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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL a bit out of order to send this text to DH

108 replies

Sassytree · 19/09/2012 10:31

Not quite the normal MIL thread
But I'm really upset with her for sending this to DH

She's poorly, has a chest infection and ear infection
Lives on her own, but with lots of friends in the block.
the other side of the world

She sent him a text talking about how bad she feels
"i honestly didn't think I was going to make it, and I didn't care"

he feels dreadful, he is completely helpless.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sassytree · 19/09/2012 13:19

Dreams, she's said it for as long as I have known her, so not a recent depression.
But maybe she's been depressed all this time
She's very much a half empty kind of person.

I think a lot of it is preparing herself.

She does have lots of friends around her, she talks to them too. I know she says it to them too!
But I think they all talk like that a bit

OP posts:

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 19/09/2012 13:22

My MIL lives in sheltered accomodation and the Im ready to go` line is very competitive!

DowagersHump · 19/09/2012 13:27

I think it sounds like hideous emotional blackmail and incredibly toxic.

However depressed you are, I don't think it's fair to tell your children you want to die, even if they're grown up

Journey · 19/09/2012 13:27

I agree with blu. You're turning things around so it is all about you and your DH. You don't seem at all bothered about your MIL. All you're bothered about is the hassle you're having because your DH is getting upset.

If you think visiting her four times a year and sending some cards is enough then I think you're very disillusioned.

Original poster

Sassytree · 19/09/2012 13:32

It's quite amazing how vastly different the opinions can be
E.g DowagersHump and Journey

Journey, she lives the other side of the world
DH has spent 5 whole weeks with her. not just 4 visits.
I think that's a lot more than some sons do.

OP posts:

busyboysmum · 19/09/2012 13:32

My nana was just the same - it was so depressing going to see her although I loved her dearly I would spend the journey home in tears every time. And I used to go a lot, I think it contributed to my suffering heavily from depression in my teens and twenties. All she would talk about was all the people she had loved who had died, I grew up thinking life was a vale of tears.She did eventually live until she was 99 but the last 20 or so years of her life were extremely stressful and worrying for those closest to her.

I then met dh and his parents are the opposite, very upbeat about everything and their perspective dragged me out of the mire of depression and really helped me a lot. They see the positives everywhere my side of the family see the negatives and it is such a better way to live life. It doesn't alter what happens true, but it makes life a sight more bearable.

There is no way I am going to scare my boys with such stuff, I know it is reality but it's damn selfish, deal with things yourself say I. Don't scare everyone else.

DowagersHump · 19/09/2012 13:33

What is the OP's DH supposed to do with this information if his mother lives on the other side of the world?

Even if she lived down the street, what is he supposed to do with it?

Do any of you regularly tell your children you have nothing left to live for?

CinnabarRed · 19/09/2012 13:44

I honestly believe I will always protect my child's feelings. I thought that's what mothers did

But not talking doesn't actually protect an adult child's feelings. As your DH has himself acknowledged: we never get the facts.... That's also very hard for DH, which is why she has said he can talk to her doctors

My DM has end stage multiple sclerosis. It's the nature of the disease that she has good days and bad days. She never tells me about the bad days, which means that I worry every single day that it's a bad day for her. I would much rather that she told me about them, so I can understand, and commiserate, but also know when the good days are, and celebrate.

I honestly think that the best thing a parent can do with adult offspring is to treat them as adults, warts and all.

AmberLeaf · 19/09/2012 13:46

I think you've had a hard time on this thread OP.

I agree with Dowagershump

Empusa · 19/09/2012 13:53

It's a horrible thing to hear, especially via text! I'm not surprised your DH is upset, it's not an easy thing to deal with. YANBU, but then neither is she. It does seem like a hell of a burden to place on her sons shoulders when he can't help.

ModernToss · 19/09/2012 14:05

I don't think you're being unreasonable either.

My mother does this to me and my sister on a regular basis.

It's emotional blackmail, pure and simple.

Titchyboomboom · 19/09/2012 14:16

My grandad says things like this all the time - has done for as long as I can remember! He was a very active, healthy builder and as his mobility decreases he is getting more and more miserable. It has nothing to do with any of us.. it is getting ill and old which is hard and I imagine very difficult to accept that things are not going to get better

LadyInDisguise · 19/09/2012 14:36

Well I have loved the 'I am on the other side of the world from my family/parents' and in that sort of situation, a lot of things that look normal when family is 2 hours away don't apply the same way.

4 visits per year is HUGE (For me it used to be 1 visit every 3 years because my parents couldn't afford anything else and then one visit a year for me and my parents for about 20 years because again money and time was a big issue).
Daily call is HUGE too. I don't ring my parents on a daily basis, even now that they are just 1 hour away. When they were overseas, it was once a week and both myself and my parents thought it was A LOT (and that we were extremely lucky to be able to do so).

My gran just died. She had no family around because all her children had decided to go and love abroad as did nearly all her gran children. She had to deal with loneliness and illness on her own bar the occasional call from her dcs.
Two of her dcs, who were the closest, went to see her 'regularly' ie about every 3 months for about 1 week.
She had no option than to deal with the situation on her own but instead chose to put her head in the sand.
It would be hugely unfair of her to out pressure/guilt on her dsc for not been there in her old age.

