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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be unsure about FB pregnancy announcements.

110 replies

Mylittlepuds · 27/09/2012 19:37

The whole scan picture thing just makes me feel uneasy - it just feels too intrusive for me personally. But I can see that it's an 'easy' way of letting friends and family know in one swoop. What do others think? I'm wondering whether to do it (sans pic) in a few weeks time. However if the unthinkable happened, so many people would know. What's the best thing to do?

OP posts:

MrsTwinks · 27/09/2012 21:29

why not email everyone if you're not sure? one announcement would be ok IMO but don't go on about it, cos it can be a bit much

Upsetting people is an odd one. I don't get upset about the odd status or whatever, but some people do take the biscuit. I've seen someone on FB complaining about the baby kicking being a total PITA etc, knowing full well a mutual friend has had multiple missed miscarriages and finding it all very hard, and someone on mine at the minute keeps going on and on knowing that me and her should share a due date.

cogitosum · 27/09/2012 21:31

As I said I would never actually expect anyone to censor what they put. Just personally I found scan pictures (not announcements) upsetting as I just remembered my scan. But as said above anything could upset someone so you can't really censor everything

OvO · 27/09/2012 21:31

Oh I like it. Love scan photos too. And bump ones, really like those.

I even love a good poas photo and have analysed many when on TTC forums.

modifiedmum · 27/09/2012 21:34

i'm surprised people are so against it, why shouldn't it be ok to post your pregnant and scan photos? My mum had a miscarriage only a few years ago but wouldn't be offended if her friends/family posted they were pregnant :S I find that really odd. Even if i miscarried I wouldn't deny anyone else the right to post their photos, I think thats well out of order. I posted ALL my scan photos and didn't feel bad, the only people i have on FB ae people i care about anyway so i couldn't give a stuff.

HoratiaWinwood · 27/09/2012 21:36

I would say that it is actually easier to see a facebook anouncement than bumping into a friend with a big bump in the shop or for a family member to say oh did you hear cousin so and so is having another baby. At least with facebook you don't have to try to hard to hide your jelous face.

Yes, I have found this. Being put on the spot is very hard indeed.

Trazzletoes · 27/09/2012 21:51

Twinks see, knowing what people have gone through and being quite so insensitive says a lot about those people. I think I'd just hide their updates in those circumstances.

EthelredOnAGoodDay · 27/09/2012 21:51

I didn't put up the scan with either this or my previous pregnancy. It's jot really my cup of tea, but neither do I talk about my wonderful DD or 'hubby' ... I think both times I posted a comment about not fitting in my trousers and needing some maternity ones. I had a MMC in Feb and one of our good friends was pg at the same time as me. When she had her 12 week scan, the picture went up on FB and I have admit, with that pic and all subsequent ones til I had my positive 12 wk scan, I felt a pang of jealousy and a bit of sadness. I think for me, it was more that feeling of 'why can't I be telling people our good news.' I didn't feel offended by the scan pics, they just made me feel a bit.

MrsTwinks · 27/09/2012 21:58

Oh I do hide updates (infact the one that complaining I called out on it first) except that the pregnancy invades every sodding comment... argghhh (sorry to rant :S )

BrianCoxIsUpTheDuff · 27/09/2012 22:08

I announced my pregnancy and have just put up my 12 week scan.

I wanted to share it with important people, most of whom I don't see often.

I am not the kind of FBer with 100's of random people that i used to go to school with though, I have close friends, family and trusted MNers with a couple of colleagues sprinkled for good measure.

I have a couple of friends who have had fertility issues and one who's baby was born sleeping last year. I made sure I called/text/messaged them personally to warn them first. The response was positive and they thanked me for the consideration.

As much as I wouldn't intentionally upset anybody, I dont know half of what goes on in other's lives and can't censor my posts to accommodate everybody's feelings (that sounds harsh, it isn't meant to be). I have been upset by a few comments friends have put up and in those circumstances I just hid their updates.

Facebook is great for some, the biggest evil in the internet world to others.

It's up to the individual - if it doesn't feel right, don't do it.

JambalayaCodfishPie · 27/09/2012 22:10

Nothing pregnancy related hit my Facebook until my due date - when I posted my bump pic.

6hrs later the birth announcement was there too.

BrianCoxIsUpTheDuff · 27/09/2012 22:11

NatashaBee surely Feburary due date calculates at about 12 weeks

I'm 12 weeks, due date is 8th April.

EthelredOnAGoodDay · 27/09/2012 23:02

Yeah, I'm 15 weeks, due mid March.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 27/09/2012 23:11

Each to their own. I didn't but don't mind other people doing it.

What I can't bear is the judginess about people who tell early in case something goes wrong. I detest miscarriage being hidden away shamefully. Of course if you want to keep it to yourself that's fine. But I hate other people telling me that I shouldn't tell in case something goes wrong.

