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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to tell DS (6) to hit back if someone hurts him?

68 replies

MoomieAndFreddie · 25/09/2012 16:21

I am shaking with anger and close to tears.

Picked DS up from school and on the way home he tells me that a boy pushed him over in the playground, hurt his leg, then two girls jumped on the leg he had hurt.

He says he told his bitch teacher but it was nearly time to go back in the class so she just ignored him and told him to get in the line Angry

This is about the 3rd time something like this has happened, I won't have anyone treating any of my DC like a victim - I am that tempted to tell him to hit back, seeing as the fucking teachers dont even seem to give a shit

I was bullied all through secondary school and I swear if I had have just battered the first person who picked on me no one else would have! my teachers didnt give a fuck either and my parents told me to "just ignore them" or "tell a teacher" Hmm sorry but that just doesnt work

my school life was a living hell and the thought of any of my kids going through anything near as bad makes me want to throw myself off a bridge

sorry to be melodramatic but i think anyone who has been bullied will understand

OP posts:
TheHeirOfSlytherin · 25/09/2012 16:24

I may be the only person who will say this and will probably get flamed but YANBU.

Ignoring and telling teachers doesn't work. I know, I went through it for my entire time at high school. The only bully who left me alone was the one I punched back.

WorraLiberty · 25/09/2012 16:26

Calm down and stop projecting your own awful school memories onto your child.

You need to go into school/make an appointment and speak to the teacher calmly.

If when you've done that you're still not satisfied with her response, speak to the HT like an adult.

That should sort it out but if for any reason it doesn't, the Governing Body is your next port of call.

By all means teach your child to hit back if you must, but tell him to be prepared for them to hit him back much much harder.

RaisinDEtre · 25/09/2012 16:27

I think you should make an appt, discuss with teacher, express your concerns and ask what can be done to keep your child safe

Don't go in all gobby and gung-ho because there might, just might, be a side you don't know about at the mo

RaisinDEtre · 25/09/2012 16:28

Or what worra said

MrDobalina · 25/09/2012 16:28

WHAT??

2 girls jumped on his hurt leg?!?!?! Shock

is he getting picked on?

i would go and see the teacher yourself

I absolutely advocate giving a bully a thump in the nose; but i think you should give school a cahnce to sort it out peacefully first/ get their side of the story

MOST schools take a hard line on bullies these days-

Frontpaw · 25/09/2012 16:28

Go to the school land kick up a stink they won't forget. Demand punishment!!!

But... Don't tell him to hit back. He'll be the one in trouble! I'd look into martial arts classes for him too.

Sirzy · 25/09/2012 16:29

Worra has said it perfectly.

When he hits back there is also every chance he will be the one seen doing it and getting into trouble

GoldPedanticPanda · 25/09/2012 16:31

Everyone here will say no, but everyone in RL I know have all told their children to hit back if someone hits them. We were the only people that told our DS (5.5yrs) never to hit back, but after always being the bully victim we've eventually told DS that (1) he tells the other child to stop hitting him, if it continues then (2) tell an adult, and if he is still being picked on then he has to hit back. It has helped him a lot and he doesn't get picked on as much anymore.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 25/09/2012 16:31

I agree with Worra (and others). Calm down (I know how angry you feel but you won't be effective if you go in all guns blazing. Expect action but listen to what they have to say as well.

Tweasels · 25/09/2012 16:32

I think you are reacting in this way because of what happened to you and not what happened to him.

If there is a problem at school you need to go and deal with it in an appropriate manner. Calling his teacher a bitch is ridiculous.

My DS says all sorts of things have happened to him and when I've approached to school I've found out his side of the story was only half of it! This is probably not the case with your DS but it is definitely worth checking out.

History is not necessarily repeating itself and you have to be measured in your response and not punish his teachers for the mistakes yours made........unless they are at fault.

And I don't think there is anything wrong with children sticking up for themselves but hitting is not good in any situation.

aldiwhore · 25/09/2012 16:33

My son has been bullied. I was tempted to say "if someone hits you hit them" as in 'human' law I think it's justified.

However, once you return a hit, you're in a fight, and it doesn't matter who starts a fight, you're both in trouble.

School, social situations are loaded with politics. Also you have to understand that once both people have thrown a punch it is impossible mostly for an adult to decipher the truth... both get punished.

I would urge you to speak to the school, to teach your child how to get out of a situation rather than meeting out their own 'justice'.

Whilst its true that my ginger husband and his black mate only survived school because they hit back harder, they also didn't do themselevs any favours in the eyes of authority, and my husband at least regrets that he wasn't taught how to 'escape' nor was he protected by adults... it was a very different time, schoolyard scraps were completely normal, and all were punished, this made my DH hate school and he didn't get the educational experience (or the grades) he should have.

Even he can see that time has moved on, even though there is still bullying, evasive action is more important that fighting.

