To have a quick rant and then get over myself?

[THERhubarb]

I'm too annoyed to analyse whether I'm being unreasonable or not now.

Brief summary: Our back garden can be extended by 3ft. All the neighbours have done theirs. I suggested we get someone in to do it before winter. Dh says that he'll do it as it'll be cheaper and done the way we (or should that read HE) wants it.

Every nice weekend we've had for the past 6 weeks has seen him working on the wall. He has to knock down ours and rebuild it 3ft back, incl foundations so quite a bit of work I realise. Every evening he comes back from work, he works on the wall (which he's admitted is now a bit of a hobby), finishes at around 6.30. We have tea, put the kids to bed and he falls asleep on the settee.

This is his birthday weekend. I've worked hard at 2 jobs for the past 3 months and we've hardly spent a weekend together. I finished early yesterday and cleaned the whole house from top to bottom. Today is a nice day but again, he's working on the wall. Has a friend in to help and will be out there all day. To top it off, he's brought something in from work to fix which is lying in my kitchen making the room smell very strongly of oil.

Now this bit prob is me being selfish but we're supposed to go out for a meal this evening. He's chosen a curry house. I hate curries. He has a curry every single week on a Sunday. A Sainsbury's one whilst the kids have a korma and I have to make myself something else. I really don't like curries at all.

So we've no babysitter (again), I shall drive us to the curry house, pretend not to be annoyed with him, pretend to enjoy my omelette and then drive home, put the kids to bed and watch him fall asleep on the settee. Oh and tomorrow we're going to his brother's because they are doing some kind of race. We have to be up early so there's no chance of a late night in any case.

Yes it's a rant and yes it's petty and hardly a problem compared to some but today I just feel really really pissed off and that's a problem if I am to try and remain cheerful for his birthday meal tonight.

[THERhubarb]

Oh and I never said that I was refusing to go to the curry house. That's not under discussion. Just that the idea of going for a curry with him after everything else was difficult to handle.

I have even asked for ways I can feel better about this and I have admitted to being selfish. Not sure I appreciate posts that are quite aggressive towards me merely to provoke a reaction? I am conceding points so not sure what else you want?

[MsOnatopp]

I don't know you OP, correct. You came on, gave info that you chose, asked a question and got my answer. Suck it up. I can not understand OPs that come on and then cant accept answers and get arsey.

This is a pointless thread, I'm out.

[sudaname]

Err - 'his brothers wife and their teenage daughter, whom you hardly know'.

Cant you get to know them ? or consider them as your sister in law and neice as most people would.

[sookiesookie]

you want advice?

I would let it go. Go speak to him and tell you don't want to fall out but you are unhappy. Tell him you would like to discuss it at another time.

Go out for the meal and your other plans. Then speak to him early next week.

This is what me and dh do. Put the disagreement to one side for a better time.

[HandHolding]

OP, I think it's easy to rip you down with all the very good arguments your DH actually uses himself.
'Look how much effort he is putting into it'
'Look at how much work it is'
''Look at the money yo are saving'
'It's his birthday, he can choose what to do' etc...

But what is missing here is
'Look at the effort the OP is doing when she is doing all the childcare, HW etc... every single weekend because he is building a wall'
'Look at how much he is enjoying his new hobby of building a wall'
'Look at the fact the OP no couple time at all left because he is always away' (and he is if he is spending the time in the evening and weekends either working on the wall, something he enjoys doing, or sleeping, because of working on the wall).

What I am getting here is that the Op is getting annoyed that her pov isn't taken into account. What they eat, how time spend with the family etc... none of the things that matters to her have been taken into account when the decision of building the wall by himself has been taken. Her DH decided to do the job (the O didn't want him to). He decided to spend his time doing that despite the fact it means he is not taking any notice of the consequences on her.

I am sure a little bit of recognition for her involvement in the job (which would have never happened if she wasn't doing all the childcare etc...) would have gone a long way and avoided any resentment on her part.

[MsOnatopp]

Sorry lady that was an assumption, you're right.

Also,sorry OP, I am getting arsey myself now. I think you are wrong but I'm being too harsh.

[InfinityWelcomesCarefulDrivers]

I think part of the problem here is the one that I have. OP is "default" childcarer. I wonder what would happen if she said "I am doing X this weekend" with the unspoken assumption that her DH would be doing the kid stuff. My guess is he'd ask "Who is looking after the children?". That is what he is doing to her.

[THERhubarb]

Oh good, she's out!

sudaname, yes I probably can get to know them but they are quiet and so am I which makes things difficult. I've had awkward moments with them before and tbh I've also been left sat on my own by them all whilst dh is offered beers and goes off with his brother.

