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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...or is the nanny out of order?

112 replies

twilight3 · 24/09/2012 17:48

quick background, needed after school and school holidays nanny, interviewed a few people, someone got the job, two weeks in I'm afraid I've made the wrong decision.

She will simply NOT discipline the children in any way and then complain to me about their behaviour, as if there's anything I can do by proxy. I have discussed it with her, she doesn't want the children to "dislike" her if she sets rules. I knew that she only had experience with young babies, but she's a qualified school teacher, I assumed she knew something!!!

My daughter has selective mutism, she asked me in front of her "what is WRONG with her", I discussed it later in private, she said blandly that she thinks the girl is playing us (DD btw is a girl that came to us after both her parents were killed).

Called me at work to ask me what to do about my son as he was having a tantrum!!!

Wants me to sign that she won't be responsible if the children break anything at home (which I never thought she would be, but it seems a bit weird -like there will be lack of supervision).

Wants to go home fro Christmas, when this is the busiest time of the year for both myself and my husband, and she knew that from the off. Now she's whining at me about not being with her family on Xmas day (boo-effing-hoo) and when I tried to work out something so she can go home for 4 days she said it's not worth the trip (3 hours drive) and she wants to go for at least 10 days to be worth her while!!!! This is not a baby, it's a 25 yo woman.

She'd be out of the door if my son didn't love her so much.

When she's with the children playing, she's like a child herself adn they have an amazing time, so I don't know what to do...

Am I the boss from hell, or is she a nightmare of a nanny?

OP posts:

Doha · 24/09/2012 18:30

oops sorry for the typos's

sugarice · 24/09/2012 18:35

You sound harsh regarding the Christmas holiday issue, has there been a lack of communication problem from the beginning?

Would you give thought to the notion that you may be difficult to work for?, as a qualified school teacher she should be more confident with children, don't you think??

sunshine401 · 24/09/2012 18:42

Erm I don't want to sound mean but I think you are being unfair. As you have hired this lady you should of done some kind of induction day with her EG told her all about your family their bckground any issues and so on. Clearly you did not as she was unaware of your childs details. I think she has peeved you off and now have no kindness and respect for her so for the sake of her feelings and your own stress level I would end the job now.

PurplePidjin · 24/09/2012 18:44

You also don't appear to be taking into account your dc's additional needs.

You state that your dd came to you having lost both parents. She will have massive underlying attachment issues relating to this. What experience does your nanny having managing the inappropriate and highly challenging behaviour your dd is likely to display? What additional training have you offered her? What therapeutic support is dd getting, and has the nanny received training to continue this in your/the therapist's absence?

Assuming your ds is also adopted, loving an unrelated adult after just two weeks of part time care is a major red flag for attachment issues. Again, what support is in place for him and the nanny?

From experience of working with dc with additional needs including Attachment Disorder, the level of behaviour will go far, far beyond what most parents think of when they hear the word tantrum.

A classroom teacher is unlikely to ever meet dc with your dc's needs, and the dc will probably have a 1:1 TA with them the majority of the time which will limit the teacher's experience, therefore that qualification can be deemed irrelevant. To get the results you want, you either need to commit to a much longer induction period (3-6 months) or you need to find someone with significant experience working with dc with SN.

PuppyMonkey · 24/09/2012 18:47

It's a shame really op, it was all going quite well until boo effing hoo gate.

Prarieflower · 24/09/2012 18:49

Why are you leaving a child who has lost both her parents,who has been effected so much she has selected mutism and is now in a new family with a stranger you describe as "someone"?

For that and your complete lack of empathy re Christmas YABU.

Iamjezabel · 24/09/2012 18:56

I am confused. Your childrens issues are not bad enough that you can't leave them with a person you have not agreed discipline and rules with (which imo these should always be agreed beforehand) and you will not be with over Christmas (attachment problems getting worse) but are bad enough for you to beat the nanny with?

Original poster

twilight3 · 24/09/2012 19:13

a bit more info

yes my boo-effing -hoo comment was childish and unfair, I was just pissed off and vending.
I don't expect her to work Xmas day, just half of Xmas eve like we will be, go home that afternoon and come back on the 29th. It's the best we could work out for her between us, but not good enough.
I am pissed off because we have no other childcare back up and we heavily rely on her to do our jobs.
My children are full siblings, long term fostering placement, yes, they do have attachement issues, my son attaches to people very easily and my daughter with great difficulty. They receive plenty of love and attention from us, so this is not an issue.

During the interview I discussed the children's background, she said that she has taught a child with selective mutism before, I got a reference from the school she worked in, it seemed brilliant. It turns out that there was a child with mutism in the school, but she simply believes they're defiant and spoilt.

Also getting a nanny in my situation meant getting the SW involved with interviews and stuff, so a long proccess and no as straightforward as in families who look for nannies for their bio children.

I feel betrayed, I feel I was misled and lied to, I do blame myself for not digging any deeper.

