to be jealous of my friend with only one DC?

[Mooq]

Name changed because I'm a bit ashamed of this. I have two DC and would hate for them to every find out (as if!) that I've posted this...

I sometimes wish I'd only had one DC. Not that I don't want one of mine (love them completely and equally), but I think life can be a lot more pleasant with one.

I have a friend with 'just' one, and she seems to have the best of both worlds. As well as all the lovely stuff that comes along with having a DD, she and her DH seem to have a lot of time for themselves. They also have plenty of dosh to spend, relatively speaking, although we must have a similar sort of income. Little things, like their house is immaculate. It's always peaceful when you go in there, and there aren't toys and washing about like there are at ours. The living areas all seem nice and 'adulty', although the garden has play stuff and so does the DD's bedroom apparently. Their DD is pleasant to be around and can have a nice conversation with an adult, probably because that's what she has most of the time at home. She's also doing extremely well at school (although only in year 3 so I suppose anything could change), but you can see she's very bright and that her parents spend a lot of time encouraging her and helping her with school work and other things - time that doesn't have to be shared with other DC, clearly. Basically, they seem to have a lot more fun and a lot less 'drudge'! For example, at the weekend they got up and climbed a hill and watched the sunrise - they can do that because there are no other DC to think about. There are a million examples of things like this.

Sometimes I think that their DD must be lonely, being an only, but she's popular and seems to have a lot of playdates. I envy the parents for not having to listen to sibling squabbling.

Sigh. It just seems a bit like that situation on Outnumbered, with the perfect neighbours next door (although we have 2 DC and they have 1!)

So, AIBU? Is jealousy just an ugly trait and I should count my blessings? All two of them?!

Oh, just thought of another - they're always immaculately turned-out on the school run. They have the time!

Sage I'm the parent of an only and I feel guilty that my DD has no siblings.

I don't think I'm being patronising or offensive saying that. It's just the way I feel, and I don't think feelings can be right or wrong. That's not to say that it's a rational feeling, it probably isn't. But that's the nature of feelings, they often aren't rational, but that doesn't mean they're any less real.

Dreadful name fail, Perfume. You should be ashamed of yourself!

Whether- I know exactly where you're coming from. It's feeling a sense of the unjust at not having an enjoyable experience.

Lefreak- you're totally right about feelings and how 'rational' often (always?) doesn't come into it. Sorry - I don't think I expressed myself very well. I meant that people who try to foist the guilt upon you or imply that if you have one child and don't feel guilt at not having any more - they're patronising and sometimes offensive. As another poster said, maybe they're projecting their feelings onto others.

For someone to feel guilt that comes from within- that's not patronising or offensive. Of course it's not. Sorry if I have been patronising or offensive

No sage thanks for explaining what you meant. I can see that it would be patronising and offensive to insist that someone felt guilty about something they were perfectly happy about.

I used to feel guilty comparing myself to my SIL whose only child was such a lovely lad and so well socialised around adults.

And then I realised she felt guilty comparing herself to me because my two were so well socialised around their peers.

And then I realised we were both wasting our time. Because we were both giving our children something valuable, just not the same thing, and any time spent feeling guilty about this was consequently wasted.

Feelings of guilt will still pop up from time to time. But I don't have to listen to them.

I am sometimes overwhelmed with guilt at thinking it would have been better to have stopped at one child. I didn't know how nice I had it until I fell pregnant, became more disabled and then had my DD with behaviour problems. The past four years have been bloody tough. But I couldn't imagine not having her, I love her dearly.

Agree with iknowwho - i have friends w. 2 kids who have tidy houses and no crap in the front room and do stuff together . I also have a friend with one whose house is a mess, there are no bedtimes and she constantly moans that her DC only behaves with me! I'm into some (not loads) boundaries, some routines & rewards for good behaviour. All of which my friend won't do, 'because they are only little once'. Her choice and at least her DC won't struggle too much if she knows most parts of life require what she has learnt elsewhere.

If I only had ds1 my house would be spotless as all he wants to do is read books and play computer games. But I would still be cleaning up wee and havin meltdowns over silly things like changing a toothbrush. Going out anywhere normally entails a meltdown over something

If I only had dd my house would be a mess with Barbie shoes everywhere, glitter and cut out paper traipsed around the place. But she is a joy to take out and will sit in resturants and behave beautifully. She makes friends with whoever she finds

If I only had ds2 I think it would be somewhere in the middle of the other two but he's only 1 so too early to tell what he would be like really.

You are envious of her life, not her one child.

