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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...or is the nanny out of order?

112 replies

twilight3 · 24/09/2012 17:48

quick background, needed after school and school holidays nanny, interviewed a few people, someone got the job, two weeks in I'm afraid I've made the wrong decision.

She will simply NOT discipline the children in any way and then complain to me about their behaviour, as if there's anything I can do by proxy. I have discussed it with her, she doesn't want the children to "dislike" her if she sets rules. I knew that she only had experience with young babies, but she's a qualified school teacher, I assumed she knew something!!!

My daughter has selective mutism, she asked me in front of her "what is WRONG with her", I discussed it later in private, she said blandly that she thinks the girl is playing us (DD btw is a girl that came to us after both her parents were killed).

Called me at work to ask me what to do about my son as he was having a tantrum!!!

Wants me to sign that she won't be responsible if the children break anything at home (which I never thought she would be, but it seems a bit weird -like there will be lack of supervision).

Wants to go home fro Christmas, when this is the busiest time of the year for both myself and my husband, and she knew that from the off. Now she's whining at me about not being with her family on Xmas day (boo-effing-hoo) and when I tried to work out something so she can go home for 4 days she said it's not worth the trip (3 hours drive) and she wants to go for at least 10 days to be worth her while!!!! This is not a baby, it's a 25 yo woman.

She'd be out of the door if my son didn't love her so much.

When she's with the children playing, she's like a child herself adn they have an amazing time, so I don't know what to do...

Am I the boss from hell, or is she a nightmare of a nanny?

OP posts:

GreenEggsAndNichts · 24/09/2012 20:17

Anyway, have seen your response now. I have to agree, I think the Christmas break you've offered is very reasonable.

I wish I could offer suggestions, but I have no experience with nannies. My sympathies, though, I hope you can sort things out.

foreverondiet · 24/09/2012 20:18

I think totally reasonable of her to want to spend xmas day with family - I have always given 2 weeks of her choice plus at least 2 weeks of my choice (usually ends up being closer to 4 weeks) and if she wants more than the statutory days at Xmas she takes them out of her days - its her choice when she takes her days so if its over Xmas then thats up to her. So on that I think YABU.

re: your DD - did you discuss this before she took the job - if not then again YABU because its a significant behaviour issue and I would discuss all issues (eg my son has temper tantrums etc) before I offered someone a job. If you did discuss in detail before she took the job then she is being U.

re: your son - yes a bit unreasonable to call you at work - I would deal with it by saying later, when the DC where not around that you expect her to be able to deal with DS's tantrums so yes perhaps she was a little unreasonable for that.

So to answer your question - I don't think she is a nightmare of a nanny, but if you didn't communicate before you employed her the christmas issue, your DD's issues then you are a bit of a nightmare of an employer.

foreverondiet · 24/09/2012 20:21

Sorry didn't see your response - yes if the mutism etc was all discussed in advance she is being unreasonable and need to start again with new nanny.

WineOhWhy · 24/09/2012 20:25

Christmas: she is being unreasonable to complain if it was made very clear to her that she has to work at christmas, but not unreasonable to be upset about it and you could be a little understanding of that. She is also very unreasonabel that it is not worth drining for 3 hours for a 4 day trip. I would never see any of my family if we took that view.

Discipline: different parents have different approaches to discipline and it is absolutely something I would discuss at an interview. If you did discuss this and she is simply not implementing then YANBU. If you did not discuss then YABU.

DD: She is very unreasonable to raise in front of DD and to suggest she is playing you. If you did not explain to her in advance, you were being very unreasonable.

DS: YABU to think they have such a strong bond after 2 weeks.

exoticfruits · 24/09/2012 20:32

I don't think that she is the right nanny for you but I can't see that any nanny would expect to work Christmas Day - and they need reasonable travel time.

WineOhWhy · 24/09/2012 20:34

Ignore last 2 points having read your later email. I think she is very much the unreasonabel one here.

Jomato · 25/09/2012 05:48

Given the needs of the children I do wonder if you working outside of school hours really is in their best interests. Has the possibility of applying for a special guardianship order with the local authority continuing to pay fostering allowance been considered? This would give you parental responsibility, eliminate the need for sw to stay involved but take some of the financial pressure off you. Might be worth considering given your experience with this nanny.

Longtalljosie · 25/09/2012 05:58

Good grief, she only lives 3 hours away and she'll be home by Christmas Eve night! Very little patience with this sort of thing - she knew what you needed when she took the job.