Be prepared for a long road, and lots of hard work, but my son is now happy in school not bullied at all, and friends with those who used to pick on him. He's developed skills to remove the 'target' he was, and the other children have been offered help to deal with their frustrations too. It took a long time, and I didn't give up, the school finally had to take note and act and when they did, they did brilliantly.

BlueberryHill · 25/09/2012 16:33

Second not going in gung-ho, I raised an issue about another boy. Today told both children were fighting in the playground, glad that DS has hit back (I know I shouldn't be, but I don't think that people like it when you fight back) but also mildly embarassing. Glad I didn't go in gung-ho.

I'm not saying this is the same situation but being reasonable and keeping in log in the first instance may be the way to go. Hope it works out.

Diddydollydo · 25/09/2012 16:34

I have always raised my DCs never to hit back but to walk away and tell someone. This worked fine until my DS was around 8 and became known as the kid who tells tales. He was a 'baby', 'grass', 'deserved a kicking'. I had been in to school so many times I lost count and then DS actually got the kicking they had been promising him with for 6 months. The lunchtime assistants, teachers and HT put it down to boys 'high jinx' until I advised them that he had a fractured arm, I was involving the police and he would not be returning to that school.

Now I tell him if anyone hits him to hit them back and hit them harder. I'd love to say YABU but you're not.

dawntigga · 25/09/2012 16:34

As somebody bullied throughout school YANBU, in our house we say you never hit first.

WearingFlameRetardantKnickersTigga

WorraLiberty · 25/09/2012 16:37

However, once you return a hit, you're in a fight, and it doesn't matter who starts a fight, you're both in trouble

That's exactly it and the OP had better hope her son is 'good' at fighting.

Despite some anecdotes, please don't get the romantic notion in your head that if he hits back once, that's all it will take and the bully will limp off crying into the sunset.

For all you know they might hit him back harder and break his nose.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 25/09/2012 16:37

Diddy

That was crap school. I'm so sorry, because that's exactly what most of us fear happening and it happened to your DS.

My DSs school is pretty hot on bullying and this would never happen. They dealt with my son's bullying really well.

CaliforniaLeaving · 25/09/2012 16:38

I always told my boys never to throw the first punch, but if someone was coming back to punch you a second time, you have my permission to punch them.
Ds 1 never needed to use this, Ds 2 only used it one time, and no one tried it on him again.
Dd will be told the same thing should trouble start.

LeeCoakley · 25/09/2012 16:38

Always try to get the scenario in perspective first. Was it at the end of play? A bit of pushing and shoving to get to the line first? Girls didn't see him and tripped over him in the melee? A child's view isn't always the absolute truth of what happened even though it is to them. Obviously if it is being done with malicious intent then you need to make an appointment with the teacher and discuss it. In the meantime asking the right questions of your dc often gets to the truth quicker! Good luck.

WorraLiberty · 25/09/2012 16:38

I should add though I've always taught my kids to never stand there and 'take it'...as no-one has the right to hurt them.

I've taught them that if needs be, they can give them an almighty shove to the ground in order to get away and tell someone.

EdMcDunnough · 25/09/2012 16:39

Can you take him out of this particular school? It sounds like they aren't looking after him very well.

EdMcDunnough · 25/09/2012 16:41

Jesus and it's a primary school.

No, you don't tell him to hit back. He'll almost inevitably get the blame.

You speak to the teachers, you speak to the HT and if they won't put measures in place to sort out this shit, you take him out and send him somewhere proper that looks after the kids.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 25/09/2012 16:42

Ed

I think that's a slight over-reaction to one incident.

Diddydollydo · 25/09/2012 16:42

It was horrendous Jamie and I still feel that I was the one who let him down. I kept going in, kept going through the proper channels and nothing helped. This was an Ofsted outstanding school who claimed to have a zero tolerance stance on bullying. I'll never forgive myself that somehow I wasn't able to protect him from all the shit he put up with and I feel it was my fault for always telling him to walk away.

There has been one incident since then at his new school when he was kind of caught in the crossfire of another incident. But he did hit back that time and has had no trouble since in the last few years. I don't want him ever to start a fight but, now, if he chooses to finish it I have no objection.

DoMeDon · 25/09/2012 16:42

Bullying is more than hitting though. It's all well and good hitting back but, as many have said, he might get hit back harder, or they bring friends or, in my case, they get their BF to wait for you to get off the train then attack you. Better to deal with it appropriately and get down there.

Also why are they bullying him? Getting to the nub of that is a good thing. It is not his fault he is being bullied but many people I know, including me, would've had an easier ride if the 'thing' was addressed.

baskingseals · 25/09/2012 16:43

yanbu tell him to hit him back. it goes against the grain and everything you have ever taught them, but it is the ONLY thing that stops the whole sorry story unfolding.

I do not think you are overreacting at all and can see why you are so angry with the teacher who took NO action to protect your son.

hope you are feeling a bit better.

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