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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL a bit out of order to send this text to DH

108 replies

Sassytree · 19/09/2012 10:31

Not quite the normal MIL thread
But I'm really upset with her for sending this to DH

She's poorly, has a chest infection and ear infection
Lives on her own, but with lots of friends in the block.
the other side of the world

She sent him a text talking about how bad she feels
"i honestly didn't think I was going to make it, and I didn't care"

he feels dreadful, he is completely helpless.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sassytree · 19/09/2012 11:43

he's not an amazing son, but he does try!

OP posts:
TroublesomeEx · 19/09/2012 11:49

You're right, people do come on here to chat and discuss but are usually also seeking advice a solution or an alternative viewpoint and you just didn't really seem to want any of those.

Tbh, when my grandma started saying stuff like that (and on reflection she was younger than 85) I talked to her about it. I gave her the opportunity to talk about her life, to reminisce about the good times, feel sad about the bad times. Just to reflect on a life well lived. She might be crying out for that, rather than being lectured to about all the things she currently has to live for. She knows all that. Maybe that's just not where she is or what she needs right now.

FWIW, my dad is terminally ill with cancer. He refuses to talk about it because he doesn't want sympathy but it's hard because we know he is nearing the end of his life but we have no idea how he feels about anything. He won't talk about his life and reflect on it.

The thing is people deal with it in different ways. If you wouldn't talk to your children about it, then that is your choice. Your MIL obviously feels close to her son (not implicitly suggesting you don't) and wants to. A text might not seem very reasonable, but what if she was having a low moment and really just wanted someone to phone and say "I got your text mum, are you ok?" rather than for that person to get upset about the fact they'd received the text in the first place.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 19/09/2012 11:54

Sassy -- thank you.

Folk - sorry about your dad. It's such a hard/desperate time - thinking of you.

Original poster
Sassytree · 19/09/2012 11:59

folkgirl, he doesn't lecture her, fgs. he does have some empathy

I know people deal with things in different ways, I'm the one telling DH that we have to respect her opinions, because it's her life.
I would be the one asking for every detail of the illness, personally I have to understand, she just puts her head in the sand, doesn't want to know. So we never get the facts
That's also very hard for DH, which is why she has said he can talk to her doctors

I don't agree with lots of things she does/says regarding her illnesses, but I have to accept them because it's her body.

FWIW, he did phone her and ask her was she ok, he didn't rant at her that she upset him

Folkgirl, I'm really sorry about your dad.x

OP posts:
thecatsminion · 19/09/2012 11:59

Sassy, is the problem that there's a subtext to this, "I want to die because you've upped sticks and moved to the other side of the world?", and that's whats upsetting? Or is it a face-value statement?

FWIW, I think you've had a slightly hard time. My granny spent 20 years telling us she was about to die and it was all a bit morbid for no real reason, given she was fit as a flea when she started telling us in her 70s. My dad has now started doing the same and so has my FIL. I think, as well as your MIL being ill, as people get older they do tend to mentally prepare themselves to die, and talking to their family about it is one of the ways they do it.

I mean, it's not very pleasant, and I can see why getting a text message might have been upsetting if your DH was in the middle of doing something and it hit him out the blue. It sounds like you're doing loads, so maybe your DH just needs to get slightly better at managing his reactions to what she's saying? He can't go on being emotionally drained all the time when he's doing his best.

TroublesomeEx · 19/09/2012 12:02

Sorry, didn't mean to sound harsh. Lecture was a bad choice of word.

I suppose the bottom line is that unless you are really hard with her about this, he really is going to have to just toughen up a bit. It's not pleasant, but there's not really a lot you can do. Sad

Original poster
Sassytree · 19/09/2012 12:27

I think it's face value, I don't think it's any kind of emotional blackmail.

She has been saying it for as long as I have known her

After we got married, she said she could die now, because she knew he had me
After DS was born, she said it
After she first met DS, she said it

DH does need to toughen up a bit, he's just having a hard time anyway now

OP posts:
zebrazoo · 19/09/2012 12:34

Well, to go against the flow, I would say to the OP that until it happens to you, most people (posters) cant seem to see anything wrong with it.

I think it is selfish, vile and despicable.

It has happened to me.

IKilledIgglePiggle · 19/09/2012 12:38

I think that she can say what the he'll she wants to her OWN SON. I have two DSs and I try to create a culture where we can talk about our deepest darkest feelings, they are only 10 and 8 but I still hope we can remain close, especially when the going gets tough and I'm old and vulnerable.

Thank god I have DD too, if this thread is anything to go by.

