To feel resenment towards well parents, while we're about to be made homeless

[KinkyGerlinky]

Ok I know that I am likely being unreasonable, thread like this always end up in the OP getting flamed for expecting too much but I am hoping there may be some constructive advice too.

DH and I are 29 and we have 3 young DC. We both worked full time, saved like hell and managed to save up for a deposit just as the housing market locked down. We were still renting when we decided DH should go to uni to get a degree as he hit a glass ceiling at work and just couldn't move any further without one. I became a SAHM because we couldn't afford childcare on my wage alone. We get some housing benefit and pay part of teh rent ourselves. Last week our landlady told us she was selling our rented house (we've lived here for 5 years) and we have 2 months to find somehwere else....

The problem is that now neither DH or I are in full time work landlords won't accept us, the council have said it could take 8 years to get a council house but they are prepared to put us up in a homeless hostel until then... If DH leaves uni and gets a job we will never get a mortgage on his wage (they will lend us 30k if he had a 20k salary...) plus he is just about to start his final year so it would be wasted.

We are just worried sick, meanwhile my parents both own large 4 bed houses and neither have offered any help, aibu to be upset and resentful?

It's very sad that a couple in the op's situation, who are healthy and able to work and have 3dc instead feel they are better off with neither of them working at all and one doing a degree. Seems madness.

Well, good luck with it all anyway; I hope you get some good advice from the CAB and Student Services. Posting in AIBU can be very bad for your view of human nature, unfortunately.

the thing is, you have made the choices you wanted to, for the benefit of your family

if your parents had tried to dissuade you or point out what could go wrong, you would be on here slagging them off for interfering

i expect they made sacrifices along the way to end up comfortable now. Now you have to make sacrifices and hard choices now

Or

you could just sit there and say woe is me, why wont people pay for my choices, its everyone elses fault ........

Ok so what are your choice now. No point in saying you should have forseen the future and made better choices....

Firstly, Talk to your council again and ask them about private renters they work with who will let to HB claimants. Most have a list.

Put private ads in shop windows and Gumtree (never hand over money until you've seen the property and legal stuff - a fair few scams going on just now)

Phone up every agent in the book. Ask that your name be kept in mind if they get a HB friendly LL on the list. It may be an idea to write a covering letter explaining that your H is in Uni for a short time and will be earning a much better wage soon. You should also include a reference from your current LL stating notice is due to house sale. Even better if you Pop this into offices. It will help them remember you if you are nice and friendly - all too easy to say no on the phone and never even consider you.

Make sure you are on the council list now. Time does count when bidding on places.

Talk to shelter about the notice you have been served. Mine was deemed incorrect right at the end of the two months and they had to start again so it's bought us two more months.

Talk to your parents. Explain that you will do everything possible to find a place but would they be the absolute last resort?

The stress is horrible. It doesn't really matter how you got to this point. Just what you do now. Good luck.

" marriedinwhite Tue 18-Sep-12 20:27:06

No you aren't you have said you get housing benefit. You get that because you have a low income and little money. You have little money because neither of you works and you have increased the size of your family since your dh went to uni. I didn't go to uni but it didn't stop me earning six figures in the 80's and early 90's."

Is you??

I really don't like to kick a dog when they are down but unless you have it in writing that he will go back to his old company and at a more senior position then you are on very shaky ground. business degrees are pretty common so there will be a lots of very high calibre candidates out there.

and i still go back to my other points, why won't landlords take you and why cant he work he same as many other students are forced to do in order to survive?

Wow - your DPs company are holding a better paid job open for him for when he finises his degree? They sound brilliant!

I might have more sympathy if OP actually answered the questions people have posted.
Benefits are for people who have had the misfortune to become too ill to work or lose their jobs through no fault of their own. Benefits are not for people who fancy a career enhancement and another child at the tax payers expense. The fact you are actually reducing the amount of money available to those who really need it (ie. people who are living in the breadline whilst applying for job after job.) is something you should be ashamed of.

I dint understand what the op wants the parents to do?

Take in 2 adults and 3 kids??
Sell their house and give them money to buy one of their own?

What?

I am doing my degree with the OU.
No way would I have given up work to do it although it would have been lovely if I could have.

An OU degree takes 6 years but it is possible to do it in three if you take two courses a year. Their grant threshold is v.generous IMO.

I am no way a benefit basher - check out my previous posts if you want - but I just do not understand the choices you have made. They seem crazy.

I hope you manage to sort out your housing situation. Very stressful with 3 kids.

Why is everybody assuming that the OP is claiming a cache of benefits, she says they get a bit of housing benefit and pay the rest of the rent themselves.

