To feel resenment towards well parents, while we're about to be made homeless

[KinkyGerlinky]

Ok I know that I am likely being unreasonable, thread like this always end up in the OP getting flamed for expecting too much but I am hoping there may be some constructive advice too.

DH and I are 29 and we have 3 young DC. We both worked full time, saved like hell and managed to save up for a deposit just as the housing market locked down. We were still renting when we decided DH should go to uni to get a degree as he hit a glass ceiling at work and just couldn't move any further without one. I became a SAHM because we couldn't afford childcare on my wage alone. We get some housing benefit and pay part of teh rent ourselves. Last week our landlady told us she was selling our rented house (we've lived here for 5 years) and we have 2 months to find somehwere else....

The problem is that now neither DH or I are in full time work landlords won't accept us, the council have said it could take 8 years to get a council house but they are prepared to put us up in a homeless hostel until then... If DH leaves uni and gets a job we will never get a mortgage on his wage (they will lend us 30k if he had a 20k salary...) plus he is just about to start his final year so it would be wasted.

We are just worried sick, meanwhile my parents both own large 4 bed houses and neither have offered any help, aibu to be upset and resentful?

My parents had three children, dad did his degree as part time student and kept his job going as well.

Has he talked to any student advisors about the flexibility within the course?
Whether they can work out an individual solution for him?

You had two kids, were both working and supporting your family, as you should. Then you both decided to chuck your jobs in and let the taxpayer support you. And have another child to further burden the State. Great, bloody great.

I can't remember why he didn't do it part time, I think it was going to work out more expensive somehow?! Either way we are still getting into a huge student debt every year he is there but hopefully it will pay off in the long run

OP - perhaps it is time to step up and both of you pull out all the stops. Can dh or you not get a night job? Families do all sorts to manage. Dh had to pull out of his final year as it was unmanagable for us and also worked nights for years so we could manage re childcare. It's not easy but frankly having 3 kids and supporting them isnt.

OttillieRidiculous - Do you think the government should do away with benefits entirely? How about supporting people who are trying to make a better life for themselves? We get minimal housing benefits and we have both paid tax all our working lives, we are also living on a loan from student finance and paying for the degree with a loan. I am just glad not everyone has the same attitude as you

you need to step back and reassess the situation.

If you still have the deposit, use it to offer 6 months (or 12 months if it will stretch to it) rent up front, that should make private landlords more willing to consider you.

Or don't move out and wait to be evicted and the council will assess you as homeless, and live in the temp accom they offer until something comes up.

Or your husband can ask for a 1 year break from his course and find work so you have a better income to show prospective landlords.

Or you get a full time job and have the children in childcare and your husband gets an evening job to fit round uni.

You took a chance, based on your circumstances at the time. That's all you could do. Sometimes a gamble pays off and sometimes it bites you in the arse. That's life. You should never stop trying for fear of what may possibly perhaps happen in the future. You just plan and prepare as best you can in case things go wrong.

You just need to change your plan now that your circumstances have changed, not blindly plug away at it because it is what you had already decided to do.

Your situation sounds a bit shit, and I am sorry for that, but yanbu for really resentful of others because you made bad choices. Second the other advice to at least ask if your families can help out.

Would it be possible for you to get a job working weekends or Mon-Fri evenings?
Any extra cash would be helpful wouldn't it and these hours would mean you weren't paying for childcare as their dad would be at home.

Ask the council for a list of accredited landlords and then contact every single one on the list. Explain you are looking for a long term family home, that your DH is in his final year at uni, and that your current landlord can provide a reference. This is how I found my last 2 private rent houses (by emailing every accredited landlord), I have also not paid a deposit. Most landlords just want someone reliable and trustworthy.

Thanks guys, some really good advice. I am going to look for jobs right now aswell as visit the CAB and get DH to discuss going p/t for his final year

Of course it will pay off in the long run but it's about timing isn't it. I'd quite like to leave my job and do a full time course but we'd struggle even with DH working full time. But for him to then leave his job would just seem mad.

