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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to tell DS (6) to hit back if someone hurts him?

68 replies

MoomieAndFreddie · 25/09/2012 16:21

I am shaking with anger and close to tears.

Picked DS up from school and on the way home he tells me that a boy pushed him over in the playground, hurt his leg, then two girls jumped on the leg he had hurt.

He says he told his bitch teacher but it was nearly time to go back in the class so she just ignored him and told him to get in the line

This is about the 3rd time something like this has happened, I won't have anyone treating any of my DC like a victim - I am that tempted to tell him to hit back, seeing as the fucking teachers dont even seem to give a shit

I was bullied all through secondary school and I swear if I had have just battered the first person who picked on me no one else would have! my teachers didnt give a fuck either and my parents told me to "just ignore them" or "tell a teacher" sorry but that just doesnt work

my school life was a living hell and the thought of any of my kids going through anything near as bad makes me want to throw myself off a bridge

sorry to be melodramatic but i think anyone who has been bullied will understand

OP posts:

ll31 · 25/09/2012 16:44

Always said don't hit first but do hit back.

EdMcDunnough · 25/09/2012 16:45

It's the third time it's happened.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 25/09/2012 16:47

Quite right Ed, did not read carefully

FannyFifer · 25/09/2012 16:47

If someone hits my children then they have my full permission to hit back.

EdMcDunnough · 25/09/2012 16:48

Sorry, you're right though, I was talking forcefully - partly taking the OP's lead and partly wound up over a thread about something else which I've just hidden.

I was feeling rather forthright.

Diddydollydo · 25/09/2012 16:48

DomeDon the nub of the matter with my son was that he went and told the teachers (as I had told him to) and he got a rep as a grass. It only happened a couple of time but it was enough to start it off and keep it going.

EdMcDunnough · 25/09/2012 16:50

Fwiw ds1 got beaten up in reception - by another reception boy, I think, the teachers knew nothing or told me nothing, he had a huge bruise on his head apparently from being bashed on the ground or against some railings repeatedly.

I came to the conclusion that there were too many children to the teachers, there was uselessly inadequate supervision and I took him out.

Nothing like that happens where they go now. It is NOT acceptable, particularly that the teachers aren't interested.

Lueji · 25/09/2012 16:52

My DS is being taught to grab the bully and control them.
(not that he is being bullied)

A girl went to his class and applied the tactics to some girl bullies at her school and they did stop.

He may need to be assertive, rather, though, in telling those children that if they ever do that again he will tell the teachers after knocking them down.
Practice at home.

Ultimately, though, you should talk to the school and report it so that they can keep an eye on it and have some anti-bullying action.

DoMeDon · 25/09/2012 16:57

That is hard for you, DS (and the teachers) to tackle. I still think speaking to the teacher is the best route. But if you must urge him to fight back, please get him some self defense/martial arts lessons. They are good exercise and good for self esteem/discipline either way.

NameChangeGalore · 25/09/2012 17:05

I think if you have discussed this with the teacher, and the hitting still doesn't stop, then yanbu to tell him to hit back. I've told my DD that she's allowed to hit back if anyone continually hurts her.

lovesmellingthecoffee · 25/09/2012 17:07

Never hit first
Never tell tales
Make sure the teacher isnt watching when you throw your punch

mummytime · 25/09/2012 17:22

YWBU - sorry, but it will only end up in your DS being the one excluded.

Instead take a picture of his injuries. Take him to see your doctor. Start recording in a diary bullying incidents.
Tomorrow go and see the head about the incident, see if it is recorded in the accident book, and ask what is going to be done. I would probably follow this up with something in writing. Generally keep complaining, if you aren't satisfied then write to the governor in charge of safeguarding, as this is an issue of the school keeping your son safe.

YouMayLogOut · 25/09/2012 17:35

Keep a diary of events with dates.

Escalate the complaint as necessary. Speak to 1) the teacher 2) the headteacher 3) governors 4) county council 5) OFSTED.

At any time, consider whether moving to a different school could be the answer, if the school are not addressing the bullying properly.

