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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...or is the nanny out of order?

112 replies

twilight3 · 24/09/2012 17:48

quick background, needed after school and school holidays nanny, interviewed a few people, someone got the job, two weeks in I'm afraid I've made the wrong decision.

She will simply NOT discipline the children in any way and then complain to me about their behaviour, as if there's anything I can do by proxy. I have discussed it with her, she doesn't want the children to "dislike" her if she sets rules. I knew that she only had experience with young babies, but she's a qualified school teacher, I assumed she knew something!!!

My daughter has selective mutism, she asked me in front of her "what is WRONG with her", I discussed it later in private, she said blandly that she thinks the girl is playing us (DD btw is a girl that came to us after both her parents were killed).

Called me at work to ask me what to do about my son as he was having a tantrum!!!

Wants me to sign that she won't be responsible if the children break anything at home (which I never thought she would be, but it seems a bit weird -like there will be lack of supervision).

Wants to go home fro Christmas, when this is the busiest time of the year for both myself and my husband, and she knew that from the off. Now she's whining at me about not being with her family on Xmas day (boo-effing-hoo) and when I tried to work out something so she can go home for 4 days she said it's not worth the trip (3 hours drive) and she wants to go for at least 10 days to be worth her while!!!! This is not a baby, it's a 25 yo woman.

She'd be out of the door if my son didn't love her so much.

When she's with the children playing, she's like a child herself adn they have an amazing time, so I don't know what to do...

Am I the boss from hell, or is she a nightmare of a nanny?

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 24/09/2012 17:51

I'm not surprised she's upset at not being with her family for Xmas. Was this made very very clear to her on offer of the job, that she would be working Xmas Day?

IneedAsockamnesty · 24/09/2012 17:51

your son loves her after 2 weeks? thats insane

CajaDeLaMemoria · 24/09/2012 17:55

I've worked as a nanny for a variety of families. Each had different rules discipline wise. Some families - especially foreign ones, in my experience - do not want the nanny to discipline the children. Instead the behaviour is reported back, and the parent handles discipline/punishments.

Is it possible that this is what she is used too, and you just need to guide her by telling her that she can discipline your child in the following ways - perhaps giving her examples too? So telling her what action you would have taken if your son was having a tantrum - putting him in his room until he apologises, taking away treats, etc.

Maybe she's just unsure? It does sound odd, but I'm hoping it will be something like this that is easily rectified if your son loves her. It could also be that she is inexperienced with discipline, if she has only worked with babies, and needs guidance on how exactly to do it. You aren't really taught that on a teaching degree.

With regards to mutism, thats a bit more serious. Perhaps mention the ways your daughter does communicate, and hope that she picks up on how sensitive an issue this is?

You could offer some more guidance, and if necessary make a timetable of the activities you'd like your children to do, and then monitor the situation for a week or two? Hopefully she'll pick it up quickly.

She knew about Christmas, so it's a non-issue. Perhaps she didn't think she'd get the job, or didn't really consider it? Regardless, she agreed to work, and I had some of my best Christmasses with my charges. They add a childlike wonder to the day that you just can't get if you don't have children around. And she'll have time to speak to her family, I expect.

I hope this has helped a bit!

londonone · 24/09/2012 17:55

Is Dd adopted then? Did she go though some sort of trauma? What about Ds?

WorraLiberty · 24/09/2012 17:56

Your son has seen her after school for 2 weeks and he actually loves her? Confused

SoleSource · 24/09/2012 17:56

You want her to look after your children on Christmas day?

Think she is better off leaving you.

seoladair · 24/09/2012 17:57

I don't think it's unreasonable of her to expect to spend Christmas at home, unless you specifically contracted her for Christmas.

If she has only been working for you for 2 weeks, maybe she wants to find her feet before disciplining the children.

I don't think she should have asked what was wrong with your daughter in front of her.

PurplePidjin · 24/09/2012 17:57

"Now she's whining at me about not being with her family on Xmas day (boo-effing-hoo)"

For this, YABU.

Tweasels · 24/09/2012 17:57

This makes no sense. Are you trying to provoke a reaction or do you want genuine advice. I'll assume the latter.

Did you let her know your daughter has selective mutism? Have you explained to her how you deal with it as a family?

As above, did she know she was expected to work over Christmas?

Why would you have no sympathy about someone not getting home for Christmas. That makes you sound a tad unpleasant.

diddl · 24/09/2012 17:59

""Now she's whining at me about not being with her family on Xmas day (boo-effing-hoo)"

For this, YABU"

2nd that-makes you sound bloody horribly uncaring/unfeeling.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 24/09/2012 18:00

I'd get rid of her personally. Don't know what the entails but the major issues (not setting rules, no tellings off, being negative about your DD) are alot bigger than her good points. Your DS will get over her leaving.

As for the christmas thing, well I get she is upset (I would be) but as long as she knew the deal then she can't complain.

Dogsmom · 24/09/2012 18:00

If you are this unhappy already I'd just tell her it isn't working out, did you employ her on a trial basis?

fairyfriend · 24/09/2012 18:01

I was assuming she's working over the Christmas period, not actually Christmas day, as the OP said she'd offered her 3 days off but that wasn't enough.

OP, if she's a qualified teacher, why isn't she working as one? This should tell you a lot.

She sounds terrible.

