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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL a bit out of order to send this text to DH

108 replies

Sassytree · 19/09/2012 10:31

Not quite the normal MIL thread
But I'm really upset with her for sending this to DH

She's poorly, has a chest infection and ear infection
Lives on her own, but with lots of friends in the block.
the other side of the world

She sent him a text talking about how bad she feels
"i honestly didn't think I was going to make it, and I didn't care"

he feels dreadful, he is completely helpless.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 19/09/2012 10:32

Aww she probably meant she was in that much pain that she didn't care at that actual time.

I can see who it would make your DH feel dreadful, but I do think you're perhaps reading it out of context.

Hope she makes a speedy recovery.

WorraLiberty · 19/09/2012 10:33

*how - not who!

imnotmymum · 19/09/2012 10:34

I agree I think she meant it at time should not feel dreadful or helpless

Original poster
Sassytree · 19/09/2012 10:35

sorry, she has said this to him before, that she's had enough of living.

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 19/09/2012 10:35

What worra said really, when I had Pneumonia I felt so bad I thought I was a gonner and so utterly terrible that I didn't care! I do think the wording is very bad though, and thoughtless but I would try and see it as a "thats how bad I felt" comment rather than "I'm so miserable and you're a shit son" comment. x

YANBU to have been shocked by it though.

imnotmymum · 19/09/2012 10:36

Well maybe he should sit and talk to her then as to why she feels like this. Does she live alone,nearby, does your DH spend any time with her?

OrangeFireandGoldashes · 19/09/2012 10:37

Depends on the context TBH. If she was simply explaining just how bad she felt on this occasion, SWNBU. If there is a history of passive-aggressiveness or attempting to guilt-trip your DH (if it was him who moved away and she was unhappy about it, for example) then she might BU.

Blu · 19/09/2012 10:37

Your DH and you are both over-reacting. And making it about you.

Send her a sympathetic message hoping she gets much better soon and asking if you can send her anything to cheer her up.

iknowwho · 19/09/2012 10:39

No she is not out of order. She is very poorly.

And to be perfectly honest I do think that sometimes as, my nan puts it, you can live too long and don't want to live anymore.

My nan is like that now and my MIL was like that for about a year before she died.

Maybe she just needed to express her feelings to someone who would care and not just a carer or nurse.

WorraLiberty · 19/09/2012 10:39

Well your second post puts a completely different slant on it.

Is she depressed?

I can see how it makes your DH feel helpless but really it sounds like she's crying out for help.

Original poster
Sassytree · 19/09/2012 10:40

I don't think she tries to guilt trip him, but I think she just doesn't think before she speaks

He had a long chat with her in Feb, when we were over there, about how much she has to live for, and how DS wouldn't remember her if anything happened to her, but ultimately it's her life.

TBF, she has been poorly for a number of years now, different treatments, I can understand how she feels, but I just wish she wouldn't say it to DH.

OP posts:
TroublesomeEx · 19/09/2012 10:44

How old is she?

My grandma started saying this when she was about 85.

"I've had my time now, when he comes to take me I'll be happy to go"

It meant that when she did die at 88, we knew that she was ready.

I agree that you shouldn't be making this about your DH and yourself, if she's been ill for a long time she's probably just tired with the effort of it all. None of us are going to live forever - some people are just more pragmatic about it. That's all.

Original poster
Sassytree · 19/09/2012 10:45

He sees her quite a bit considering how far away she lives, he can work in their office over there.
This year, we had a 2 week holiday with her and he has been over another 2 times, with another before the end of the year

OP posts:
longjane · 19/09/2012 10:46

this this says it all really
"He had a long chat with her in Feb, when we were over there, "

feb was months and months ago either she needs to live nearer or you need to visit more often

she is more than likely very very down and really your DH should having a word with her GP to see what is up

Nancy66 · 19/09/2012 10:46

does she have any other children nearby?

Original poster
Sassytree · 19/09/2012 10:49

She's early 70's
Can run rings around me, energywise!
It's not about me at all, I'm worried about DH. It really hurts him, and he has talked to her about how it makes him feel and asked her not to say it
He's not slept all night, he's very stressed about work anyway.
I just wish she wouldn't say it.

OP posts:
OldGreyWiffleTest · 19/09/2012 10:50

imnotmymum - read the OP and you will get your answers! Tsk.

imnotmymum · 19/09/2012 10:51

Biscuit to myself

Original poster
Sassytree · 19/09/2012 10:51

She is the other side of the world, and he visits at least 4 times a year.
Feb we were there for 2 weeks, on holiday with her.
Last time he went, he went to her doctor with her
She usually comes here once a year too

OP posts:
Original poster
Sassytree · 19/09/2012 10:52

He talks to her nearly every day

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 19/09/2012 10:52

Why on earth shouldn't she say it, if it's how she feels?

Your DH is still making it about him, not her. It's not on for him to tell her not to talk about it just because it makes him feel bad.

BlazerOfGlory · 19/09/2012 10:53

So your MIL is tired of living, ill, upset, and reaching out...and your concern is for how your husband feels? Shouldn't you be a bit more bothered about her? Shouldn't he be a bit more bothered about his mother?

Original poster
Sassytree · 19/09/2012 10:54

he is bothered about his mother
he is worried sick about her
worried about how sick, tired, lonely, worried she is

he's a good son

OP posts:
throckenholt · 19/09/2012 10:54

I think he has to accept that she can have had enough of living and that doesn't reflect on him. Surely she is an adult and it is her choice to feel how she feels.

Yes he can feel sad and helpless, but he has no responsiblity for it and shouldn't feel that it put any onus on him to do anything.

cantspel · 19/09/2012 10:55

She is ill and feeling she has nothing left to live for any you think she shouldn't reach out to her son?