No to hitting back. Two wrongs don't make a right and could make things a lot worse.

Jelly15 · 25/09/2012 17:36

I would calmly discuss the situation with the teacher, then if the problem persists explain to your DS thet he can defend himself but never hit first.

I was bullied at secondary school and I got to the point where I hit back. Problem solved.

My DSs went to Tae Kwon Do lessons from a young age where it is drummed into the only to fight in supervised lessons etc, however they were able to use their skills to block punches etc.

MrsMellowDrummer · 25/09/2012 17:46

I can't believe how many people here are saying they think it's ok to hit back.

It's not. Ever.

But the situation does need addressing.

cansu · 25/09/2012 17:47

I was going to say calm down and go and speak normally to the teacher, but given that you are calling his teacher a bitch and being generally unpleasant I think it would be a waste of time. Telling your lovely reception age child to hit back is going to totally undermine what the school will be trying to teach the children about how to treat one another. Probably the boy who has hurt your son has grown up in a home where his parents have told him its ok to hit others too. Is this what you want for your ds?

Badvoc · 25/09/2012 17:52

Take photos of the bruises.
Make an appt with the ht.
Tell them you will be putting your complaint in writing to the BofG and if it is not dealt with to your satisfaction ofsted.
There is a national anti bullying week in NC I think?
Perhaps the school should be taking part?
That should make them take notice.
Pleas don't tell your ds it's ok to hit.
It isn't.
Ever.

Kaekae · 25/09/2012 18:04

I have always told my son to tell a teacher however, he is now in Y1 and seen as a soft touch because he never hits back as I have told him not to. The other day a boy did a similar thing dragged my son across the playground, flung him to the ground and then jumped on his leg. When I asked him whether he told a teacher he said yes but was just told to just get in line as the bell had gone! So I have had to start telling him to hit back, it is a shame but if a teacher can't be bothered or won't do anything, there is nothing left but to give them a clout back!

FannyFifer · 25/09/2012 18:04

mrsmellowdrummer really, it's never ok to hit back, really?

So if you child has been cornered unseen by an adult and another child is beating the crap out of him, then what, he just stands there and gets hit?

Hitting back is a last resort, if there is no other option then damn sure my kids will punch, push or kick, whatever it takes for them to get away from that situation.

Feminine · 25/09/2012 18:07

I have always told mine to walk away.

Until this year it worked well. There is a kid in DS9 class that can not keep himself to himself, he gave DS a bloody nose on his first day. When DS tells me he has hit him back I pretend I haven't heard ;-)

It is a very difficult thing to deal with.

I wouldn't advocate pushing, a child could push too hard and cause dreadful injuries.

Well, I guess its always better to tell a teacher, and hope that ,that teacher looks out for the victim.

baskingseals · 25/09/2012 18:13

it's not about telling dc that it's ok to hit. it's not, that's the point.

it's telling them that if somebody is repeatedly hitting them it is ok to hit them back.

i think in this situation the op is allowed to feel let down and angry with the teacher. cut her a bit of slack for goodness sake.

Feminine · 25/09/2012 18:16

Yes, seals I agree.

It gets old real fast when its your child being hurt.

It shouldn't happen, I'm surprised it still does.

Coprolite · 25/09/2012 18:22

Mine have been told to hit back.

I have told the teacher that I have told them this.

I would rather they got in trouble for fighting than got bullied.

That's the bottom line.

Not4turning · 25/09/2012 18:23

My ds was going through this in year 2/3. I told him to fight back but he was worried about getting in trouble.

I told him to hit the bully,then cry so that the bully got in trouble, no chance.

After this I just left them to it. They are primary and ds is on his third year of karate.

Senior school may offer up more problems and to be honest I am dreading it. I will not be able to intervene via the parent as easily as I can now.

MrsMellowDrummer · 25/09/2012 18:30

I can recommend this book for primary aged children: www.amazon.co.uk/Bullies-Bigmouths-So-called-Friends-Alexander/dp/0340911840/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1348593911&sr=8-1

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