OP, your choices have come back to bite you on the bum but you weren't to know that would happen (though I confess I am a little about you having your third child now). If you get a job yes your money will go on childcare but you can get childcare vouchers, maybe child tax credits (don't know how they work) and you can actually rent somewhere.

As for your parents. Well, ok you've got yourself in this mess, but if homelessness is a real possibility then I would absolutely expect them to help out if only in the short term. You're their children, despite being adults and having made a mess of things.

'I object to 2 healthy, fit adults giving up work and having their families supported by the state, because they choose to! '

They are getting some housing benefit!

What other benefits?

How are they supporting themselves on a student loan? Aren't they designed to support the student..... Not the student plus a wife and 3 kids!

I can only assume they are using the deposit money that they had saved up.. as the OP hasnt answered the question about that.

I am not assuming that. I mentioned benefit bashing because I didnt want the Op to assume I was sitting in my ivory tower looking down on the peasants and their little problems.

I expect my opinions are coloured by growing up with parents who made bad choices and the affect these had on us.
Lecky being turned off, no gas or phone, final demands and baliffs knocking on the door.

Its made me very cautious (and perhaps a bit boring).

Hi OP - new to your thread and haven't read it all.

However, I have just completed my final year of my degree (including dissertation) whilst also being the carer of 2 small children. So I think there is a good chance your DH could do that while you earn full-time and make yourself a viable tenant - it would surely be easier than being in a homeless hostel!

The way I managed it was to do all my work in evenings and weekends while DH was home from work. My Mum also gave me one day of childcare a week which was a big help. Though your parents aren't offering accommodation maybe they would be willing to do a regular babysitting slot to help the uni work get done?

Not easy, and my DH and I hardly saw each other for weeks on end as we virtually took it in turns to 'single parent' (me while he worked, and he while I did uni stuff when he wasn't in work). But we both had the goal in sight, we did that for 3 years, not just the final year. Don't forget an academic year is really only 9 months in reality unless it is a nursing degree or similar.

Course that just leaves you with the task of getting a job(!!) but with the threat of homelessness hanging over you, you would probably be a pretty motivated candidate.

Good luck, you are in a tricky situation no doubt about it, but wanted to give you heart that it could be done.

'I don't understand what the op wants the parents to do?

Take in 2 adults and 3 kids??'

My parents did this for a year with us and two children. Because it was necessary and we have those sort of relationships within our family. Don't know what OP's family are like.

So, your dh needed to take three years out to do a Business and Management degree to progress in his work?

How come he did not opt for a one year full time Executive MBA, or two years part time?

What good will an undergraduate degree in business and management do a 30 something who has already got plenty of work experience under the belt?

Does he have this promise from his old company in writing? Any binding commitment?

If he's just assuming he can walk back in, or taking someone's chat as a commitment - he may be disappointed.

Did I read correctly that your DH decided to give up work to do a business & management degree?

He really should be doing this part-time. It is a useful degree for a 21 year old especially if it was a sandwich course. However I have my doubts about its usefulness for a 29 year old.

It would look more impressive taken part-time.

massive x-post with Quint!

You hsvent answered about why he can't study part time? Also, what does your dh being a student have to do with your wage - why doe it mean you'd only get minimum wage?

Sometimes you make bold decisions that don't seem right a little further down the line. But it sounds like you were doing ok until this curve ball.

It seems to me that you can manage to pay the rent. Simple questions;

will your parents or dps parents be willing to act as guarantor on a rental?

Can they lend you 6 months rent up front to lodge and you pay them back monthly? Friend did this when they were relocating and didnt have a job yet- after all the ll is only concerned about whether you will pay the rent for the terms of the tenancy (you need to be very careful re landlord and/or have it lodged with a third party). Failing which, tell every friend, family and passing aquaintance that you are looking for a long term rental and have excellent ll reference it might turn up something.

and chin up op- did something not a million miles different when my oldest dcs were little. It worked fine. We did eventually get back on the property ladder and are doing just fine; once dp has finished his studying and you can both get back into work things will improve dramatically.

I haven't read all the thread, so apologies if someone has already suggested asking your parents to act as guarantors. Then you could still live on your own while your DH finished his degree.

But I still think you need to find a job

Surely the only issue here, is the lack of one of you in full time work?

DH can carry on in his plan. Landlords want someone in employment. That can be you?

Re childcare - DH presumably is flexible in his hours (a bit) so can contribute childcare. He could also work - most students do.

I understand your frustration OP but sadly being self supporting is not a luxury but a necessity. Getting a better job is a great goal but never easy for anyone. I studied for a MSc whilst working full time with two under 3. It was really really hard. This is not competitive suffering but just trying to get you to see that you do have to make sacrifices yourself to achieve your goal.