Now that I am calmer and thinking about it more clearly I believe that the thing which really bothers me, and creates the other issues in my head, is the fact that she seems so unwilling. I feel like she uses us for easy cash, and I never ever thought that nannying is an easy job.

I have tried to sit down and discuss things with her (from the beginning she knew what the children are and aren't allowed to do, what the proccesses are etc.), but I always got the feeling she was too busy talking to listen and understand.

I do want to give her another chance, as I don't want to put ourselves, the children or the SS through this again, but she's going to need to try...

Thank you all for your opinions though, it's good to get different perspectives.
I'll see if I can get her some books on selective mutism, I am afraid she will reject them, but I have to try, I have to start over with a positive attitude....

OP posts:

PurplePidjin · 24/09/2012 19:18

but she simply believes they're defiant and spoilt.

Then yes, she's an ignorant bitch who doesn't deserve the job!

Where are you, pm me if nearby

lisad123 · 24/09/2012 19:19

If the children are foster kids and have major attachment issues, why are you hiring a nanny? Surely they were placed with you as a foster carer. Maybe I'm mad but if your working outside the home enough to need a nanny, your not a foster carer anymore.
I understand people need to work outside the home, but maybe if little things like this are going to be an issue you need a re think.

Iamjezabel · 24/09/2012 19:20

I think if you are unhappy now is the time to replace her.
Your ds does not 'love' her. Are you using your ds' affection for her as an excuse because trying to find a nanny is hard?

Original poster

twilight3 · 24/09/2012 19:22

Lisa, adoption papers are about to come through and I'm going back to work after many years of fostering with the guidance and help of the SS, as without the fostering fees and me not working we won't be able to sustain our new family.
It's all working out nicely and we all have a lot of support.

OP posts:

Tweasels · 24/09/2012 19:23

Thanks for the update twilight, that makes things much clearer. I apologise for being hasty in my previous response. I can see now that you were just angry.

Could you maybe have a formal meeting with the nanny and set out very clearly your expectations of her. Explain that you have to be like this due to your DC,s having these additional needs and also as you have to answer the the LA to some extent. Then make it clear she is on a trial for the next few weeks. You could even say the trial is for her benefit as well as yours as she clearly doesn't feel confident handling the children's additional needs.

It sounds like you have been reasonable about Christmas. She can have no issue there.

You shouldn't have to provide books about your daughters condition, if she were professional she would do her own research.

Original poster

twilight3 · 24/09/2012 19:24

thanks purple, looks like I'm very very far though, about 5 hours drive ...

OP posts:

FrameyMcFrame · 24/09/2012 19:25

Boo effing hoo?
Not very respectful

lisad123 · 24/09/2012 19:26

That's great that you have been able to offer them a loving home where they will stay, it's a bugger SS give so little once adoption kicks in.
Where are you?
Sounds like the nanny has little clue about managing behaviour and also is very stupid about mutism.
It's the sort of job a very special nanny could do.
If its likely you will change her, I wouldn't keep her long, especially with attachment issues

lisad123 · 24/09/2012 19:26

Where are you? Might be worth asking on nanny board here

confusedpixie · 24/09/2012 19:38

I can't blame you for being annoyed about the Christmas thing if it were made clear before she started. I'm negotiating my Christmas break now. I'm getting less time at home than her and driving for longer, she's being ott to try renegotiate that break as a nanny, 10 days

And her opinion on selective mutism is disgusting quite frankly. I know nothing about it but know that in most cases it's going to be for a reason, not just the child playing up ffs.

Birdsgottafly · 24/09/2012 19:42

I cannot beleive that you did not discuss all of your children's needs, including the mutism with any potential nannies before she ever met them.

I am incredulous that a SW has allowed this to happen.

You need her completely on board with all of your discipline strageies, inconsistancy would be permanately damaging to the children.

Original poster

twilight3 · 24/09/2012 19:47

birds, read my second message, it was all discussed, she still seemed surprised when faced with it

OP posts:

PurplePidjin · 24/09/2012 19:47

I am incredulous that a SW has allowed this to happen.

I'm not

Original poster

twilight3 · 24/09/2012 19:48

why purple? Bad experiences? I have been dealing with SS for years now and have only had the best support, can't fault them. But I know ti can vary from one LA to the next unfortunately

OP posts:

Original poster

twilight3 · 24/09/2012 19:49

sorry, ladies, bedtime duty calls, will be back soon

OP posts:

PurplePidjin · 24/09/2012 19:54

I would say it's uncommon but not unheard of. A combination of lack of specialist experience plus huuuuuuuuuuge caseload.

Bad personal experience, no. Ineffective handling of cases I've been involved with, yes, many.

LemonBreeland · 24/09/2012 20:03

From what you have said I really believe you would be wasting your time trying to make this work. She doesn't believe in selective mutism and won't discipline your dc at all.

Cut your losses and start again, as big a problem as that may be in your situation.

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