To think that ignoring bad behavior is f****ing ignorant old school behavior

[paranoid2android]

Im so depressed reading all these mums net threads that basically say 'just ignore it' about crying or other bad behaviors. This was the way I was parented 30 years ago ffs! If I wanted to parent like my own parents why would I need to go on an Internet forum to hear all about these old school parenting philosophies.
I know there are some great enlightened mums betters out there but you seem to be awfully quiet of late!!!

News flash mums betters - bad behavior is a red flag that your child needs connection and love to get on track again

News flash 2 - crying helps children release feelings do they can get back to their natural cooperative selves.

Your kids could be little Angels if you weren't so intent on ignoring them

If you ignore bad behavior it just gets worse because child feels even more rejected and alone when you withdraw connection
News flash mums betters

[BaronessBomburst]

Hullygully All those years of pent up frustration! They will become axe murderers, mark my words. They'll write about it in The Daily Mail.

[CremeEggThief]

Praise and reward the good and insofar as possible, ignore the bad, is the message we got doing our Early Years P.G.C.E.... All the way back in 2008!

YABU.

[Proudnscary]

Jesus H Christmas - you're supposed to care if your kids cry and talk to them about their feelings? Why didn't somebody tell me?!

^that's sarcasm, that is

Look OP - parenting is a big messy jumble of loving, hugging, threatening, bribing, shouting, kissing, distracting, ignoring, listening...we are all just a-muddling through.

[Goatbongosanonynous]

OP, I thought you were serious until I read the bit about children really being little angels.
Gosh how I laughed!

[Softlysoftly]

I got involved in DDs tantrum the other day as I felt PILs eyes on me, MISTAKE.

Hugging her resulted in a sobbed/screamed "Don't loooook at meeeeeee" with much running and slamming by me.

Leaving her alone until it's passed then sitting cuddling and talking about why it happened means my 3 year old is very clear on her feelings.

[MadBanners]

"News flash mums betters - bad behavior is a red flag that your child needs connection and love to get on track again

News flash 2 - crying helps children release feelings do they can get back to their natural cooperative selves.

Your kids could be little Angels if you weren't so intent on ignoring them "

I do not ignore my kids, they are generally good, although not sure if I would want a "little angel"!!

Most kids are generally good, and sometimes do naughty things.

I ignore crying if it is crying as I will not allow them to have a second chocolate or something etc..I do not ignore crying if they are hurt/scared/truly upset about something.

Bad behaviour is not a red flag that my child needs connection and love to get on track again! What age children are we talking about anyway? pretty young if we are talking about crying and ignoring bad behaviour, what young child is off the track!?

My two sometimes are badly behaved as they are 3 and 4, and newsflash , that is what they do, they are testing boundaries, learning what is right and wrong.

Bad behaviour is dealt with as I see fit, sometimes it is ignored, depending on what it is, sometimes they are moved away etc, it depends on the behaviour.

[Pendeen]

paranoid2android

I think you have understood the reasons why so many contributors reacted the way they did.

My reaction to the title " To think that ignoring bad behavior is f**ing ignorant old school behavior " FWIW was, how strange, you have got that completely reversed!

[missymoomoomee]

parenting is a big messy jumble of loving, hugging, threatening, bribing, shouting, kissing, distracting, ignoring, listening...we are all just a-muddling through.

Never a truer word spoken.

[Proudnscary]

Many thanks missymoomoo

[Pandemoniaa]

If throwing massive tantrums had been approved as an Olympic sport, ds1 would have won a gold medal.

ds2, only 18 months younger was noted for his failure to throw tantrums. Not least, I suspect, because he'd worked out that tantrums were the least effective method of getting what you wanted.

This theory works for me although I would have liked the OP to come round and attempt to turn the red-faced, roaring bundle of unreasonability that was ds1 into a Little Angel.

[HereBenson]

I think the current trend for ignoring bad behaviour is meant to be counteracted by rewarding good behaviour.
When I was a baby babies who cried were regarded as naughty or attention seeking (Truby King had a lot to answer for and people were still trotting out his theories well into the fifties.) There wasn't a counterbalancing reward- good behaviour was expected so didn't need praising.
My DS and DiL constantly praise their DCs for good behaviour (to the extent that it gets a bit tedious!) but they are happy and content and mostly well behaved so they would say it works.

