To think that ignoring bad behavior is f****ing ignorant old school behavior

[paranoid2android]

Im so depressed reading all these mums net threads that basically say 'just ignore it' about crying or other bad behaviors. This was the way I was parented 30 years ago ffs! If I wanted to parent like my own parents why would I need to go on an Internet forum to hear all about these old school parenting philosophies.
I know there are some great enlightened mums betters out there but you seem to be awfully quiet of late!!!

News flash mums betters - bad behavior is a red flag that your child needs connection and love to get on track again

News flash 2 - crying helps children release feelings do they can get back to their natural cooperative selves.

Your kids could be little Angels if you weren't so intent on ignoring them

If you ignore bad behavior it just gets worse because child feels even more rejected and alone when you withdraw connection
News flash mums betters

hi there, to be honest I regret starting this thread, and I'm really sorry to have offended and upset so many people. I just get sad that so many people use the behaviourist method of reward and ignore, when we are much more complicated than a dog.

to put it simply when a child has a tantrum, it seems like most parents choose to ignore, but the other alternative is not just to 'give in' to the child, you can offer love and affection while gently saying no you cant have the sweets etc. it helps the child deal with their feelings, whereas ignoring them doesn't

www.awareparenting.com/tantrums.htm

sorry again for offending so many people, I will leave this thread now.

You can reason with a tantruming child once the storm has subsided. Once they are becoming calmer - that's the time for love and cuddles, lots of reassurance (getting that upset can be scary for someone so small) and to talk about feelings and better ways of handling frustration etc.

In the middle of a tantrum? that's the time to ignore.

Why get sad when its bugger all to do with you? You deal with your kids and everyone else will deal with theirs.

I'm not going to click that link because its someones opinion, like there are millions of other opinions on the net, it doesn't make it right because there is a website.

Haha

If anyone could have reasoned and offered love to my ds1 when he was 3 and tantruming I would have given them the parent of the year award.

And FWIW it's not quite the same method you use with a dog.

pip rabbit, I'm not talking about reason, and using lots of words, just a few to tell the child that they are safe, and to stay close to them, offer eye contact, that's sort of thing, so that they know that their strong intense feelings are not rejected and unnacceptable.

we all get upset sometimes, we all feel the need to explode, hence my post this morning!!
we need to let our children know we love them unconditionally even in the midst of a rage we are always there for them,

I really can't believe that I'm the only one, who would feel bad to walk away from an upset child, whether it's 'real' tears or what we judge as 'fake'

Sadly we can't all be perfect parents like you, OP.

Or, its just your opinion and you haven't a flying fuck what you are talking about.

I never ever said the word 'reason'

you can't reason with a tantrumming child, because the rational part of their brain, the neo cortex is actually not working the emotional side takes over, and the reason the rational part shuts down, is because the child fell disconnected and sad hence the tantrum,
if you can stay with the child, they can get through the tantrum and end up happier, if you ignore, they will never be able to process their upset feelings, and continue to return to behaviour that is 'bad'

Well only skim read article but she states tears good ! Seriously I believe you are mixing the crying situations. However I do tend to think she making strong conclusion regarding the reduced drug/alcohol use if allowed to cry.

Paranoid you just need to stop preaching, really.

Some might agree with you, many (judging by this thread) don't.

When your child has his/her first tantrum think about how you handled it and how effective your method was long term, for your child.

Open your mind, you cannot learn everything about parenting by reading a book. Instinct and knowing your child have to factor too.

Actually OP your tantrum handling advice is bollocks. You appear to know not the smallest thing about positive discipline. You would do well to research a bit more thoroughly than the first rainbow-coloured website you click on.

it's both kinds of crying, tantrums as well if you read it carefully,

Hmm I'm between responding with:

"OP what the fuck are you talking about?"

and

"Oh thank goodness you posted this, I'm expecting DC1 in December and I was wondering how the fuck I am going to parent it - and then a snarky face like this "

So I'll do both, and you can take your pick.....

My mother used to ignore tantrums. I'm clearly still unable to process my upset feelings and behave badly as a consequence.

The neocortex is not working? That is BOLLOCKS.

You read a book on this theory lately by any chance? Some new bible you want to pass on?Because you sure as hell have no actual training in this area.

ROFL - Have you ever seen a child when they're fully into a tantrum?

Sobbing, redfaced, flinging themselves to the ground out of control tantrum (rather than just a bit angry)

Trying to do anything with them just prolongs it. They need to calm down, and the best way to do that is to move them somewhere safe (out of the middle of the shop/road/kitchen, kicking and screaming all the way) and retreat to the other side of the room and wait for them to calm down enough that a cuddle will actually help.

If your child is having a tantrum at home and you walk off and leave them to it (like I did this morning when Ds2 was acting like the world was ending because i wouldn't let him have chocolate fudge cake for breakfast), it'll last about 5 mins max. If you stand over them asking them what's wrong and lavishing them with attention, you could be there all day and they'll do it all the time- take my word as I did this with DS1 when I didn't have a clue and was as naive as you are. If you teach a child that crying and screaming will get them loads of attention, you really aren't doing them any favours as other kids will get pretty pissed off with them if they're still doing it when they're 7.

Surely it depends on things like the age of the child, what the 'bad' behaviour actually is, and why you think they're doing it? So sometimes it's appropriate to ignore, sometimes

I also thought this was the modern new-fangled parenting style (not rewarding bad behaviour with attention), old-school is getting a smack and sent to your room like we were as kids. Or maybe I'm older than the OP!

I've got children older than you, OP. I can assure you that my parenting didn't run down any single line. I neither ignored crying nor hit my children for alleged naughtiness. Of course, when I was a child when genuinely old school parenting exists, things were rather different because in the main, very little was child-centred.

I can't really make sense of your OP. I don't know where all this ignoring is going on. Nor that anyone thinks a child should be routinely ignored rather than have their needs met. However, there are times when taking no notice is almost certainly the best immediate course of action. Tantrums spring to mind here. But equally, you praise good behaviour. That's not ignoring. It's positive parenting.

The OP seems disproportionately upset at the mostly private business of how people decide to parent their children.

oops - I mean sometimes another approach might work better.

PS. How old are your children, OP?

Don't worry Ephiny, getting confused and all that. It's just a sign of ageing.

upsylazy,

it's called the 'broken cookie' phenomenon, when a child gets upset about something small, they use it as a trigger to release feelings, about other stuff that's been happening, hence why if you lavish them with attention they will keep going and going!
if there's a day when you have some extra time to listen, rather than walk away, yes he will tantrum more freely,
but in the long run you'll have a kid that tantrums less, because he knows that you will stay with him when instense feelings come up so he can get it all out of his system.
otherwise you are constantly walking on eggshells, avoiding tantrums, ignoring tantrums and worried about how people will stare at you in a public place,
children would be happy to let all their feelings out at home, so they would not cry in public, but because they are often ignored they need to look for things to cry about.

What I don't understand is why with all these new theories regarding parenting is children's behaviour meant to be getting worse and worse not better.

Are you going to answer any questions, OP?

THIS IS A THEORY, NOT A FACT. AND A STUPID, UNRESEARCHED, NOT BASED ON FACTS ONE.