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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel resenment towards well parents, while we're about to be made homeless

301 replies

KinkyGerlinky · 18/09/2012 19:35

Ok I know that I am likely being unreasonable, thread like this always end up in the OP getting flamed for expecting too much but I am hoping there may be some constructive advice too.

DH and I are 29 and we have 3 young DC. We both worked full time, saved like hell and managed to save up for a deposit just as the housing market locked down. We were still renting when we decided DH should go to uni to get a degree as he hit a glass ceiling at work and just couldn't move any further without one. I became a SAHM because we couldn't afford childcare on my wage alone. We get some housing benefit and pay part of teh rent ourselves. Last week our landlady told us she was selling our rented house (we've lived here for 5 years) and we have 2 months to find somehwere else....

The problem is that now neither DH or I are in full time work landlords won't accept us, the council have said it could take 8 years to get a council house but they are prepared to put us up in a homeless hostel until then... If DH leaves uni and gets a job we will never get a mortgage on his wage (they will lend us 30k if he had a 20k salary...) plus he is just about to start his final year so it would be wasted.

We are just worried sick, meanwhile my parents both own large 4 bed houses and neither have offered any help, aibu to be upset and resentful?

OP posts:
aufaniae · 18/09/2012 22:01

Very eloquent Hmm

aufaniae · 18/09/2012 22:03

And no, my DCs aren't in an especially vulnerable position.

ChazsGoldAttitude · 18/09/2012 22:06

aufaniae
I will applaud her DH for studying but I won't applaud them for not organising things a bit better then complaining that parents won't step in.

I have also studied and worked (post grad and professional qualifications) whilst being a parent. I tend to agree with marriedinwhite that it was unreasonable for you to both give up your incomes.

However, you are where you are and you can only work to sort things out. If you were my child I wouldn't rush in to rescue you I would ask you what you are going to do. When you came up with a credible plan e.g. finding work, ways of finding accommodation etc that showed you had taken responsibility for the situation you are in then I would step in and offer practical help.

I think one or both of you needs to find some work if at all possible.

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere · 18/09/2012 22:06

That would be my lack of degree then innit?

Or maybe its because some of us live precarious lives not through choice. We have to hang on by our fingernails and the idea that two parents would put themselves in financially vulnerable positions by choice confuses me.

My degree will take a while. I have had to stop and start due to family commitments. My OH doesn't have one, will never have one but somehow manages to contribute to society.

I do not understand why TWO people have to BOTH give up paid employment at the SAME time so one can get a degree.

And then express surprise when it goes tits up.

That is not the same as being gleeful at the OPs situation.

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere · 18/09/2012 22:07

Well then you are not a dumbass then are you?
And very lucky.

mumtomoley · 18/09/2012 22:10

Would any of your parents act as guarantors? This wouldn't actually cost them anything assuming you have enough coming in to make your rental payments?

The other option is you could use the money you have saved for a deposit to pay 6 months rent upfront? I don't know if this would get around the fact that you aren't working, but I know they accept this if you fail the credit check for housing (i.e if you are self-employed or have been bankrupt)

I would phone an estate agent in your area tomorrow and say that you need to move, explain your financial circumstances and ask what they would need from you for them to be able to rent you a house.

Try not to panic, easy to say, I know. If the shi*t really hit the fan, could you stay with your parents for a while?

QuintessentialShadows · 18/09/2012 22:11

aufaniae, your studies still don't prevent you from projecting your own situation to the op.

SavoyCabbage · 18/09/2012 22:14

I thought most students worked these days. I graduated in 1997 and nearly everyone did even then.

It's Confused to have neither of you working, and to have three dc, and then be surprised that you do t have any money.

Yabu to feel cross with your parents. Did neither of them tell you this plan was an accident waiting to happen?

ChazsGoldAttitude · 18/09/2012 22:14

Quint
That's what I wanted to say but was struggling to find the words. Your eloquence rescued me.