We had a second, I wanted to much more than DP did and basically persuaded him, and even I sometimes think like you OP and I'm pretty sure DP does. DS is now 7 and can entertain himself, behave nicely etc. But we also have a toddler, we both WOHM and are very busy, and our house is a chaotic mess and very noisy (whether they are playing or fighting!), costs are high, I'm still getting up in the night with DD, and I'm knackered. Of course I adore them both and wouldn't want to go back, but there is a big, big difference from just having one. I just tell myself this stage will pass, and I do count my blessings that I don't have 3 or 4 - how do people manage?!

Please don't compare.

When we compare we focus on the negative. You have no real idea what goes on behind closed doors. People do their best to show others only what they want them to see. I firmly believe that no-one is perfect, but some do their best to convince other people.

We all do things differently. As for others saying your friend is more organised than you, I think that's unfair. It IS easier dealing with one child rather than two. Unlike your friend, you have chosen to have two. Double the joy, double the mess!

You have two healthy children which would mean the world to so many people.

You are so blessed.

Oh my goodness, with all due respect OP, I think you're nuts!!

My best friend and her DH have one DD and as much as it reveals me to be a hideous human being, my DH and I revel in the fact that we have our set-up and they have theirs.

Their DD is rather a little madam. An only child in the most stereotypical sense of the concept. 3.7 years old, and the world revolves around her. It always has in her short life, and she has come to expect it. She doesn't share. She doesn't take turns. She doesn't wait. She doesn't go second. It pains me to say it about my very best friend in the world, but I don't like to be around her DD because she is Hard Work.

We have 2 DC. 18 months apart. It is hard with 2 - I'm not going I'm not going to deny it. Coping with 1 is so much easier and lower maintenance. But come on...!

Our 2 play together, have fun together, run around in the morning together. They have baths together. Share a room and chat together in the dark after lights out, before they drift off to sleep. They look out for each other, they squabble and bicker and then hug and laugh in the most raucous manner imaginable. They're going to grow up together and will always have each other. If DH or I ever get sick, they will have the other one to lean on. They will be adults one day, and isn't a family home with grown children and their partners and possible children coming and going much nicer, the more there are of them? I certainly think so.

This isn't schadenfreude on my part - my friend does want another at some point; there are no infertility issues or decisions to stop at 1.

I am daily grateful for our setup, even if it does sometimes mean more work. Envy your friend all your want, but you need to see that what they have is just one image of the one-child family; not some blueprint that you might also have had, had you only had one child.

Focus on what you have and stop wasting your energy.

wifeofdoom - what a nasty comment. I am the only child of an only child and I have just one. Through choice. I see plenty of people who would love just one, or who would like one more but cannot. And your comments really do not help.

Sorry to say having 'only' one doesn't mean an immaculate house and a perfectly behaved child - I am proof of that!

Interesting to read some envy for those of us with one though, it's usually the opposite! But thanks to those who've not managed to resist dragging out the usual cliches eg: only children are lonely, only children are desperate for siblings, only children are the only ones who have to cope alone with older parents (come on, who knows any family with more than one child where they all pull their weight in regard to the parents? It nearly always falls to one person).

Wouldn't be a proper only children thread without all that patronising, hurtful rubbish though would it?

Ii have just re read your OP and I stand by what I said in thinking that it's your organisational skills that is the problem not the number of children.

If you want a nice house why not designate one room as the room that the toys stay in. As soon as they have gone to bed all the mess gets put away. There's no need for mess whether you have 1 or 6 children. As soon as you have used something put it away. We always (unofficially) kept the middle room kid free. It has a settee there and my book shelf. The boys had I main toy down at a time. I had friends who allowed nearly all the toys out at once and all you get are lost bits, chaos, and kids jumping from one toy to the next without actually playing on anything. When that toy/game is finished they put it away in the room and only then can they get the next one out.

Do you really want to watch the sunrise? Why not? Do it then. Set your alarm, make a flask and some snacks, have the children's clothes in a pile ready to wear and go.

Same with the school run. Night before check the unifom is clean and not in a scrunched heap. Uniform is off as soon as they come home from school. No tv until homework is done. Get them bathed the night before so all they need is a freshen up. If you are saying you haven't got enough time to get ready in the morning then clearly you aren't leaving yourself enough time to get ready. Get up 15/20 whatever minutes sooner.
No TV on a school morning. It is a time eater and all you will hear is 'coming...in a minute' 'just let me see this'

Why are things a drudge though? Sure not every night is plain sailing but it doesn't have to be like that more often than not. Have tea out occasionly and have a laugh. It's coming up to autumn now but you can still go out for walks after homework. Even if it is only half an hour, just remember to take a torch, invite mates DD if you want.