However, you are in this situation so you need to tell your parents that you and the children will be homeless if they don't put you up and see what they say.

They shouldn't have to house you though on the basis that it's your desicions and not circumstances that have put you in this position.

Good luck though, hope you get something sorted.

I read your title line and saw it was aibu to be resentful to well parents whilst we are made homeless. I thought you meant you and your dh were ill and as a result of benefit reductions you would be made homeless. You are likely to be homeless because neither of you go to work and you have chosen to have three children. Please don't expect me to bail you out. One or both of you need to get a job and to sort out your childcare in the most effective way possible.

Now listen my dh got fed up at work so jacked it in and went to uni, at the same time we continued having children and I gave up work. We rely on benefits to pay our rent.

You are both well, you have the gift of three children. Those children and providing a home for them are the responsibility of you and your dh. Not your parents. Not the rest of society. Get real. Grow up. Provide for yourselves. It might involve compromise and hard work. There are lots of people who can't compromise or work due to ill health and disability - either their own or their child.

Stop being entitled and start getting on with it. Until that time you are not mature, you are not deserving and you are entitled to absolutely nothing. Start making sensible choices and an effort and stop expecting others to bale you out and provide for you.

I'm 52 and if I were your parent I wouldn't be giving you a bean; I would feel an utter failure to have brought up somebody so entitled.

Looks to me like you should be looking for a ft job yourself op,or your dh gets a pt job in the evenings/nights?
Yes it will be hard work but the benefits far outweigh losing your home.

I had a pt job in a shop but child care was a nightmare for us so we decided for me to leave the shop and I was lucky enough to get a job in the local junior school as a midday supervisor,I go into the primary 3 mornings a week on a voluntary basis to do a diploma in childcare and I also clean and do ironing for a local family 2 afternoons a week.

My point is,yes it's hard work but you do what you have to for the sake of your family.

Student finance childcare grant would have covered you unless your wage was considerable.

marriedinwhite - I'm very glad you are not my parent, what a horrible post.

lagoonhaze - I'll look into that, thanks

Don't understand why you can't get another place to live unless you can't afford the rent. private landlords do take on students and people who don't work. yes there are less of them but there are some out there and to be honest you are a much more attractive option than a house full of students - much less likely to party hard, well that's the theory.

Can you move in with your parents until he has finished his degree? what degree is he studying for? is he likely to walk straight into a job when he finishes, can your parents help with childcare? You will get tax credits if you go back to work, it might be worth looking into.

Ask your DH to speak to the accomodation office at the university, they will have a list of landlords some of whom might be quite happy to rent to a family rather than students.

Like you say, it would be madness for your DH to give up his studies now, but is it possible for him to take a year out of his university studies to work? Then go back to it next year - ask him to ask about an intermission.

I think people are being a tad unrealistic just expecting you to be able to walk into a job, it is a very tough job market out there at the moment.

Could you maybe do some evening work? at least your DH will be home to do the bedtimes etc. Bar work, cleaning, supermarket?

There are private landlords who will accept people on housing benefits, im sure your local housing authority will have a list.

I know it feels crap just now and you feel overwhelmed and resentful but dont just roll over - you have come this far and it will be worth it in the end.

Also wouldn't suggest he goes part time as means his change in course status means he's very likely to be hit by the new £9000 fees.

Income tax isn't something you pay into for a few years so that you can then jack your job in and let other taxpayers support you.

KinkyGerlinky - I'm glad I'm not your parent. How can you feel sorry for yourself when you have made your own decisions, are facing the consequences of them, don't go work when you are well but accept benefits from the rest of society to help fund your dh's uni which he is doing when he should be supporting his family.

marriedinwhite -

All a bit harsh but true - i dont understand why you havent askes parents for help or why you and dh have not been working AT ALL.

I think you both need a reality check - why didnt he do a part time ou degree, why havent you done any paid work, why hasnt he worked evenings, why havent you asked your parents and why havent you been to the cab????
Yabu

Don't know if this has already been said but our local housing association/ council house office help people find private landlords who take people on benefits

Since he's a FT student, have you looked into married student housing as a possibility?