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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be jealous of my friend with only one DC?

132 replies

Mooq · 19/09/2012 20:48

Name changed because I'm a bit ashamed of this. I have two DC and would hate for them to every find out (as if!) that I've posted this...

I sometimes wish I'd only had one DC. Not that I don't want one of mine (love them completely and equally), but I think life can be a lot more pleasant with one.

I have a friend with 'just' one, and she seems to have the best of both worlds. As well as all the lovely stuff that comes along with having a DD, she and her DH seem to have a lot of time for themselves. They also have plenty of dosh to spend, relatively speaking, although we must have a similar sort of income. Little things, like their house is immaculate. It's always peaceful when you go in there, and there aren't toys and washing about like there are at ours. The living areas all seem nice and 'adulty', although the garden has play stuff and so does the DD's bedroom apparently. Their DD is pleasant to be around and can have a nice conversation with an adult, probably because that's what she has most of the time at home. She's also doing extremely well at school (although only in year 3 so I suppose anything could change), but you can see she's very bright and that her parents spend a lot of time encouraging her and helping her with school work and other things - time that doesn't have to be shared with other DC, clearly. Basically, they seem to have a lot more fun and a lot less 'drudge'! For example, at the weekend they got up and climbed a hill and watched the sunrise - they can do that because there are no other DC to think about. There are a million examples of things like this.

Sometimes I think that their DD must be lonely, being an only, but she's popular and seems to have a lot of playdates. I envy the parents for not having to listen to sibling squabbling.

Sigh. It just seems a bit like that situation on Outnumbered, with the perfect neighbours next door (although we have 2 DC and they have 1!)

So, AIBU? Is jealousy just an ugly trait and I should count my blessings? All two of them?!

Oh, just thought of another - they're always immaculately turned-out on the school run. They have the time!

OP posts:
Ciske · 19/09/2012 21:27

Having two children vs. one isn't such a huge change that it could account for all the differences you see in your two families. It sounds like they are more organised, they are possibly are a bit stricter when it comes to behaviour, and they've made a point of including the child in their adult activities.

There is no reason why you can't do all of that as well. Why can you not climb up a hill with two children?

didldidi · 19/09/2012 21:27

Do you have boys op?

OhDearNigel · 19/09/2012 21:27

Sorry, but that stuff about losing a child? Like it would be better if you had "spares"? Omg

No, that is far from what I mean. However if you have other children you have something to carry on for, something that you have to go on for.

If DD died I would have no reason to go on

valiumredhead · 19/09/2012 21:28

Cathy it's not about 'having spares' it's about recognising the need for children to comfort you and give you hope through the most horrendous time of your life.

ethelb · 19/09/2012 21:29

There are pros and cons to both.
Only children friends of mine have been handed large sums of cash for houses that even the children of quite wealthy individuals can't expect if they have siblings. Among other less material benefits from cradle to now.

But as my dps parents who are both onlys said to me the other day 'who is going to hold their hand at the funeral'

GoldPedanticPanda · 19/09/2012 21:29

I have one, there are toys everywhere, washing all over the place and my Dc is awful at talking to adults. I've a few different friends with just one too and they are all the same.

Original poster
Mooq · 19/09/2012 21:31

didldidi, I have two girls.

OP posts:
LtEveDallas · 19/09/2012 21:33

Nigel, I know exactly what you mean. In my darker days I have even planned how I would kill myself if I ever lost DD. No-one would need me, so I would have no reason to go on. Horribly depressing, but just how I feel.

Cathycomehome · 19/09/2012 21:33

I'm not sure it works that way. The woman I'm thinking of attempted suicide twice to my knowledge and has had to have a huge amount of support to carry on for the younger ones and herself.

wifeofdoom · 19/09/2012 21:34

ref the guilt, those of you who choose to have one just wouldn't get it. "Mum why can't I have a brother or sister", "why can't I have someone to play with", "everyone else has someone to play with at home - not you, you can't play" on the day your find out ivf hasn't worked. Then I remember my own upbringing with many brothers and sisters and never being on your own at home and how important they are to me. Yes that hurts, and I would swap my organised tidy house in a minute.

EverlongYouAreGoldAndOrange · 19/09/2012 21:35

OP it's ok. It's just a sore subject for me. My eldest ds died nearly 4 years ago, I have 4 others sons but I always want him back.