MardyArsedMidlander · 19/09/2012 12:43

Thank G-d I don't have ANY children- if this is the sort of response you get from them Sad

TBh, I have had a ear infection and chest infection at the same time- and as the saying goes 'I was scared I WASN'T going to die'. Infections can make you feel as low as anything, and at 70 I can imagine you'd feel even more fragile and worried.

Nanny0gg · 19/09/2012 12:43

I don't wish to be harsh, but it's not all about your DP.

His mum, that he can't see very often is clearly feeling really low and poorly. If she can't open up to him, then who else has she got?

He might feel terrible, but he's not feeling like she is.

I think a little more empathy is needed here.

QuintessentialShadows · 19/09/2012 12:47

Honestly, you need to get a grip.

Why should she not tell her son how she feels?
Why should she pretend that everything is honkey dorey, that she has a real zest for life, and be upbeat just to molly coddle her adult son? Life does not work that way! She is honest, her life might be crap, why pretend otherwise?
He is a grown up, and she no longer think about him as a child that she needs to protect, but rather somebody that she can lean on.

Bollocks to how much she has to live for, grandchildren, and what not. 4 times per year, what is that, compared to all the days she spends alone without family? Zilch nothing.

Original poster
Sassytree · 19/09/2012 12:57

no-one is suggesting that she pretends Quint

I honestly believe I will always protect my child's feelings
I thought that's what mothers did
If that's precious, then I'm sorry

I think that's the fundamental difference here

OP posts:
DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 19/09/2012 12:57

The thing is, you say you`ll never say this to your son, but you might. Some people just get tired, have had enough and cannot always fight illness. My MIL has said it on a number of times when shes been ill, I can understand it.

Think you DH needs to toughen up a bit though. He can be upset with what she says but best not to let her know, if that makes sense.

zebrazoo · 19/09/2012 12:58

sassy, do not start to think that you are mean or mad! Please notice that noone who thinks its fine has actually come out and said that it is happening to them

Original poster
Sassytree · 19/09/2012 12:59

Dreams, I'm not saying I won't ever have a conversation with my son about being ready to die
I am saying I wouldn't say it over and over ( and by text) knowing how much it upsets him

OP posts:
IKilledIgglePiggle · 19/09/2012 13:01

I think you need to take on board the fact that most people are telling you that YABU, think about why.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 19/09/2012 13:02

Of course mothers protect their childs feelings, but when that child becomes an adult the relationship changes, overwise you would end up with a son like Timothy from Sorry. (anyone rememver that!)

Original poster
Sassytree · 19/09/2012 13:03

I have an aunty, who is nearly 80, her beloved husband recently died, she's not in the best of health, and she feels this way. She's tired, heartbroken. She has a wonderful relationship with her many grandchildren

She has had the conversation with her children and they all understood and sympathised. They are all very close

She does not feel the need to say any more
She knows the thought of her dying hurts her children, so she does not emphasise it

OP posts:
Original poster
Sassytree · 19/09/2012 13:05

I've accepted that most people think IABU.

OP posts:
throckenholt · 19/09/2012 13:07

I think if she says it over and over then it is time for your DH to learn to ignore. Don't let it upset him. He isn't going to stop her saying it, he can't change her life - all he can do is change his reaction to it.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 19/09/2012 13:09

Sorry, were x posting! Look, I take it you have young children? Relationships evolve, your DHs mums job is not to just protect him now. If she keeps saying it then there is something wrong for her, is she depressed? MIL became depressed after a horrible illness and losing her DH, shed had enough, even though she loved her children and grandchildren she couldnt see any future. As adults we understood this, and of course it was upsetting for DH but that was how she felt.

Shes better now, but as she says shes tired, finds things harder. I think shes mentally preparing herself for the end. Its hard for us as their children, but I also think very strongly that allowing her to express and talk about her feelings is very important.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 19/09/2012 13:10

ha x posted again!

Its hard, I know Sad

amillionyears · 19/09/2012 13:12

I can see both sides here.
She needs to say it to someone.

your DH cant cope with it right now.
It sounds like he can cope with some of it.
Could all three of you set some boundaries about it,until your DH feels better able to cope?

This sounds right to me until I try to think who else your MIL could confide in.Maybe The Samaritans from time to time when your DH cant manage to hear it more?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/09/2012 13:17

"I'm not long for this world....." ... "I went to sleep wondering if I'd wake up again ...." "I've not much time left....." All favourite sayings of my much-missed, now departed, hypochondriac Gran. Her portents of doom were so frequent that we stopped taking them seriously years ago. She finally shuffled off this mortal coil... age 97!!

What's that about creaking gates?