to be jealous of my friend with only one DC?

[Mooq]

Name changed because I'm a bit ashamed of this. I have two DC and would hate for them to every find out (as if!) that I've posted this...

I sometimes wish I'd only had one DC. Not that I don't want one of mine (love them completely and equally), but I think life can be a lot more pleasant with one.

I have a friend with 'just' one, and she seems to have the best of both worlds. As well as all the lovely stuff that comes along with having a DD, she and her DH seem to have a lot of time for themselves. They also have plenty of dosh to spend, relatively speaking, although we must have a similar sort of income. Little things, like their house is immaculate. It's always peaceful when you go in there, and there aren't toys and washing about like there are at ours. The living areas all seem nice and 'adulty', although the garden has play stuff and so does the DD's bedroom apparently. Their DD is pleasant to be around and can have a nice conversation with an adult, probably because that's what she has most of the time at home. She's also doing extremely well at school (although only in year 3 so I suppose anything could change), but you can see she's very bright and that her parents spend a lot of time encouraging her and helping her with school work and other things - time that doesn't have to be shared with other DC, clearly. Basically, they seem to have a lot more fun and a lot less 'drudge'! For example, at the weekend they got up and climbed a hill and watched the sunrise - they can do that because there are no other DC to think about. There are a million examples of things like this.

Sometimes I think that their DD must be lonely, being an only, but she's popular and seems to have a lot of playdates. I envy the parents for not having to listen to sibling squabbling.

Sigh. It just seems a bit like that situation on Outnumbered, with the perfect neighbours next door (although we have 2 DC and they have 1!)

So, AIBU? Is jealousy just an ugly trait and I should count my blessings? All two of them?!

Oh, just thought of another - they're always immaculately turned-out on the school run. They have the time!

I sometimes wish it would be far easier to have a sibling for ds to play with to actually take some pressure off me! He's a very physical social child who thrives around other kids and I know he gets bored with me and he does exhaust me! I always feel a bit sad when he's playing alone.

Have one here, and plan not to have any more. House is barely concealed chaos, and I certainly don't look well-turned out, and our weekend activities are strictly limited. We're too tired to contemplate organising a holiday.

Wish I could resist responding to some of the assumptions about onlies, but...

I would hope DS is able to form meaningful attachments to a number of people in his life, so that he will have somebody to comfort him at the funeral when DH and I die. Which I sincerely hope will be before DS dies.

I'm one of four, and while I love my siblings, I would definitely lean on my DH for that kind of support. So, meh, really [shrugs].

SEE I TOLD YOU

Aw thanks cathycomehome I live in hope....and if it doesn't happen I've tried my best and that's all I can do :)

Of course life is simpler the fewer children you have but as many others have pointed out you're hardly weighted down. It sounds like this other mum would probably do all those things regardless of how many dc's she had.

One of the greatest revelations I had was when I realised that no matter what I tried to do I wouldn't be able to emulate my mega-super-organised (and lovely honest ) SIL. For eg she is the kind of person who wouldn't enjoy sitting down to watch tv if there was ironing or cleaning she should be doing. I do everything to avoid housework. We are fundamentally different people. That will never change. If I did what she did every day I would be miserable and she would be if she lived my life. But we love our kids. Hers do loads of activites, mine have a lot more freedom. Who knows who's doing the better job? Of course siblings fight - I did with mine constantly but I'm glad I have siblings and am glad I was fortunate enough to have 3 dc's myself. It is hard now but the payback ime comes later from siblings.

I went on holiday a month ago and cried on the first night as I was so envious of the people on holiday with just 1 or 2 children and thought if we only had our 2 eldest dc's and not the baby it would be a walk in the park. I then realised that actually v little would be different. I saw a gorgeous, perfectly groomed woman by the pool reading a book watching her 7 yr old splash about and thought "well I'd manage that if I only had one". Then her dh arrived with her other 3 younger children....

marriedinwhite. I'll be completely responsible for my parents too cos my sisters are utterly selfish and only phone when they want something. You aren't wishing you had siblings, you're wishing you'd had the perfect family. We'd have all liked to grow up in one of them - me included! I hope my son is happier in our little family with parents who are in love and cousins who dote on him.

LeFreak I might have felt differently if I had been either planned or wanted. It was always made clear that I was a mistake, my mother hadn't wanted any, and didn't like motherhood enought to want any more. With any of her husbands - even the last one who she did like. I think it's different if a child is an only and loved and wanted and valued.

