone in to do it before winter. Dh says that he'll do it as it'll be cheaper and done the way we (or should that read HE) wants it.

Every nice weekend we've had for the past 6 weeks has seen him working on the wall. He has to knock down ours and rebuild it 3ft back, incl foundations so quite a bit of work I realise. Every evening he comes back from work, he works on the wall (which he's admitted is now a bit of a hobby), finishes at around 6.30. We have tea, put the kids to bed and he falls asleep on the settee.

This is his birthday weekend. I've worked hard at 2 jobs for the past 3 months and we've hardly spent a weekend together. I finished early yesterday and cleaned the whole house from top to bottom. Today is a nice day but again, he's working on the wall. Has a friend in to help and will be out there all day. To top it off, he's brought something in from work to fix which is lying in my kitchen making the room smell very strongly of oil.

Now this bit prob is me being selfish but we're supposed to go out for a meal this evening. He's chosen a curry house. I hate curries. He has a curry every single week on a Sunday. A Sainsbury's one whilst the kids have a korma and I have to make myself something else. I really don't like curries at all.

So we've no babysitter (again), I shall drive us to the curry house, pretend not to be annoyed with him, pretend to enjoy my omelette and then drive home, put the kids to bed and watch him fall asleep on the settee. Oh and tomorrow we're going to his brother's because they are doing some kind of race. We have to be up early so there's no chance of a late night in any case.

Yes it's a rant and yes it's petty and hardly a problem compared to some but today I just feel really really pissed off and that's a problem if I am to try and remain cheerful for his birthday meal tonight.

[THERhubarb]

digerd I appreciate the belated support!

My mother is deranged. At least I'd rather think she was deranged than just plain nasty. My niece got a box of biscuits for her birthday. My dd got just a card and when my brother said something, she eventually sent her some money in the post. With my dh she made an effort and got him some Dove smellies for men and a tenner, plus cards.

She does it every year on his birthday. Never to any of the other in-laws and the presents she gives to her grandchildren are naff - biscuits ffs!

But my ever trusting dh doesn't want to get involved and would feel rude if he didn't call her up to say thank you.

[digerd]

My last post was a bit belated as had only read page 1, but see you got round him - good for you . Very shocked about YOUR mother, at first I thought it was your MIL !!! What a nasty piece of work, but why on earth does she want to do that?

[digerd]

Sorry that you needed a rant and some sympathy, and not had any of the latter, which has just increased your frustration. Don't know if it will help, but I discovered, in my older years, the only "weak spot" in the males, and that is their MALE PRIDE -. Male DIYers are worth their weight in gold, and most would be deeply insulted when critised. Most actually need praise for their skills from their wives. I can understand your frustrations, my husband, my brother and neighbour are all the same. Their male pride rules their lives in every aspect. You can't change them - make a list of all the things you love about him, if you can think of any at the moment. I can tell you at the end of your tether, at the moment. Do let us know how the rest of the weekend went

[THERhubarb]

I am so going to inscribe Hadrian's Wall in the wet concrete now! This is its official name - we might even have an opening party when it's all done. Guests will have to wear roman gear and everything.

Mind you, I hope this doesn't mean that he gets ideas about building fortresses!

[WilsonFrickett]

I missed the Hadrian posts yesterday. Delayed arf and glad it all worked out for you OP.

[RandallPinkFloyd]

Glad you had a nice time

I just hope the memory of Hadrian-and-his-stupid-sodding-wall have faded by next summer and you all enjoy your nice new garden.

[THERhubarb]

Love love these reponses!

DeWe, the house is ex-HA and they built the sodding wall. When we bought it we realised that we had an extra 3ft of land round the back that all the neighbours have already claimed. The back garden isn't huge and I can see from the neighbours that the extra 3ft has made a difference. If we come to sell, it will be an investment to have that extra bit of garden.

Anyway, it all worked out eventually. He has agreed not to work on the wall for the next 2 weekends. He also said that as he had spent all day on the wall we could go to a different restaurant and make a bit more of an effort. As I did argue that the curry house was hardly going to be busy at 7pm on a Sat night and I've done that too many times now - been the only people eating in there with the waiters standing over you. So we went to a lovely restaurant and had a brilliant meal, even dh said how much he enjoyed it. Oh and I wore nipple tassles and a thong. Just a shame they were all waitresses.

As it happens, the local B&B where I occasionally work to boost my income, phoned to ask if I could do the check-ins from 5-7 on the Sunday so it gave me a good excuse to wave them off and stay in

I cleaned the house (again), made him his sarnies for today, did the kids packed lunch, got the fire going and prepared tea so that it was all ready to go in. I also got a nice bottle of wine and some dark chocolate for him.