QuintessentialShadows · 18/09/2012 22:17

'Tis because I am a forriner, innit! Grin

(With two degrees..... Wink )

QuintessentialShadows · 18/09/2012 22:18

  • not that this has helped me much on the work-front Hmm

QuintShallow M.A Classics.

girlgonemild · 18/09/2012 22:24

I have some constructive advice!... Ask your parents to be guarantors for you. It costs thems nothing but should secure a tenancy. My pil did this once when dh was starting his first job but our tenancy agreement began 2 months before he started so no proper income when we signed. For our agent a guarantor was enough to secure the place and I think that's pretty common.

Sorry your in a rubbish position right now.

hawaiiWave · 18/09/2012 22:26

Yabu. It isn't the government, your landlord or your parents fault you are in this situation. You made your choices, you are a responsible adult aren't you?!

I can't understand why neither of you works. When I did a degree I worked full time hours in employment in the evenings and weekends. It helped pay the bills and kept me out of debt.

If your dh wanted to earn more money, he could have done a part time course in plumbing, electrics etc costing c£3k, taking a few weeks to complete and then he could have seriously increased your income doing his trade at the weekends or given up his old job and done his trade during the week.

I don't think anyone should feel entitled to have three children, not work and swan around doing degrees at the expense of everyone else.

ShellyBoobs · 18/09/2012 22:26

The OP and her DH should be applauded for studying, it will benefit us all in the long term.

How?

AThingInYourLife · 18/09/2012 22:26

Well, it doesn't quite cost them "nothing", otherwise it would be of no value.

What it costs them is the risk that you won't pay your rent, in which case they will have to pay it.

mumtomoley · 18/09/2012 22:29

Does telling the OP what she has done wrong really help now? She posts to say she is worried sick, and most reply to tell her she's been an idiot Hmm

BookFairy · 18/09/2012 22:30

Apologies if this has already been said - pages of replies to wade through! - but has your DP been to Student Services to ask for financial advice or about hardship loans/grants?

NonnoMum · 18/09/2012 22:32

Just a question - why didn't your DH think of studying for a degree before starting a family?

Anonymumous · 18/09/2012 22:32

Good luck with that fabulous graduate job thing, OP. I can't say it ever made much difference to me. And if your DH was so highly regarded by his old company, I can't help thinking that they would either have a) offered to help fund his degree to assist his career development, probably on a part-time basis while he continued to work for them or b) accepted that his experience was more valuable than having a degree and promoted him regardless. I mean, it's a management post. It's not like he was a classroom assistant who wanted to become a teacher, or a legal secretary who wanted to become a lawyer. Why did he NEED that degree so urgently? Confused

BlazerOfGlory · 18/09/2012 22:33

I don't see why he couldn't have stayed in his job and studied evenings and weekends, lots of people do. Or you stayed in your job and he minded the children and worked around that (with the childcare grants as mentioned here).

Giving up two fulltime jobs at the same time to go to college/sahm is pretty irresponsible. I get the long term plan thing, but you have to balance that with short term planning as well.

HoleyGhost · 18/09/2012 22:38

What do you want your parents to do?

What's done is done. You need to get work to solve this problem.

AThingInYourLife · 18/09/2012 22:38

I think it is helpful to point out to the OP that she is not the victim of bad luck but has created this worrying situation herself through poor choices.

She (and her DH) need to look at this situation in a new light.

At the moment the only solution that seems to appeal to her is one that involves her parents bailing her out.

She needs to take responsibility for her own family.

DrCoconut · 18/09/2012 22:39

I haven't read the full thread so apologies if X posting but isn't your DH entitled to any student support for the children if you're a low earner? Such as a childcare grant or adult learner type allowance for people with family commitments. Or tax credits. It could be worth working after all. Please check it out. Also, does the uni have any family accommodation or lists of landlords that accept students?

numbertaker · 18/09/2012 22:42

I am shocked that anyone would take those actions. With three children. I am sorry but if you want to get a degree then you have to suck it up and keep working and do it around your job.

sorry but the degree thing sounds like a bit of an ego trip, that hardworking people are paying for.

Sirzy · 18/09/2012 22:44

Op you should get support for childcare through student loans if you decide to go back to work.