CailinDana · 27/09/2012 23:21

I put my scan picture up to announce my DS and future DC. I had told family and close friends either in person or on the phone and everyone else on my FB is a good friend, so it was important to me that everyone knew and it was a good way of doing it, seeing as most of them don't live close by. To be honest, if there was someone out there begrudging me my good news then I'd rather they deleted me as I wouldn't consider them a good friend. I've had MCs in the past and it was awful and it was hard hearing of others' pregnancies but I wouldn't be so selfish as to judge a friend or expect them to keep quiet just because of my misfortune. If you have friends on FB who you just keep around in order to sneer at and judge then good for you. I have better things to do with my time.

BartletForTeamGB · 27/09/2012 23:26

Oh gosh, no. Scan photos just slap you in the face, particularly when people change their profile picture to their scan picture and so you can't hide it without defriending them. At least, words don't have the same visceral effect.

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere · 28/09/2012 07:55

bartlet I feel that way about reams of photos showing 16th, 18th etc birthdays etc. they are like a kick in the teeth.
But I can't expect people not to post them. It's pretty much what FB is for.

I wouldn't put a scan up but that is possibly due to my age, I am not of the FB generation although I use it a lot.

Fwiw I don't think people should wait because miscarriage is shameful, if they do wait its more to protect themselves not other people.

YouOldSlag · 28/09/2012 08:04

If it's your baby your can do whatever you like with the news.

I don't agree that you should censor your news in case someone else has had miscarriages or is TTC. Joy is as valid as grief and both emotions are part of life.

I lost 3 pregnancies between DS1 and DS2 and I am still thrilled to hear pregnancy and birth, even more so in fact as I know what a minefield it can be.

By the same rule you could say don't mention Father's Day in case people have been bereaved, or don't mention your new job in case other people are struggling, or don't mention Mother's Day in case you upset someone etc.

You can't stifle life's celebrations, they are so important and life is precious and fragile. Joy is hard to come by sometimes, grab it with both hands.

EthelredOnAGoodDay · 28/09/2012 08:09

We have always kept pg news to ourselves until after 12 week scan, not because miscarriage is 'shameful' but because of how hard it is to tell people if something does go wrong. When I had my MMC, only one other couple knew we were pg, but after MMC was confirmed, we did tell close family and close friends and some of my work colleagues (as had to have a week or so off work post op). we just choose to not tell loads of people because after such good news, telling them the bad news would be, and was in our experience, very hard and very sad.
Each to their own though.

YouOldSlag · 28/09/2012 08:17

I posted pregnancy news on FB and that pregnancy ended at 17 weeks. I simply never mentioned it again and nobody asked. Those close to me knew.

It wasn't to do with shame but simply because it felt wrong to say our pregnancy had to be terminated for medical reasons and I would have felt like I would have to explain, so I didn't.

I still feel so happy for people when they announce pregnancy and birth news and love to see baby photos too.

HoobleDooble · 28/09/2012 08:28

I had a mc last year and don't feel my friends should have to censor their good news round me, life goes on and all that. I was more sensitive about the status updates moaning and groaning about heartburn, sore boobs, backache blah blah blah!

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere · 28/09/2012 08:32

I do understand why some people hate these announcements and scan pics though.
I am sure they are the last thing you need at times.

Badgerina · 28/09/2012 08:40

I think people can be a bit precious about Facebook and scan pictures. There have been a few articles in the Grauniad recently that have suggested it "compromises the integrity of the unborn child" or whatever.

I put ours up by way of announcement. For me it's a natural thing to do. I'm only friends with family, people in my life now and a select few people from my childhood. I did have one -bitch- friend tell me he thought putting a scan picture up was a bit twee but then he's actually a bitch and not really my friend so I blocked him

Badgerina · 28/09/2012 08:42

p.s great post OldSlag

tasmaniandevilchaser · 28/09/2012 18:14

Lots of people are saying "well I had mc last year/a few years ago and I think it's ok", without any appreciation of time passed. There's a world of difference posting scan pics/announcements if you know that a good friend has just lost a baby or had a failed IVF very recently. I think sending a personal message to anyone you know who might be sensitive is a lovely, thoughtful thing to do, trazzletoes.

But you might not know, some people are very private about pg loss or infertility, so it's impossible to think of everyone. Life does go on. I wouldn't ever have begrudged anyone a happy pg. But after 2 pg losses very close together I just stopped going on FB for a while. 6 months later, I'm in a better place now and I am back on there.

I still think there is NO place for constant whining about pg on FB.

Secondsop · 28/09/2012 19:01

Agree entirely re constant whining about pregnancy being out of order for a number of reasons. I also agree with posters who talk about exercising caution / sensitivity when you know a post will cause someone particular pain although I think that goes for anything, not just pregnancy/child things. A friend had a baby die at birth on the same day that one of her closest friends had a healthy baby, and the 2nd friend did something I thought was lovely on their 1st mother's day which was to post something saying "if you feel blessed to have a child in your life today why not donate to SANDS".

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