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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel resenment towards well parents, while we're about to be made homeless

301 replies

KinkyGerlinky · 18/09/2012 19:35

Ok I know that I am likely being unreasonable, thread like this always end up in the OP getting flamed for expecting too much but I am hoping there may be some constructive advice too.

DH and I are 29 and we have 3 young DC. We both worked full time, saved like hell and managed to save up for a deposit just as the housing market locked down. We were still renting when we decided DH should go to uni to get a degree as he hit a glass ceiling at work and just couldn't move any further without one. I became a SAHM because we couldn't afford childcare on my wage alone. We get some housing benefit and pay part of teh rent ourselves. Last week our landlady told us she was selling our rented house (we've lived here for 5 years) and we have 2 months to find somehwere else....

The problem is that now neither DH or I are in full time work landlords won't accept us, the council have said it could take 8 years to get a council house but they are prepared to put us up in a homeless hostel until then... If DH leaves uni and gets a job we will never get a mortgage on his wage (they will lend us 30k if he had a 20k salary...) plus he is just about to start his final year so it would be wasted.

We are just worried sick, meanwhile my parents both own large 4 bed houses and neither have offered any help, aibu to be upset and resentful?

OP posts:
Mintyy · 18/09/2012 20:31

As far as I understand it, benefits are there to support people in crisis who are not able to work. Not to support mature students in further education. Have I missed this, but does he not have a student loan or similar?

If you were my daughter I am sorry to say that I would not want the 5 of you moving in with me until your dh finished his degree and found a job (as another poster suggested above). I would probably loan you some money, if I had any spare, but other than that ... what could I actually do?

DoingTheBestICan · 18/09/2012 20:31

I don't think anyone is saying they shouldn't better themselves but it might have been better for them if the op had continued to work,at least that way they would have at one wage coming in.

rainbowinthesky · 18/09/2012 20:32

Well it wont work out will it if they are made homeless because they're not working. It's hard for me to get my head round as I've always worked - through uni, after maternity leave etc. I honestly believe the only people who shouldnt work are those who have a disability/illness or are caring for someone who does (unless they can financially be independent by other means of course). I realise this isnt a popular view. I would much rather the money went to those who cant actually work.

aufaniae · 18/09/2012 20:32

"Loads of people do degrees, MAs, extra qualifications in order to get a better job. Most of them do them around the job they already have. That is the point."

And your point is? There is nothing wrong (and a lot to be applauded!) in doing a degree, be it part or full time!

Both DP and I have given up our jobs to do degrees.

I had a part-time place before I got pregnant. I deferred the place for a couple of years, but then when I looked at my options it made more sense to study full-time as a parent, rather than study part-time and work part-time.

I expect the OP and her DH made a similar calculation, and there's nothing wrong with that!

Society benefits in the long-term.

Socknickingpixie · 18/09/2012 20:33

have you tried talking to shelter and talking about your options with them?

Schrodingershamster · 18/09/2012 20:33

Why cant your DH go part time at uni and work/look after the kids while you work ?

aufaniae · 18/09/2012 20:34

"There's no way it's cheaper to stop work all together instead of working around a degree"

It is definitely cheaper as you get a childcare grant when you're a full-time student, which contributes up to 80% towards childcare fees.

(Prepares for judging Hmm)

HappyMummyOfOne · 18/09/2012 20:34

YABVU, if my child decided to quit work, claim state benefits and add to his family then no i'd not be offering financial assistance. It was a choice and plenty of people would love to quit work but dont as they need to pay their rent.

There were plenty of ways round it bar quitting work, open uni, night job, you working diff hours around him. You cant now be resentful of others when you realise not working has very bad downsides when you both gave up jobs.

DoingTheBestICan · 18/09/2012 20:34

Yes,society will benefit in the long term,that's if they get a job,there is a lot of competition out there.

squeakytoy · 18/09/2012 20:34

Where did all the money go that you had saved for your deposit then OP?

Mintyy · 18/09/2012 20:35

I am very behind the times, but what exactly do you live on if you are doing a degree nowadays?

mirry2 · 18/09/2012 20:35

What sort of well paid job is the ops dh expecting to walk into get, once he graduates? I and a million other graduates would love to know

TheCalmingManatee · 18/09/2012 20:35

what about those who cant get a job then rainbow? should they just starve?

WofflingOn · 18/09/2012 20:36

I'm more worried about your cast-iron certainty that he will get a job on graduating with a salary enough to keep you all. What will you do if it turns out that like thousands of graduates last year, he doesn't?

DoingTheBestICan · 18/09/2012 20:36

Op,what is your dhs degree in?
Is it in a profession where he will walk into a guaranteed job?

Shenanagins · 18/09/2012 20:36

Also op i think your dh needs to be realistic in supporting his family. It is common for students to work during their ft courses so they don't rack up huge debts.

it is good going to university to further career options but you need to be realistic about these as it is a very tough market at the moment. companies who do hire are looking for graduates who are well- rounded, ie they have done other things whilst at uni than just studied. the cream of the crop do so much other things with their time in addition to studying combined with working.

Original poster
KinkyGerlinky · 18/09/2012 20:36

Mintyy - You get a loan from the student loans company, this pays for your day to day living and your course fees.

OP posts:
WofflingOn · 18/09/2012 20:36

Cross-posted mirry!

TheCalmingManatee · 18/09/2012 20:37

oh, people do make me laugh - "you should get a job!" "your dh should get a job" ..............."of course he probably wont be able to get a job when he leaves uni" make your minds up folks, whats it to be

TroublesomeEx · 18/09/2012 20:37

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time on here OP, however, you and DH weren't to know that your LL was going to evict you when she did - which is really the straw that has broken the camel's back.

The decisions you made prior to this happening are coming home to roost now, but if the LL wasn't selling, you wouldn't be in this position.

Of course, it is her right to sell.

It does sound a little bit as though you gave little thought to the possible consequences and both chose to not look too far down the line. I would imagine that conversations surrounding the decision included "and we'd be entitled to X benefit, so we'll be ok" and any other possible problems were resolved with a "we'll manage".

Unfortunately, a lot of decisions in life are made like this. Some of them work out and some don't.

I can completely understand why you might expect some support from your parents, but I wonder how much support they have given you already?

What exactly do you expect from them? Could you all move in with one of them in the short term?

Have you looked at alternative rental houses are you sure none of them will take you as you are not working? I would imagine that, given your situation, most would take your DH's student status into account.

After all, all most LL's are interested in is having their properties occupied by people who are going to pay the rent on time and look after the place.

rainbowinthesky · 18/09/2012 20:37

Of course not. I would assume they would be at least looking for a job though rather than making a decision not to.

MortaIWombat · 18/09/2012 20:38

OP, are you sure that your dh doing a degree is actually worth it? A bird in the hand, and all that. What career has he stalled in, that he now needs a degree rather than experience to progress?

Original poster
KinkyGerlinky · 18/09/2012 20:39

He's planning on going back to the company he worked for pre-degree, he did really well there but couldn't move further without a degree - or being in the same role for teh next 20 years.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 18/09/2012 20:39

"You get a loan from the student loans company, this pays for your day to day living and your course fees"

I could be wrong here, but is that not designed for, you know, students... not married men with three young children and a non-working wife???

I dont get this "glass ceiling at work" bit either. The common sense move would have been to either apply for another job with more money, or carry on doing it, and study on an OU course in the evening..

WofflingOn · 18/09/2012 20:39

'After all, all most LL's are interested in is having their properties occupied by people who are going to pay the rent on time and look after the place.'

They have three young children, that might be a challenge to keeping the place looked after, it certainly would have been with my children.

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