[upsylazy]

I've just spoken to both the psychologists and one trainee psychologist in my office, one of whom spent 9 years working with children with behavioural problems and their overwhelming consensus was that you're talking total bollocks. Broken cookie? What the fuck are you talking about? As I've already said, I did exactly as you're suggesting with DS1 and his tantrums got worse and worse until I actually asked for a referral to CAMHS. The paediatrician I saw advised that I take no notice of his tantrums and lavish praise on him for any good behaviour. It got worse for a while as he'd got so used to using hissy fits to get what he wanted but, when he realised it wasn't working any more, it stopped completely within weeks and he was much happier and our bond became much stronger. I actually felt terribly guilty that I'd got everything so wrong and created this monster when there was actually a very sweet boy underneath. And, by the way, I don't worry about tantrums in public and don't give a shit about people staring - you get pretty thick skinned after 3 DCs.

[sittingonthefence]

I am trying to work out if OP is either
a) very naive
b) a clever troll who has managed to get a universal YABU
c) a bored regular who is going to string us along and then come out with a big reveal shortly.

[imnotmymum]

You do realise that by ignoring us OP you will drive us to open the Friday wine to numb the pain

[Napdamnyou]

I kind of get where the OP is coming from - have a PFB and had a look round the Hand in Hand parenting site and others which advocate letting children have a good old weep in your arms while you sit calmly and hold them and let them get it out of their system. However, even these sites point out there is a time and a place, and it's better to step in before a tantrum if possible,mspotting hungry or over tired signs, setting boundaries. But even Harvey Karp,who iis a US paed I rate highly, advocates kind ignoring and says that a full pelt tantrum can't be cuddled out of. He endorses praise for the good behavior. And you can't stop everything and hold a tantrumming toddlers or an hour when you are also looking after other children, or in Tescos. The OPs tone doesn't help either.

Having a good old weep in a parent's arms is no bad thing but boundaries and kind ignoring until calmness returns ( then cuddling and getting on with life) is what most parents I know do instinctively. As with most theories, it's best to take the useful and not swallow wholesale,mas kids haven't read the books.

[exoticfruits]

just a few to tell the child that they are safe, and to stay close to them, offer eye contact, that's sort of thing, so that they know that their strong intense feelings are not rejected and unnacceptable.

Proof that OP has no experience if she thinks that you can get eye contact with a child having a tantrum!

otherwise you are constantly walking on eggshells, avoiding tantrums, ignoring tantrums and worried about how people will stare at you in a public place,

Why would you walk on eggshells? If they have a tantrum they have a tantrum-I will try and avoid with distraction but ignoring them doesn't bother me and people can stare! I am always sympathetic to those in public places-I commiserate and tell them not to worry because we have all been there.

I agree with Morloth-I parent the same way as my parents, and mine are long past tantrums and it has worked fine and they have turned out fine.

I would like OP to answer the question about the ages of her DCs.

[Pagwatch]

Good grief.

That is such bollocks.

You clearly have absoloutely no notion of how sensible parents ignores certain behaviours in the context of a warm loving communicative relationship. You are so far off on a tangent that I can no longer see you...

[OhChristFENTON]

She's over there Pag ->

[Pagwatch]

Tutus and wellies, surely Fenton?

I once picked dd up off the floor, tucked her under my arm and walked her all the way home while she screamed like a banshee. The reaction of passers by was hilarious.

[BeauNeidel]

'if you can stay with the child, they can get through the tantrum and end up happier, if you ignore, they will never be able to process their upset feelings, and continue to return to behaviour that is 'bad' '

Finding it odd that I, at the ripe old age of almost 30, am able to process my feelings even though I was ignored during a tantrum.

OP you are talking so much bollocks, it is transparent you have no children of your own, so I suggest until you do, not to go spouting off about how 'sad' it makes you when parents parent their own children!

[OneMoreChap]

Pagwatch only one of mine tantrumed. She used to be picked up out of the middle of the supermarket aisle and put down out of the way until she stopped kicking. She certainly got he full ration of crying.

Oh, and lots of mums going, "Eee, pick the wain up..."