GhouliaYelps · 24/09/2012 18:03

She may have some settling in issues yes, but you sound plain nasty with your comments.

fedupofnamechanging · 24/09/2012 18:08

If you made it clear that working over Christmas was expected, then she has no right to be complaining about it now. I don't know anyone who would consider a 3 hour drive followed by 4 days off, to be not worth the effort of bothering.

I would sit down with her, explain exactly what your expectations are and tell her she can leave now, with no hard feelings or she can get on and do the job she agreed to do. Very much a take it or leave it conversation.

I think it is unfair to judge her on the grounds that she isn't working as a teacher. Plenty of people qualify and then decide that it isn't the career for them. There's nothing wrong in that.

horsebiscuit · 24/09/2012 18:09

The bit where you complain about her wanting to see her family at Christmas makes you sound like Polly Filler out of Private Eye.

KenLeeeeeee · 24/09/2012 18:10

Can you clarify the Christmas issue - do you expect her to work Christmas Day (and Eve and Boxing Day for that matter), and if so, was this made explicitly clear when she was offered the job?

If you want her to work Christmas but didn't tell her upfront, then YABVVVU to think "boo-fecking-hoo" to her upset over it.

Otherwise, she was BU to ask what is "wrong" with your DD wrt the mutism. I don't know anything about it, but I can imagine that if she's experienced the trauma of her birth parents being killed, she needs a lot of sensitive care, not the sort of attitude exhibited there by the Nanny.

Discipline is a tricky area too. I wouldn't want a CM or Nanny to punish my children for stuff they did; I would much rather that problems were reported back to me so I could deal with discipline. She does need to know how to handle a tantrum though and not ring you every five minutes (hyperbole, I know) if there's a hiccup. I don't see how you could hold her accountable for anything that gets broken by your children in your home while she's caring for them anyway though, so the bit of the contract about that makes no sense to me.

LittleBairn · 24/09/2012 18:14

Surely you would have told the nanny your daughter was selectively mute BEFORE they met?
It was tactless of her to ask in front of your DD but I'm just as surprised that you didn't tell her of the situation.
Her attitude alone ' she's playing you' would have had me terminate her employment.

I find her lack of discipline strange she seems to want to be the kids best friend which is rather immature IMO a good nanny understands that you can still be in charge but have a good loving relationship with the children.
It sounds like she lacks a lot of experience but she sounds more like Ann Aupair than a nanny so I suppose she is inexperienced.

Your attitude over Christmas is rather heartless ( I do understand your irritation when it was made clear in advance) the fact that you can't sympathise with her being upset suggests you just don't like her.

I would let her know you are unhappy with her and line out in writing what you expect from her letting her know she has two weeks to show some improvement or you will give her notice.

honeytea · 24/09/2012 18:17

She should never have had to ask about your dd's mutism as you should have told her before she even met your kids.

What discipline do you use? Have you gone through how you deal with situations and what tge consequences are for naughty behaviour when you are in charge?

You sound cold regarding the Christmas issue, I'm not sure if this was pre arranged but either way you should have a little more empathy for her feelings.

Your ds living her after 2 weeks indicates to me that he isn't getting enough attention/love from you his primary carers.

mum4041 · 24/09/2012 18:20

Do you have expensive items that dc might break? If so, put them away for a few years.

How badly behaved are your dc? If she's trying to build a relationship it can be difficult if you're having to put basic discipline in place, if there is nothing in place already. Especially if a parent isn't backing you up. You say your dc are school age but having tantrums? That can't be easy.

You need to explain about your dd's background and the selective mutism. Otherwise it comes across as defiance/rudeness.

Xmas - were the days you offered over xmas day/boxing day? If not, I do think YABU.

On the whole, I wouldn't want to work for you. You seem to want to just say "deal with it" rather than working with her for solutions. You don't sound like you have any respect for her.

GoldShip · 24/09/2012 18:24

'Now she's whining at me about not being with her family on Xmas day (boo-effing-hoo'

For that alone you're unreasonable.

, I wouldn't work for you from how you come across in your OP

Sirzy · 24/09/2012 18:24

Did you not sit down with her before she started to ensure she knew anything important about the children and their backgrounds? Did you let her know about what is normal discipline wise?

GreenEggsAndNichts · 24/09/2012 18:29

Now she's whining at me about not being with her family on Xmas day (boo-effing-hoo)

YABVVU for this alone.

(yes sure fine, make her work Christmas day, it's in her hours and yadda yadda, but you being so flippant about it, and THEN tacking on "this is a 25 year old woman we're talking about!" is heavily ironic. boo-effing-hoo makes you sound like the child here.)

Doha · 24/09/2012 18:29

I think posters are missing the point that the OP ofered her 4 days off over Christmas and she didn think that long enough. My DD lives 3 hours away and last year came down on Christmas eve and left late on Christma day as she wanted to see her amily. Do in this point (apart from your attitude) l think you were being very reasonable.
As to the other issues did you not discuss your DD's selective autism before she took the job? Did you give her clear instructions/guidelines on wgat her exact role and responsibilities would be?

Queeg500 · 24/09/2012 18:30

The 'boo effing hoo' makes you sound very unsympathetic OP, but I don't think you're being that unreasonable if you've offered her four days off and it's not good enough for her. She definitely needs to sort out the discipline issues, she can't be afraid to be charge in case the children don't like her.