I am sorry you've been bitten by this and have had to go through so much clearance etc only to discover she's unsuitable - but she is unsuitable and that's all there is to it. Your children are especially vulnerable and in your DS's case, acting decisively and quickly is best, because if he "loves" her after a fortnight, it'll be much worse after a month.

If SS have been excellent, I would call them and tell them your concerns, and ask for advice on how to handle this with the children.

DowagersHump · 25/09/2012 06:12

I would not want anyone looking after my children if they believed that selective mutism is a result of being 'defiant and spoilt'. I wouldn't want anyone looking after my children who would ever describe a child as 'defiant' actually.

Sorry you've had such a crap experience

HissyByName · 25/09/2012 07:33

I agree, she ought to go, she'll be on best behaviour only 2 weeks in....

Your children need a really special person to be their nanny, she's not it.

brandysoakedbitch · 25/09/2012 07:37

Now she's whining at me about not being with her family on Xmas day (boo-effing-hoo)

nice... really nice. Says so much more abut you than it does her.

exoticfruits · 25/09/2012 07:38

While I can have every sympathy I don't think that 'boo-effing-boo' was a nice comment even if angry - Christmas away from your family is a big issue.
I think that you needed a long chat about the problems and how to handle them before she met the children. If she is a qualified teacher why isn't she teaching? Has she managed to get a teaching job ever? If so have you had a reference from the last Head? She sounds rather like a failed one to me.

exoticfruits · 25/09/2012 07:40

You really needed to discuss the selective mutism first. I have only come across two in my teaching career and I was given advice before I met them.

CouthyMowWearingOrange · 25/09/2012 07:53

I assume the boo-effing-hoo about Christmas is because she would, in fact, rather be with her DC's herself at Christmas, but has no choice but to work.

So the Nanny isn't the only one who would rather be with her family than at work over Christmas...

exoticfruits · 25/09/2012 08:00

You can still be a bit sympathetic. I was 28 before I had a Christmas away from my family and it was hard.

fedupofnamechanging · 25/09/2012 08:15

But she doesn't have to have Christmas away from her family. The OP has said she can go home on Christmas Eve and come back to work on the 29th. It's the spoilt,petulant nanny who is saying that the 3 hour drive makes it not worthwhile.

She would annoy the hell out of me.

OneHandFlapping · 25/09/2012 08:18

If you read the thread, you'll see that the nanny wasn't being asked to spend Christmas away from her family. She was only getting 4 days holiday, instead of the 10 she wanted.

LividDil · 25/09/2012 08:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurplePidjin · 25/09/2012 08:30

Op, i assume from what you've said that the dc are school age. With their level of need, particularly your dd, do they have Statements? Could you claim DLA (doubt you'd get mobility unless she's a runner but you should get Care) and Carer's Allowance? That plus a bit of belt-tightening might be enough to tip the balance so one parent can stay home...

exoticfruits · 25/09/2012 08:32

She was only giving her Christmas off after she 'whined about it'.

maddening · 25/09/2012 08:52

I would start looking then give her the required notice when you have a replacement.

In the meantime write down exactly what you want her to do in terms of discipline etc.

Fingers crossed she can spend the whole of Christmas wherever she fancies ( and lots of jobs just wouldn't give her 10 days at Christmas so she was unreasonable to be off about the 4 days ).

Think of it as a learning experience - at least you know what you're looking for now.

diddl · 25/09/2012 08:56

She doesn´t sound at all qualified to look after them.

I think it´s terrible that there´s no help available for OP to be at home with these children which would surely be much more beneficial to them.

quietlysuggests · 25/09/2012 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rubirosa · 25/09/2012 09:14

Presumably you are still in a probationary period? It's obviously not working out so let her go.

fedupofnamechanging · 25/09/2012 10:13

The OP says right at the start of this thread that the nanny was needed for after school and holiday care. I can't see a nanny going through an interview process and the hours required never being mentioned. Therefore she has no business complaining about working over the Christmas period (and 4 days off is hardly that bad - hospital workers/police/firemen/shop workers etc don't get that). If 10 days off is that important to her then what the fuck is she doing taking a job that requires her to work over school holidays?

I think that I would get rid though because of her attitude towards your daughter. Unless she is prepared to admit she was wrong and do some research in order to do her job properly, then she doesn't sound like the right person.

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