I'm probably not being fair to you, I'm sorry. I just mean that you've got your two children, please don't wish for just one.

ethelb · 19/09/2012 21:36

Just saw comments about having 'spares'. My aunt told me quite candidly after her baby died from SIDS and then she was diagnosed with breast cancer that if it wasn't for her other two children that she didn't know if she could go on. And she had a lovely husband and has a wonderful
Marriage Sad

Fakebook · 19/09/2012 21:36

Oh it's ok valium. Sorry if I offended you too, I obviously meant board games sound boring.

OnlyNiceSwearing · 19/09/2012 21:36

I have three dc's,one has left home to study and travel , one is a baby, the other is HARD WORK! in order to cope with high maintenance child No 2,I have had to get supremely organised. That's what you need to do if you feel jealous of your friend.Before dc3 I only had dc2 at home and i can honestly say since dc3 came along life is far, far easier. Needing to juggle the school run with a newborn kicked me into touch! It can be done. Although I am with verityclinch on the whole sunrise thing, made me snort into my Wine. YABU you are lucky, embrace the chaos Grin and organise it a bit.

valiumredhead · 19/09/2012 21:39

fake nah, I'm sorry for being snippy, need an early night Grin

Cathycomehome · 19/09/2012 21:42

Anyway, to become slightly less morbid, I don't think I would have been a lonely only - I have brothers and haven't seen one of them for three years and another for two; we occasionally "like" each other's photos on FB, but are definitely not close. I feel a passing interest in their lives when my mum tells me about them, that's it. No fall outs, no feuds, just very different people. Siblings don't always have the strong bonds maybe some parents anticipate.

suebfg · 19/09/2012 21:42

I haven't read the whole thread but I have only the one DS and my house isn't particularly organised and myself and DH have had about two nights out together in 5 years as we don't have much help from family. We do however go out lots as a small family and have lots of fun. It comes down to priorities I guess - we just prefer to have fun than do lots of cleaning. Plus work commitments play a part too.

happy2bhomely · 19/09/2012 21:48

please don't wish for just one

This a million times over.

Laquitar · 19/09/2012 21:50

I agree with the posters who said that you can still do these things with two.

But money-wise ime does make difference, whith the activities, school trips etc.

LeFreak · 19/09/2012 21:52

I have one 5yo DD and yes it's easy. Most of my friends have 2 children and the first thing I notice is that their life is more difficult than mine on a day to day basis.

BUT YES I am envious of them because they don't have the constant guilt and worry that I have. Every weekend I have to sort out play dates or activities for my DD or I worry she will get lonely. But all my friends with 2 are happy to do things just with their family and are often too busy for playdates. They don't worry about their children being bored or lonely because they have siblings to play with.

And I constantly beat myself up that my DD is going to be a lonely, selfish, dysfunctional individual who will resent me later in life, and hate me when she is fully responsible for my care when I'm old - BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT MUMSNET TELLS YOU ALL THE TIME.

And of course I desperately want another child more than anything in the world but 2 failed IVFs later I still don't have one.

SO yes BASICALLY I'm jealous of you. MASSIVELY.

YABU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Grin

Cathycomehome · 19/09/2012 21:55

Don't freak, LeFreak, I waited 12 years for my number 2 son, it may still happen, and if not being an only is fine :)

Cathycomehome · 19/09/2012 21:55

So son number 1 tells me, anyway.

UmmOfUmbridge · 19/09/2012 21:56

I know what you mean but I don't feel the same way. I have 5 and I'm always pretty un-frazzled, I love the chaos, noise and madness.
But my friend has one teenager and I occasionally imagine how nice it must be to have so much time to herself and be able to spend one on one time with him.

I really don't get why parents of one have anything to feel guilty about. Surely there are so many positives to being an only child! At least 2 of my children would love to be only children ! I appreciate you probably get unwanted comments about providing a sibling in the same way I do for having 5.

becstargazeypie · 19/09/2012 21:59

I knew it!!! I knew some of my friends get jealous... I'm not the OPs friend but I do have it easy with my one. I love being a Mum but I can't have more children and I've made my peace with that. I get comments like 'it's alright for you, you've only got one' and 'well we HAD to have another, just for our DSs sake' (with accusing stare!). Having one is the hand I've been dealt, and there is so much to love about it.

marriedinwhite · 19/09/2012 22:04

Coming to this from the other side. I'm an only child and I hated it. I hated the comments about being an only, I hated not having siblings or anyone to play with, I still hate not having any siblings. My mother is getting older now and I shall be entirely responsible for her and also expected to take responsibility for my step father if she goes first. Sad.

I also had a spotless, organised childhood, lovely clothes, every toy, etc., but I wasn't very happy - most of all because I was different from my friends and my parents hated each other