But again, it's one of those things you have to do for the sake of family and so I'll do it. But if you add up all the concessions, there are quite a few being made for dh's sake.

Anyway, I've said I'm being selfish. He can carry on with his wall and I will smile and bring out cups of tea and we'll go for a curry and tomorrow I'll smile politely and try my best to get on and then I'll drive us all home again because dh will have been drinking and then starts another week.

I'll perhaps do something another weekend.

[HandHolding]

MsOnatopp are always so aggressive on saturday morning? late night last night and a bit hangover?

[InfinityWelcomesCarefulDrivers]

the issue for me is why does he say "I am building a wall this weekend" (and every weekend in the foreseeable future). What does he do with his responsibility as a parent?

[HeathRobinson]

Building a fecking wall is not "pissing about in the sun"..

It's a hobby wall.
With a mate.
And a couple of beers?
A nice chat.
No children bothering interacting with you.
No childcare.
No shopping.

6 fucking weekends of that?

That's what I call pissing about in the sun.

[THERhubarb]

sookie, thank you.
HandHolding, yes that's it exactly.

MsOnatopp, yes you are being harsh but I have conceded your pov.

[InfinityWelcomesCarefulDrivers]

No, you won't do omething another weekend unless you husband happens to be doing nothing.
Sorry - maybe projecting my own situation a bit too much!

[THERhubarb]

Again, sorry to drip-feed but last weekend was just so fucking bad and so stressful for me. I had a very upset ds. His best friend was also very upset so I had all that to deal with plus my anxiety about ds and his separation anxiety. Then dd and her friends wanting lunch and input into their homework project plus my work that needed finishing.

I just wanted a nice weekend. But it's his birthday and so every part of today and tomorrow is being done for him. I don't like it but I'm just going to have to lump it aren't I?

[SoleSource]

Yabvu

[THERhubarb]

And yes it is all a bit me me me me but that's what rants are. I'm ranting here so that I can try and compose myself for the rest of the weekend, so that I don't ruin what he wants to do on his birthday.

[MsOnatopp]

Haha, no Hand I'm tee total but I was a tad late to bed. More likely it's that I am stubborn and wont budge once I'm set on something. In this case turning into an arsehole as well. No excuse.

I did get aggressive. Sorry OP

[HandHolding]

OP, let it go today (and perhaps tomorrow too) and then have a word.
Tell him you are deeply unhappy that he is not taking you into account when he is taking decisions (whether it's building a wall or choosing what's for dinner).
Tell him that you feel taken for granted (which you are tbh) and this is not acceptable.
tell him that once this wall is finished, big decisions like this that have an impact on the whole family will have to be taken as a joint decision and that you will not accept that sort of arrangement again.

And most importantly, mean it and do it.

Oh and yes, go away on your own for the week end, leave the dcs with him and just assume he will be looking after them, do the HW etc... He might need a bit big wake up call as to what it involves.

[bbface]

Rhubarb, you have got yourself a bit worked up. I don't think you are being entirely unreasonable at all. But you are being ott.

Have a cup of tea and biscuit, leave everything for twenty mins, be alone. You will calm down and see the woods for the trees. This is not a big deal and not worth spoiling one of the last warmish sunny Saturdays we will likely have for the next 5 months!

I can relate, I get fired up and irritated and little things assume grand importance. But generally all I need is be alone for a bit, preferably with a cup of tea and something sweet, and I will perk up. Try it.

[fiftyval]

Hang on - the op has confirmed that it is not even his birthday to-day - his birthday is tomorrow. He is spending that day at his brother's house by choice. Therefore, he is getting to do what he wants to do on his birthday. Decisions as to what to do regarding a meal to-day are irrelevant it is not his birthday to-day.

[Gumby]

I'd go out
Take the kids to softplay & drink coffee while they tire themselves out
Don't see in & make them tea all day

[HandHolding]

Well it's obvious there has been a building up to this point. I didn't need you to tell me it's not just about this weekend but about all the stuff that has happened during the last 6 weekends that you've had to deal with on your own whilst your DH was 'building a wall'

[THERhubarb]

Right, I have to go to the supermarket.

I'm kinda regretting starting this thread now but hey ho.
What's done is done.

Thanks for the responses.

[sookiesookie]

OP i am willing to bet if you sulk and ruin this weekend you will end up feeling guilty. If it was last or next weekend i would be more on the yanbu side.

Still confused why gumby wouldn't take her kids to a curry house on a Saturday.