So it worked out.

Now the argument is about my mother......she's sent him a present as she does every year. Only she doesn't send her grandchildren presents. She sends him one because she thinks she can manipulate him and because she knows it will cause tension between us as I can see the unfairness of him getting presents whilst her grandchildren don't. He will phone to thank her and she's got what she wants.

But that's a whole other thread.....

[Nanny0gg]

LemarchandsBox and EnjoyGOLDResponsibly
and

[Thumbwitch]

Re. snapping out of it - that's the bloody hard one, IME. Hope you managed it a little bit and found something that you could eat that wasn't just an omelette.

I assume your DC are going with you to the BIL's tomorrow? Won't you be occupied with them, rather than having to sit in awkwardness with the SIL and niece? Take a big noisy board game with you and make them all play it together. Monopoly or something equally inclusive.

[ATourchOfInsanity]

YANBU - I had an ex who did similar with central heating; insisted him and his dad did it rather than get help in. It took 11 months. That is no fun when you are living out of a bedroom and filling the kettle 32 times for a bath in Dec...

Some men are just v. masculine about these things and see it as a sense of pride. I would be careful about handling this situ though as he will prob want you to congratulate him for a few years once he has finished his "project", and not realise how it is making you feel. He would prob be devastated to hear it is upsetting you as he thinks he is being a real hunter gatherer.

Must have been tempting to pay someone to do it as a birthday gift to him, no?

[NurseRatched]

The wall: yeah totally NBU, is he fecking Hadrian? > ... also apt that a MN named 'PinkFloyd' has replied. Seriously - YANBU [you have two jobs ]

[DeWe]

I'm just intriged by how you can extend your garden by 3 feet. Assuming you're not just pinching 3 foot of common land, or knocking back your kitchen by 3 foot how come the wall wasn't just built there is the first place?

[BerthaTheBogBurglar]

On Monday, talk to him. Start with what HandHolding said upthread about telling him that next time, big decisions like this have to be made jointly.

Tell him that you have looked after his children and his house single-handedly for however long it has been, in order that he can do what he wants.

Point out that he should have asked you first, to see if you were willing to do this for him. Tell him that you would have said no, and that, actually, you want something in return. You've done 6 weekends so far singlehandedly, which means he owes you 3 weekends. The fact that he has built a wall doesn't make any difference, since you'd have preferred to spend a hundred extra and get it done properly quickly.

Then tell him you've decided to take the first of those weekends off, next weekend. You will not be available for any childcare/household jobs/cooking at all, all weekend. (If you can manage it, go away!)

He can't carry on doing this, unless you let him. I know what you'd like is to spend the time with him and the children, all enjoying being together, but getting him to do his share is the first step.

and if he arranges for his mum to look after the kids for him, leave the bastard

[Abitwobblynow]

I dont' think you are being unreasonable at all.

When this is all finished, you must. YOU MUST go off and visit an old mate. Going on Friday evening, and coming back on Sunday.

Think of someone, ring them up and arrange it. Train, camping, off you go!

[EnjoyGOLDResponsibly]

The wall: yeah totally NBU, is he fecking Hadrian?

The birthday curry: YABU and I say that as someone who is also going out for DHs birthday to an Indian restaurant tonight, and I don't like curry either.

Having sad that, the alternative was me making dinner for 8 after being at work all day.

No brained really

[Vilt]

What nanny ogg just said, absolutely. YANBU at all

[Nanny0gg]

YANintheleastbitU.

Your husband is spending every weekend doing something he wants to do, and spending no time with his wife and children.

And it doesn't matter whose birthday or celebration it is, in this house, the chosen restaurant suits everybody,

(I don't like curry either).

[RandallPinkFloyd]

Wine. Wine from the bottom of the wine list

[THERhubarb]

Thanks all!

The dc's don't want to go anywhere near the blasted wall and yes, I am very very sorry I ever mentioned getting the wall done before winter, although it was MY idea to get builders in!

He's still out there, only now with axel grinders (?) and his mate is there all the time so I can't talk to him.

Yes I did make it very abundantly clear that I would appreciate this weekend as a family weekend. I could not have made it clearer. He has said sorry, but this weekend is a sunny one so he wants to get it finished and his mate wants his cement mixer back.

PinkFloyd, yes to all that. And you know what? Next weekend will be the same because they haven't finished the wall (just looked) and there is a fence that needs putting on top of the wall yet. One layer of the old back wall is still up (at my insistence as people could look straight in otherwise) and that will need bringing down plus dh wants to knock the mortar off so he can sell the bricks.