I really think that that sort of comment can be taken in 2 ways. Either she really has had enough and need some support. That support will come better from people next to her rather than from her son on the phone from the other side of the world.
She doesn't really mean it that way, more in a 'that was a very hard time' and then I wouldn't see an issue to tell her about it.
Or she is actually playing games unconsciously, being sad that her son isn't closer etc... and your DH can feel t and feels very guilty about it.

The reality is that he will have to accept that there is so much he can do and that he is NOT responsible for his mum's feelings. He can be supportive, he can be compassionate, he can try and ensure she is well looked after (ie sees the right doctors, has help when needed etc..) but he can not and will not be able to do the same than if she was living 2 doors down the road.
It is hard. You really do want to do more for close relatives/parents but that is the reality of families who are travelling the world

LadyInDisguise · 19/09/2012 14:38

Sorry, first line is have been in the ... not I have loved

olgaga · 19/09/2012 14:44

Your DH is an adult - I don't see why your MIL should feel she has to pretend she doesn't feel this way and protect him as though he was still a child. Why shouldn't she tell him how she feels?

You believe you will always protect your child's feelings but that's because they are still young and haven't developed coping strategies, and you can't think of them any other way. Your relationship with them obviously changes when they are adults. I find the most disturbing aspect of your posts is not what your MIL has texted or even your DH's response - both are perfectly natural.

It's your concern about how it will upset your DH which I find unnatural. Do you feel he should be shielded from all of life's unhappy realities? I wonder how long you can keep that up! And as Lady points out above, it goes with the territory of living a long way away from family.

In fact I took a great deal of comfort, during my mother's illness and death, to realise that at the point when you are old, seriously ill and think or know you're about to die you really don't care about anything else. All the trivia of life and everyone else's problems become completely and utterly insignificant.

Which is how it should be.

zebrazoo · 19/09/2012 14:51

Agree with dowager too.

It is inappropriate, toxic, emotional blackmail. Noone who is saying it is okay has actually said that they have been on the receiving end of this kind of damaging contact.

This is not something that should be shared with your children. Maybe the poor woman does feel near suicidal, I would say she most likely has mental health problems, and lots of elderly people do.

The proper place for her to share these thoughts are with her peers, her elders, her doctor or her counsellor. Not her son.

For what its worth I have just made a simple phone call to my mother and she has found a way to work it into the conversation yet again.

ImNotCrazyMyMotherHadMeTested · 19/09/2012 14:52

But she's not talking. She's dumping. And appears to not even think about how it will affect her son, she's just firing off a text into the ether because she feels down.

I fire off words into the blue yonder if I feel down, but not to DD who can't help and will only feel awful. I do it to Mumsnet instead, where a) I won't hurt anyone personally (I hope!) and b) I'll get robust help.

It does sound like she is thoughtless, which is more understandable than malicious, but of course your DH is still upset which of course upsets you.

Do you have contact details for her friends over there, could you contact them and ask them to call to her to check on her? Actions may jolt her out of this in a way texts/phone calls can't do.

If you do this a couple of times, she may realise that her email/text brain dumps are actually affecting you to to the extent that you are doing something specific each time it happens. She may end up a bit embarrassed that a badly worded moan about life, sent without thinking, has generated a reaction across the world (i.e. if she is just crying wolf).

If she is really serious, it may make her feel better because she's actually getting a result - real people turning up to see how she is.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 19/09/2012 14:59

The proper place for her to share these thoughts are with her peers, her elders, her doctor or her counsellor. Not her son

How sad if an elderly parent cant confide in their kids. Her elders?? When you are in your 70's what elders are they going to have? Why should they have to tell their doctor who, lets be honest, wont care that much..........isnt that what family is for? Bloody hell, we have our kids, we wipe their arses, clothe them, feed them....can we really not confide in them in our darker moments???

Are you honestly telling me that if my mum had confided in my how scared she was or how she had had enough of her illness that it would have been toxic or emotional blackmail?? That's a very sad opinion!

zebrazoo · 19/09/2012 15:11

sorry betty, but you havent been there have you, you actually have no idea how toxic and manipulative it is

ModernToss · 19/09/2012 15:12

I had that same call this afternoon, zebrazoo, so I know how you (and the OP's DH) feel.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 19/09/2012 15:15

No Zebra I havent but as I said before, when my mum was terminally ill I told her to talk to me about how she was feeling.....I hate to think of her alone, and scared and not wanting to talk to us for fear of upsetting us. I wish she has talked to me and been honest.

zebrazoo · 19/09/2012 15:15

"can we really not confide in them in our darker moments???" , In my view, no.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 19/09/2012 15:16

Well thats a bit shit then isnt it!!!

ModernToss · 19/09/2012 15:17

In my case, it's a question of crying wolf and having to keep this up for 20 years or more. Don't know if that's the case for the OP.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 19/09/2012 15:25

Yeah, I suppose if the are just attention seeking for years and years then it would get tiresome. However, if their need was genuine it would be very sad that a parent couldn't talk to their adult child about their fears.

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