It sounds like you are stuck in a chaotic rut tbh.

I would love to have those days back. I have hundreds and hundreds of photos of the boys as babies, toddlers , young children and now teenagers and smile at the fab times we had/have.

No one here has said anyone should feel guilty for having one, I can't see what people are getting cross about.

I was an only who hated being 1 growing up BUT I can see where you're coming from OP.

I had a big gap between mine so DC1 was an only for quie a while and did get attention that neither of them have had since.

With just one you are a couple with a child and can do adult stuff with one tagged on. Onlies mature earlier and are 'better' in adult environments because they are used to it.

You dont get double the mess with 2 you get 10X!

I know I'd be doing more fun stuff with DC1 eg music festivals, holidays, city breaks, cinema, golf, football in the park, cycling, long walks, theme parks, museums, bowling, hotel stays maybe even camping if we hadn't had DC2.

But I am still glad I had more.

i can kind of understand the op - but dd2 is 9 months, is doing separation anxiety and sleeping really badly, and dd1 is 3.8 and still apt to have melt downs about completely random things, so dp and i have no time for oursleves or each other, the house is a mess,and we are totally overwhelmed and exhausted. i am assuming it'll pass, and we will survive it. and i really would never be without either of them (except in a night away with dp way... one day, one day).

i do think a lot of it is about organisation though. not a strong point in this house.

I do so wish people wouldn't speculate publicly about how they would behave if their child died.

You haven't got a clue, and hopefully you'll never get to find out.

Also, declaring you'd kill yourself or become a junkie piles on a sort of survivors' guilt - like a person is rather indecent or a freak for being able to live on.

And by the way, having a spare doesn't work. What do you do when the spare becomes your only child?! Oh, better have another then to be the new spare. What if your first dies before you've popped your spare out? Oh, better kill yourself then.

I am struggling to understand why you can't do a lot of fun things with 2 children

I have just rang up Dh to make sure my memory wasn't going and I have all my photos of the baby years to present day scanned and on a permament slide show and I know we went abroad with DS1 aged 3 and DS2 6 months. We started back packing for our holidays and staying in hostels when DS1 was 5 and DS 2 was 2. I am looking at the pictures of us in Holland,Belgium,Luxumberg and Switzerland as I type!
We have always ate out as a family at least once a week. Even on the way home from the hospital with DS2 we called in a country pub on the way home for lunch. The big difference now is that we go to more expensive places and we pay for four adults rather than go to a Brewers Fayre and get the kids menu for a coupel of quid!

When DS1 was an only child he still had meltdowns and random tantrums. Being an only child doesn't make you immune to them.

I'm not sure why people in general aren't getting any time as a couple in the evenings. The whole mood at night time changes. Kids stuff was away, the light dimmed down, the routine of kids in bed was established and we would sit and watch the news or film, chat about the day etc. Of course there were blips, occasionaly children get ill, have nightmare, can't sleep what ever but generally once everything had calmed down it was peaceful.

I remember though being horrified at the thought of a second baby. I honestly didn't think my heart was going to be big enough to love two children + a Dh.
I was proved so wrong. Your heart just gets bigger! ( a bit like the rest of me truth be told!!)

What zeno said. With bells on. Cherish your children and the time you have with them - however many you have or how chaotic your life may be. Their childhood is fleeting and precious.

We don't have any children but if we do we're just planning for one. There will be no guilt on our part. It's our decision and we're happy with it, just like those families who have more than one should be happy in their decicion. Do we really need to tear into each others choices?

zeno sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry, but the point of MN is to play what if and to talk openly about things we wouldn't talk about in real life. To speculate about the unthinkable and to moan about the trivial.

My friend has one, whereas I have three. She could not have any more and is dreadfully sad about that. She is a lovely mum and friend and is generous with her time and affection.
I see how much more time and space and money she has but I would never swap with her. Your children are a gift, cherish them whilst you have them.

The trouble is any thoughts about life with kids being difficult are liable to upset people who have lost a child, been unable to have one, or a second, etc. I'm not knocking that, I know it must be awful and I'm very sorry for those on this thread who have experienced that. But having children is hard work (unless you have loads of help), and having two or more and being run ragged is hard work, and I think it's OK to say that.

Much like having children at all. I love my DC, I love us being a family but that isn't to say my mind doesn't wander sometimes to the things I could do if it hadn't happened. But if it hadn't, I would of course be wishing it had. It's OK to look at other people's lives and feel envious sometimes, and totally natural.