So this will not be the last weekend. I predict another 3 weekends in fact. This is why I'm so annoyed, because IT'S TAKING BLOODY AGES! As I knew it would and that's the reason I SUGGESTED GETTING BUILDERS IN!

So yes, normally I would go to the curry house on a Sat night with the kids - and I did try and fail to get a babysitter - and I would suck it up (I will not dress attractively and act shy for the waiters and even if they did pay me any attention, dh would not notice. He's never noticed before so I doubt he will now) but right now I am BLOODY ANNOYED.

I will try very very hard not to sulk, but how the hell do you snap out of it when you feel like smacking him round the head with the bloody cement mixer?

[RandallPinkFloyd]

I believe your DC's would love to know how to build a wall - very important they learn skills and I'm sure your DH would love some helpers.

Oh, forget all the other advice. This is the one ^^

[RandallPinkFloyd]

Of course you're being ott and ranting but you said that in the flipping op for goodness sake so I have no idea what all the wee humphy faces are in aid of.

What is MN for if it's not to let off a bit of steam?!

FWIW I completely understand where you're coming from OP. 6 weeks of spending the weekends looking after the kids alone would piss me right off. I can only imagine how much you regret even mentioning moving the fecking garden wall now!

I think Infinity has hit the nail right on the head. Being the "default childcare" is pretty wearing after a while.

It would be totally different if your DH had said in the week "Rhub, do you mind if I crack on with the wall on saturday? Only it's probably the last nice weekend we'll get in a while so I really want to get it finished. I know it's taken ages but next weekend we'll do something nice."

IMO what's unfortunate is the fact that it's all come to a head on a weekend that happens to involve his birthday.

Of course you'll suck it up, it's his birthday, you love him, and you're not a total cow (contrary to what some people seem to think!). However I suggest a quiet word next saturday about how the children are his responsibility as much as yours and that you are going out for the day and will be back in time for tea

[Latara]

HeathRobinson: Yes, i know. I'm sorry. I'm usually a good feminist but sometimes... i'm not.

I will award my first to, er, me & have a & a rethink on that one maybe.

[StepAwayFromTheORANGECakes]

I know exactly where you are coming from. I love my DH to bits BUT it often seems his needs come first. He does exactly what he wants with his life and the family fit in so when kids were little we went out at weekends walking and birdwatching cos that's his hobby. TBH he would compromise if I felt strongly about doing something else but apart from shopping I rarely feel like doing much else (boring) so I was happy enough to fit in with him. Now the boys are older they do their own thing and I am happy having the house to myself but sometimes I do get a bit pissed off that he does what he wants first and then chores, time with me come second. the assumption that all will be done in his absence is what niggles me, he doesnt expect it as such just doesnt and never has thought about it tbh, lovely man but inherently selfish and I guess I have allowed it. good job we love each other.

[Latara]

The Wall: suddenly become very helpful. Say you want to join him in his new hobby and so do the children.

Ask him and your bro-in-law for personal brick laying instruction; turn up in wellies etc. & start 'helping'.

Put a garden table next to the wall (wrap up warm though) & read a book there; get the kids to play nearby very loudly.

Offer tea & biscuits at regular intervals - make sure the biscuits take a lot of time to eat and must be his brother's absolute irresistable favourite type.

You will find the wall gets built very quickly & possibly completed by builders.

(Or you may find a flair for wall-building too. That would be ironic but you never know.)

Brother's House:
Use BIL's wife & daughters for information-gathering on BIL.
You need to make BIL your friend - so if he visits your house he should want to talk to you & your husband equally.

IME it's not normal to have a male/female split when you visit each other's homes.
You should all be able to talk together; if not then your DH should see BIL alone.
Splitting up the sexes to talk after dinner is straight out of Jane Austen.

Honesty:
Use subterfuge when it comes to certain things that DH won't budge on (eg. the Wall).

Use honesty too though - it is the best policy to be straight & honest.
Try really hard (like me at work!! It's very hard!!) to remain unemotional, calm, pleasant yet assertive when trying to get someone to listen.
Especially some men.

Be honest re: the restaurant; say you will compromise but you'd like to find other favourites too. Try Tapas, Turkish Restaurants, Thai etc - the children will enjoy it too hopefully.

Be honest re: visits to relatives. Say you'd like the family to stay together rather than split up after meals; it's old fashioned to do anything else.


You sound like a very lovely & caring wife & mother - but let things slide sometimes & let the small things go.
Eg. mud on the floor - just put sheets down for DH to walk on.

If you get cross over small stuff then he won't listen about the bigger stuff.

He probably does appreciate you in his own way; but it helps to keep men on their toes sometimes; just to remind him that he should appreciate you even more...