I have one ds and it's kind of reassuring reading what other posters saying how it's frightening to think that if something happened to them, there'd be no reason to carry on. I thought it was only me! Like OhDearNigel said, it's not about having spares, and it's not that it's any harder to lose one when you've only got one, but there is less reason to carry on. If I had other dc then they would be my reason to live. Otherwise I would either kill myself or turn into a junkie.

OP there are positives and negs for having both one or more ds, so focus on the positives. There are plenty of advantages I could think of for having two dc but I prefer to focus on the advantages of having one.

Sometimes ds has friends/cousins to stay over, and I must admit, I find it hard to cope with the squabbling. Hats off to those of you having to deal with that on a regular basis, I can't take more than a day of that.

But as some have said, they prefer the chaos and in some ways I wish I was like that. But I don't function very well in chaos!

Ivor, I assumed that wifeofdoom feels much the same as you.
(maybe I just read it differently)

I think what makes the parent thing harder is that DH's sisters both live abroad and will do nothing to help so between us we have teenage children and parents who are needing us increasingly. It would be nice if it could be shared a bit.

We have two dc by the way and getting them was a huge struggle for us. We only carried on because I really really didn't want ds to be an only child.

Marriedinwhite i understand what you are saying because my school friend felt like this, she was the only child with no siblings in the class.
However, its quite common nowdays so i don't think that this generation will feel 'odd' for beiong one.

lonely, selfish, dysfunctional individual who will resent me later in life, and hate me when she is fully responsible for my care when I'm old

[hugs] She really, really won't. I'm an only child, I don't think I am at all selfish or dysfunction (or certainly no more so than DH who is one of 3). Being able to entertain myself has been invaluable in later life where my DHs job means that I spend a lot of time by myself but I also have no shortage of friends and social life. I would say that being an only child makes you look for friends because you don't have playmates at home; DH is far more antisocial than me, I've always been the last to leave a party and the one in the thick of all the action.

I adore my Mum, I would have hated to have shared her and we have a rock solid bond. And as for being fully responsible for your care - my DF has a brother, when it came to looking after my grandmother he was nowhere to be seen.

My Mum has 3 sisters, a more dysfunctional sibling relationship you couldn't imagine, one of her sisters has 3 daughters who don't speak to each other. My Dad loathed his brother as a young man. Siblings is not a guarantee of a happy family.

yanbu but it is more about organisation, I have three and they are always well turned out and I don't look frazzled (I don't think).... most peoples biggest regret is not having more kids.

Bec same here I care for my ill mum because db and sil don't want to do anything at all.

Sorry married i have now read your next posts and it makes sense. Sorry

married You are not your Mum. Is it your childhood and feeling you weren't wanted that makes you think that you are going to spoil your little girl's life because she is an only child ? From what you've said it's not because you were an only child that you were unhappy, it's because of who your Mum was and presumably this wouldn't have changed if she'd had more children ?

I am sure that you are a wonderful Mum and that you and your DD are everything to each other. Hopefully my post will help you to see that being an only child is not an automatic sentence of a miserable, lonely childhood and that for some of us it's fabulous.

andallthat care to evidence you closing assertion?

My understanding is that research shows that people with kids and people with no kids are equally happy. I can't see any reason why that would be different with regards the number of kids.

YANBU. You are entitled to feel however you feel. That said, you just don't know if it would have worked out the same way for you, had you just stuck at one DC. You might have been so consumed with a desire to have a second that you couldn't appreciate your one, or you might have just not had the type of child who would happily engage in the adult centric life you saw your other friends with one DC having. Or it might have worked out fine, more money, calmer existence, all the things you envisage.

I'm sure there are some with one DC who look at couples with none, a SUPER tidy house, pots of disposable income and all the time they could wish for and feel a pang .

Remember also though that parenthood is made up of phases, and what might seem ideal when you're dealing with toddlers or primary schoolers might seem less so when you're dealing with teens.

OhdearNigel thank you from a mum-of-one x.

You see, this thread is actually throwing up some really emotive issues.

I have one beautiful and entertaining DD (I want to say she is witty too but, at 14 months, can she be described as witty?!)

When I was younger, I always envisaged that I'd have 4 children and live in happy chaos.

I am incredibly lucky to have had one child. God only knows it was tricky enough getting her here in every sense of the word. She is a miracle. All children are miracles.

OP and other posters- thanks for confirming for me, in a roundabout way, that I do live a charmed life with DD and my husband. It's not what I envisaged but I'm damn well going to cherish it.

