...or is the nanny out of order?

[twilight3]

quick background, needed after school and school holidays nanny, interviewed a few people, someone got the job, two weeks in I'm afraid I've made the wrong decision.

She will simply NOT discipline the children in any way and then complain to me about their behaviour, as if there's anything I can do by proxy. I have discussed it with her, she doesn't want the children to "dislike" her if she sets rules. I knew that she only had experience with young babies, but she's a qualified school teacher, I assumed she knew something!!!

My daughter has selective mutism, she asked me in front of her "what is WRONG with her", I discussed it later in private, she said blandly that she thinks the girl is playing us (DD btw is a girl that came to us after both her parents were killed).

Called me at work to ask me what to do about my son as he was having a tantrum!!!

Wants me to sign that she won't be responsible if the children break anything at home (which I never thought she would be, but it seems a bit weird -like there will be lack of supervision).

Wants to go home fro Christmas, when this is the busiest time of the year for both myself and my husband, and she knew that from the off. Now she's whining at me about not being with her family on Xmas day (boo-effing-hoo) and when I tried to work out something so she can go home for 4 days she said it's not worth the trip (3 hours drive) and she wants to go for at least 10 days to be worth her while!!!! This is not a baby, it's a 25 yo woman.

She'd be out of the door if my son didn't love her so much.

When she's with the children playing, she's like a child herself adn they have an amazing time, so I don't know what to do...

Am I the boss from hell, or is she a nightmare of a nanny?

Well if you don't like her give her notice to quit

You don't have to put up with someone your not happy with

Compared to her attitude towards your daughter's needs, the Christmas arrangements seem virtually a non-issue.

Your daughter surely needs someone who is willing to understand selective mutism. And this nanny, it seems, just isn't.

It appears that it would be favourable to both sides if the job were to be terminated.

Your son likes her because she's fun.

You do need to have a proper talk to her about disciplining and strategies to deal with your children.

She probably won't change, but it will give you time to look for someone else.
In the long run I think the extra work will pay off.

she wants you to sign a disclaimer over damage to y our home? she "doesn't believe in" your DD's special needs? she took a job knowing that school holidays required cover and then asks for two consecutive weeks off during the holidays?

she's never going to work out for you, so start managing DS's expectations now and get shot.

I agree with karma. I know you don't want to put your family and SS through the process again but it's for the best for everyone and your DD in particular - I can't imagine any SW having a problem with that. You say your DS bonds quickly so if you get someone better you have every reason to believe he'll like them too.

FWIW I think your nanny is being completely U about Christmas - many people travel on Christmas Eve, are home for two days and then back to the grindstone unless they've taken holiday, which if you're providing childcare for weekends and holidays just doesn't happen. Complaining about a 3 hour drive is laughable.

Agree with Lueji.

I have an au pair I'm not happy with, I don't think any amount of talking will make her change, so I am just guiding her patiently until I can get a new one.

Will definitely do very thorough interviews and potentially a few 'trial days' next time round....

Putting up with someone you're not happy with can take its toll (as proven by your insensitive Christmans comment...)

Nightmare nanny

just an update for everyone who took time to advise me, I had to let the nanny go, the SW was horrified not only at the insensitivity of the selective mutism comment (as apparently THEY discussed it with her as well when they interviewed her) but also her attitude towards holidays and Christmas, as it was apparently discussed with her that this is a sensitive situation and she has to integrate with OUR family's life and become part of it.

Anyway, she didn't seem too bothered, but then neither did the kids, my son whimpered for a bit that she didn't pick him up today, she will come and say goodbye properly tomorrow (or so she promised), but we're giving him all the right help.

SS said they will assist me systematically in the search for a new nanny and they will be very careful with references.

Yabu to not let her go home for Christmas for a decent period of time. Why do you need her over Christmas? Genuine question, I'm not having a go.

The rest though, yanbu. I'm a qualified nursery nurse/nanny and she doesn't sound like one. Phoning you because your son is having a tantrum? She really should be able to sort that out herself. Perhaps you could get another nanny through a nanny agency if you're not happy with her.

Lots of people have to work Christmas Eve, and go back after Boxing Day. And those people need childcare. My ds's nursery is open on Christmas Eve.

I think that's the best result OP.

Good luck in the search for a new nanny

Good for you. Hopefully she'll have learned a lesson as well... I'm stunned that after bring briefed on selective mutism twice she'd come out with something like that...

both dh and I have professions which require people working 365 days a year, we just make it so that we don't both work on the same big holidays

this relationship is failing, and it is best for everyone, her, you, and the children , if you help her find a job to which she is more suited, ASAP

thank you everyone, I am still upset, but I don't know with whom (the nanny/myself/the SS), but I think I need wine and chocolate and a good sleep to have a fresh start tomorrow

Good luck OP, I hope that you find somebody who better suits you (and I hope that she doesn't find another job as a nanny! )

Still think she was an idiot for trying to renegotiate that Christmas break too. If you can't hack the travel, don't move that far away from your family in the first place.

Sleep and a fresh start sound good, OP.

I take it this woman was the best in a bad lot, and you couldn't call back any of the others you interviewed for another interview?

i do wish people would read the whole thread!!!!

What a disappointing experience for you, but better that she was only there a short time.

I hope you have better luck with your search this time.

Started off reading thinking you were being a bitch tbh OP and for that I apologise
It's good that SS are going to help you with the search for the next nanny, will they be interviewing with you or do they have a bank of experienced people available? Enjoy your chocolate and wine :)

Thanks for the update, OP. I hope you're able to find a suitable replacement quickly.

I'm not really not understanding, how the nanny asks (in 1st post):

"what is WRONG with her"

when the whole context of the placement is that both children come from a highly traumatised background. Your concern, you say, is simply that the question is being asked in front of DD, not that her whole role and background is skill and experience in caring for such psychologically traumatised children and had been interviewed thoroughly on these matters.

It just doesn't seem credible that the nanny has been selected specifically for her skills in this and yet turns round and asks "what is WRONG with her".

Did you discuss the trauma and not just the mutism with the nanny ?
Otherwise it is entirely comprehensible that the nanny would pick up on DD's behaviour and feel something was amiss.