MIL a bit out of order to send this text to DH

[Sassytree]

Not quite the normal MIL thread
But I'm really upset with her for sending this to DH

She's poorly, has a chest infection and ear infection
Lives on her own, but with lots of friends in the block.
the other side of the world

She sent him a text talking about how bad she feels
"i honestly didn't think I was going to make it, and I didn't care"

he feels dreadful, he is completely helpless.

Send her a cheery looking card with a nice message in it and a little gift.

I've already sent her a card, from us and one that DS made
and some photos from DS's first day at school
and flowers
and a hamper

Then you've done everything a DIL living on the opposite side of the world can reasonably do.

It's now up to your DH to deal with his emotions, but not in a way that stiffles your MIL's self-expression.

Oh, that's really nice.

These sort of posts scare me to death, I have 2 boys. Do i have to face a future of getting a DIL's permission/approval for all my contact with them.

Even though she knows you love her, it doesn't mean she can't feel like she has had enough. It isn't about your DH, it is about her. He can't change her life for her, and shouldn't feel bad about that. He has to start accepting that she isn't going to be around forever. The final growing up i think is when a parent dies - and it can come as a real shock. Maybe his mum is trying to help him come to terms with that.

Asking her not to say those things it asking her not to be honest with him. If that isn't what he wants, then he has to be big enough to cope with her honesty. She obviously thinks he can cope with her being honest.

lunar1, I think that's a bit OTT

hopefully I will be a MIL one day
I know I will never send my son a text message saying I want to die

If it was your mum wouldn't you want to know if she felt this way? I would and if MIL or FIL felt this way i would want to know too. I would hate to think our family couldn't confide in us. We are not just family for the good times.

You have no idea what your future holds.

We know she feels this way, we have had long conversations about it
they have cried about it
he has tried to tell her how much she has to live for, what she will miss

Ultimately he has to respect her opinion, it's her life, I said that earlier

BUT SHE KNOWS HOW MUCH IT HURTS HIM, AND CHOOSES TO SEND A TEXT MESSAGE ANYWAY

Sassytree

My Grandad used to say the same when he was feeling ill. We started making jokes about it.

He'd say 'he had enough and didn't want want to be here' we'd joke with him telling him to pop off then which make him laugh and he would admit he was being silly and cheer up.

Hope your MIL feels better soon.

She is telling him how she feels...if she cant be honest with her own son then who can she talk to?

I would like my son to be able to talk to me about anything so surely once he is an adult he would like me to be the same.

Life isnt sugar coated unfortunately - its not all moonlight and roses.

In the year before my fathers death he talked about going. More so as he neared the end. He was deteriorating.
I found it very hard but looking back i think my df was preparing me for is death. He knew and ultimately he wanted to help me come to terms with it i think.
I cried myself to sleep many many times, knowing i couldnt do anything. Tbh, you couldnt do much more. Support your dh and your mil as best you can.

I think your DH needs to get a thicker skin. tbh.

He's a big boy now, mummy can't protect him from the harsh realities of life forever.

I guess your not open to changing your opinion then. Hope you DH can avoid being upset by her in the future then and that your poor MIL gets the support she needs from somewhere else.

lunar1, she is getting plenty of support from us, thank you

Blimey-he sounds a bit of a delicate flower.

It´s sounds to me as if she has accepted that she will die -and wants him to as well.

Well, if she´s in her 80s, it´s not rocket science, is it?

I doubt that her intention was to hurt.

He does know she isn't immortal, doesn't she?

Who exactly is she supposed to confide in if not even her son is interested in hearing her?

they have talked about it
they do talk about it

it's the fact that she sent a bloody text message about it

she's not in her 80's

he listens
he's told her he doesn't like her saying it, but he still listens

I don't know what you're expecting from this really.

YABU.

When my mum was dying of lung cancer I told her that she could talk to me about anything, how she was feeling etc etc....anything. She never did - she didnt want to upset me but I wish she had. I just think she must have been so bloody scared and not talking about it must have made it worse for her!

She had had enough, her letter that she wrote (we found it a few weeks after she died) told us that...........I just wish she could have talked to me about her feelings :(

I do not know what you want from this post Sassy. Advice has been given, suggestions etc. but you always say done it , been there and your DH is an amazing Son. I am sure he is and you are a lovely family but he needs to deal with this what do you want from your post?

I'm not expecting an awful lot really, Folkgirl, it was just on my mind, and you know people come here to chat, and discuss

As a mother to a son, I can't ever imagine a time that I would purposely do something, knowing that it would hurt or upset my son

for those that say I am being unreasonable, I accept your points, it's her life, her illness, she should be able to say what she wants to her son

I think i've objected to the idea that we are not being supportive, when I know how much she is on DH's mind, and how much he tries to do for her

I'm frustrated and also feel a bit helpless too, not for her, for DH, who I can see is hurting and worried and stressed

Bettyswollocks, I'm really sorry about your mum. x