What other posters have said about how you are choosing to live your life is true. It's natural to sometimes compare ourselves to others but it really does sap the joy. Get out there and grab life by the bollocks, girl! Love your children and the time you spend with them.

What other posters have said about the 'guilt' of not giving your child siblings is at best patronising and at worst offensive. People have an only child through choice or because they can't have any more children. It's that simple. Imagine having a second child through guilt? That doesn't sound very nice, does it? I know several people who aren't close to their siblings and several very happy onlys, too.

I'm an only child who, at the moment, has 1 dd. I can't imagine not having another child. The house is a mess for at least part of the time but that's not important to me. I love seeing dd play and have fun and I can't wait to see another child doing the same. As others have mentioned I know several people who have said that as their children get older they have more time as a couple as the children keep each other occupied. I would have loved to have a sibling, even if we had argued!

I only have one, entirely mine and DHs choice, and I must admit I find things easier then some of my friends with 2 or more appear to find things. It's nice and easy (as well as cheaper) for things like days out in london. And he oftend gets up at 6.30 just walk the dogs with me before school But everyones different, and those same friends might find it incredibly dull after a few days.

"but for me none outweigh the guilt of not giving your child a sibling" - what a ridiculous, patronising statement. What makes you think you know my child would be happier with a sibling? Don't judge ther people based on your own hangups.

I was an only child and I loved it. Doting parents all to myself, no sibling rivalry or jealousy , having to share parents attention. It was all good.

I was undecided on whether to have two as I didn't feel any need to provide my ds with a sibling. DH has two siblings and he didn't have s desire to have another either. Got pregnant with dd accidentally. She is the most beautiful thing in the world and I love her more than life itself but I still miss that one to one time I had with ds. I always feel guilty that I can't give them my undivided attention like my parents did with me. Dd is 2yrs now and it is only now that they are starting to play together, till now there has been so much rivalry and jealousy from ds. Age gap is 21 months and ds just wasn't ready to share me.

Op - life is easier with just one. Sometimes me and dh take one each for the day and it is just soooo much easier!

I am happy with my one ds, but the only reason I would have like another dc is because I had such a miserable and stressful time during my pregnancy and the first few years of ds' life and I was a bit of a mess.

I sometimes think it would be nice to be able to do it again - but properly, and to enjoy it more - although I am aware this is not a good reason on it's own to have a child!

What SagetheOracle said, exactly!

I have one, was told not to conceive again for health reasons but actually felt a little relief as I wasn't convinced I wanted more, despite a previous longing for a big family. I have had periods of guilt that ds has no siblings but he seems well rounded and content. I think you don't miss what you never had when it comes to siblings. I have three and we are not atall close. I daresay he'll tell me if he's unhappy one day but it will be too late to change it so why worry now.

Life is easy now but was horribly hard when i was ill. I have guilt about ds seeing me so ill and worry that he worried for me If there were siblings, perhaps he wouldn't notice so much. But life's full of what ifs. We do play board games and dine out in nice places, he mixes well with adults and it may be because we have had more time to devote to him. I sometimes envy big families but only fleetingly. The house is always spotless, yes, and we are usually well organised but it's more to do with that being my nature than having oodles of time. I was up and showered and housework done by 5am when ds was a baby, couldn't cope with the mess otherwise. Horses for courses.

As others say, get organised if you want to live that kind of life, you have two ready and unwilling able little helpers. Cherish them.

So sorry SageYourOracle for the namefail.

I have two DDs and live in utter chaos, for seven years I had one DH, my house was still chaos. Although there was rather less washing.

I'm simply not an organised person. DH is very organised, but he is not tidy!

I'd a love my own company my DSIS drove me mad, I'd happily have been an only child. But, and it's a huge but, I lived on an estate with lots of DCs in a small close knit town. It was impossible to be lonely.

My DDs live in the middle of nowhere in a different era. Even if there were DCs next door they'd be at dancing or violin or something. Everyone's so busy.

So I'm very happy to have two beautiful and very different DDs, who can entertain each other and look out for each other in our large garden or cycling round the lanes.
Yes, two makes life complicated, but richer and simpler too.
If one of them is stressing me out chances are the other one isn't.

If I only had DD1 then holidays and eating out would be a dream because she likes grown up food and will do culture.

If I only had DD2 I'd never have to speak to the teacher or compose another tactful Email.

DH I think would have stopped at one, he loves DD1 in the way I think only men can love their PFB daughters.

But he is not the stay at home parent and he forgets just how much computing time he gets because I haven't had to play with an only child all day.

OP step back an appreciate what each child brings, to your life and accept your own limitations.